Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction ❯ C'est la vi ❯ Six ( Chapter 6 )

C'est la vi

Chapter Six

Or, if you prefer the Latin

Chapter Sex

Rae says: Summertime, summertime, sum- sum- sum- summertime! No homework for me! Only employment as a dish bitch and a role in a kickass play that anyone who knows me had damn well better go see this weekend or there'll be hell to pay!

Bob the blue cow says: Moooo! Moo! Moo! MOOOO! Translation: She's making me go! Help me! Help! Aaaaaahhhh!!!

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Anyway, back at the huge barren battlefield conveniently located a million miles from any sort of populated areas…

"What the fuck?" said take-your-pick, as everyone gasped

Bulma took charge of the situation in a way that only teenage so-called writers wishing to live vicariously through her sexcapades could write her as doing. "Allright, how the hell did all of you get out of the pits of Hell and get back to Earth? Hmm??? Well? Speak up! I'm WAITing!"

Radditz, Frieza, Garlic Jr, the Ginyu Force, Androids 19 and 20, Cell, Cell Jrs, Bibbiti, Babidi, Buu, Dabura, and Richard Simmons all looked at each other, then shrugged.

"You mean you don't even know?"

Suddenly, Richard Simmons raised his hand and waved it around like a kindergartner that needed to use the facilities but had to wait for the strict teacher to give him explicit permission to do so. "Oh, me me me! I know! I know! There IS no logical reason for us to be here! We're just here because it seemed an interesting plot contrivance for the author to dish out in order to have something for people to review!"

"Yeah," Cell added. "I mean, no one can ever think up a good explanation for these types of things, so they usually just have some random character, usually modeled after a deranged vision of themselves, act as the underdog and defeat us before we can even toss out one of our many witty lines."

"And I always have such good ones, too!" Frieza added. "You'd think I knew every aspect of Earth culture from the way I toss around common puns and idioms the way I do!"

"Oh." The genius replied. "Well then. WOULD SOMEBODY PLEASE HURRY UP AND KILL THESE PANSY-ASSED MOFOS SO I CAN GO HOME AND WATCH THE MARTHA STEWART CHANNEL?!?!?!?!?!?!"

To everyone's great astonishment, Chichi jumped in front of the group of bad guys and, in one smooth, graceful motion, slammed Richard Simmons into a mountain, exploding both him and said mountain. As the little pieces of burning rock rained down on them, Bulma gazed at the brunette in adulation, and unconsciously licked her lips, the object of her interest noticing this and blushing profusely.

Rae: *shudders* You people have no idea how difficult that last sentence was to write. Should anyone from my school read it, they'll completely ignore my obsession with Harrison Ford and start taunting my sexuality again. Jesus Christ, the crap I get for taking a girl to the prom… Ahem, anyhow, moving on…

Then the big-assed fight began. Veggie killed Frieza; it was almost like divine retribution, seeing as how the pink little being had tortured, abused, mistreated, violated, defiled, tormented, hurt, beat, neglected, yelled at, assaulted, ass assaulted, teased, bullied, beat the shit out of, and fed sauerkraut to Vegeta every day until he was twenty-six and a half years old. Now he was finally free! He didn't have to let his past control him anymore!

If only he'd listened to his therapist! Then he would've been free decades ago! But oh well!

Let's see… Goku killed Radditz, Piccolo did away with Garlic Jr, Gohan garroted the Ginyu Force, Krillin decimated Androids 19 and 20, Mirai Trunks slayed Cell, Yamcha massacred the Cell Juniors (actually, Master Roshi did, but Yamcha later took all the credit and bribed Roshi with porn magazines to keep him quiet), Chibi Trunks butchered Bibbiti and Babidi, Goten finished Buu, and Pan beat the living shit out of Dabura, making him writhe in agony as she enjoyed every minute of it whilst he laid there in extreme pain from the numerous wounds she had painstakingly caused to incur the most torment and suffering. She is her father's daughter, after all.

So then all the bad guys were bye bye and the good guys were flexing their muscles in an attempt to look like hot studs, to impress Rae, Hella, Stef, and Beji. The four kind, gracious, brave, funny, beautiful, modest, witty and intelligent new female Saiya-jins just stood there with their perfectly plucked SS5 eyebrows raised just a millimeter or twelve. They could've destroyed the invaders easily, but it was much more entertaining to see the dolts struggle and the buff guys break an ever-so-delicious sweat. They all guzzled lemonade that they'd bought for $5 a cup from a conveniently nearby lemonade stand run by two first-graders that knew how to milk their customers for everything they were worth.

After the appreciative hormone-driven viewing was just about over twenty minutes later, Goten suggested, "The bad guys are gone. Let's go to Six Flags and celebrate!"

Which is what they did, though some people *AHEMStefHellaBejiAHEM* would have preferred celebrating in a more… pleasing… manner. Sucks to be them.

When they got to Six Flags, and came upon the dreaded Funhouse of Fanfiction, all the Z characters were struck with painful memories of that horrid place. So, Rae did what came naturally.

She blew it up.

Yay!

Everyone cheered profusely, but then some WEIRD things started happening when all those bad, bad fanfiction cliches had been incinerated. First, Pan shrank down to her correct age, that being about four years old. A burly, incredibly awesome cop [though that's kind of redundant, seeing as how cops are awesome without having to be described as awesome and yeah, I'm sooo getting off-subject] appeared and slapped the handcuffs on Chibi Trunks! For hitting on a minor! Oh lamentable day!

Beji, faced with the prospect of being separated from her one and only love, pulled a bottle a Jack Daniels from her own personal Spandex Space, said she'd stolen it from the local Piggly-Wiggly store, and that she was underage to boot. She and her Hot Guy were immediately imprisoned, married during their incarceration, and lived happily ever after.

Bulma and Chichi glanced at each other, wagged their eyebrows, then, hand in hand, ran off towards Vermont. Yay for them, bad for Goku. And especially for Veggie, since the two of them were his only sex supply on this planet. Ouch.

Hella sidled up to Vegeta and elbowed him in the side none-too-gently. As she was still in Ultra Hella mode, this severely injured him, so she took him back to CC (which she later had painted blue because that yellow color was frickin' sickening), nursed his injuries and his broken heart back to health, since his so-called "broken bond" hurt like a bitch, though that's a bigassed weakness that could be a major liability in battle, and invoked the Florence Nightingale effect on him. They are now happily unmarried with twelve super duper strong kids that like to tag along as they travel the universe, sightseeing and destroying random planets just for the hell of it. As Rae had already conquered the universe, they were put on her Council of Big Important Smart Advisor People, along with Mel Brooks and Colin Powell. With the prestige of such an occupation, they received one cushy chair each and a lifetime supply of double-chocolate donuts.

Stef had Goku instant transmission them to a pretty little pond they like to call Hole-with wet-stuff. There, she explained the intricacies of sexuality, it being on a linear scale compounded by a hyperbola-shaped distribution, which is why Bulma and Chichi decided to raise cows in the Wal-mart-less State. She told him that she loved him very very much, and that she was going to teach him the fine art of feng shui.

He replied by stating that he knew what feng shui was, he'd just never had a chance to practice since his now ex-wife though it was a fighting style and hit him over the head with THE ROLLING PIN OF DEATH!!!!!!!!!! whenever he mentioned it.

Stef said that he could most definitely practice his feng shui with her, and then he said he loved her a whole lot. She said she loved him too, and that he was the only man for her. They laid [hehheh] down on the grass and had wild and passionate animalistic monkey feng shui, screaming out each other's names and generally having a fun time.

Later, when they went back home, Stef suggested they move to the city where they could get jobs as marriage counselors-slash-porn stars-slash-feng shui instructional videotape actors. So that's what they did. Many many years of feng shui bliss later, Stef woke up one morning and yelled, "BY GOD, I STILL ONLY HAVE ONE LINE!!!"

But you sure did say a lot, didn't you?

Krillin turned to Mirai Trunks with a question on his mind that had been plaguing him ever since I decided Krillin would be the one to ask, "So why are you here, anyhow?"

Mirai Trunks responded, "Oh, you know, the usual. In my time the earth was completely destroyed, and you know, having nothing but your right hand for a companion is only satisfying for so long. So I decided to come back to this time, when me and the other me are the same exact age so that it'll be even tougher for people to tell which of us is which, even though our completely different childhoods and experiences have made us two completely different people despite our identical genetic structure."

"Oh."

Ignoring the shortass, Mirai Trunks approached Rae and kneeled down in front of her, staring into her eyes with his beautiful clear blue ones. Sigh. "I know you have sort of a thing for guys with dark pasts, which is why you love me so much, but I promise to never be an unchanging schmuck, to be accepting and understanding, to love you for as long as you'll have me, to never ever trivialize your life, and to threaten your brother with bodily harm if he doesn't quit smoking and start doing something with his life."

Rae seemed hesitant.

"Have I mentioned my obsession with Star Wars and Ray Bradbury?"

"YESSS!!!" Rae screamed, jumping up and down like a five-year-old on a new pogo stick, before leaping on M. Trunks so hard that they fell on the ground and rolled around on the grass in an excited manner. "FINALLY, THE MAN OF MY DREAMS!!!!! THANK YOU DENDE!!!!"

Somewhere up there, a young green god was having a post-coital smoke and thinking, No, thank *you*.

The Very Very Very End.

Rae says: You're welcome. This is the end. That was my *climactic* ending, if you get my meaning. No more. Allright, I admit there will be more, but it will be a different story entitled "C'est la vi: The AU". Keep an eye or three out for it.

Now for the thank-yous and gifts. To all my reviewers, I leave you with more prefabricated reviews, which you shall find at the very very bottom of this page. I want the number to be brought up to 100, you hear? Hm? I thank Hella for listening to me ramble about various medical issues and cliché problems. I thank Stef for her many splendid reviews, though if you notice, this time she DID say a whole lot of stuff even though she had but one line, so NO WHINING! I thank Beji for existing and DZ McKnight for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

Bob the blue cow: ". . ." Translation: He doesn't like you. So he's not mooing. Stuck-up little bovine, isn't he?

Prefabricated reviews: "If I help you get 100+ reviews, can I be on your Council of Big Important Smart Advisor People, along with Mel Brooks, Colin Powell, Hella, and Vegeta, and get a cushy chair and a lifetime supply of double-chocolate donuts??? Huh huh huh????" or "What? This is the end? What? But you left out some major cliches! Here's a list for you to include in your next parody, which I of course will review extensively: ___________" or "You're still God. I'm still unworthy of your presence. I'm going to go put my pretty white jacket with all the buckles and leather straps on, then return to my pretty padded room. Mine is pink. What color is yours?"