Fullmetal Alchemist Fan Fiction ❯ Hagane no Renkinjutsushi - Summarized ❯ Episode 2 - Kinki no Karada ( Chapter 2 )

Cornello: Let me repeat the speech I gave you at the end of the last episode. This brief recapping will happen with every subsequent episode, and will annoy the hell out of the people who watch fansubs and want to skip the opening credits.

Edward: At least this time we get opening credits.


*Opening credits*

*Title card - Body of Taboo*


Cornello: I'd been wondering how a kid like you got a title like Fullmetal.

Edward: I was twelve when I got it, I thought it was cool!

Cornello: Rose, it's forbidden to transmute gold and people.

Rose: Why are you addressing this to me? Why do I care?

Cornello: This is for the cabbages in the audience.

Alphonse: We wanted to see our mother's smile again. Why this is any of your damned business is a mystery to me.

Edward: Rose, this is what happens when two people try to resurrect just one, you lose body parts.

Cornello: Don't worry, Rose, nobody loses body parts when I resurrect people. Except those parakeets.

Rose: Why!? Why is everybody trying to convince me!? Am I the lynchpin of this plot??

Cornello and Edward together: Yes!

Cornello: I'm not an amateur like these guys.

Edward: Hey! Al might be an amateur, but I'm a professional alchemist! I get paid for this!

Alphose: Please gives us your magic rock! Look, I'm even saying "kudasai!"

Cornello: State Alchemist, God's wrath will fall upon you! God's wrath always takes the form of a Gatling gun! And I look so benign and religious with this massive gun on my shoulder and a smirking leer on my face!

Edward: Don't be stupid, I'm the title character, you can't kill me in the second episode.

Clay: The heretics! Let me direct my gunfire toward the empty suit of armor instead of the one that I would have a prayer of actually killing!

Cornello: You fool! There's only one exit! Oh, wait, you're an alchemist, duh. I knew I shouldn't have put that corridor leading straight outside right behind that wall.

Clay: So that's where the corridor leading straight outside was!

Cornello: In a continuing effort to win your soul, Rose, I'll now resurrect your dead boyfriend. Sorry for keeping you waiting and ganking you around like that, I hope you understand that miracles are only possible when your faith is wavering.


*bedroom in the temple*


Chimera!Cain: Ro-se.

Rose: Cain!

Chimera!Cain: Ro-se.

Rose: I'm so happy, I'm not even going to question why you can only say my name, and not very well at that! I'm so happy, I'm not going to question what all those parakeet feathers are doing on the floor, even though I can clearly see them.

Cornello: Feathers? Damn, am I careless.


*outside in the town*


Alphonse: We could have just taken the Stone if that's what you were after.

Edward: Obviously that's not what I was after. I was after Rose's soul.

Bullhorn: Tonight, two heretics tried to kill our high priest. One of them is very short, the other one is in a big suit of armor!

Edward: Damn, the person who just called me short isn't visible, no opportunity for an Ed-rant. Never fear, Al, I screwed in my wits this morning.

Lust: Getting in a gratuitous appearance here.

Gluttony: Me too!

Edward: Look, it's an angry mob! I've got a great idea, let me explode into an Ed-rant at them, and then attempt to use reason! Reason always works on angry mobs.

*statues come, knock Edward out*


*back in the temple*


Cornello: So this is a State Alchemist watch. Don't worry, I'm swiping it just so you can't transmute without an array anymore, not because I wanted to get my hand that close to your crotch. I am a priest after all, and you're a cute underage boy.

Edward: Err ...


*commercial break*


Belltower guy: You will never see me again, but I need to point out that the bell is gone for the cabbages in the audience.


*in the dungeons*


Edward: My dignity means nothing to me. But I still want your soul, Rose!


*high priest's bedroom*


Cornello: Oooer, Lust is in my bedroom.

Lust: I'm just here to threaten you, don't get any ideas.

Cornello: Then why are you called Lust?

Lust: Shut up.


*bedroom in the temple*


Rose: Cain, I know I was told not to bother you while you're regenerating your body, but if I went somewhere else, that feathers thing might never be resolved for the audience.

Chimera!Cain: Ro-se.

Rose: As before, this single word warms my heart and destroys my brain!

Cornello: Sorry Rose, but I can't resurrect people after all. Time to kill you. But I'll take the time to explain how I made this hideous bird-thing that can say your name before locking you in the room with it for it to kill you! Walking away and leaving you to your fate, sight-unseen, is in the Evil Villains' Handbook.

Alphonse: Come with me, Rose. Nii-san wants you soul, so it's my turn to try to win it.


*in the dungeons*


Edward: Is it disturbing anybody else that I'm 15 years old, half-naked, and chained to a wall, and you're a priest?

Cornello: I'll just stand back here then and explain my evil plan to you before I kill you. That's in the Evil Villains' Handbook too.

Alphonse: While I'm busy displaying the skills I learned from my Radio Shack Crystal Radio Set and Alchemy Kit, let me attempt to win your soul for Nii-san, Rose. Nii-san is a genius, but he's a genius who works at it. And remember, alchemy is a SCIENCE!

Edward: So it was all about money, right?

Cornello: No, it's the same thing we try to do every night! TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD! Oh wait, you're not chained up anymore.

Edward: Who did you think you were messing around with here? I'm a State Alchemist. Come on, you knew that.

Cornello: Minions! Don't believe him!

*gunfire, because gunfire convinces everybody*

Edward: Still can't hit me with a machine gun even when I'm sitting on the ground about three feet away from you. You suck.

Cornello: Eeek! Chibi alchemists with blades who got in one surprise attack on me are terrifying! Run away! Run away! Dammit, there's that angry mob again. Ignore the panicked look I had a second ago, and listen to my attempts to placate you! And if that doesn't work, let me show you that I can still move around stone statues!

Edward: Isn't there a chapter in the Evil Villains' Handbook about when to give up?

Cornello: You can't transmute without your watch!

Edward: What, you honestly think that all State Alchemists can transmute without arrays because of the watches? You people really are out on the ass-end of creation here, aren't you? Now observe as I use your own miracle against you, because the irony will appeal to those who like to see the cute title character win in the end.

Cornello: Hot damn, you are better alchemist without a Stone than I am with one. This line was for the cabbages in the audience, just in case anybody was unclear about how much you rock.

Alphonse: My brother's punishment didn't have much affect on him. He's still an arrogant little bastard.

*Cornello's arm is caught in a rebound*

Edward: Although it's turned out to be a good thing that you didn't give me that Stone, I'm going to throw a minor tantrum anyway.


*later*


Edward: Oh well, let's head out.

Rose: Damn you. You've got my soul, now what are you going to do with it?

Edward: Kick it a couple of times, what else? Oh, and remind you that you're not as bad off as you could be, that will come in handy later.

Alphonse: Don't take it personally, he's not what you'd call a people person. But because we still want your soul, I'll narrate the next couple of episodes for you.


*back at the temple*


Cornello: You mean I was just a patsy?

Lust: You're too dumb to be anything else. You did everything according to the Evil Villains' Handbook. You think the heroes haven't read that too? Now let me explain my evil plot to you.

Gluttony: Lust, can I eat him?

Cornello: Rather than run away from this obvious threat, I'll just stand here and look alarmed.


*outside the temple*


Angry mob: Holy shit, there's dead birds everywhere! Just what kind of SICK SICK THINGS was Cornello up to here? Because people who kill birds are just sick in the head. Let's have chicken for dinner.

Envy!Cornello: Allow me to prove to you that I'm the real High Priest by resurrecting all the dead birds, this time without a Philosopher's Stone flash of red alchemy. You're all so easy to mindfuck.

Lust: Sorry, Envy, you have to stay here, which means you can't hang around in exciting, fun-filled Xenotime with us.