Gambler

  #########Part 1 : « So, stay. »   Gods, his jaw was hurting.   Then, memory cut through the fog in his mind.   He couldn’t believe it: Hakkai had hit him… It was the first time he had seen such an uncontrolled reaction from his friend. In fact, he didn’t know what was the more surprising between Hakkai raising his hand against him or the reason why he could possibly have done that… He would have to ask him about it.   He had said something, obviously. Sha Gojyo. Always the one unable to keep his mouth shut… Kuso… He must have hurt Hakkai pretty badly for him to react such a way… If only he could remember clearly… And hangover wasn’t the best of state to reckon what happened last night, sure.   Anyway, where was Hakkai?   oOoOoOo   Gojyo raised upon his elbows. He was lying on his bed. He frowned slightly. He couldn’t remember at all how he had reached it. In fact, the hangover letting his head throbbing with pain was far more painful than Hakkai’s blow…   He stood up eventually and made a beeline towards the kitchen. No Hakkai. Bathroom? He found a lot of ice-cold water to clear his head a little. But still no Hakkai. The green-eyed youkai was used to wake up earlier than him. Maybe he was already out, that’s all.   Gojyo was still standing in the main room, half-dressed. The towel he had used on his face still in his hand and dripping on the floor, he was looking around him. There was something odd in the house, today. Something looked… different. Amiss. He couldn’t put a finger on it. And he remained here standing like an idiot a few minutes. Until realization dawned on him like a cold shower. Hakkai wasn’t only out. Hakkai was gone.   And the hanyou’s mind went blank a few minutes more.   Kuso. Kusokusokusokusokusokusokusokuso…   And with a maniac attention (and maybe a hint of a slight taste for self-inflicted pain) he listed down inwardly all the little things being wrong or missing in the whole little house. All these little details which had claimed only yesterday that another being was living here with him.   He watched around him, his eyes wandering on the shelves. Books. A few books were supposed to be there. How Hakkai got them? He almost smiled. As soon as the green-eyed youkai had been able to reach the city, he had been very popular. Always helpful, ready to give a hand for everything. Sometimes he had been paid. Never much money. Sure, Hakkai wouldn’t have accepted any fee otherwise. So people were used to give him stuffs. Just like that. Most of them landing in the house of the card shark of the town (the one most of the people looked at with obvious contempt, how ironic!). And Hakkai enjoyed books. It had been quickly well known among the villagers.   Never read. Himself. These books. Well, Hakkai had. Not him. Only titles once. Think, he said inwardly while frowning slightly… One of them was… The Art of War. He shrugged alone in the room. It wasn’t as if one of them had been some military man like, let’s see, a general or a marshal. But Hakkai used to say he was interested (or could find an interest) in anything. In fact, Gojyo didn’t miss the books. Well, yhea, maybe a little: in their own way (outstanding in the room’s style) these books were nice on the shelf. Put there, they helped his few mangas remaining straight on the wooden plank. Now, they were all laying on the side, a little bit like run-aground fishes, even if Hakkai had been careful not to mess up anything in the house by leaving… Everything was still so… clean.  It was even more obvious Hakkai had lived here once. But this time seemed over. The books were gone. Oddly, he hopped they wouldn’t be too heavy for their owner. Then, he remembered Hakkai was a full youkai and the weight of the paper was nothing to him.   This living room made him feel depressed.   Bedroom now. He needed a shirt. So he opened the closet. Gods. First thought: this guy can’t take care of Himself. And he wasn’t referring at his own self. Hakkai was going to freeze outside. The first times, they had shared clothes. The day Hakkai came to live with him, all that he owned was on his back. Gojyo had lent him shirts, denims… After a time and a few pieces of clothes brought later, some of them were still used by the two roommates. Property didn’t really mattered between the two of them. Now it mattered, apparently. Hakkai had only taken his very own clothes. Nothing more. All of these shared clothes were still here. Hakkai had almost brought nothing with him. Nothing which could remember him of me, strangely interpreted Gojyo. The half-breed grabbed a shirt, pulling it out violently from the hanger. It remained useless in his hand as he forgot to put it on.   This closet made him feel depressed, too.   He went to the kitchen. And the last blow was waiting for him. He hadn’t seen the first time he had had a brief look at it. The coffee pot still warm of fresh-made and strong coffee and a glass beside on the table with some pill for his hangover and the little vial of balm for his jaw. How attentionate, he thought bitterly. He picked a mug, filled it with coffee and brought it to the table.   No big matter, really! A few stuffs packed, that’s all. He had left, so? Yes, he had indeed. The more Gojyo looked, the more he could find details showing the departure of the missing youkai. It was as if Hakkai had intended to erase any clue he ever lived here. And as if the hanyou had just woken up from a bad dream to realize that reality was worse, he understood one thing more: with Hakkai gone, home wasn’t home anymore. How the the hell the youkai had grown so important in his little life?   He should have known better, though. People he began thinking they might care about him had always left. It was the way things happened in his life. His Brother. Now Hakkai. He shouldn’t be surprised. What had he been thinking? Why would have the green-eyed youkai been even willing to stay here?   But hope was still here. Even if he didn’t want to think of it not to be disappointed later. He looked at the coffee again. He poured himself a mug a second time. Hakkai had prepared coffee for him. It was a ridiculous thing. But it showed he cared maybe a little. Yhea, like the day your brother killed your stepmother before leaving anyway: the same kind of ridiculous deed, nee? said a part of his mind he didn’t want to listen to. However, if only he could remember what happened last night!   And he may come back, doesn’t he? It was possible : he had done that twice already… Running away…   Wonderful, he thought, I’m sounding completely pitiful…   But thinking of the past, it was spending a little time more before making a decision…   What was he going to do now?   oOoOoOo   It wasn’t the first time Hakkai had left, that’s true. The first time, Gojyo thought he would never come back. Death is supposed to be quite definitive after all. There was no hope so it hurt, but it wasn’t like today. Gonou was gone, dead, as had said the monk. He had felt the dull pain in his chest. He resumed his life, feeling something was missing but not acknowledging the fact.   And Hakkai had found him again. He had come back to stay.   The second one, he had come back again, even if Gojyo, like yesterday obviously, had said something wrong:   « You never told me why she chose to commit suicide. »   The question had slipped from his lips, one night. They had just been sitting in a comfortable silence, sharing an hot drink and a quiet card game, and… he had talked. In fact, it had never occurred to him to ask before. He hadn’t even thought about it before talking. He realized what he had said only as he saw Hakkai’s hand, holding a tea mug, frozen in the mid-air between the table and his lips. He looked clearly shocked.   She. Kannan.   « I’m sorry, I haven’t thought before talking…and… », had added hastily Gojyo, breaking eye-contact. He was clearly trying to make forget what he had just said. Heard the sound of the mug put back on the kitchen table. When he answered, Hakkai sounded still calm and collected.   « It’s true. I never said anything to you about that. »   Of course, it was already something, knowing his friend had killed a lot of people (No, Gonou had . It was rather hard –and rather disturbing- to picture Hakkai « killing » anybody in cold blood, now…): he was angry because youkai had abducted his « wife », he was mad against the people who hadn’t done anything to help her, and was desperate because he hadn’t « felt » anything before coming back.   It’s what Hakkai said once. And that what he had done was unforgivable. Gojyo hadn’t answered anything, then. Maybe the former teacher was right. But the taboo-child had thought that time that unforgivable and understandable were not so opposite sometimes. He knew too, Hakkai had failed saving her in the end, in spite of everything. Then, the green-eyed youkai had been very quick when he had told him he had reached her, but Kannan had refused following him or living any longer. Gojyo had always thought this reaction had something uncanny, and that maybe he was missing something important. He knew that and he had spoken, though. Baaaka.   But this time, Hakkai had told him.   As he talked again, it was as if he was telling somebody’s else story. His face was unreadable. He wasn’t looking at his roommate. Or even at his red eyes or hair as he used to do sometimes while… remembering. He was gone. Back to his former self. Back before the cell. And then the scene was familiar. It could see it almost every night, how would he forget?   « She was here. I called her name and she said mine. I was going to take her home. I would have found a way to take her out of here. But she knew she wouldn’t come. She had already taken my weapon. I didn’t feel it. And then she explained me why she couldn’t follow me. She was pregnant with the child of… »   Hakkai’s voice had failed him. He tried once to end his sentence again. His lips formed the words but they didn’t get past his throat. This time he looked at Gojyo. Seeking the certitude his friend would not ask him to end the sentence.   Of course he wouldn’t. Gojyo could only nod and look sympathetically at him. The mug was in Hakkai’s hand again. Silence had come back in the little house. They could do as if nothing had happened. And Gojyo had to know one day or another.   Still staring at the space, Hakkai had heard the first drops of rain hit the roof. But tonight somebody else was thinking to same words he kept hearing those rainy days. It was comforting. Only a little bit, but comforting anyway, not being any more the only one to know about Kannan’s last minutes…   Gojyo hadn’t let show anything these few moments. His eyes had widened, but Hakkai was enthralled in his own thoughts. He wouldn’t have noticed.   Pregnant. With the child of a youkai. Child which was a monster, an abomination she couldn’t let live. A child like him. Kami-sama. This fact was enough to Gojyo to make him feel guilty for what happened. Because his own existence proved possible such things could happen, that mixed-blood taboo children were a reality. Beings so stained that the birth of a new one was unbearable for this woman locked in a cell. People like him, whose reputation had killed his friend’s lover. It was… sickening.   And suddenly, there was no more difference in his mind between him and the child.   She was ready to kill herself to kill me.   Not you, he tried to be rational. Not you.   And though, he felt the fear then. Because Hakkai was meant to discover what he was soon or later. But he couldn’t tell him… How would he find the strength to lay his eyes on the green-eyed youkai, after that ?   I can’t tell. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. But I can’t keep quiet about that either, right?   And silence grew longer.   If he says something, I tell him. If he doesn’t, I shut my mouth.   A bet. So typical of the way the gambler made these kind of choices…   Hakkai spoke.   « My tea is cold. I’m going to brew some water. Do you want a coffee? » He was already standing up to reach the kitchen board, pushing his chair.   « I am a taboo child, » answered Gojyo. He had never liked waiting for the blow to fall. The last time he had done that, his « mother » was dead and his brother gone. He would always keep his eyes wide open against fate, now.   His friend knew everything about him. About his past. Everything out of the essential. He knew about his father who had left, his stepmother hating him and who tried to kill him. How his brother had interfered with the death’s sentence.   When his friend had told him about his sister, he had suddenly realized Hakkai didn’t know the most important. The new born youkai ignored he was sharing a house with the same kind of abomination his sister thought was so horrible she had chosen to kill herself rather than let this child… live. He had told the monk while their walk in the forest following Cho Gonou, but Hakkai had never known…    « This is the meaning of the red eyes and hair… »   « What ? » asked Hakkai in a unsure way. The meaning of the sentence had just dawned on him. This time, the cup blew up on the floor. He froze, looking at the fragments near his feet. And then…   Gojyo’s mind went blank. He processed Hakkai had left the house running under the rain only a few minutes later. He stood up. Sat down again. Didn’t know what to do of his body, left alone with the silence and his own thoughts. He should feel better, now that everything was said, nee? But he didn’t.  

I’ve gambled…

  « I’ve lost… », he thought out loud, looking through the window. He took out a packet of cigarettes from his pocket, his numb fingers shaking slightly. Lighted a ciggie. Breathed out the smoke slowly, looking at the grey cloud hiding the window and the view outside. The pouring of the rain was ringing endlessly in his ears, numbing somehow, keeping him for a while from feeling anything. Petrifying his sense of loss… He remained in this frozen state a long time. He preferred looking at the tendrils and snakes of smoke dancing slowly for him. It was better than the weather outside. When his cigarette turned into a ash cylinder about to fall, it hadn’t touched his lips again.   And suddenly, he shivered. It couldn’t last like that any longer… This uncertainty. He just had to know. There was no place left for pride, right now. And he was growing really worried. Even if he had to beg, Hakkai had to come back. If not for staying forever, at least to escape from this fucking rain outside. But even trying to convince himself he was ready to let go of the green-eyed youkai after if it was his choice, he realized something. He wasn’t ready to let him go out of his life.   He grabbed his jacket on a chair and went to open the door. And stopped dead in his tracks before even a single step outside.   « I never really thought about the child, » said a well-known voice.   Hakkai was just in front of him. His hand had been about to grasp the handle when Gojyo had opened. Nothing else mattered now. His friend was back. Wet. Well, rather completely drenched. And certainly cold. Gojyo pushed him inside hastily, went in a frantic search for a towel. And words kept flowing meaninglessly from his mouth, talking of worry, needs (such as the said towel), bad weather, anything but what he had said previously. He wasn’t ready yet to hear what kind of decision Hakkai could have taken while outside.   The full youkai remained silent, knowing the hanyou wasn’t ready yet to listen anyway… So he preferred let him do as he pleased. Let himself being fussed over like some kind of doll. Gojyo was enthralled in his ferocious care. He managed to remove Hakkai’s wet shirt. Headband and monocle were already gone. Gojyo found a towel and was already drying all by himself his friend’s hair. The green-eyed man was sitting on the bed, eyes closed. Palm flat on his scar. He was still strangely ashamed of it while bare chest, even in front of Gojyo who had seen it in a much more atrocious state (to put it mildly) however. And waiting for the right moment to talk.   oOoOoOo   A moment ago, as Gojyo told him everything, Hakkai couldn’t think clearly any more in the same room as the guy. That’s why he had left. And run, in case Gojyo would have had the thought to follow him. He had already one day, after all. For once, the thoughts running wildly in his head were loud enough to keep him from listening to the damn rain. As he stopped running, he chose a relative shelter under a tall centuries old tree. Sat. Waited to come to term with his feelings. His friend was a taboo child. Like the one in Kannan’s belly.   It was true he had never thought of Kannan’s child after that day. This peculiar life didn’t matter then. Like the thousand others of youkai, and dozens of civilians before. Only his sister mattered. It was the first time he really took the child in consideration. Seeing Kannan kill herself had shown him the disgust she had felt about her pregnancy. No doubt. And even if he had kept her from dying. Saved her. Brought her home. If they had kept the child... What would have happened? How would he have raised him (or she, he had realized: it might have been a girl, and it let him thoughtful… Because now, this child had always Gojyo’s features in his mind…)? Would he have hated him, like Gojyo had been hated? Would have the child’s existence (even being Kannan’s) driven him into madness to the point he would have been able to kill him? And the thought chilled him. As Gojyo talked to him about his family, it had been as if he was able to see the scene. So easy to imagine the chibi Gojyo. So easy to be afraid for him. To hurt with him. And now realizing himself would have been able to be the batterer… That thought hurt.   And how would he have known about Gojyo’s ascendance ? But now…Taboo child, Hakkai had mused again inwardly. It explained a lot. Blanks in Gojyo’s history, which he had noticed before but chose not to push as an issue. Aspects of his friend’s behaviour. The sadness sometimes made flush when he let his guard down and thought Hakkai couldn’t see. The way he wanted to be persuaded he didn’t care much about anything (and love especially)…Fear of hurting under the mask of the charming card shark. At some point, the full youkai had stopped thinking, and just remained under his tree while the rain was slowly freezing him outside like he was already inside. After a while he stood up and walked back home.             &n bsp; Of course, Gojyo would never know what ran in Hakkai’s mind this night. Why he had come back once again. It wasn’t a kind of apology to the unborn child he’d never know. It wasn’t the fact Gojyo deserved better from people than he had already got (even if it was true). It wasn’t because his hair’s and eyes’ colour was a powerful reminder he needed badly to keep sane. He knew everything now. He understood things better than before. It had been hard but he had realized it didn’t matter, though. The only answer was that Gojyo’s was were he wanted to be. That’s all. And Hakkai waited to tell him that.   oOoOoOo         &nbs p;     But Gojyo thought he didn’t want to hear, didn’t want to know. So he tried not to let the other the timeliness to talk. He went on with his meaningless speech (« You’ve been right to come back: it’s turning into a real storm outside! »…). Once done making sure his roommate was all right, he had retreated quickly towards his own side of the room, took off  his shirt and layed down on his bed without crawling under the sheets. It is late, he said, I switch off the lamp. Now sleep.   The moonlight with the stormy clouds, even through curtainless windows, didn’t provide enough light for Hakkai to make out his silhouette on the other bed. But from his sitting position at the other end of the room on his own bed, with months of habit, he could quite guess Gojyo’s lanky form, on his back, his arms tucked under his head. He was sure he was looking at the ceiling. The former human was loath to make Gojyo listen against his will, but he was much more stubborn than he let show. So he joined him. Lithe and silent shadow in the dark. And for one second, striking silhouette on the gloomy light coming from the window. Sat. The hanyou felt the weight on the mattress but refused to look at him or to acknowledge this presence. It wouldn’t be easy.   Don’t look at me now that you know what I am. I don’t want to see in your eyes what I see in all of theirs. Don’t hurt me.   Gojyo’s eyes widened as Hakkai changed position. He moved very slowly, as if the hanyou was a startled animal he didn’t want to frighten. One hand palm flat on the sheets, one side of his friend’s face, the other one on the other side. The former human above him leaned forward. In the end, Hakkai was half sprawled on him, emerald eyes only a few inches from garnet ones. Trapping him under his own body to force him to listen.   Very un-hakkaish. Hakkai never touched anybody. It had surprised Gojyo, the more he had learned to know him the last few months. He was very liked by the people around them, and it amazed Gojyo to no end, this way Hakkai had to attract them without meaning it. The namaguza bouzuwas the perfect example. The saruwas kinda nice and funny, and the weird little gaki liked to visit them. The monk had no choice but following. And Hakkai made him talk. A few words the first times. Real conversations a little time later. And Blondie was lesser and lesser complaining any time he crashed here.   But Hakkai kept his distances. Never a handshake. Never a touch. Sometimes a polite bow, nothing more. Most of the people didn’t realize. Because of the smiles. Because of soft spoken words. Hakkai had his way with words. But tonight they weren’t enough, the former teacher had felt.   « Gojyo. Don’t you ever dare think such a thing would ever make me despise you. »   And now the message was clear.   « So, stay, » answered simply the hanyou. Relief was too much to add anything more and made his voice sound hoarse. For once, it wasn’t because of tobacco’s smoke.   « Hai, » came the soft whisper.   And Hakkai stayed. In the little house.   And that night, even in the same bed as his roommate. The hanyou had brought him in a tight embrace on the top of him and the green-eyed youkaididn’t protest. Gojyo didn’t mind the close contact of the raw skin of the scar against his own stomach. It made Hakkai’s presence even more « real » to him. He liked having one hand on his friend’s nape, fingers buried in the soft chocolate hair where still lingered the smell of the rain. He liked his other hand on Hakkai’s back, on the warm skin. He liked Hakkai’s breath against his neck. He liked…   Too bad, the gambler was already aspleep… Strange how strong emotions could worn him out better than any other thing (sex included). This time he would have found love (he pretended not to be seeking) in the green eyes. Maybe not quite conscious-of-itself love, but love nonetheless. Pledge. Something strong, warm, and powerful, indeed. Somehow, Gojyo never realized it was the night where everything had changed for Hakkai, when their respective roles had been reversed. Since the first night, Gojyo had strangely always meant to be the one protecting the green-eyed youkai. But that night, Hakkai really began the one systematically taking care, worrying about Gojyo… And that was new to him, looking at things out of his own pains and grieves and sorrows, out of his self-centric dark world in which he had been still living for a few months, even under a new name.   That night, he truly became Cho Hakkai.   oOoOoOo   But Gojyo came back to his present. To his hurting jaw and his hangover. To the fact Hakkai was still missing. His legs gave up under him. He found himself seated on the bed. He needed a little time to decide what to do.