Fake Fan Fiction ❯ Bazooka Gum ❯ Bazooka Gum ( Chapter 1 )

We were sitting around at five in the morning with waaaaaay too much blood in our caffeine systems, and we started singing this random song that our friend taught us. And it led to this…. Dedicated to Sam who made sure we would never this song out of our heads! IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT, SAM!!! Seriously, if you people heard this song, the story might actually seem realistic…. Words might not be exactly right but heck I've only heard the thing twice.

 

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Bazooka Gum

 

It was a very slow day at the NYPD 27th precinct. Absolutely no calls had come in, and Jemmy J. Adams had decided to head down to the shooting range to get in a little practice. As he sat down to clean his gun, he began to sing softly, “My mom gave me a nickel, my mom gave me a nickel….she said go buy a pickle, she said go buy a pickle. I didn't buy a pickle, I didn't buy a pickle. Instead I bought some bubblegum. Bazooka zooka bubblegum. Bazooka zooka bubblegum….”

 

“Hey, JJ, what are you singing?” Ryo asked, sitting down next to the silver-haired loony and beginning, likewise, to clean his gun.

 

XXX

 

“JJ, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING WITH MY PRETTY LITTLE RYO, HUH?!?”

 

Ryo and JJ looked up and blinked as Dee came storming over, a scowl on his face. Then Ryo grinned, looked over at JJ, then turned his eyes back to Dee and began to sing, “My mom gave me a dime, my mom gave me a dime. She said go buy a lime, she said go buy a lime. I didn't buy a lime, I didn't buy a lime. Instead I bought some bubblegum. Bazooka zooka bubblegum.”

 

XXX

 

Later, Dee, Ryo, and JJ all sat around in Dee and Ryo's office, getting absolutely no work done as they sat around singing the Bazooka Song From Hell. It was only a few minutes before Drake came in search of his partner, and was pulled into the bubblegum web of deceit.

 

“….What are you guys doing in here?”

 

A grin broke out on their faces, and they began to serenade Drake. “My mom gave me a quarter, my mom gave me a quarter. She said go buy some water, she said go buy some water. I didn't buy no water, I didn't buy no water. Instead I bought some bubblegum. Bazooka zooka bubblegum. Bazooka zooka bubblegum.”

 

XXX

 

“YOU FOUR ARE COMPLETELY USELESS, I SWEAR!” Chief Smith yelled, barging into their office with a look that, under normal circumstances, would have caused much braver men than the 27th precinct officers to quake in their combat boots. However, now, the party in questions simply smiled.

 

“My mom gave me a dollar, my mom gave me a dollar. She said go buy a collar, she said go buy a collar. I didn't buy a collar, I didn't buy a collar. Instead I bought some bubblegum. Bazooka zooka bubblegum. Bazooka zooka bubblegum.”

 

XXX

 

The song slowly began to circulate the precinct, and was still making its way around when the first call finally came in. Dee and Ryo went to handle the robbery, the situation was resolved quickly and peacefully, and the man was carted away singing, “My mom gave me a five, my mom gave me a five. She said to stay alive, she said to stay alive. I didn't stay alive, I didn't stay alive. Because I choked on bubblegum. Bazooka zooka bubblegum. Bazooka zooka bubblegum.

 

XXX

 

By the time the eleven o'clock news came on, it seemed like the entire world was coming to an end. The reporter on the news looked very disturbed. “Well, ladies and gentlemen,” she said, looking quite composed under the circumstances. “It seems a strange epidemic has begun to circulate New York City. It has been traced back to Jemmy J. Adams of the NYPD 27th precinct and has yet to be resolved. We have received reports from all over the city of a strange song about bubblegum, death, and trips to hell being sung in every corner. No one knows how or why Mr. Adams began this sick and twisted joke, but he is here to enlighten us.” The camera then switched to a hyperactive JJ, who waved happily, smiled, and whispered something in the reporter's ear. The woman turned back to the screen. “Ladies and gentlemen, this just in.” She then began the final phase of the bubblegum psychosis. “My mom gave me a seven, my mom gave me a seven. She said go straight to Heaven, she said go straight to Heaven. I didn't go to Heaven, I didn't go to Heaven. Because they had no bubblegum. Bazooka zooka bubblegum. Bazooka zooka bubblegum.”

 

*crickets*

 

“And that, viewers, is why we never, EVER, partake in the consummation of Bazooka Bubblegum. It can bring only pain, death, poverty, and most of all, delirium. Thank you, and goodnight.”

 

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To you readers, that wasn't funny. To us, it's hilarious. Short. Quick. Pointless. Perfect. And that song is so completely catchy that it seems possible for it to spread through the entire world. You don't think so? Yeah, you should hear the song….