Fullmetal Alchemist Fan Fiction ❯ Our Brothers ❯ What I Deserve ( Chapter 19 )

Our Brothers

By: joyfulmusic

 

I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist. None of it… Ain't that just so sad?

Warnings: A few small spoilers. There are some thoughts of suicide, and there will be an eating disorder... or two.

 

Author's note: This is where one of the eating disorders comes in. As well as the suicidal thoughts.

 

Chapter 19: What I Deserve

 

I looked into the mirror. My face was thin and pale. My eyes had dark circles under them from lack of sleep. The light showed just how much my cheekbones stuck out. The clothes I wore hung loose against my body. My hair was limp against my shoulders, no body to it at all.

 

It had been two months since I'd seen anyone. My pantry was low but that didn't matter anymore. I'd quit eating, I wasn't worth it. Nothing I did was right, so I'd just simply quit doing anything. Soon I was sure I would die, leaving the world to get by without Ona the Destroyer.

 

The phone rang but I didn't move from the couch to answer it. My energy was failing me. Anorexia was my only company. I'd done it once before but quit. At sixteen I'd decided I had plenty to live for. Now that I didn't have anything it didn't matter. Dying would be a token gesture compared to the hell my brother was facing due to my actions.

 

It will be better. I told myself. If I'm not here when he gets out. He won't have to face the problems Al did when he saw Ed again. He'll be better off without a big sister. He's probably already thankful he's not with me. After all, I killed our parents.

 

I leaned my head back and closed my eyes. Ghost from the past still haunted my memories. They seemed to fill every room of the house making it difficult to breath. I'd tried to burry them but found it impossible. Instead they'll have to burry me with them.

 

I'd found that I couldn't bring myself to commit suicide outright. Besides, it was too quick, too little pain. If I was going to die I wanted it to be long and drawn out. I wanted to feel the pain for the things I'd done.

 

I could hear a banging but it sounded distant. Almost as though I was underwater and it was coming from above the surface. I didn't try to move, didn't feel like trying. It would be too much work to bother with.

 

Then there was a loud clap, similar to thunder. “Ona!” I opened my eyes and turned my head to see who had called my name. There stood Edward in the broken doorway. He'd used alchemy to get past it. “Ona…” He whispered, moving closer to me. “What have you done?”

 

What have I done? Why not? Go ahead blame me. I have done this to myself. You weren't supposed to come here though. You're supposed to be with Winry, living happily ever after. I thought these things but couldn't find the strength to say them aloud.

 

Ed gently lifted me into his arms. Tears flowed down his face. “We've got to get you to a hospital.” I tried to pull away but couldn't. He ran out the door, gripping me tightly. Then he saw the truck.

 

After he'd slid me in to the passenger's side and laid me down on the seat he went around to the driver's door. The keys were in the ignition, where I usually left them. He put on his seatbelt and turned them, the truck starting immediately. Never did that for me.

 

I watched out the window from where my head rested just on his real leg. The clouds were billowy but not threatening. There would be no rain to pour forth from them today. Instead it reminded me of cotton candy, which inevitably reminded me of my brother.

 

Tears streaked down my face. Oh Emery, I've failed you again. Why couldn't he just let me die? Wouldn't that be enough for all the wrong things I've done? I felt a metal hand brush my cheek, it was Ed's automail. He was stroking my face but keeping his eyes on the road.

 

“I'll get you to the hospital.” He murmured, almost as if to himself. “It'll be fine. They'll know what to do.” His golden eyes looked down into mine as we stopped at an intersection. “Then we'll work things out.”

 

I closed my eyes and listened to the hum of the road underneath the wheels. Slowly the sounded faded as I drifted off to sleep. I wasn't sure, but in a way, I was hoping it was death, coming to claim its next victim.

 

 

“Well she's very weak.” I heard a man's voice speaking, but I didn't open my eyes. “She seems to have decided to use Anorexia as a form of suicide. Judging from what all you've told me that is.”

 

“Will she be alright?” Ed was speaking in hushed worry. “She'll make it through this, right? I didn't find her too late.”

 

“It's hard to say.” The person, who seemed to be a doctor, explained. “A little while longer and I'm sure we would have lost her. As it is…” He paused momentarily. “Well it's up to her. She'll choose if she wants to live or not.”

 

“Thank you.” I heard Ed say. Then I heard footsteps and the opening and closing of a door. I felt a set of hands take my left one. I could feel that one was warm and soft, while the other was cold and hard.

 

“Please live.” He whispered. “I can't fail you too. Don't you understand that? I need you here. We all do. Please come back, don't leave me. Don't make me tell Al I came too late. Please, don't die.”

 

I opened my eyes slowly. Everything seemed so bright. The walls were a blue-white which made them brighter than normal. An IV was stuck in my right hand, while Edward held my left. I could hear the machines as they ticked away, recording my heartbeat and who knows what all else.

 

Then I turned my head to look at him. His face was red with tears, his eyes shut. “Ed.” I murmured, trying to get his attention. “Edward.” I whispered again.

 

He opened his eyes and looked at me. “Ona.” He breathed, a smile forming across his lips. He swallowed hard as he moved a hand to bush my hair. “Please don't leave me.”

 

I smiled slightly and blinked slowly. “I'm here.” I whispered. “I'm still here.” I closed my eyes but I could feel him lean over and kiss my forehead gently. His warm breath felt good as I lay in the cold hospital room.

 

Blinking a smiled a little. “How's Al?” My voice was barely auditable but he was able to hear me.

 

“He's fine.” Ed's fingers ran through my hair. “He misses you though. I had to convince him that we needed to speak in private before he came to see you.” His brow furrowed. “I wasn't sure at first, but now I'm glad I made him stay with Winry.

 

“Sorry.” I apologized turning from him. “You weren't supposed to find me before...” He laid a finger faintly against my lips then gently took my chin and turned my face to look back at him.

 

“Hush, I'm glad I did.” His voice wasn't angry, just sad. “I don't even want to think about what would have happened if I hadn't come.”

 

“I'm tired.” I murmured softly.

 

“Then rest.” He kissed my forehead again. “I'll be here when you wake. Just get some sleep. It'll be fine.” I saw the warm smile on his face as I closed my eyes.

 

It'll be fine. My mind repeated. It'll be fine.

 

 

“Ona, you have a visitor.” Ed gently shook my arm bringing me back to the real world. Looking at the small calendar I could see that several days had passed without my knowing it. “Do you think you're up to seeing someone?” He asked.

 

Aren't you considered a visitor? My mind questioned. But I nodded without saying anything. I knew he'd been there the whole time. A small cot had been brought in and now sat in the corner of the room.

 

Edward stood and walked to the door. Slowly he opened it revealing a tall, thin, brown haired teenager. A soft smile was on the teen's face along with worried apprehension. In his hands he held a small bouquet of handpicked flowers. “Hey sis.” His voice had changed, it was now deep, like Ed's.

 

I bit my lip in realization. Tears ran down my cheeks. It's him, he's really here. I held out my arms pleading for a hug. “Emery.” I managed.

 

He rushed forward and leaned over me. Slowly he began to sob. He held me tightly, barely allowing me room to breath. His hair was a little longer, but was the same color and texture as it had always been. He was muscular, but his eyes still sparkled.

 

I held on to him for dear life. I'm sorry. You shouldn't have had to come here. My mind whispered. But I'm so glad you did.

 

We stayed that way for what seemed like an eternity. Neither of us wanted to let go. It reminded me of when Al had first accepted his older brother. Emery had welcomed me whole heartedly. It was as though he was forgiving me for all the wrongs I'd done to him over the years, without a second thought it seemed.

 

“I'm sorry.” He whispered kissing my cheek lightly. “I'm so sorry.” He embraced me in another hug, his tears mingling with my own.

 

“Emery, what do you have to be sorry for?” I asked gently, though my voice faltered. “I'm the one who failed you. I've been a terrible sister. Even before we lost mom and dad. But you've been the best little brother ever.”

 

He backed away and looked at me with awestruck eyes. “No sis.” He shook his head. “It was all my fault. If I would've walked to my friend's house they wouldn't have been on that side of town. They died because of me. And then I couldn't get to you. I tried but every time I broke out they'd catch me before I could make it home.”

 

I marveled at his remarks. How can that be? How can he possibly blame himself? I found my voice again and spoke, “But… I thought you'd hate me. I could've taken you to the movies with me that night. And then they wouldn't let me see you, wouldn't even let me write to you. I'm the one who failed.”

 

He sat down on the edge of the bed lightly and took my hand. “It's not your fault. Maybe it wasn't even my fault. Maybe some things just happen for no reason. I mean look at him.” Emery pointed toward Edward then smirked at me. “Because of what happened, you found his brother, and he met you. Then he was able to get me out.”

 

I looked questioning at Ed who shrugged. “I pulled some strings. Made a few phone calls. Now he's home to stay.” He walked over to the other side of my bed. “So you won't be alone.”

 

I smiled at him and then turned to Emery. “This is too much. I mean, the house is so small. There's not much room. Are you sure you won't mind? One of us will have to use the cot or the couch.”

 

He laughed flashing his old childish smile. “Sis, I'll sleep in the kitchen if I have to.” Then he leaned over and hugged me again. “Just so long as you get better and come home. I need you.” His voice was so foreign yet so wonderful at the same time. He was my brother, no matter how much he'd changed over the past two years.

 

 

Author's note:

I am NOT pro-anorexia. I lived through that hell so I don't want to hear it doesn't work that way! I've already had pro-eating disorder people down some of my other works on the subject. If you have those opinions then fine, it's your right. But in the end, you will get hurt. So please, if you haven't tried it, don't.