Fan Fiction ❯ Starfall, Moonset ❯ Liberal Indulgences ( Chapter 5 )

Disclaimer: Don't own them, if I did I wouldn't be a poor college student

Starfall, Moonset

By: Irish

Chapter Five:

Liberal Indulgence

'Do you want something in your tea? Help put you to sleep?" Remus offered as he took the kettle from the burner, pouring it over steeped herbs.

"Yeah, why not? You only got that cheap shite?" Sirius replied from the couch where he sat idly flipping through a Defense Against the Dark Arts textbook.

"Well it's not like I've got the money for quality stuff. Besides, this will be buried under the tea, you won't even taste it." Remus said, tipping a bit of whiskey into each mug before adding honey. He was not much of a drinker himself. He didn't like the way it made him feel, if he got drunk enough so he didn't feel the way it turned his legs to jelly and his stomach to water, he spent the next day with his head in a bucket. He handed a mug to Sirius before sitting carefully on the couch.

"You know, I should take the couch, you've been out here for near two weeks now." The convict observed, running his hands over the dilapidated cushion. "Not real civil of me."

Sirius had been gaining weight steadily since he had arrived to stay with Remus. He had some color back, not much, but enough so he did not look like a walking corpse. He had also gained around ten pounds, rounding out his sharpest angles, and turning his human again. He looked handsome. Remus sighed softly shaking his head and looking away in to the fire. Looking at what could have been would get him nowhere fast.

"I don't mind really, you are the guest I suppose." Remus offered a small smile in his general direction, not wanting to look at his face again.

"I feels weird to be a guest in my own bed." Sirius said softly. "I feel like I've invaded your life, displaced you and dislodged you from your normal routine." Sirius's voice was soft, concerned. It made Remus ache. Things had been better over the last few days, they spoke, Remus would slip into the bedroom at night to sooth Sirius from his nightmares… and he was fairly sure that Sirius found it satisfying, fulfilling, to some degree… but he felt like he was mining an empty mountain, divining for what wasn't there.

"Sirius… I won't banish you to the couch. You have more then earned a few weeks in a real bed, humble as the roof over it may be. It was your bed… is your bed…. too. I just kept it because…" The werewolf trailed off with a shrug. Because it was Sirius's and his… Moony and Padfoot's.

"Hey no reason to get a new bed…just because…" your lover got thrown in Azkaban. It was Padfoot's turn to shrug.

"Well… since we never formally… you know, ended things… technically I suppose you are entitled to half of everything here anyway, so…" Remus raised a hand indicating the belongings, most of which they had picked out together, around the small cabin then dropping his hand back to his thigh with a thump.

"I wish you would stop acting like we are divorced. We aren't." Sirius looked away this time, into the fire.

"What are we then? We certainly are no longer lovers. Our friendship, though deeply loyal, is not on easy terms at the moment. If we aren't divorced, I don't know what we are." Remus took a long, less then polite, sip of his tea. He didn't feel the whiskey until it hit his stomach spreading like molten lead in is gut.

"I don't know what we are Remus… but… damnit… this has been totally bollixed up… I swear to Merlin it was you… thoughts of you… that kept me from killing myself in there. I clung to what memories I had left like… like they were some fucking life preserver… and now I have you, right here, and I don't know what to do about it." Sirius raked a hand through his hair, before taking his own deep draw on the hard tea. Setting it aside and burying his fingers in his hair, tugging at it lightly. Remus recognized the gesture, for whatever reason Sirius had always found it soothing.

"I can't tell you what we are. I just… divorce just feels like the right word." Remus shrugged. "I feel like the biggest arse in the world to say this… like I have some right to grievance after what you've been through… but Sirius… the last thing I had of you… were those last few months… the fights…" Remus looked away.

"God… Remmy…Remmy…" Sirius moaned softly, closing his eyes tightly. "I know… I know, don't think I didn't relive everyone of those fights…a hundred times. We both said terrible things… but, I think… my words were worse, because… I believed what I said then."

Remus stared into the fire, clutching his mug in both hands. "Here… let me hand you the knife, I think my heart is right about here." Remus tapped his chest as he whispered, his own eyes squinting shut like he had been slapped. "I'm always glad to here when people think so highly of me… really, you're making me blush."

"Remus… damn it… okay, what I meant to say is that… I was scared enough to believe it then. Which is not at all to say I do now. God… it kills me to remember the things I said to you. I am sorry…" Sirius drained his tea in a quick gulp, before scooting over closer to Remus, slowly prying his fingers off the mug. "Remus… look at me." Sirius whispered, setting the mug aside, holding Moony's clammy hands in his own. "I have wronged you, irrelevant of where I have been the last twelve years. I said and did things that were stupid and insensitive and just plain wrong, and I am sorry for that."

Sirius's voice was just above a whisper, his eyes earnest and sincere as he gazed at Remus. The tawny haired man felt his heart tighten, and his pain center in his throat as he swallowed convulsively.

"Why do you say these things, Padfoot? Why do you say these things that give me false hope. Why try and lance scars?" His own voice was choked, and horse, as he tried to hold Sirius's gaze, tried not to let his eyes fill with tears that threatened.

"Because I loved you once, and loved you well. And I would see you believe that again."

Their hands were sweating… cold and hot at once, the point of contact between them. Neither man had been touched in a decade; the longing for contact running so deep that neither of them felt it.

Sirius leaned in slowly, leaning over Remus's drawn up knees, to kiss the corner of his mouth softly, feeling the wolf's hands tighten in his own, startled and clutching. One of them gasped softly, maybe both. Sirius leaned back again, looking Remus over, seeing his tension, his fear and need, his vulnerability, and god but he wanted all of it.

Slowly he laced the fingers of his right hand with his once-lovers, drawing the hand over Remus's head, trapping it, pinning it against the arm of the couch as he leaned in again, watching his lashes flutter against his cheeks like the wings of a bird against snow. He kissed each eye lid, thin and delicate with exhaustion, softer then the petals of flowers, kissing the faint purple outline on the bridge of a tender nose, kissing the wet salty drop as it cut across Remus's cheek.

"Sirius…" it was protest…and permission. Remus straightened one leg, letting the other fall open, drawing Sirius to him, to rest between the cradle of his legs. He rubbed his palm against Sirius's, their fingers tangled over his head. His freed hand clutched at Sirius's robes.

"Shhh…" Sirius's lips found his lovers, like a deer to water. The first kiss was soft, full of hesitation and apology. Remus's breath hitched at the light contact and Sirius felt himself flush all over. He lay down against Moony, mostly atop him, lying between his legs, against his chest. When Remus cocked his head to the side so their noses wouldn't bump, it was all the invite Sirius ever needed, and he laid claim to lips he had not tasted in a lifetime.

Remus couldn't believe he was submitting to this, wanting this, aching for it. He wasn't just letting Sirius kiss him, he was encouraging it, kissing back, and had half a mind to reverse their positions and take charge of this, to plunder Sirius mouth and body. But the amimagus had made his want for dominance exceedingly clear in the way he pinned Remus's hand over his head, demanding submission. And Remus wanted to submit. He clutched at Sirius's robe as he allowed his lips to part to Sirius's tongue, his own seeking it.

Sirius's hand scrabbled against his friends shirt, tugging clumsily at the buttons, forcing it open to stroke at the damp flesh at the base of Remus's neck, feeling where his pulse jumped and lurched, here his breath came ragging, trailing lower, trailing down shoving aside buttons in his wake, baring Remus to him.

Remus's own fingers followed suit with out permission from his brain, independently working the lacings at Sirius's throat, arching up into his heavy caress, quivering with want, and fear.

Sirius moved his mouth lower, working over Remus's neck and collarbone, quickly headed south on his chest, destined for the hard nub of a nipple.

Remus swallowed convulsively. This wasn't right, this wouldn't work, they couldn't do this. The hand in Sirius's shirt flattened against his chest, pushing. "Sirius…"

"Shhh…"

"Sirius, stop." Remus managed shakily, pushing more steadily.

"Stop? Remus… I thought this is what you wanted… I want it…god I want it." Padfoot moaned, moving back to Remus's neck only to be pushed away again.

"Yes, stop Sirius… please stop. We can't… are you ready to wake up beside me? Every day for the rest of your life? Because we can't take this back. If we make love, and I won't have my heart broken again. Are you ready to deal with this?" Remus's voice, though shaky with bottled passion, was firm.

The silence lingered between them, Sirius poised over Remus, panting heavily, dark eyes black in the dancing light from the fireplace, as his gaze met Moony's.

"No. I'm not. I'm not ready to make love… I just…" Sirius trailed off, letting himself collapse against Moony, resting his head on his shoulder.

"You just want to be touched." Remus whispered, stroking long black locks gently.

"Yes…. god yes…"

"I can give that to you with out sex. Besides you would probably go loopers when my pants came off and punch me in the face again." It was a sorry attempt at jest that drew no humor from his companion.

"You're right. I'm killing you, aren't I Moony?"

"Your not that heavy."

"No. I mean, I am killing you." Sirius sighed, slowly levering himself off his once-lover. "I just keep hurting you again and again."

"Yeah… but maybe I will be able to pull us both up before we crash and burn." The tawny haired man shrugged. "I think that tea is working too well, Padfoot, your better half is showing."

"Hey no ones on all the time." Sirius offered a small smile as he stood. "Will you wake me… when I scream?"

"Before if I can manage it." Remus offered the same insincere attempt at normalcy. "Is there anything else I can do to make it better?"

"No. Just remember, you always pull out of a dive in a fake. Don't forget to pull up, because I am a sucky snitch. Got me?"

"Nope, not a word of it mate. Go to bed."

"Good night Moony."

"Good Night Padfoot."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Speak your doubt because I can smell it on you! Speak it and have it out so I don't have to live with your silent doubt any longer!" Remus half shouted, slamming his teacup on its saucer and sloshing the amber liquid all over.

"Do not claim innocents in this Remus! I am not the only one who doubts!" Sirius shouted back whirling from the sink.

"Yes! Yes, all right! Fine! I do worry that you are the turncoat. I worry because I do not want to believe it. It might be true, but Merlin, I pray against it… you…. You revel in my possible fall from grace!" Remus had stood now as well, knocking his chair back as he did so.

"What the hell! What is wrong with you?! You are always so sure the world is against you, that I am against you. So sure we all hate you because you are a werewolf, so sure that is why we cast blame your way. Did you ever think that any grudges or anger or mistrust might be harbored against Remus the person not Remus the werewolf? It's just a fucking scapegoat for you Remmy, an excuse to pin your failures and negative aspects on. Like if you weren't a wolf you would be some pure saint!" Sirius felt anger bubbling in him, like water gone to boil. He was glad both their wands were on the nightstand in the bedroom, because he had no doubt Remus was feeling the same.

"So you are saying that your thoughts of my betrayal are based on the fact that I am not a good person, as opposed to mistrusting my control over the wolf?" Remus's voice was deadly quiet, and Sirius knew it was the moment of calm before tempest. He could ease the situation… or push it. Some part of him deep inside resented too much to let this go. He pushed.

"I am saying that you are sniveling, insecure, afraid, and refuse to accept responsibility for your own actions. Tell me when I get to something that isn't a trait Voldemort seeks out." Sirius growled. A teacup flew across the room and shattered a couple feet from his head; he knew Remus had chosen to miss.

"Oh yeah? What about your stupid 'devil may care' attitude, what about the way you tortured Snape day in and day out? The utter cruelty you showed him? Hmm? What about your family? Apple doesn't fall far from the tree does it? You are just like them, you know that Sirius? Just like them. I am not the only one with a dark side."

There was an eternal pause as they both panted and raged. Sirius wanted to kill him…or at least do some serious bodily harm. That was a low blow… using insecurities shared as they lay together after making love.

His wand was suddenly in his hand and it tingled with power, snapping and jumping in his hand. There was no need for thought. He pointed the wand at Remus and shouted, screamed, not just with his voice, but with his heart. "Avada Kedavra"

There was a moment of utter and total shock on Remus's face, he didn't need to speak for Sirius to hear him.

"But Sirius… I love you…" and then he was a lifeless heap on the floor of their home. Sirius's chest heaved as he crossed the kitchen slowly, kneeling down. Maybe he had missed, maybe he had missed, maybe he had… he rolled Remus's body over. His eyes were wide and staring, his body already starting to go cold. What had he done?

"Remus… Remmy, baby, come on… its okay…wake up…Remmy…. Moony…."

"Moony…no…. no…" Sirius was weeping outright, his whole body shaking with his sobs. Remus soothed back his hair, leaning in close, whispering against his once-lovers ear.

"Shhh, shhh Padfoot, it is only a dream, I am here, shhh." Remus took one of Sirius's clawed hands, trying to sooth it, trying to sooth him, knowing from experience that actively trying to shake him awake made things much worse, that was when Sirius woke up, still in the dream. "Its alright lover, shhh."

Sirius tensed suddenly, waking in the dark, his heart beating so hard it hurt. He felt hot wet tears on his face, and cramped at the back of his throat. He had killed him… killed his lover, his Remus…

"Shhh, shhh, its alright, it was just a dream." A soft, near angelic to the state of Sirius's mind, voice against his ear, warm breath gliding over his neck, a hand warm and calloused, holding his.

'Remmy? Oh god…Remmy." Sirius gasped turning to him and yanking him down on the bed, crushing the slightly startled werewolf to his chest, clutching him. "Oh god, oh god." He whispered again and again, still weeping quietly against ginger hair.

"Sirius? What is it? You are safe now. It's okay… I'm right here." Remmy's voice was bewildered as he allowed Sirius to clutch at him so, resting his head on the narrow heaving chest.

"No… I dreamed… in my dream… I… we… it was that last fight we had… the night that James and Lilly were killed… but… instead of fighting… and breaking all those dishes… I… I had my wand… and I killed you…. And I wanted to… when I did it. I just… and you…." Sirius's voice died off again as he barely kept back a sob.

"I'm right here Sirius, I'm right here. And so are you. That is all behind us now. Its alright, it was just a dream." Remus's voice was gentle, even a little condescending as he reach up to stroke Sirius's hair.

"Light the lamp!" Sirius insisted suddenly scrambling to sit up. He suddenly knew, knew, that this was either a fevered, insane dream and he was still in Azkaban, and the moment he could see, he would see his cell. Or that Remus really had died, and the man lying against him was an animate corpse, that his flesh would be rotted away, and his eyes would be gone… He scrambled and fumbled frantically, trying to find a match to light the oil lamp by his bed.

"Sirius, Christ, relax, its okay!" Remus called as he pulled his wand from his pocket. "Luminos." The wand lit like a glow stick suddenly, cascading them both in an odd, but familiar light.

It was just Remus. His handsome, gentle, kind, Remus; sitting on the bed holding his wand, looking at him like he had gone totally mad. Sirius reached out, his bare arms looking skeletal, but he waited this time for Remus to accept, before crushing him again. After a moment Remus scooted closer, into his arms, drawing Sirius against him, against his chest. Sirius rested his head there, still panting, his tears starting to ease.

"I'm sorry… I'm sorry I am so nuters. I don't mean to be." Sirius whispered clutching at the worn fabric of Remus's shirt.

"Its okay, you were in Azkaban for twelve years… its understandable and it will pass. It will. I promise." Remus whispered, rocking him a little, as the fingers of one hand carded through long black hair. 'Because you know what, I love you Sirius, and I'm going to help you through this, just because we are no longer lovers, doesn't mean we aren't friends."

"Thank you Remus… thank you for everything, always."

"No thanks necessary. You would do the same for me."

And Sirius prayed to whatever deities were listening that it was true, that if his devotion to Remus were put to the test, he could pass, because he had already failed the test of his love.

Authors Note: Sorry if this chapter was a little dry, I really need a beta to bounce ideas off of for this, anyone open for the job? Please? I pay in cookies…