Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction ❯ C'est la vi ❯ Tres ( Chapter 3 )

Chapter Three Version 2.0

Rae says: I'm sorry to announce that Version 1.0 of this chapter was abducted by Bob, the blue cow, and had been held hostage in Bob's spaceship/bar ever since. It will return later on, after Bob eats a little bit of it and finishes all his crazy blue cow experiments.

Bob, the blue cow, says: Moo!

-=-=-=-=-=-

Vegeta had just gotten back from his "Psychoanalysis through Yoga" class and was in a rather bad mood, what with them talking about the Oedipal complex and shit, then saying all that freaking phallic stuff and here he never even knew his mother... Not that he was going to tell THEM that, they'd make him breathe deeply, put his foot behind his head, and then start that free-association shit.

Yeah, certain authors need to skip psychology class more often.

"WOMAN!!!!!"

Bulma usually controlled Veggie by blackmailing him with everything from the gravity room to food to the couch, because in reality he hates her guts and is just using her to get laid, he would never just listen to her because he likes and respects her, no never. But anyways, this time she just didn't feel like going balls on him ;-) so she instead resorted to logic. "Y'know Veggie-chan, you almost never call me that on the show."

"MAKE ME SOME DINNER WOMA--I don't?"

"No. And you have enough freaking self-respect to not go ballistic every five minutes and make a total ass of yourself, you freaking know how to use the microwave."

"Oh. Well then. As you were."

Trunks cautiously poked his purple head in the room. "Wow. Dad doesn't know it, but he's soooooo whipped."

Unfortunately for our favorite lavender-haired chibi, the Saiyan Prince was, after all, a Saiyan, and therefore quite clearly heard his son's disparaging remarks. "BRAT!!! YOU ARE IN BIG TROUBLE!!! MEET ME IN THE GRAVITY ROOM, BRAT!!!"

"What? Brat? Where did THAT come from, dad?"

"Huh?" Vegeta was confused. Why was everyone always psychoanalyzing him??? WHY???????

"You've never called me 'brat' before, it's always been 'Trunks' or 'son'."

"It has?"

"Yup."

"Oh. Okay. TRUNKS YOU ARE IN BIG TROUBLE!!! MEET ME IN THE GRAVITY ROOM, SON!!!"

"Thanks, that's a lot better."

"No problem."

And thus, the Briefs boys spent some more quality time together. Aaaw. Isn't that sweet?

-=-=-

Meanwhile, over at Orange Star High, Videl was in the middle of stalking Gohan, because that's what she does when she's not out busting crime. Sharpner was stalking Videl, and Erasa was stalking Sharpner, so they pretty much had a nice conga line going down the hallway. Pretty soon more people joined in, and everyone partied on, dudes!

Unfortunately, Videl was called away to bust the city's 23rd bank robbery that week (Jesus, you'd think by now they would've installed tighter security to forestall such incursions and prevent the city's heroine from flunking out of school) and Gohan had extreme bladder control problems. He just HAD to go, he told the teacher, Mr. Qlvjhds, he had heard that if you hold it too long it can cause a nasty infection, or it'll weaken your bladder muscles so much that you're liable to wet your pants with no warning whatsoever! But Mr. Qlvjhds was a history teacher and he knew nothing about that kind of stuff, so he let him leave, which is good for Gohan because he was kind of exaggerating just a teensy little bit.

Anyways, eventually the bad guys were busticated and once again, the day was saved, thanks to... The PowerPuff Girls!!!

Saiyaman helped too. A bit. Videl just stood there with her arms crossed, glaring. I wonder if she's related to Vegeta in any way?

However, before the Dork Knight (Dork Knight, Dark Knight, get it? Oh, why do I even try with you people?) could fly away in a blaze of glory, Videl grabbed him by the sleeve and yanked him to a nearby deserted, secluded area where she could properly bitch him out. Ready?

*BONK*

"Ow!" Saiyaman cried, rubbing his head where it had recently made contact with THE FRYING PAN FROM HELLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Who comes up with this stuff?) "What was that for?"

"Tell me who you are or I'll hit you again, Mr. Saiya-whatever!"

"Okay okay okay!" He cowered, for fear of said FRYING PAN FROM HELLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "I am..." Striking a pose, he prepared to give his little Ginyu-force-type repertoire when--

*BONK*

"I mean it! Tell me! The truth this time!" Rubescent and red-faced, she brandished the deadly weapon yet again.

"Oh fine. I'm Gohan." Pressing the little button on his watch, Saiyaman became no more, and everyone's favorite nerdboy stood in his place.

Swooning, "Oh Gohan! I'm madly in love with you! Kiss me you fool!"

"Uuuh.... Are you feeling okay Videl?"

She stared back confusedly. "I think... No, that's not right... Lemme check my script.... Hmm... Whoops, nope, sorry, I'm a few pages ahead of myself, hell I'm not even reading my own lines. Who's Piccolo?"

Gohan visibly paled and snatched the script out of her hands. "What the fuck is going on here???"

Rae: Sorry man, it was too good to pass up, I just couldn't help myself. I'll stop now.

"Damn straight."

So anyway! Moving on!

"So Gohan, what other secrets have you been keeping from me?"

He eyed the FRYING PAN FROM HELLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! warily as he replied, "Well, your father wasn't the one to beat Cell."

"No shit sherlock, what kind of dolt do you take me for? I freaking figured that out a long time ago, when there was a documentary on Capsule Corporation on TV and Dad went into a veritable epileptic fit when they showed the scary guy that's married to Bulma Briefs, and confessed the entire story to our vacuum cleaner."

Gohan considered that for a moment. "Well, technically I don't think they're married, they just screw on a regular basis."

"Oh. My mistake."

"Say... Speaking of screwing..."

Intrigued, Videl raised her eyebrows, not altogether perturbed about this particular change of subject. "Yes?"

"...Shouldn't we get back to school?"

"School?!?! What does that have to do with screwing???" She wasn't disappointed, noooooo....

"Well, that's where most of the city's sexaholics hang out."

Quizzical, "Don't you mean nymphomaniacs?"

"No, they're over at Capsule Corporation."

-=-=-

Arriving back at said Hot House of Lovin', the two future dance partners (of the horizontal mambo) were there just in time to hear their teacher, Ms. Hhsrhzlxnv, give a very important announcement. "This is a very important announcement, children! Tomorrow we are going on a field trip to..."

At his desk, Gohan prayed. "Please don't say Capsule Corp., please don't say Capsule Corp., please don't say Capsule Corp., please don't say Capsule Corp., please don't say Capsule Corp.!!!!"

"...Six Flags!"

-=-=-

The next day, at everyone's favorite theme park...

"Dad, can we go on the Evil Cell Roller Coaster of Tricks? Please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please???" Trunks begged his father. Vegeta had been thinking that 'the park' meant the grassy place with a few swings and some sand. His son, obviously, had a different image in mind.

"You can fly higher and faster than that thing ever could! And the gimmick is ridiculous! Why the hell would you want to waste an hour of your life to stand in line for three minutes of that abomination?" He growled, determined to have absolutely no fun whatsoever, even if it killed him, and nothing kills the Prince of all Saiyans! Nothing! Muahahahaaa!!!!! So there, Kakarott!

"So I can make fun of it."

"Oh. Okay then. Just let me clear away the people in line."

Identical smirks appeared as they headed for the 'ride'. Trunks doubted his fun with pops would be ending within the hour.

-=-=-

Videl and Gohan were sitting on a (Six Flags) park bench, making out. I mean, they were totally going at it, sucking face, snogging, playing tonsil hockey, swapping spit and frenching. All at once. Sounds interesting, I should try that sometime... Anyway, they were interrupted by someone (wonder who?) clearing his throat.

"Can't ya fucking see I'm busy here? I'm stuck on this goddamn school trip when I'd rather be bangin' her brains out but this is the best I'm gonna get right now, so just leave us the hell alone!" Gohan growled, then, looking at his interrupter, turned beet red. "Hi Vegeta."

"Hello Gohan." He rubbed his chin as he stared at the two a moment longer. "I give your overall form a 7.53; your tongue was only halfway down her throat after all, but you get extra points for effort and defensive maneuvers."

"Yeah, and my dad knows a lot about that kind of stuff, him and my mom--"

Trunks was cut off as Vegeta clamped his hand over his son's mouth and yelled, "Quiet! I don't want the entire universe to know that I'm madly and passionately in love with Bulma and make sweet, sweet love to her AT LEAST three times a night, if not more, and YOU'RE NOT HELPING ME KEEP UP MY FACADE OF EVILNESS!"

He glanced around at the hundreds of eyes staring at him after his little outburst.

"Um... Forget I said anything."

Luckily (yeah right) at that instant by a strange twist of fate, the rest of the Z-gang appeared, as usual. Just chillin', y'know, have a little R&R, you know the deal.

"Well, hello there," Yamcha, Master Roshi, and Oolong said simultaneously, observing Videl in her skank clothes and wagging their eyebrows appreciatively, lewd thoughts running through their brains.

She took them all out with one punch.

"Good one, Videl." Gohan smiled, grateful his chick hadn't brought out the FRYING PAN FROM HELLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Eventually, the perverts were left piled on top of each other on the park bench, and the remaining characters, them being: Krillin, 18, Marron, Puar, Piccolo, Goten, ChiChi, Bulma, Trunks, Vegeta, and anyone else I might've missed, went to see the park's newest, most modern, amazing, interesting, stupendous, mind-boggling, electrifying attraction yet: the Funhouse of Fanfiction.

As they were walking, Bulma, ChiChi, and 18 gossiped, because they are the bestest friends in the whole wide world and 18 would never be so cold as to brush people off or do anything remotely like her original personality intended! It's an irrelevant point, though, because no one could get a word in whilst the black-haired harpy (we're all in agreement that she is a harpy, correct? We've all made that perfectly clear, right? Right.) yammered on and on and on and on and on and on and on about how she was going to get grandchildren! O happy day!

But when they entered the funhouse, all became eerily quiet, as disturbing images made themselves known...

...sex scenes written by twelve-year-olds...

...grammar that makes nails on a chalkboard sound like the voice of Ewan McGregor...

...pedophilia...

...two hundred different fics all with the same plot line...

..."bonding"...

...normally stoic men crying over bitchy women...

...original characters that are perfect in every fucking way imaginable...

...new threats to the earth that are JUST TOO STRONG, but wait! The UNDERDOG appears...

...pairings that make abso-fuckin-lutely no sense whatsoever...

...totally unrealistic dialogue...

...stolen ideas...

...stolen plots...

...stolen complete stories...

...flamers that don't leave an email address...

...Plot Hole Airlines...

...AU's that make even less sense than the crazy pairings...

...copycat fics...

...age-changing...

...pointless explosions...

...pointless everything...

...same old story, but WAIT! With a TWIST!...

...fairy tales?...

...abuse causing people to fall in love...

...adult relationships written by twelve-year-olds...

...too much smirking...

...baka baka baka baka baka baka baka baka baka baka baka baka...

...repetition...

...repetition...

...repetition...

...u ncharacteristic sappiness...

...characters acting completely out of character...

...NC-17 content claiming to be rated PG...

AND IT JUST KEPT GOING ON AND ON AND ON AND ON AND ON AND ON AND ON AND ON AND ON AND ON AND IT'LL NEVER END!!!!!

The Z-gang left halfway through it. They just couldn't take it anymore. Even Vegeta seemed shaken by it all, and halfheartedly restrained Trunks from blowing up the entire building.

Krillin shook his head and, glancing down at his daughter who was crying in his arms, commented, "They should've called it the House of Horrors!"

Goten pouted, "Mommy, I don't think I'll be able to ride nimbus anymore!!!"

Only Gohan and Videl seemed unaffected... But that was because they were not there! Searching frantically for the two wayward teens, they all froze when that all-too-familiar thumping sound made itself known, emanating from a dark corner in the Funhouse of Fanfiction.

Chichi clapped her hands in glee.

"Grandchildren! Oh Goku, I wish you were here!

A new voice said, "Did someone call me?"

-=-=-=-=-

Fin. Chapter Tres Version 2.0

You may now all go back to your regularly scheduled fanfiction.