Fruits Basket Fan Fiction ❯ Easily Broken ❯ A Beggar's Plea ( Chapter 5 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

I was oblivious to how my own humiliation was rising as I considered my embarrassing tale. Then again how was I to know the only person I had ever known to remain serious at all times, would childishly be mocking me from behind. It became evident through his convulsing as he laughed softly to himself. By the end of my explanation I had been reduced to a laughing stock. "Hatori! Don't Laugh!" I demanded as the sense of ridicule had caused me to blush.
"I'm sorry Akito. It's just..." He occasionally quickened over the thoughts in his head. "It was about time you get was coming to you." You could only imagine the extent of my suffering when my own doctor was laughing over my rout by the hands of a stupid dog. I quickly stumped to the other side of the room, hoping his laughter would remain out of earshot. But he followed me. "Akito, don't be angry with me. It's more humorous because you are not only weak but blind." Blind? How so? My eye sight was perfect. "Though you did try to defend yourself, is there a reason you let Shigure defeat you? Anyone else in that situation; you wouldn't have let them get away with that." What points was Hatori trying to make? Just because I didn't hurt Shigure like any others in a fight, didn't mean I didn't want to. "You know what Akito?" My auburn eyes reverted back to Hatori, anticipating his broad range of knowledge. "Shigure has never meant to hurt you. In everything he does, he worries over your safety."
What did it all matter, I was miserable enough at this point? Everyone making me out to be an idiot did not help in the least. Why should I have cared Shigure had never had the intention of harming me. One insignificant girl's action should not so easily change the influence of many on me. My irresponsive state seemed to upset Hatori, for it appeared I hadn't given his statement any thought. Finally he sighed, "must you play the helpless victim all the time? You should at least be grateful someone isn't counting the days off till your death." With that said, Hatori patted my shoulder and walked out.
Once again I was left alone to drown in my own stupidity and resentment. Hatori's words had left me foaming in rage. He had the nerve to say I was exaggerating the wrong done to me. Had I not wasted eighteen years fearing my imminent demise? Had I not been victimized by the hate of my own people- who not only look forward to my death but would take part in it with the flip of a coin? Had I not been expected to welcome death all in the name of my kind? Had I not longed for the satisfying human emotion of love and security, but been denied it so many times? How could Hatori accuse such a thing with a straight face? I had hoped to deserve better advice than that, but simply I was unworthy. It had came to me that maybe I was unworthy of being missed after my death. Who would morn for a soul such as mine. For a brief moment I imagine Shigure's smiling face. Would he really?
This fickle heart of mine dared to remember his protective arms going around me and his caring words speaking to me. Had he not just hours ago attacked me in revenge, I would have truly believed he would be the one to actually morn over my final farewell. But even then, my heart ached and my mind rattled with another memory. "It's okay Akito, it's okay. Because you don't have to be alone anymore. We can hope together..." Why could I not allow myself to forget these words? They had always lead me to believe that he still cared for me and would long after I am gone.
It wasn't until the definite sound of raining filled my ears, that my thoughts were dragged into completion. Just outside the softest shower had started to wet the earth. It was normal to have these mini-downpours in the spring, but it was rare I ever gave them any notice. They did not matter to me, for I was forever commanded to remain in my room, where I was told I was safe. But from what? In reality these same four walls, thought to be my protection, had proven themselves to be my down fall. Not only had I developed an empty loneliness within this contained room, I had closed off things I needed long ago.
My hands had long ago turn pale and frail from the sun I lacked. At times of great humidity, my hair would turn brittle instead of the expected fuzzy. And it was not unusual that a guest happening to walk through the garden would mistake me for a ghost. But I have grown so accustomed to these idle transformations that I rarely gave then any thought. Though it has become harder to ignore these obvious differences when those that come to visit me invoking my help point it out either orally or by the look in their eyes.
My own distant staring was now directed to the falling water. How could it look so beautiful with the sun still shining brightly, making the tiny droplets glitter after landing on the small shrubbery in the garden? Like elegant little crystal falling from the sky, I wished to catch them while they were still perfect and gleaming. But I even knew they would lose their beauty after touching my skin. Maybe if I possessed some of this beauty, I too would be admired by many. Despite how childish that theory had prove to be, I would have loved to test it. But in order to do so I would have to disobey rules that were told to me.
Would it be so dreadful for me to walk outside among the world of the truly living? My life had already been put on the line with my back door always open to let in the outside air extending to the porch, if this fact was to be true. What would it all matter any way? My life is already being threatened, my days are numbered. It would make no difference if I was to die a day earlier or even a hour.
With this thought in mind, I approached the door. I stood silently before the wet world, my eyes filled with worry and terror. It had been so long since I had been outside last. I doubted it would even look the same, since I've been told the world is ever changing in appearance.
As if my entire world stopped that very moment, I stepped off the porch and out from beneath the shield roof. A chilled immediately sent shivers down my spine as the tiny rain drops graced my flesh with their presence. One by one the water collected on my, it was not nearly heavy enough to completely soak me, but I was wet none the less. It was as a shroud of trouble and worries had been lifted off my shoulders, or simply the clear drops had cleansed me of them.
Raising my head, I stared blankly at the sky, the clouds were brightly outlined by the sun behind them. How could it all have looked so majestic and exotic when this same sky had been just over my head for many years? Though it was ever present to me, they had always remained foreign and unfamiliar. I outstretched my arms toward the heavens, feeling the wetness gather in the palm of my hand and form a little puddle. Streams of pure droplets rain down my arms and I hadn't minded the tingly feeling left behind. The sensation of having my hair flatten and stick to the nape of my neck and my forehead, was almost completely forgotten. I blinked each time a rain drop landed on my face and yet managed to avoid my eyes. I wondered if it would happen to fall within my auburn orbs, would they be cleansed all of they had saw. Would such harmful memories be eased? Memories and pain that I in fact had created with my own two hands. The people I had hurt, the hearts I had broken, the faith I had betrayed, or memories I had erased; would I be freed from all of that suffering I had caused?
I wondered if Hatori would have forgiven me for how I had sent away the love of his life. Could Yuki forgive me for forbidding his marriage to Kyou? Would Kyou forgive me for cursing his very existence, telling him of his worthlessness? After remembering all of my family I had hurt, I couldn't see then forgiving me. Even I were to ask for their forgiveness this moment, it would be unlikely. They had grown to hate me as much as I had taught myself to hate them. If I could not convince myself to like them one more how can I so easily expect them to do the same?
Curse this regret of mine! Curse this sadness and this hate! I want nothing to do with them, these feelings that I could never grasp an understanding of.
Before I realized it, those dreadful tears returned to my eyes. I didn't remember how long I had been standing here. Slowly my arms fell back to my side, my hands clutched into fist. My clothes had soaked through, then again that was no surprise, for the rain had picked up and it was no longer the gentle shower I had first come to feel. Now it was raining hard, and no longer was the sun's outline visible in the sky. It was dusk and the sky was nearly all red. My head fell and I starred at the mud that had formed beneath my bare feet. My garments were so long they had sweep up the dirt and grim from when I had first stepped out side and were now covered in an extra layer of filthy as the rain made the ground thick with quagmire. And the blood from my previous fight with Shigure had washed away, yet my clothes reamined stained in its memory.
There was a brief moment I had forgotten everything, and a smile actually clipped the corners of my mouth. Though it was not for happiness that I was smiling, but deep frustration. I felt as if my face would crack from this simply, unused gesture. I might have looked like merely a mad man, but in truth, I was. For all my trying and all my hard work in trying to find something in my life to hold on to, I had pushed everything left, away. I had begged for a family that would loved me for who I was or at least a friend, and yet I was offered that and gave them the cold shoulder. If I had known better, I might have given them a second glance. There was only a second between the time of my realization and the time of change. I simply yelled at the top of my lungs, no words escaped, just the painful screaming that had been etching at me to be let out.
My world was crumbling beneath me and I had no one left. Why did I feel so miserable? I got everything I ever wanted. To torture those that I had thought tortured me? To make everyone feel as I do every single day? I fell to my knees, ignoring how the mucky puddle beneath me gathered around my limbs. I clutched desperately to the dirt, my head falling and the tears never ceasing. It wasn't until an angelic voice yelling out my name did I come out of my dismal spell. I didn't dare to look, it was not worth seeing his reaction on my pathetic state. My stomach churned in shame and embarrassment. Why did I suddenly feel so sick?
"Akito! What you doing out here, you will get sicker!" Shigure exclaimed. I heard the quick pattering of his feet as they dashed across the porch floor boards and into the mud beside me. Apparently he hadn't cared for his own clothes, for he kneeled to the ground as well, his hands gripped my shoulders and trying to bring me up, but I remained unmoving. "Come one Akito! Get out of the rain!" Shigure demanded, tugging more roughly than before.
Why? Why not let me just die right here? Those simple questions played at the tip on my tongue, but I hadn't the courage to ask it. With one last tug I was finally brought to face him, yet still remaining on my knees. Though covered in rain and mud, I had never felt so clean before, for I had released all of this pent up frustration. My eyes meet with his the next moment, and I had not saw the same sparkling happiness that was usually there during his visits, but a fearful emptiness as if he had truly lost something dear. "Please Akito, just get out of the rain..." Shigure pleaded, though I gave him no response. I was tempted to do just that when his warm palm caressed my cheek tenderly. "Please...." His voice now only a soft whisper laced with concern. I imagined the thoughts going through his mind at the moment. I must have looked crazy to him, as if my mind had finally broke.
"Can...can I stay a little longer...please." I found myself whispering in return. I did not want to leave the rain that had brought me to my sanity, at the moment it was my only friend. It would not betray me like the others, and it would not abandon me.
Shigure must have saw this in me too, that I was not the same, for he did not object. His hands released me and he stood back up, stepping back as he watched me linger in the cold mist that had set in.
A/N: Sorry for the long wait, I'll update sooner, and I do look forward to reviews^_^they lighten my spirit!