Fullmetal Alchemist Fan Fiction ❯ Hagane no Renkinjutsushi - Summarized ❯ Episode 5 - Shissou! Auto-mail! ( Chapter 5 )

Edward: What, no summary of the prior episode?

Alphonse: You're wanting one?

Edward: ... good point. Don't spend too much time agonizing over those rolls, you can't eat them and it's already been shown that I will eat anything that isn't moving fast enough to escape me.

*phone rings, Mustang answers*

Edward: I know you can't see me, but I'm going to snap to attention anyway. You're possibly the only person to successfully intimidate me, but I'll get over the intimidation fast so enjoy it while you can.

Mustang: I'm going to test his luck.

Hawkeye: He survived not one, but two human transmutations in the space of under half an hour, and you want to test his luck??


*Opening credits*

*Title card : Dash! Automail!*


Edward: I don't understand that Lt. Col. Mustang. After all, I listened to him talk once while I was all but unconscious, and then I had a 30-second conversation with him back at the train station. I should understand his every motive!

Alphonse: There's a small child gawking at me.

Edward: Let's bond with the small child instead of minding our own business.

Alphonse: As if you can ever mind your own business.

Edward: Look, I'll even show her my automail. Kids think automail is cool, and never think that I had to have my ARM TORN OFF to get it. This will establish us as nice, respectable people.


*elsewhere in the train*


Hakuro: Time to explain what the hell I'm doing on this train for the cabbages in the audience ... I'll strike up a conversation with this random military redshirt guarding me to convey the necessary information! Unfortunately, none of this will explain why I didn't take military transport.

Farman: Look, I'm a much less important character than Mustang, and I have lines in the first episode I'm in! Take that, Mustang!

Hughes: Pay attention, we're introducing new characters right and left, and this gushing of mine will be a running joke. And then pay even closer attention, because there's more to the running joke than meets the eye!

Farman: I need to go on patrol again. Not because anybody told me to, but because I just don't feel safe.

Mustang: Look, I can scare the shit out of my staff by snapping my fingers. Why I felt a need to wear my ignition gloves in my office is not something I'm going to bother to explain. Maybe Havoc has been looking at me funny lately ...

Farman: People wearing a huge suit of armor and making spectacles of themselves are suspicious, but people quietly wearing mirrorshades are not.

Mustang: There are no taps on this line. Wait ... did they even know how to wiretap in 1910?

Hughes: Actually, yes they did.

Farman: I found someone very obviously suspicious! I am a master of observation, because I can see a six-foot suit of armor!

Mustang: Hah hah hah, that guy's okay, because I spent a couple of minutes with him back in February and although he didn't say anything to me at all at that point, and I know that he and his brother did something that no sane or moral person would try, and I know that he's at least acquainted with the girl whose parents I killed, somehow despite all of this I just know that that guy is an okay guy! And by the way, did you see a chibi guy with him? The chibi guy is also okay, although I have the same incredible lack of information on him as well.

Edward: I'm short enough to sleep sideways on a train seat. But don't point that out to me because I always have an ear open for the word "chibi."

Farman: Edward and I should get along great, because subtlety is a word neither of us has ever heard before. Who stuck me in this covert security detail anyway?


*elsewhere on the train*


Bard: You know I'm a bad guy because I have a patch over one eye. You know I'm the leader of the bad guys because I walk very slowly and speak with a tiny smirk.

Random Hijacker: We have the radio! And it looks like nobody was using it, because the idea that someone might have been using it and then ducked out the window has not occurred to me.

Bard: Let's call Lt. Col. Mustang to give him our ransom demands. Because a Lieutenant Colonel is so much more capable of making sure our demands are met than any of the dozens of higher-ranked brass in Central City. I am Bard of a group that sounds important and dangerous, but you will never hear about us again.

Mustang: Very well, I'll meet your demands, but don't kill anybody.

Bard: Too late, we already shot the nameless redshirt who was standing guard outside with Farman, and the nameless redshirt who was inside with the General is bleeding from the shoulder. Oops!

Mustang: Well ... okay, but don't kill anybody else!

Hawkeye: Are you sure it's a good idea to dick around with hijackers? I mean, aren't those kinds of people supposed to be taken seriously?

Mustang: Don't worry, I already took the necessary steps. I made sure that an ELEVEN-YEAR-OLD ALCHEMIST got on that train! I've looked into my crystal ball and learned that eleven-year-old alchemists with no impulse control are the solution to all problems.

Bard: What's that Mustang guy thinking?

Audience: We would be asking the same question, except that we read the manga.


*commercial break*


Edward: I guess I should get used to people pointing guns at me. LOOK, THE GOODYEAR BLIMP!

Alphonse: That trick will never ever work again.

Edward: Sure it will! Everybody knows that hijackers are dumb.

Random Passengers: We're sheep. The kind of sheep that hijackers love. Our descendents will inherit our sheep-like tendencies to such a degree that eventually you won't even need guns, you will just have to wave a pointy object at them to keep them from resisting.

Edward: I still haven't learned which end of the gun is the dangerous end. I'll point the barrel of this one at my crotch as well.

Farman: I suck. So who are you guys?

Edward: We're alchemists.

Farman: Oooh, alchemists! I'll tell you everything! The fact that you're alchemists makes you instantly trust-worthy!

Edward: I'll head forward over the roofs of the cars. Although I'm small, the wind has no power over me because I weigh three times what I should, what with all this automail. Plus, I look cool with my hair blowing around.

Bard: Although things are starting to go wrong, instead of showing that I'm serious by shooting some hostages or something, I'll instead split my men up further by ordering them to go search the rear cars of the train. Oh, and check outside the cars too, because you never know when a chibi alchemist might get the hare-brained idea to run over the roofs of the cars.

Edward: Check out how cute I can look when I'm surprised to still be alive.

Hughes: Hah hah, and you thought I was just comic relief! See my fangs!

Random Hijacker: Rather than shoot you when you slammed a knife through my buddy's hand, I will instead stand here and ask who you are, and give the kid in the window behind him time to kick me in the head. The idea that you weren't alone hasn't occurred to me.

Edward: See? I told you hijackers were dumb. Look, I remember how to use alchemy. But I've forgotten my speed-array-drawing technique from the last episode. Thank god, that was kind of creepy anyway. Pay attention, I am drawing the array with my RIGHT hand.

Random Hijacker: I just got hit in the head with a cannonball, but for some reason that didn't kill me.

Bard: Blue sparks, and an object appears that wasn't there a second ago. Damn those alchemists! If you interfere, I'll start killing hostages!

Edward: ... I've already interfered, or did you fall asleep during the commercial break? Have some water, because you'll never expect water to come out of a water pipe.

Hughes: While I'm pretty damned cool, I can't be allowed to be as cool as Edward.

Bard: I'll never live down having my brilliant plan foiled by someone who hasn't reached puberty yet!

Edward: I was older in the manga, and already a State Alchemist, and wasn't using arrays, so you didn't look quite this incompetent.

Bard: Dammit. I see you have automail!

Edward: ... when, and why precisely, did I take off my right glove? I had it on a second ago ...

Bard: Well, let me tell you my not-really-all-that-tragic history, and become the first of a long, long line of people who will attempt to forge a link with you by asserting that my past and motives are not so different from yours.

Edward: And I will establish a precedent here by denying this link as the lame crap it is. I'll also show you that my automail can crush metal, because it rocks Just That Much. Your motives for wanting to destroy the military are stupid, anyway.


*at the station*


Mustang: The brass couldn't be bothered to come.

Bard: I would have gotten away with it, too, if it hadn't been for those meddling kids! Eat hidden knife, Mustang!

*boom*

Mustang: I am Roy Mustang. My rank is Lieutenant Colonel. And I am the Flame Alchemist. Because no episode is complete without some lines for the cabbages in the audience.

Edward: You did this on purpose, didn't you!?

Mustang: Get used to it, this will be the pattern for our relationship from now on. One moment while I practice my smug grin.

Edward: Gotcha. One moment while I practice my outraged rant.

Marin: Look, there they are! Thanks! Thanks so much!

Edward: ... You were right, Al. This is giving me a hard-on.