Fullmetal Alchemist Fan Fiction ❯ Walking the Line Between Want and Need ❯ Chapter 4

Chapter 4

 

“Who were you talking to sir?”

 

Roy stared at the blond woman still standing in the door way. This was the first he had really allowed himself to take a good look at her since last night, and even in her uniform and with the worried look on her face, she was beautiful. It scared him how his heart jumped in his chest and he was barely able to remain in his seat. With every ounce of willpower, he fought the urge to reach out and wrap his arms around her. If he could only hear that whimper again… he finally got his brain working enough to give her a reply.

 

“Uumm…” his brain scrambled to come up with an excuse. For a second he was going to say he'd been on the phone, but he remembered the phones were down for the day. “Aahhh… it was no one, lieutenant. I was just… talking myself through a problem.” It was the only thing he could come up with and still sound somewhat sane. What else could he tell her? I was just talking to my dead best friend about my feelings for you and bragging to him how great sex was last night. It didn't exactly give the impression of sanity he wanted to project.

 

When she finally entered the room, hands filled with papers, the afternoon sunlight streaming thru the window lit up her face. He almost groaned when he saw her beautiful blond hair, in the glow of sunlight, shining in innumerable shades of gold. He wanted to see it down on her shoulders and maybe if he timed and aimed it just right, he could destroy her hair clip with a snap of his fingers. He refrained, knowing such an action would probably earn him a shot to an appendage. A small part of him urged that it might just be worth it.

 

He'd been thinking of her all morning - actually all of his sleepless last night as well, not to mention his `conversation' with Hughes. He still hadn't come anywhere close to an answer. He… cared for her. Much more than was appropriate for a CO and subordinate. Even through Hughes's urging, he hesitated to call it love but it was definitely more than just physical desire. The feeling of lust was familiar to him, but this was different, it was more than that. It probably wasn't love, but he had nothing to compare that emotion to. He'd once heard someone say that when you love another person you will do anything to make them happy, even if it means letting her go. To him, that sounded rather idiotic. If he loved her and she loved him, wouldn't she be happiest being with him? Or was he being selfish and therefore completely unable to understand the concept of love? And she didn't love him. While he was sure the emotions of love and lust could exist for another person, he just wasn't sure it was for him. What had he done to deserve love? Absolutely nothing. That wasn't the reason he had been kept alive. So it wasn't love, but it was more than friendship. All he was sure of was that he couldn't survive if she was gone. At times, she was his last handhold to keep him from falling into that familiar pit of self loathing. For some reason, she saw good in him and made him almost feel worthy of holding the title of Fuehrer someday. Just the thought of being away from her or putting her in danger scared him more than anything. So, he concluded, she was definitely more than a friend but he wasn't in love with her.

 

Right now, looking at the beautiful woman walking toward him, he almost felt happy. While he may have made the first move, she was the one that pulled him into her apartment to take things further. She had wanted him, be it only physically and only once. She allowed him to touch her body and stroke her skin, to kiss her lips and to hold her in his arms her while surrounding him tightly with her body. All things he'd found himself obsessing over. And it had all felt so good, more than words could express and it was all he could do to think of anything else. Life without her by his side was something he never even wanted to contemplate. He needed her to stay with him forever. Could this possibly be love?

 

Her father would have killed me.

 

But even that brief thought couldn't prevent his mind from straying back to the memory of what she hid under the uniform. Under that ugly, genderless, blue clothing, she was more gorgeous than he'd ever imagined in his any of his fantasies. Her fair, soft skin with rounded curves in all the right places, called to him, begging to be stroked and caressed. And she had been his. Even for that short amount of time they'd spent in that dark hallway, she'd been his and allowed him to hold her so closely in his arms. Even for those few moments afterward. He couldn't lose her now. He wouldn't lose her now.

 

Just seeing her standing in the bright sunlight he longed to reach out, drag her onto the desk and fuck her brains out. The couch or the floor would work just as well but he had always wanted to have sex on a desk. Strangely enough, that was one of the few places he hadn't. And he wanted to do it with her and remember it forever. And while every part of his body was urging him toward fulfilling that dream of spending the happiest moments he'd ever had at a desk, a vivid memory of what she could do to him with the pistol on her hip won out.

 

“Lieutenant, would you please close the door? There is a matter I need to discuss with you.”

 

Riza's heart churned as she turned to close the door behind her. They needed to discuss something? Taking a deep breath, she wiped the emotions from her face before turning around. She was afraid to look him in the eyes now. There was a big difference between knowing they needed to talk and actually discussing their… encounter. Actually, she had futilely hoped he wouldn't bring the subject up. Last night had been fast and hard and rough and everything she wanted from him. Everything she needed from him. But she'd been weak and those few exquisite moments of wild, passionate sex could put everything they'd spent the past several years working for at risk. If anyone found out, their careers and their very lives could be sacrificed, either used as a disciplinary example or just made to disappear.

 

She couldn't allow such a thing to happen; therefore what they did last night could never happen again. She'd told herself they would only do it once, she would only allow herself that one indulgence and she meant it. This would never happen again. Ever. No matter how much she wanted it and wanted him. And lord, did she want him again.

 

But what did he want to say to her? Was he going to tell her he regretted everything? That he wished he'd never offered her the aide position? Was he going to say things had become too uncomfortable and he was going to transfer her from his command? Would he tell her everything was a mistake; that he never wanted to see her again? As much as it would hurt to hear any of those words from his lips, she needed to prepare herself for just such a thing. Tears threatened to well in her eyes just thinking about it and she didn't want to cry in front of him, no matter what was said.

 

She had to be strong. She knew he could never love her like that, never love her as she loved him. It just wasn't possible and logic only reinforced it. He could have his choice of women, all practically drooling to be with him, so there was no reason he would chose her over all those others. She was nothing special and had nothing to offer that any other woman didn't have. Realizing this opened an empty, aching hole in her chest, a place she knew only he could fill. But it couldn't be helped; there was nothing she could do so she would endure it. She was strong enough to do this. Strong enough to protect him without being with him.

 

Except just looking at him made that vow next to impossible. It was that piece of hair that sometimes fell across his forehead. Her hand itched to reach out and brush it from his eyes and if she had trouble preventing herself from doing that, she knew coming any closer to him would break her. A distance needed to be kept between them, for, if there wasn't, all her efforts to control her emotions would crumble.

 

She came to stand in front of his desk, not quite able to look him in the eyes, concentrating on the desk instead, analyzing the piles of papers in the boxes on the side of his desk. Her neat handwritten script labeled one box for incoming paperwork and the other for completed paperwork. Adding the papers in her hands to the already towering stack in the incoming tray, she frowned at the few sheets of paper in the completed tray. Ignoring her churning emotions, she tried to slip back into the familiar role of taskmistress. “Sir, you really must complete more paperwork or you will never be able to finish today's work.”

 

“It is military paperwork, Lieutenant. There is no such thing as finishing it.” He rose and walked around the desk, reaching for her hand. She quickly stepped aside and busied herself with tidying his desk, trying to avoid his touch. His hands halted her movements, clasping her hands in his, causing her to reluctantly look up into his face.

 

“Sir, stop, please.” She asked, unaware of the begging look in her eyes that nearly broke him.

 

Bowing her head again, she sighed and gathered her courage, trying to pull her hands away. She watched his thumb slowly stroking the back of one of her hands, making it difficult for her to concentrate on forming words. When she finally managed to pull away, she was annoyed with herself for the empty feeling left from his contact.

 

“Sir, please don't.” She said again, the tone in her voice quite clearly desperate. Turning back to the desk, she nervously returned to straightening it, stacking papers and placing pens in the pencil cup, trying to prevent herself from reaching for him again. He was just so damn close!

 

This time it was his arms that wrapped around her waist and pulled her back against his body. The warmth of him enveloped her, and even though her mind told her not to, she found her body relaxing against his, just enjoying the comforting feeling of being held by him.

 

As he'd been thinking of doing earlier, his fingers unclasped her hair clip allowing her blond strands to fall to her shoulders. He buried his face into her sweet smelling hair to enjoy the soft feel of it. “Riza…” he whispered into her ear, his hot breath sending shivers down her spine. Pulling aside the golden silk of her hair, his lips brushed the skin above the collar of her uniform, kissing his way toward her pulse point. His mouth sealed against the gently throbbing vein on her neck, his tongue slipping out to lick gently at her bare flesh.

 

Oh, god, how she wanted this man! She'd been so busy preparing herself for the disappointment of rejection that she hadn't even considered what she would do if he wanted more from her! Her mind was racing with possibilities, but one thing stood out like a sore thumb. As pleasing as the idea of being with him was, no matter how wonderful she felt being held in his arms, and the delicious shivers she got from his mouth against her skin, the consequences were just too high.

 

But only if you're caught.

 

Would it be worth it? Her body said yes, screaming and begging for his touch. But she couldn't. Everything, including Hughes' death, could be lost for nothing more than two people who couldn't control their own bodies. She couldn't help but whimper as his mouth moved so his teeth could tug on her earlobe, her vocal sounds turning to a moan as his hands slid up to cup her breasts. Unintentionally, her back arched to press more of her breasts into his hands. Fingertips brushed over her cloth covered nipples, teasing the sensitive skin until he could feel the gently protruding flesh pucker into hard tips, making her wish there wasn't quite so much clothing between their bodies.

 

Her hands reached behind her to pull his body closer and she gasped as she felt his aroused body pressed into hers. He was hard already!? Oh, god he was so difficult to resist! Eyes closed, she took deep breaths trying to quell her own desire and suppress the feelings he was stirring in her. Yet all she could do was enjoy his scent and the warmth of his body. It was quickly becoming too much for her to control her own emotions, desires and needs.

 

His mouth worked his way down from her ear leaving hot open mouth kisses along her jaw before she finally gave in and turned her head to kiss his lips. The soft feeling of their lips brushing together sent a euphoric wave thru her body, his tongue hesitating slightly before slipping past her lips to search for her tongue. The lovely taste of his mouth, familiar from the night before flooded over her taste buds, satisfying a craving she didn't even know she'd had. One of his hands slid up to caress her cheek while the other moved down from her breast, over her stomach to settle between the apex of her thighs. Gently stroking her thru the fabric, he pulled her tighter to him and she moaned softly at the intense longing he was able to provoke in her.

 

Yet there was the smallest twinge of doubt. Why was he doing this to her? Surely he knew they shouldn't be doing this, much less doing this in his office. She'd already established he couldn't love her, so it must be… because she was a convenient female. Surely he couldn't think that she would… the small empty space in her chest widened until she swore it would tear her in two, the pain reaching an unbearable level.

 

“No!” She cried and pushed him away. “Don't do this to me! I don't- I can't-” Riza gasped, twisting from his arms and stumbled toward the door, leaving a stunned Colonel staring at the closing door.

 

“Ri-” his voice cut off as the door slammed shut behind her. He was torn - should he go after her or let her cool off? Did she need to cool off? What had he done to upset her so much? Perhaps she disliked the way he touched her? Was the thought of being with him so repulsive?

 

“Sure blew that one, didn't ya Roy?” Roy turned to find Hughes, once again sitting on his couch.

 

“Not again, damn it!” Roy grumbled.

 

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Deciding it would be best for Riza to have some time alone, Roy took a seat behind his desk and stared at the figure on the couch.

 

“I do appreciate you waiting to show up until after Riza left. I would have had a hard time doing anything while you were in the room.”

 

“Looks like you had trouble doing anything even when I wasn't in the room.”

 

“What'd I say to upset her that much?”

 

“You're pushing too hard. I think you're going to need to go slower with her. Show her that you want more than a one night stand. That you want to be with only her. I think you need-” a brief knock interrupted Hughes opinion.

 

Before Roy could even give permission to enter, Havoc opened the door, walked thru and kicked it shut behind him.

 

“So what'd you do chief?” Havoc asked as he threw himself on the couch, still smoking his ever-present cigarette.

 

“Havoc?” Roy leaned back in his chair to stare at the man sitting on his couch where Hughes had been only moments before. He was relived Hughes had disappeared; there was no way he could deal with Hughes's smartass remarks while talking with Havoc, who seemed determined to poke into his personal life. “Have a seat, Havoc.” His voice heavy with sarcasm. He pulled open a drawer, withdrew his gloves and tugged them on. “What brings you here?”

 

“The lieutenant. What did you say?”

 

“I have no idea what you are talking about.”

 

“Riza just stalked through the office, grabbed her weapons and some more ammunition before leaving again for the firing range. She was in here talking with you just before that, so I'll ask you again, what'd you say to her, sir?” Havoc's tone may have been slightly joking, but Roy could hear the determination behind it.

 

Roy knew Havoc had a weak spot for Riza, well, Havoc had a weak spot for any pretty woman, but he was a little more protective of her. Not to the point she would notice, because if she did, he was just asking for more paperwork or a bullet-hole in a non-paperwork necessary part of the body. He and Riza had been friends for a long time, since the academy actually, and Riza had made it clear she only cared for him as a friend.

 

Roy said nothing but raised an eyebrow.

 

“Chief? I saw you and her this morning. You both got coffee from the coffee urn without saying a word and not even looking at each other.”

 

“Just leave it Havoc.” Roy's eyes unintentionally flicked to her hair clip he'd set on his desk. Havoc's eyes followed and widened slightly seeing Riza's hair clip.

 

“You were both here late last night, did something happen?”

 

“Havoc!” Roy's tone was warning.

 

“You've both been different since Brigadier General Hughes died.”

 

Havoc lit a new cigarette with the end of his old one. He flicked the faintly glowing embers of the old one toward the trashcan. With a snap of his fingers Roy incinerated the butt, letting the ashes fall to the floor.

 

“He died because of me. I should have been paying more attention to what Fullmetal has been doing recently.”

 

“If anyone is to blame, it's Fullmetal and even he couldn't have prevented Hughes's death. And you've changed the subject. It was a nice try, though.” Havoc said with a smile.

 

The two men stared at each other. Neither willing to make a move or say a word.

 

Eventually Havoc spoke. “I've seen the way you look at her, Chief.” The glare Roy sent Havoc could have easily served as an ignition source.

 

“And what way is that?” Roy asked, his voice filled with an unspoken warning.

 

“If you were looking at me that way I'd be afraid for my ass.” Havoc took another draw from his cigarette.

 

Catching the innuendo, Roy struggled to keep the smirk from his face. “Don't worry, Lieutenant, your ass is safe.”

 

“Frankly, I don't care what the two of you do as long as you don't hurt her. I know the other guys in the office wouldn't say a word even under the threat of death.” Havoc said as he stood & moved toward the door. “But if you hurt her, I'll need to kick your ass.” He hesitated and picked up the hair clip from Roy's desk. “I'll just put this on her desk for you.” Havoc said before closing the door behind him.

 

TBC