Fan Fiction / Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ Movie Rip-offs, Act I: Bite Me (The Princess Bride, Yu Yu Style) ❯ Sakyou's A Jerk ( Chapter 3 )

[ P - Pre-Teen ]

DISCLAIMER: We own nothing.

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(Half an hour later)

Hiei: Explain to me why I had to get up? grumbles I wasn't even in the scene!

Li: You're in tomorrow's scene. soothingly

Hiei: snaps Nothing you say can make me happy.

Ava: Have you told him about the scene he's doing tomorrow?

Li: The make-out scene with Kurama? Nah.

Hiei's eyes widen, and without another word he finds Kurama over by the snack table, runs over, grabs his arm and pulls him over to their trailer

Li: WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING? shouts after them

Hiei: calls back Practicing our lines! slams the door behind him

Li: sighs, shakes her head, and pulls her megaphone out of her bag Shooting will recommence in an hour! bellows into it

Adara: walks up Why?

Li: Our stars decided to take a break. crossly

Adara: Aaah… watches as Karasu walks past them, heading for the makeup trailer, picks up a muffin from the table, declares that muffins rule the world and bites into it, all the while watching the door to the makeup trailer

After about five minutes, the door bursts open again, and every single makeup artist runs out screaming.

Makeup Artists: IT'S HOPELESS! IT'S HOPELESS!

Yusuke: Come on, guys, it can't be that bad. comes from out of nowhere and bravely pulls open the door to peek inside, only to immediately slam the door again Okay, so it can…

Karasu: What is this in my script? yells, running over and getting right into Li's face

Li: takes script, and studies the spot he is talking about Looks like a dance number and cheery music.

Li and Adara: Ava…

Ava: looks nervous All right, all right, all right, so I put in a song or two! Stop with the interrogation!

Li: That…is just… Ava looks still more nervous …awesome! laughs hysterically

Adara: Let me see! yanks the script away, just as the door to Kurama's and Hiei's trailer swings open again and Kurama steps out, smiling, with a song in his heart, and Hiei follows, looking dazed, with lipstick smeared all over his face

Li: Hiei! scolding voice Kurama and Karasu are the only men in this movie who are supposed to wear makeup! Kurama because he plays the girly part and Karasu because it's fun and he's ugly.

Adara: Was Kurama even wearing lipstick? curiously

Kurama: Not lipstick! Cherry-flavored lip gloss.

Hiei: nods and giggles slightly

Ava and Adara: exchange a look and crack up

Li: snaps To your places, everyone! Can we get a makeup artist over here? I don't care, Karasu. Go away! Ava, Adara, get ahold of yourselves! Time for the boat scene! Move! Don't make me repeat myself!

XXX

A sailboat was moored at the docks, almost hidden in the gathering dusk. Chu was busy getting the boat ready, while the giant, Kuwabara, carried the unconscious Kurama on board and laid him down. Across from Chu, Sakyou ripped off tiny pieces of fabric from an army jacket and tucked them along the saddle of Kurama's horse.

“What is that you're ripping?” Chu asked, turning to Sakyou.

Sakyou didn't turn to look at the Australian as he answered. “It's fabric from the uniform of an army officer from Guilder.

Kuwabara looked up from where he had been trying to revive Kurama. “What's a Guilder? Is that some kind of blacksmith? Glasswright, maybe?”

Sakyou gave Kuwabara a scathing look and pointed out at the ocean. “Guilder, you oaf! The country across the sea! The sworn enemy of Florin!” he snapped, turning to slap the horse to get it going.

“And why are we sending the fabric to Florin, if it is an officer of Guilder who lost the uniform?” Chu asked.

“Because,” Sakyou said patiently, “once the horse reaches the castle, the fabric will make the prince jump to the obvious conclusion that the Guildarians have taken his love. Now all we have to do is kill him, dump the body on the Guilder frontier and confirm his suspicions, thereby starting a war, which is what we were hired to do. And it all begins with that uniform in that saddle reaching that castle,” he finished, pointing toward the royal palace, barely visible. “Unless, of course, the guy is as stupid as he looks, which would, of course, be inconceivable, considering what he looks like.”

Kuwabara's face fell. “You never said anything about killing anyone…” he said disapprovingly.

Sakyou got into the boat and turned to face Kuwabara. “Well, yeah! I mean, starting a war is what we're hired to do! I know it's been a long time since you've done this, but surely you remember that wars involve killing.”

“I just…I don't think it's right, killing an innocent, just for money.”

Sakyou glared. “Think? Think? THINK! I didn't hire you to think, you hippopotanic land mass!”

Kuwabara looked confused. “You didn't? But…well, okay.”

Just finishing the preparations, Chu hopped into the boat. “I agree with Kuwabara.”

“Oh, well all bow down! The all-knowing sot has spoken!” Sakyou said furiously, now turning on Chu. “You listen to me now. I am going to kill him and you willnot say anything about it because it does not concern you! The only thing you need think about is how in the world you're going to survive after I dump you off when this is over. And also, never forget that when I found you, you were so slobbering drunk that you couldn't buy brandy!”

Chu shrugged, too used to Sakyou to care. Kuwabara, however, cringed visibly when Sakyou turned to him and continued to yell. “And you! Friendless, brainless, helpless, hopeless! Do you honestly want to go back to where you were? Unemployed in Greenland? Or would you like to cooperate with me and simply kill this man you've never met, so that you at least have a hope of surviving another year?”

Kuwabara looked very downcast, and when Chu saw this he went over to try and comfort him. “That Sakyou, he can…fuss.”

Kuwabara's face lit up at the introduction of his favorite game. “Fuss…fuss…I think he likes to scream…at us.”

Having lost that round, Chu cast around for something else. “Probably he means no…harm.”

“He's really very short on…charm!” Kuwabara said proudly.

Chu sighed. “You have a great gift for rhyme.”

“Yes, yes…some of the time.”

“Enough of that!” Sakyou ordered, a bite of impatience in his voice.

“Kuwa, are there rocks ahead?” Chu asked.

“If there are, we'll all be dead!”

“No more rhymes now, I mean it!” Sakyou yelled.

“Anybody want a peanut?” Kuwabara asked.

“GYAH!”

Having succeeded in ticking Sakyou off, Kuwabara fell silent, and the sailboat took off a few minutes later with no trouble.

“We'll reach the cliffs by dawn,” Sakyou announced. Chu nodded absently and glanced back behind them.

“Why did you just do that?” Sakyou asked.

“What?”

“Look back over your shoulder.”

“Oh…just making sure no one is following us.”

“That would be inconceivable,” Sakyou said dismissively.

Kurama broke the sudden silence as he glared around the ship. “Meh.”

Sakyou looked taken aback. “Meh? What was that? That's not even a word!”

“Bite me!” Kurama snapped. As soon as he realized what he'd said, though, his eyes filled with unshed tears and he looked out over the rolling waves until he'd mastered himself.

“Aren't you going to say something along the lines of `My prince will soon come and then you will pay for what you have done'?” Sakyou asked, blinking.

“No…he's…oh, you mean Karasu. No! He's a coward, he'd probably let me die.” Kurama shrugged matter-of-factly. “And he's ugly, and mean, and selfish, so I'd rather he didn't come anyway.

“Aw, I'm sorry, pretty lady,” Kuwabara said.

“I'm very much a male, but thank you anyway,” Kurama said with great dignity.

“Oooh…”

Sakyou rolled his eyes and looked back at Chu, who was staring behind them. “Will you stop doing that!”

“Are you sure no one's following us?” Chu asked, frowning.

“Like I keep saying, that would be absolutely, totally, and in all other ways inconceivable. No one in Guilder knows what we've done, no one in Florin could have caught up so fast and if you know of anyone else who might be following I'd like to know about it.” Satisfied with his explanations, Sakyou folded his arms and turned to stare ahead. “But…just out of curiosity, why do you ask?”

“Oh, no reason other than someone's behind us and catching up fast,” Chu said, calmed by Sakyou's reassurances.

“What!” Sakyou jumped up and ran to see what it was.

A boat in the distance was following them but was too far off to be seen clearly.

“Probably some local fisherman out for a pleasure cruise at night…through eel infested waters…”

SPLASH.

“You were supposed to bewatching him!” Sakyou growled in rage, turning to see the read head bobbing up and down in the iron-gray water, getting smaller and smaller.

“He wanted to go for a swim, so I said it was okay as long as he waited for an hour after eating,” Kuwabara said cheerfully. “And then he kissed me,” he added, pointing to the red smudge on his cheek. “And now he's swimming away…”

“I didn't know he was gay,” Chu said, and Kuwabara gave a golf clap.

“Well! Go in after him!” Sakyou yelled.

Chu shrugged. “I can't swim.”

Kuwabara made a gesture with his hands as Sakyou turned to him. “I only dog-paddle.”

“Gyah! You two are hopeless!”

Kuwabara considered a moment. “But Sakyou…you can't swim either. Does that make you hopeless too?”

“SHUT UP, YOU! Veer left!” Sakyou said, as Kurama stopped swimming suddenly. “No! The other left!”

The reason Kurama had stopped was because his leg was bleeding again, but after a moment he steeled himself and went on. “This was not one of my brighter plans,” he muttered.

EEEKKK!

“Oops, you seemed to have attracted the attention of the shrieking eels,” Sakyou said, smirking, while the other two looked worried as a swarm of dark shadows surrounded Kurama, who looked distinctly unimpressed…and maybe even a little relieved?

A huge head popped out of the water, jaws open, and needle-sharp teeth gleamed as the thing headed straight for Kurama. He closed his eyes and waited to feel his bones crunching—

“He doesn't get eaten by the eels at this time,” Yomi said to his grandson.

“What?”

“He didn't get eaten,” Yomi said, sounding faintly disappointed. “I'm explaining that to you because you looked nervous.”

“How do you know? You're blind!”

“You're short! Now, where was I? Hmm…oh, yes. `You seem to have attracted the attention of the shrieking eels—”

“You read that already,” Shura said impatiently.

“SHUT UP!” Yomi said alarmingly, and went back to the story, not bothering to skip to where he actually was.

A huge head popped out of the water, jaws open, and needle-sharp teeth gleamed as the thing headed straight for Kurama. He closed his eyes and waited to feel his bones crunching, and…WHACK! Kuwabara's mighty fist hit the eel square on the head, and then he pulled Kuwabara gently back into the boat.

“Put him down,” Sakyou snapped, and knelt down next to Kurama to bind his hands. “I suppose you think you're brave?” he snapped.

“Why didn't you just let me die?” Kurama cried out, tears leaking out of his eyes despite his valiant efforts.

“Aww, you made him cry,” Kuwabara said reproachfully. “Why do you cry?” he asked Kurama kindly. “Does your leg hurt?”

“A little…”

“Do you want some ice cream?”

Kurama shook his head but didn't speak.

“Do you want a hug?”

“Uh-huh…”

Kuwabara smiled, and leaned over to hug the captive.

Kuwabara spent the evening splinting up Kurama's leg as best he could, while Chu watched, thinking about what was going to happen now an idly wondering where he had put his bottle of sake.

XXX

Li: And…CUT! Yay! All right, I'm tired, so Adara, Ava, you do my job… nods off right in the director's chair

Ava: What is her job exactly?

Li: mumbles Should be in my resume…

Adara: picks up the sheaf of papers lying next to Li's chair and reads aloud Director Li-chan's talents include providing money for shooting, preventing panic circles, co-writing, eating cookies, yelling at people with a big megaphone…

Ava: She's a busy bee, that Li-chan.

Ava and Adara notice all of the staff waiting for directions

Ava and Adara: GO AWAY!

All of them run away yelling things like “WHOOPEE!” and “YAHOO!”

Adara: There. satisfied

Ava: No problem.

(The next morning)

Li: bursts out of her trailer, cell phone glued to her ear as usual Yes, now! Okay, good! Call him then. Because I don't want to be the one to wake him. Yes, especially since he wasn't in a scene at all yesterday. Thank you, Kurama. Yes, I owe you. I know, a big chocolate cake. Bye. glares at Ava and Adara as she hangs up the phone I can not believe you forgot to tell them when to come back!

Ava: Sorry… contritely, but with a sparkle in her eye

Li: Okay, anger gone. Let's go shoot a movie. When everyone shows up, that is.

Adara: We're on it! flees, Ava on her heels

Li: sits down in her chair with a glass of lemonade It's good to be the boss.

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Sorry this chapter took so long, folks, but it deleted itself right after I typed it up the first time! Review, please!