Futurama Fan Fiction ❯ Bender Gets Mavericky ❯ ACT I: "Downloading Porn" ( Chapter 1 )
[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
By: rollaroach 
During a delivery to planet Rock-a-Porn 9, Bender loses his patience for humans and their insatiable lust while Fry loses something a bit more important...
Non Anime: Futurama Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Comedy | Type: Continuation | Uploaded On: 07.12.2009 | Pages: 2 | Words: 2.0K | Visits: 1.5K | Status: Completed
During a delivery to planet Rock-a-Porn 9, Bender loses his patience for humans and their insatiable lust while Fry loses something a bit more important...
Non Anime: Futurama Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Comedy | Type: Continuation | Uploaded On: 07.12.2009 | Pages: 2 | Words: 2.0K | Visits: 1.5K | Status: Completed
Futurama: “Bender Gets Mavericky”
By: MW Roach
ACT 1: “Downloading Porn”
The crew casually turned their heads as the auto-door popped open revealing Professor Farnsworth; the handle to the hover-dolly in his withered hand; the dolly and object sitting upon it conveniently obscured from vision.
By: MW Roach
ACT 1: “Downloading Porn”
The crew casually turned their heads as the auto-door popped open revealing Professor Farnsworth; the handle to the hover-dolly in his withered hand; the dolly and object sitting upon it conveniently obscured from vision.
“Good news, everyone! You will be making a very special delivery today!” His voice croaked with enthusiasm.
“Can’t.” Bender snapped, his shield pulled over his eyes. “Downloading porn.”
“Me too.” Fry concurred, flipping through the pages of his monthly ‘Hot Earth Chicks and other Sexy Beings’ magazine.
With an agitated grunt, Leela grabbed the magazine from Fry’s hands, rolled it up and whacked Bender in the head with it; interrupting the download process. Obediently, she saluted Farnsworth. “What’re we delivering, professor?”
Finally, Farnsworth revealed the dolly and the colossal golden trophy that sat upon it. “This is the object you’ll be delivering!” He snipped gleefully.
The crew simply gasped at the enormous trophy, which was oddly shaped like a penis.
“Hey! Are you guys going to Homophoria? They’ve got a great dance club!” Amy cheered excitedly, hoping to tag along.
With a sigh, Fry got up from his seat. “I’ll go get my impenetrable titanium underpants.”
“No, no, no! This isn’t going to Homophoria, you morons!” Farnsworth hissed.
“Can I still wear my titanium underpants? They make me feel safe.”
“Where exactly are we going professor?” Leela inquired, seeing her dim-witted colleagues weren’t in the least bit interested.
“Better not be anyplace disgusting!” Bender added.
“Oh, my no. This trophy is the Giant Golden Erect-torial award. It’s being presented to Adult-film maker Larry Flint’s head on the planet Rock-a-Porn 9 in the Galaxy Erotica.”
“Oh, man! I hate that Galaxy! Nothing but half-naked squishy humans swapping DNA and telling dirty jokes…I’m not going!” Bender turned away, arms crossed like a spoiled child.
“You have to go! You’re the only one strong enough to lift this massive johnson!” The professor ordered.
“Why can’t they just use the hover-dolly?” Bender argued, intent on staying where he was.
“I need that to haul my Giant Golden Ass.” The professor turned and pointed to an unusually large golden statue of an ass. “Now THAT’S going to Homophoria next week…”
“Stupid planet Rock-a-Porn 9…” Bender groaned. “You know, it’s not even a real planet! It’s just an asteroid orbiting a black hole!”
“Ah, yes…the G Spot…” The professor recalled the name of the black hole dreamily.
“It’s not the size of the planet that matters…it’s how it orbits that counts…” Fry chuckled.
“That doesn’t even make any sense, you pea-brained imbecile!” The professor snapped at his uncle.
“Yeah, Fry.” Bender glared at his orange-headed comrade.
“Well, so long, everyone! I’m going to go polish my Ass…” Farnsworth called as he walked into the kitchen to locate his Ass-polisher.
“Stupid Professor and his giant ass…” Bender muttered dryly.
“Bender, stop muttering, grab your tally-whacker and cram it into the cargo.” Leela ordered.
Leela glared as Bender mocked her sentence is a nasally, obnoxious tone. Her anger was quickly remedied as she opened the door to the ship, crushing Bender’s head and legs into his body as the loading ramp landed neatly on top of him.
“Can’t.” Bender snapped, his shield pulled over his eyes. “Downloading porn.”
“Me too.” Fry concurred, flipping through the pages of his monthly ‘Hot Earth Chicks and other Sexy Beings’ magazine.
With an agitated grunt, Leela grabbed the magazine from Fry’s hands, rolled it up and whacked Bender in the head with it; interrupting the download process. Obediently, she saluted Farnsworth. “What’re we delivering, professor?”
Finally, Farnsworth revealed the dolly and the colossal golden trophy that sat upon it. “This is the object you’ll be delivering!” He snipped gleefully.
The crew simply gasped at the enormous trophy, which was oddly shaped like a penis.
“Hey! Are you guys going to Homophoria? They’ve got a great dance club!” Amy cheered excitedly, hoping to tag along.
With a sigh, Fry got up from his seat. “I’ll go get my impenetrable titanium underpants.”
“No, no, no! This isn’t going to Homophoria, you morons!” Farnsworth hissed.
“Can I still wear my titanium underpants? They make me feel safe.”
“Where exactly are we going professor?” Leela inquired, seeing her dim-witted colleagues weren’t in the least bit interested.
“Better not be anyplace disgusting!” Bender added.
“Oh, my no. This trophy is the Giant Golden Erect-torial award. It’s being presented to Adult-film maker Larry Flint’s head on the planet Rock-a-Porn 9 in the Galaxy Erotica.”
“Oh, man! I hate that Galaxy! Nothing but half-naked squishy humans swapping DNA and telling dirty jokes…I’m not going!” Bender turned away, arms crossed like a spoiled child.
“You have to go! You’re the only one strong enough to lift this massive johnson!” The professor ordered.
“Why can’t they just use the hover-dolly?” Bender argued, intent on staying where he was.
“I need that to haul my Giant Golden Ass.” The professor turned and pointed to an unusually large golden statue of an ass. “Now THAT’S going to Homophoria next week…”
“Stupid planet Rock-a-Porn 9…” Bender groaned. “You know, it’s not even a real planet! It’s just an asteroid orbiting a black hole!”
“Ah, yes…the G Spot…” The professor recalled the name of the black hole dreamily.
“It’s not the size of the planet that matters…it’s how it orbits that counts…” Fry chuckled.
“That doesn’t even make any sense, you pea-brained imbecile!” The professor snapped at his uncle.
“Yeah, Fry.” Bender glared at his orange-headed comrade.
“Well, so long, everyone! I’m going to go polish my Ass…” Farnsworth called as he walked into the kitchen to locate his Ass-polisher.
“Stupid Professor and his giant ass…” Bender muttered dryly.
“Bender, stop muttering, grab your tally-whacker and cram it into the cargo.” Leela ordered.
Leela glared as Bender mocked her sentence is a nasally, obnoxious tone. Her anger was quickly remedied as she opened the door to the ship, crushing Bender’s head and legs into his body as the loading ramp landed neatly on top of him.
The Planet Express ship landed on Planet Rock-a-Porn 9, parking near a sign that read: ALL DELIVERS ACCEPTED FROM THE FRONT AND FROM BEHIND. As Bender, with the giant trophy on his back, exited the ship and approached a young woman with very large fake boobs at the entrance of Rock-a-Porn 9’s Implan-itary Pub.
“Where do you want this thing?” Bender groaned under the weight of the object.
“The Erect-torial Award is being presented in the rear of the building.” The woman answered cheerfully, pointing to the other side of the planet.
“Ah, crap!” Bender moaned as he proceeded with the long trek to the back of the asteroid.
---------------
Meanwhile, Fry and Leela entered the Pub. Booths and stations were set up through the entire building as the 69th Annual Rockin’ Porn Convention was underway. A large banner strung across the ceiling read: HIV Tests No Longer Required! Everyone Has it Now!
Fry approached a young woman at one of the booths. “Hey, how’s it going?”
“Hello, sir!” She greeted. “Would you like to try our new Penis Enlargement Ray? It adds up to 4 inches 50% of the time.”
“Only half the time?”
“Yes. The other half the time, it makes it fall off…”
Fry looked down at his pants nervously. “…Hmm…I don’t know…4 inches you say? Well, I’ve always been a gambling man.” He unzipped his pants.
“The Erect-torial Award is being presented in the rear of the building.” The woman answered cheerfully, pointing to the other side of the planet.
“Ah, crap!” Bender moaned as he proceeded with the long trek to the back of the asteroid.
---------------
Meanwhile, Fry and Leela entered the Pub. Booths and stations were set up through the entire building as the 69th Annual Rockin’ Porn Convention was underway. A large banner strung across the ceiling read: HIV Tests No Longer Required! Everyone Has it Now!
Fry approached a young woman at one of the booths. “Hey, how’s it going?”
“Hello, sir!” She greeted. “Would you like to try our new Penis Enlargement Ray? It adds up to 4 inches 50% of the time.”
“Only half the time?”
“Yes. The other half the time, it makes it fall off…”
Fry looked down at his pants nervously. “…Hmm…I don’t know…4 inches you say? Well, I’ve always been a gambling man.” He unzipped his pants.
----------------
Leela, out of extreme curiosity, approached a booth operated by none other then Zapp Brannigan. “Zapp? What’re you doing here?”
Leela, out of extreme curiosity, approached a booth operated by none other then Zapp Brannigan. “Zapp? What’re you doing here?”
“Leela! My sweet, sexy mutant Cyclopes…You don’t know this about me, but I dabble in the business of, uh…” He stopped to rub his valor uniform. “…Adult films.”
“Ugh…who would put YOU in a porno?” Leela shuddered with distaste.
“I’m a freelance star. I make my own movies. Kif here is the cameraman!” Zapp playfully slapped Kif in his boneless back.
“Just when I thought my job couldn’t get anymore degrading…” Kif groaned embarrassingly.
“Not that I watch a whole lot of porn…but what movies have you been in?” Leela inquired.
“Plenty! Why, I’ve starred in such films as “All Dongs go to Heaven” and “The Little somewhat-bent-to-the-left Rascals”. My most recent role consisted of my character, a daring space explorer, being stranded on a planet of hot, sexy, unwilling primates. Kif, what was the title of that film?”
Kif sighed as he held up a movie cover of Zapp trying to make out with a frightened she-monkey. “Planet of the rApes.”
---------------
Bender approached a clear tube, still lugging the trophy on his back. The tube, a computer, beeped responsively at his presence.
“Please insert object into Presentation tube.” The computer requested in a feminine voice.
Bender, with a lazy groan, attempt to blindly poke around the entrance of the tube before finally getting the trophy inside. He wiped his forehead tiredly. “Whew! Got it!”
“…Is it in yet?” The computer asked in a teasing tone.
“Up yours!”
----------------
Fry exited the Emergency Medical Technicians tent, zipping up his pants.
“Thanks for reattaching it, doc.” Fry smiled.
“No problem kid, just try not to pull on it whole lot for a while.” The doctor informed, disappearing inside the tent.
Fry shrugged. “No promises.”
“Fry, there you are!” Leela called. “C’mon, let’s go find Bender.”
Fry pointed behind Leela. “Here he comes!”
Bender approached with a limp, his hand on his lower back. “Let’s get the hell off this planet before I sue somebody!”
Leela rolled her eye and sighed. “What happened?”
“I was delivering the stupid 14 karat wiener, minding my own business, when I slipped and fell in this puddle of yogurt!” He turned and showed the white curdles dripping off his rear.
Both Fry and Leela shuddered. “UGH! Disgusting!”
Fry backed up, his hand over his mouth, trying to hold back the heaves. “Bender, I don’t think that’s yogurt…”
“Well, whatever the hell it is, if it caused any damage to my ass, THIS WHOLE PLANET IS GOING DOWN!” Benders threat echoed throughout the entire building as a cheerful “woo hoo! I love goin’ down!” could be heard from offscreen.
“Ugh…who would put YOU in a porno?” Leela shuddered with distaste.
“I’m a freelance star. I make my own movies. Kif here is the cameraman!” Zapp playfully slapped Kif in his boneless back.
“Just when I thought my job couldn’t get anymore degrading…” Kif groaned embarrassingly.
“Not that I watch a whole lot of porn…but what movies have you been in?” Leela inquired.
“Plenty! Why, I’ve starred in such films as “All Dongs go to Heaven” and “The Little somewhat-bent-to-the-left Rascals”. My most recent role consisted of my character, a daring space explorer, being stranded on a planet of hot, sexy, unwilling primates. Kif, what was the title of that film?”
Kif sighed as he held up a movie cover of Zapp trying to make out with a frightened she-monkey. “Planet of the rApes.”
---------------
Bender approached a clear tube, still lugging the trophy on his back. The tube, a computer, beeped responsively at his presence.
“Please insert object into Presentation tube.” The computer requested in a feminine voice.
Bender, with a lazy groan, attempt to blindly poke around the entrance of the tube before finally getting the trophy inside. He wiped his forehead tiredly. “Whew! Got it!”
“…Is it in yet?” The computer asked in a teasing tone.
“Up yours!”
----------------
Fry exited the Emergency Medical Technicians tent, zipping up his pants.
“Thanks for reattaching it, doc.” Fry smiled.
“No problem kid, just try not to pull on it whole lot for a while.” The doctor informed, disappearing inside the tent.
Fry shrugged. “No promises.”
“Fry, there you are!” Leela called. “C’mon, let’s go find Bender.”
Fry pointed behind Leela. “Here he comes!”
Bender approached with a limp, his hand on his lower back. “Let’s get the hell off this planet before I sue somebody!”
Leela rolled her eye and sighed. “What happened?”
“I was delivering the stupid 14 karat wiener, minding my own business, when I slipped and fell in this puddle of yogurt!” He turned and showed the white curdles dripping off his rear.
Both Fry and Leela shuddered. “UGH! Disgusting!”
Fry backed up, his hand over his mouth, trying to hold back the heaves. “Bender, I don’t think that’s yogurt…”
“Well, whatever the hell it is, if it caused any damage to my ass, THIS WHOLE PLANET IS GOING DOWN!” Benders threat echoed throughout the entire building as a cheerful “woo hoo! I love goin’ down!” could be heard from offscreen.
PX: The next day…
Bender spotted Amy in front of the TV wearing a sports bra and short spandex shorts. He grunted with disgust.
Bender spotted Amy in front of the TV wearing a sports bra and short spandex shorts. He grunted with disgust.
“Ugh! Put your clothes on, you skank! I don’t want to see your pale, squishy body!”
“I’m watching my exercise video, you jerk!” Amy snapped, pressing her abs against the screen. A large ray scanned across her stomach, making it tight and well sculpted. Pleased, she backed up and posed in front of the mirror. “Ah, that’s better! Well worth the risk of stomach cancer!”
“Damn humans…” Bender muttered as he left that room and entered Hermes’ office.
Inside, Hermes and his wife exchanged a kiss on the cheek.
“Dank you fo bringin’ my Manwhich, Labarbera! You saved me da liberty of filling out my forgotten lunch forms!”
“No problem, huzband! You know I love ya!”
“Ugh, for lord’s sake, get a private room, you two!” Bender snapped, interrupting the romantic moment.
“We’re in my private office, you simple-minded Cyborg!” Hermes growled.
“Well, then get a lock on your door!”
“It WAS locked!”
“Well, then get one I CAN’T pick with my Swiss army knife! Not everyone wants to watch you two slobber each other down!” That said, Bender left in a huff. He stopped and observed Fry handing Leela a piece of paper.
“The professor axed me to give you this. It’s a list of the creams and ointments you need to get for him.”
Leela shuddered, but nodded in understanding. “Gross…well, thanks Fry.” She placed her hand on his shoulder.
Bender finally exploded in a rage. “DAMMIT ALL! IS THERE NO ROOM I CAN ENTER WITHOUT SEEING YOU DISGUSTING HUMANS PERFORMING YOUR VILE MATING RITUALS!?”
Fry and Leela turned, confused by Bender’s sudden eruption. “Huh?”
“THAT’S IT! I’VE HAD IT UP TO MY ANTENNEA WITH YOU MEATBAGS AND YOUR CONSTANT SEXUAL ADVANCES ON EACH OTHER! I QUIT!”
Fry and Leela gasped in surprise. Fry decided to try and convince his robotic friend to stay put. “Bender, no wait! You can’t quit! If you quit, who will lay the blame on me for setting Dr. Zoidberg’s medical records on fire with your cigars? Who will help me gain confidence in myself needed to help you rob a liquor store? Who, I ask you? WHO?”
Bender shook his head and turned away. “I’m sorry, Fry. But I just can’t stomach human affection any longer.”
Leela moaned, rolling her eye. “You don’t even have a stomach.”
“Oh, gee thanks! Now I feel like a complete outcast! I don’t belong here…good bye, Planet Express!” With that, Bender walked out the door.
“No! Bender, wait!” Fry called, but to no avail. Exasperated, he turned to Leela. “Leela, how could you be so heartless? Poor Bender…don’t worry buddy, I’ll fix everything!”
“Oh, no…you’re going to do something stupid and mindless, aren’t you?” Leela asked, knowing the answer was a resounding yes.
“You bet your giant eye I am! As everyone in this room as my witness, I’m gonna bring Bender back the only way I know how…”
Leela shrugged. “Lure him with beer?”
“No! I’m gonna make a movement to ban all human public displays of affection in all of New New York!” He stopped and looked at Dr. Zoidberg’s office door.“But, first things first…” After about 20 minutes, Fry exited Zoidberg’s office. “Thanks for reattaching it, Dr. Zoidberg!”
“No problem, Fry. But please, don’t meddle with it for a while!” Zoidberg advised.
“No promises.”
“I’m watching my exercise video, you jerk!” Amy snapped, pressing her abs against the screen. A large ray scanned across her stomach, making it tight and well sculpted. Pleased, she backed up and posed in front of the mirror. “Ah, that’s better! Well worth the risk of stomach cancer!”
“Damn humans…” Bender muttered as he left that room and entered Hermes’ office.
Inside, Hermes and his wife exchanged a kiss on the cheek.
“Dank you fo bringin’ my Manwhich, Labarbera! You saved me da liberty of filling out my forgotten lunch forms!”
“No problem, huzband! You know I love ya!”
“Ugh, for lord’s sake, get a private room, you two!” Bender snapped, interrupting the romantic moment.
“We’re in my private office, you simple-minded Cyborg!” Hermes growled.
“Well, then get a lock on your door!”
“It WAS locked!”
“Well, then get one I CAN’T pick with my Swiss army knife! Not everyone wants to watch you two slobber each other down!” That said, Bender left in a huff. He stopped and observed Fry handing Leela a piece of paper.
“The professor axed me to give you this. It’s a list of the creams and ointments you need to get for him.”
Leela shuddered, but nodded in understanding. “Gross…well, thanks Fry.” She placed her hand on his shoulder.
Bender finally exploded in a rage. “DAMMIT ALL! IS THERE NO ROOM I CAN ENTER WITHOUT SEEING YOU DISGUSTING HUMANS PERFORMING YOUR VILE MATING RITUALS!?”
Fry and Leela turned, confused by Bender’s sudden eruption. “Huh?”
“THAT’S IT! I’VE HAD IT UP TO MY ANTENNEA WITH YOU MEATBAGS AND YOUR CONSTANT SEXUAL ADVANCES ON EACH OTHER! I QUIT!”
Fry and Leela gasped in surprise. Fry decided to try and convince his robotic friend to stay put. “Bender, no wait! You can’t quit! If you quit, who will lay the blame on me for setting Dr. Zoidberg’s medical records on fire with your cigars? Who will help me gain confidence in myself needed to help you rob a liquor store? Who, I ask you? WHO?”
Bender shook his head and turned away. “I’m sorry, Fry. But I just can’t stomach human affection any longer.”
Leela moaned, rolling her eye. “You don’t even have a stomach.”
“Oh, gee thanks! Now I feel like a complete outcast! I don’t belong here…good bye, Planet Express!” With that, Bender walked out the door.
“No! Bender, wait!” Fry called, but to no avail. Exasperated, he turned to Leela. “Leela, how could you be so heartless? Poor Bender…don’t worry buddy, I’ll fix everything!”
“Oh, no…you’re going to do something stupid and mindless, aren’t you?” Leela asked, knowing the answer was a resounding yes.
“You bet your giant eye I am! As everyone in this room as my witness, I’m gonna bring Bender back the only way I know how…”
Leela shrugged. “Lure him with beer?”
“No! I’m gonna make a movement to ban all human public displays of affection in all of New New York!” He stopped and looked at Dr. Zoidberg’s office door.“But, first things first…” After about 20 minutes, Fry exited Zoidberg’s office. “Thanks for reattaching it, Dr. Zoidberg!”
“No problem, Fry. But please, don’t meddle with it for a while!” Zoidberg advised.
“No promises.”