Digimon Fan Fiction ❯ The Walls Between ❯ A Reflection Turned Backwards ( Chapter 10 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

"You never did tell me if you're working next weekend," said Daisuke, as he flipped the stir-fry in the pan, and then added a bit more sweet sake. It sizzled in the oil and sent up a fragrant cloud.

"I didn't?" said Ken, distractedly. He was sitting at his computer, typing away, and from the sound of his voice it was clear that most of his attention was elsewhere.

"Yeah. The news said that the cherry blossoms are going to be peaking, and the weather is supposed to be perfect. I thought we could go have a picnic if you're not working."

"Hmmm," said Ken. He was doing something with a spreadsheet that looked very involved, but he hadn't told Daisuke that he didn't want to be disturbed, so Daisuke felt free to voice his thoughts as he went. It was early afternoon, and the spring sunlight lanced in through the windows and lit the white room on fire.

"So how about it?"

"How about what?"

Daisuke spooned some rice into a bowl and slid the stir-fry out of the pan and onto the rice. He then turned off the stove and carried the bowl and a pair of chopsticks into the front room. "Here, eat something before you turn into a ghost."

Although initially reluctant to turn away from his spreadsheet, Ken quickly succumbed to the lure of food. As he did, his attention focused more completely on Daisuke, and so Daisuke repeated himself as he sat on the arm of Ken's chair. "I said, if you're not working, we can go to a shrine or a park and have a picnic under the cherry trees this next weekend."

"Yeah, and half of Japan, too. I hate the crowds."

"You can't miss out on everything fun and cool just because everyone else in the country has the same idea at the same time. Come on, we haven't really gone out to do anything for weeks." He nudged Ken, who pretended to think about it. Daisuke knew he'd agree, eventually, so he left the matter at that and ran his hand through his lover's blue-black locks. Ken was overdue for a haircut.

"I'm going to go put my tree outside, okay?" said Daisuke after a moment, standing up.

"It's already outside," said Ken. Finished eating, he put the bowl down and returned to his spreadsheet.

Daisuke glanced at him. "When did you put it out there?"

"Hmm. A couple weeks ago. When it started getting warm."

Stopping in the doorway, Daisuke stared at him, but Ken seemed oblivious to the scrutiny. "That's my tree," said Daisuke finally.

"Yes," said Ken. He was starting to sound distracted again. "And I reminded you about it twice and you kept saying that you'd get around to it. It was starting to look pathetic, so I put it outside."

Daisuke frowned at him, but again Ken didn't appear to notice. "I am getting around to it. Right now. Have you been watering it too?"

"Yes," said Ken. "And I covered it last week when it got cold that one night. It's perfectly all right, go look at it."

"I will." Daisuke, annoyed, went back into the bedroom, and thence out the balcony door to find his bonsai tree resting placidly on a board suspended between two blocks, green as the sea and sending out fresh shoots. Half expecting to find that Ken had wired the branches too, he examined the plant; he was marginally disappointed to find that Ken hadn't, because that gave him less cause for his annoyance. Still, he reminded himself that this was his pet bonsai, and not Ken's, and if someone was going to kill it, it ought to be Daisuke himself.

He couldn't bring himself to be angry outright, though. The tree looked quite healthy, and Ken had placed it on a part of the balcony that was shaded during the warmest part of the day, which was the best possible spot. His box of tools and wire and wrapped parcels of blood-meal fertilizer was snug beneath the board. Daisuke sat down on a chair, with the wind chasing clouds across the sky, and was simply disgruntled for a few minutes. Then he got back up and went back into the apartment.

"Okay, it looks fine, but don't be thinking that it's yours now, okay?"

"Mmm-hmmm," said Ken, not looking away from his computer screen.

The bell sounded then, indicating that someone wanted entry to the building, and Daisuke automatically walked toward the buzzer, saying as he went, "That's not your tree, just keep that in mind. Nobody gets to torture it but me."

"Mmm-hmmm," said Ken again.

Daisuke hit the button and said, "Who is it?"

"It's your sister," hissed the speaker. "Let me in."

"Come on up." Pushing the door release, Daisuke said to himself, "I wonder what she wants. Anyway. So are you working this weekend?"

"I don't know yet," said Ken. "Probably not."

"I need to know ahead of time. I need time to switch with someone if I'm scheduled for that day."

Turning away from the computer, Ken said, "I don't know why you don't just quit that job. We don't need the money, and I know the commute is bad on you."

Daisuke leaned against the wall and shrugged. "I like my job," he said, but truth be told, he'd been considering putting in notice and finding something else closer to Tamachi. It wasn't true, really, that he liked his job, rather he liked the people he worked with, and he could always keep touch with them regardless of where he was employed. The job itself had become rather monotonous, and Daisuke was beginning to wonder if he'd be doing this sort of thing for the rest of his life. The prospect of being a restaurant cook until he retired was unimaginably bleak. "I wonder if I should go to college," he said. Then he grinned at Ken. "You'd put me through college, wouldn't you?"

"Of course I would," said Ken, quite seriously. "Do you really want to go?"

"I don't know yet. Maybe." There was a knock on the door, as expected, and Daisuke opened it ...

... And immediately staggered backwards as Jun punched him in the jaw the instant the door was open. She followed Daisuke back into the apartment and picked him up by the collar, shaking him violently.

"You insensitive little prick!" she yelled as she shook him. "Where the hell have you been?" Daisuke, too shocked to fight back or really defend himself, fell to the floor when Ken came to his rescue and pulled Jun off of him. He crawled backward a few feet before he could sit up.

Jun fought Ken valiantly, but she was really no match for him and she figured that out pretty quickly. "What the fuck are you talking about?" asked Daisuke, putting a hand to his now-throbbing head; he must have hit it on the floor when he fell.

"Where have you been?" demanded Jun again. Ken had her by the wrists, but she wasn't looking at him ... all her fury was directed at Daisuke.

"I've been right here. Where the fuck else would I be?"

"Why didn't you come to the hospital? Dad could have died, you little jerk! What the hell's wrong with you?"

"What?" Daisuke stood up, shock layering upon shock. "What?"

"Yeah, and where would you be then? You're damned lucky you can come apologize to him for being such an asshole!"

Jun's accusations suddenly became frivolous noise on the edge of Daisuke's consciousness, irritating beyond measure because they were getting in the way of important information. "Jun, just shut the fuck up for a second. What happened to Dad?"

"Oh, don't even act innocent!" Jun yanked her wrists out of Ken's grip, and Daisuke didn't think to wonder why. "You could have at least called, if you were too embarrassed to come visit him!"

"Jun, shut up!" Daisuke had to fight the urge to hit her back, by reminding himself that she was not only female, but family as well; the desire to beat details out of her was overwhelming. "What the fuck happened to Dad?"

"He was in the hospital for almost a week! You had more than enough time to come find out then!"

"Don't be angry at him," said Ken softly.

Daisuke looked at Ken, and the world tilted. He knew then, why he had no clue what Jun was talking about, and why Jun seemed to think he should. He didn't know why he knew ... he just knew.

"Go home, Jun," he said. His face felt numb, and his fingers tingled. "Tell Mom I'll be there later today."

"You'd better be!" said Jun venomously. "It's about time you start acting like a good son!"

"Look, just shut up, okay? And go home." He pushed her out the door and shut it behind her, and then put his back to it and faced Ken.

"Talk."

Looking anywhere except at Daisuke, Ken said, "I was going to tell you."

"Oh yeah? When? Before or after Dad fucking died?"

"He wasn't going to die."

"How do you know that? How do you know that?" The more Daisuke thought about it, and he couldn't help thinking about it, the more outraged he became. What right did Ken have to withhold information about his own family from him?

Ken looked at him then, and Daisuke could see that his lover was afraid, but couldn't bring himself to care. His blood sang in his ears, like rage. "I'm sorry ... I knew he would be all right. You just would have worried ..."

"Worried? You're damned right I'm worried! I'm worried because I still don't know what the fuck was wrong with him!"

"It was a blood clot," said Ken quietly. "It was in his lungs."

"What?" That didn't sound so bad. "What the fuck does that do?"

"Well, since it didn't kill him before they got him to a hospital, it probably won't do anything." Ken's voice was soft, mollifying ... Daisuke was in no mood to be mollified.

"But it could have killed him."

Pale hands spread, and dark blue eyes found Daisuke's. "By the time your mother called, the worst was over. Dai-chan, there wasn't any ..."

"Shut up!" Daisuke cut him off, infuriated. He kept his back to the door, because that grounded him in reality, and in a way it restrained him from physically attacking Ken the way Jun had attacked him.

"Dai-chan, you're over-reacting ..."

"I am not! This is my father, Ken! If he had a-a ... a bad hair day, and my mom felt a need to call me about it, I have a right to know!"

"I know, and I was going to tell you ..."

Daisuke cut him off again with a low growl and an impatient gesture. "I really just cannot deal with you right now. Do you understand that?"

"Yes. I didn't tell you because I knew you'd waste all your energy on worrying, just like you are now." Ken's voice took on a slight sharpness, a faint note of command that was somehow far more calming than his previous self-effacement. "Go to your parents, see for yourself. He's fine. I knew he would be fine, and look, I was right."

Daisuke ran a hand through his hair, too tangled up in conflicting emotions and desires to argue. Part of him wanted to obey, to go reassure himself that his father was alive, that somehow his parents had not suddenly become mortal. Another part wanted to fall into Ken's arms and cry, while a third wanted to strangle him. Of these things, only the first really seemed like an acceptable course.

"I'll be back," he said quietly, furiously. "Then we're going to talk about this." Ken opened his mouth to reply, but Daisuke interrupted, saying, "No. Don't say any more. I'm really angry at you, Ken. Just don't say anything else."

Ken nodded, accepting. Daisuke got his jacket out of the closet, put on his shoes, and left.

Daisuke didn't go straight to the apartment where his parents lived. Jun still lived with them, and he wanted to give her some time to cool down before he showed up, but more than that he felt he had to get himself together before he saw them. So he took the train to Odaiba, taking the route that had become so familiar over the years that he and Ken had visited each other during school. It was a little out of his way, but not much, and it seemed important to do so.

His own lower-middle-class family had never had the wherewithal to change residences. His parents had lived in that apartment when he was born. He'd grown up there, had fights and trials there, hopes and dreams when he was young and didn't yet know how pointless it was to hope and dream. Aside from the occasional vacation, or school break spent with grandparents or an aunt, he had been there continually for nineteen years. He'd nurtured his first crush there, and it was there that he had reveled in the dark, forbidden pleasures he'd learned to share with Ken. It was to that apartment that he'd fled when Ken left him; his parents had taken him back in without question and had supported him until he'd recovered enough emotionally to support himself. Daisuke himself had wandered about the city a great deal, but this apartment in Odaiba was always like a spiritual anchor, a safe harbor, a solid rock of unchanging reliability.

This place was the center of the world.

He detoured from the train station and took the longer way, in order to walk through the park. Some of the trees were still spare from the harshness of winter, but most of them had begun to put out a dainty lace slip of tender green, the first hint of modesty on their bare branches. And, of course, the cherry trees were starting to blossom, and no proper park in Japan could be without them. It would still be some days before they peaked, but that didn't deter those who wanted to get in their picnics and cherry viewing before the majority of the population decided it was time.

His hands in his pockets, Daisuke noted the new construction on the edge of the park without comment, although he stopped at the edge of the place that had been an enclosed playground for very young children once. He himself had run wild within the fenced area many times, while his mother sat at a nearby table and ate lunch where she could keep an eye on him. He remembered meeting a girl there once, a child of four or five like himself, and believing that he was in love forever, until her own mother took her home and he never saw her again. The little playground was gone now; only the stubs of the fence remained, sheered off near the ground and covered with rounds of pipe to protect unwary feet. The place where it had been was converted into an outdoor grilling area, no doubt done seven or eight years ago when outdoor grilling had become the popular fad for a while.

The summer lasts forever when you're five, and a year is an eternity when you're ten. But now the time goes by so fast ...

He kicked one of the fence stubs with his toe, and moved on.

It was his mother who greeted his abashed face at the door. "Daisuke," she said, and smiled for him.

Taking the most meandering route possible put an extra two hours on his trip, but Daisuke's shame for not coming sooner had not appreciably lessened. He offered his mother a somewhat pathetic little smile in return. "Hi, Mama."

"Come on in," she said, opening the door wider. It felt strange, to enter what still felt like his home, and take off his shoes and put on the guest slippers waiting for any who might pass by. It was a conflict of signals.

"How's Dad?"

He expected a reproach from her, but he couldn't find any in her expression and voice. "He's all right," she said.

"I'm fine," said his father, raising his voice to be heard over the television. "Your mother and sister think I'm dying, but I'm not."

Daisuke peeked around the corner and said, "Hey." Jun gave him a hateful glare from where she sat near their father, but Dad himself glanced away from the television screen to smile serenely in his direction.

"Don't stand in the doorway, Daisuke. Come sit down."

The television was turned down then, and Daisuke came to slouch carefully in one of the chairs arranged around the room. At another time, he would have thrown himself into it, and draped himself over it sideways, but not now.

If this place was the center of the world, then his parents were Izanagi no Mikoto and Izanami no Mikoto, and no matter where Daisuke went, he knew that they would be behind him. He had the freedom to be brash, and do stupid things, because he always had the safety of home, the ability to come back and be welcomed and be soothed from his errors.

Now Daisuke saw his father with wiser eyes. He and Jun, they were definitely their father's children, and he was still a handsome man with only a little silvering of his hair. But now Daisuke saw that there was a certain vigor missing, with a slowness and care of movement that had never been there before taking its place.

Although not yet old by any means ... his father was aging. He was changing, he was not immortal, not Izanagi no Mikoto after all. Someday, home would no longer be there. It might be many years from now, deep in the future, but that day would inevitably come.

"I'm sorry," said Daisuke softly.

His father shook his head. "So much fussing over me. I'm glad you didn't come to the hospital to fuss over me too."

"Daddy, don't say that," said Jun.

"Why not? I had you and your mother both behaving like I was breathing my last. It's not healthy."

"He could at least have called!"

"I would have!" said Daisuke. "I would have visited or called or something, but I didn't know."

"I called you from the hospital," said his mother, and unlike Jun she didn't sound upset by Daisuke's apparent neglect of his family. Daisuke guessed that she had been, but his mother was not the type to hold a grudge. Not like Jun ... or himself. "I left a message with your boyfriend."

"Well, he didn't give it to me. I'm sorry. I swear, I would have come sooner if I'd known." Daisuke's voice broke near the end of this sentence, and he looked sharply away, ashamed of himself.

"That's what you get for having a boyfriend in the first place," said Jun. The words were like knives. It was like being seventeen again.

"Jun, stop it," said his father, sharply. Jun sank into a visible simmer, wanting to say more but holding her tongue. Their father continued, "No matter what you think, Daisuke is still a part of this family. Do you understand that?"

She chewed on the inside of her mouth a little, and then said grudgingly, "Yes, sir."

"Are you staying for dinner?" asked Daisuke's mother, inserting the mundane question into the dispute.

"If you want me to," said Daisuke softly.

"Of course we want you to." She smiled and set another plate on the table.

Mom and Jun disappeared into the kitchen together after dinner to clean up; Daisuke could hear them talking about small things. He and his father sat in silence for a long time before his father said, "I can tell that you're upset."

"I'm not upset," said Daisuke automatically. Then he frowned. "Okay, that's a lie. I'm furious at Ken because he didn't tell me what happened to you."

"Hmmm," said his father. "That's not what I was talking about, but I hope you understand that there's a problem there."

"Yeah," said Daisuke, staring at his hands.

There was silence for a little while longer, until Daisuke said, "I just don't want to think about you getting old."

"I'm not yet. You can't stay a child forever, though, Daisuke."

"I want to."

"I know. Your mother and I keep hoping that you'll find some purpose to your life, but you never seem to. We were hoping that you'd get married to Miyako someday."

Daisuke watched his fingers run over each other. "I don't love Miyako."

"Do you love Ken?"

Yesterday, Daisuke would have immediately answered in the affirmative. Today, he turned the idea over in his head a little first before saying, "Yes." Too much?

His father made a little sound in the back of his throat, and Daisuke couldn't help thinking that he'd become a bitter disappointment for his parents. His father's next words therefore surprised him. "You have to do what you have to do. You know that we'll always be your family, though. No matter what."

"I know," whispered Daisuke. Always ... until you're gone, just like the playground, just like my childhood, just like everything.