Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ In the Arms of the Angel ❯ Intangibility ( Chapter 25 )

Part XXV

Duo stared at the shelves. He was in the grocery store getting the weekly shopping done. He had returned home from the rehabilitation center a week ago. He had done well at rehab and so far he had done well at home. He was proud of the progress he was making; though it was hard. He had to swallow his craving every day, but he was not giving into the cravings. He was proud, Heero was proud, even Trowa, who had been kept updated, was proud. However, there was one small problem…

He couldn't sleep. He had never had insomnia so bad in his life. He could hardly function, he was so tired. And nothing helped--he had tried everything he could think of. Sex, showers (with and without sex), hot milk and butter, sleepy-time tea, exercising, eating turkey for dinner (something which had knocked Heero out an hour after dinner) and even meditation. He had tried coca and Irish Cream, he had tried watching boring movies, he had tried reading, he had tried natural herbs and melatonin. Hell, he had even stooped to watching infomercials to help him get to sleep.

Nothing worked.

The colorful boxes on the shelves beckoned to him, promising that they would help him sleep. He picked one up.

Was this okay? He was resorting back to medicating himself. But this time, he was using a pill that was: one, legal; and two, to help him sleep. This wouldn't give him a high; he wouldn't get addicted, so it couldn't be wrong.

Could it?

It wasn't wrong, he assured himself, shifting out of the way as a lady reached for a box of her own. See, he told himself, others do it.

But why did it feel wrong?

He hadn't slept in over a week. Sure, he did sleep some, but it certainly wasn't enough. Maybe a couple of hours a night--just enough to keep him alive.

He picked up a purple box. He placed it in his cart. Just so I can sleep, he told himself, just on those nights when I cannot sleep.

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He watched as Quatre paced the living room; hands clasped behind his back, muttering to himself. Quatre had gone to bed, rising after an hour or two so he could wear a trail in his carpet. It was a ritual that had gone on for almost two weeks. He would wake up as Quatre got out of bed, and he would follow him, staying in the shadows and watch as Quatre paced. Back and forth, back and forth, over and over again, always muttering. If it wasn't for the fact that he was with Quatre every day, and he could occasionally hear what he was muttering at night, Trowa would have long ago fallen victim to the idea that Quatre was insane.

But he could hear the internal battle raging in Quatre's head.

The bitter conflict was slowly destroying Quatre. He was torn between two different stances. Trowa knew that Quatre's war was due to Duo's actions. Part of Quatre wanted to forgive Duo and move on. The other wanted to disown Duo from his life, never to know Duo as a friend, only an enemy, someone to keep a vigilant watch upon.

This duality served to cause a rift within Quatre's soul--a rift that could never be healed.

And as long as that rift remained, Quatre would never be happy, never be calm, never move on. Quatre would remain frozen in time; a moving snapshot that mimicked life, but never truly lived it.

Trowa sighed, running his fingers through his hair. He didn't know how to help Quatre, so he just watched and waited. But he felt as though he had waited long enough. He knew he had to do something, but what the hell was he supposed to do?

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"Duo, please, you don't need those."

"Yes I do, Heero. I can't sleep." Duo's voice was a whine. Heero knew that Duo was telling the truth. He had been kept awake more nights than he cared to remember by Duo's tossing and turning. The rehab center had told him that insomnia was a natural withdrawal process, and to expect it. Heero gently took the box of sleep aids out of Duo's hands.

"Duo, if it's really that bad then we'll take you to the doctor's office tomorrow and figure something out. These are not what you need." Heero spoke slowly, accentuating every syllable. He was being patient to a fault, because he was literally at the end of a very frayed rope. Duo was trying his patience. They had gone rounds over this for several days--ever since Duo had brought the medicine home.

"But…but…" Duo burst into tears, sobbing hysterically. "I just want to sleep. Please, let me sleep." Heero ran his hands through his hair with frustration. He wanted to tear that hair out. But he tempered himself, tentatively holding onto the fading understanding that Duo's body relied on the drugs he had injected into his blood.

"Duo." He tried to relax his jaw so his words didn't sound so forced, but his jaw was locked tight. His vision was starting to waver, a sure sigh that his anger was boiling uncomfortably close to the surface. He didn't know how much longer he could handle this. Duo threw himself at Heero's legs, kneeling at his feet, praying for a miracle.

"Please! Let me sleep! Just this one last night! Please! I'm going insane, Heero!" Duo cried through his tears, his breathing hitched and painful even to Heero's eyes. Heero gazed down at Duo bowed before him as though he was a god. But he wasn't a god. He was only human. A human with human feelings and fears. A human with human patience and understanding. Patience and understanding that had finally run out.

Heero's desperate grasp on his frayed rope slipped. Heero fell.

"Jesus Christ!" Heero exploded. "Look at you! You're begging me for a Goddamned over-the-counter pill of fucking Benadryl!" Heero shook the box at Duo. "This is a fucking allergy medicine! Its not supposed to function as your fucking sleep aid!" Duo cowered, his sobs increasing in their intensity.

"I'm sorry, Heero! Please believe me that I am so fucking sorry! I don't know how to be more sorry!" Duo buried his face in his hands, shoulders shaking. His next words were muffled, but still understandable. "I fucked up so bad, and I wish I could take it back."

"Then don't beg for these." Heero tossed the box behind him. Duo peered up at him through wet fingers.

"I don't know what else to do. I can't sleep, Heero. I can't. I'm not making this up." Heero's anger started to drain from him, leaving him feeling empty.

"I know it's the truth, but you need to fight this. We can get a doctor to check you out tomorrow."

"I'm weak, Heero. God, I wish I wasn't, but I am." Duo whispered.

"You need to be strong, Duo. You can fight this." He had not meant to be harsh, but the words had a life of their own. They were the wrong words to use, but real life did not have the luxury of editing. Duo blew up.

"Jesus Fucking Christ, Heero." He spat, anger coloring his voice and twisting his face. "Do you know how hard this is? Do you know what I'm really going through?" Duo stood up, leaning toward Heero threateningly. "I have to wake up every single fucking morning and convince myself that I don't need the Goddamned heroin. Every time I sit down at lunch, I have to convince myself that I don't need to shoot up. Every time I go to bed, or take a shower, or watch TV, or eat dinner, or go to work, or take a fucking breath, I have to convince myself that I do not need the fucking heroin!" Heero took a faltering step back away from Duo's shouts. No, they weren't shouts; they were screams. Duo Maxwell was screaming. Duo's face was purple with rage, his right temple pulsing in anger.

Heero reached up and wiped spittle from his cheek. His previous anger had fled him leaving nothing to fill up the hollow. He opened his mouth to reply, but at first, nothing came out. He had been paralyzed by Duo's outburst. He felt as though he had been slapped and sucker punched with a follow through kick to his balls.

"I'm sorry." He croaked, voice refusing to work properly. "I am so sorry, Duo."

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Quatre stalked out of the spaceport with a purpose. He had a bone to pick with Duo, and he wasn't going to wait any longer. There were only so many times he could work out various situations out in his head before he went insane. Duo had tried to kill him, whether it had been intentional or not, Duo had almost killed him. Shame on Duo for not being responsible enough to maintain a modem of decorum when on his fucking drugs. Shame on him for doing those drugs in the first place.

Quatre abruptly stopped. The automatic sliding doors moving back and forth jerkily as he stood in the doorway. He was being a hypocrite. Pure and simple, he was being a hypocrite. He was acting just like all of those people who had sent him whimpering to the drugs in the first place.

He stepped forward slowly like an old man without his walker. He shuffled toward the curb staring at his feet. Who was he to judge? It wasn't as though he was sin free himself. He could not cast the first stone, but wasn't that exactly what he was doing? He stopped at the curb.

He couldn't be so harsh with Duo. But he had to be! Duo had hurt him, so he had to hurt Duo back. But Duo was his friend. But friends don't hurt each other. But friends do hurt each other all the time. But they aren't supposed to. But they do. But… But… But…

His mind went round and round trying to rationalize his actions. What he really needed to do was confront Duo. See if Duo was trying to get better. If he was, then forgive him, if not, then walk away and never look back. It was that simple. He didn't need to cast judgement when he was no better. He just needed to find out what Duo's choice was and make the decision as to whether or not to keep Duo in his life.

When food went bad in the fridge, you didn't keep it; you threw it away. When someone wasn't a good person you stayed away from them. Well, it was the same here. He was not about to keep someone close to him who would hurt him again.

He would let Duo make his choice.

He didn't remember getting into a cab or giving the driver directions to Duo's house. He was jerked back to reality as the cab stopped in front of Duo's house. He quickly counted out some money and got out of the car. He spun around and leaned in the open window.

"Could you please wait?" The driver nodded and put the cab into park. Quatre turned back around and faced the house. He was no longer sure if this was really the right thing to do and he almost crawled back into the safety of the cab.

Placing one foot shakily in front of the other, he hesitantly made his way up to the front door. The door was slightly open. He could hear voices.

"Duo, you promised!" That was Heero. He was shouting. So was Duo.

"I fucking promised myself." Quatre pushed the door open and stepped inside.

"Then you're willing to break your promises?" Heero was incredulous. Quatre walked into the living room where Heero and Duo were fighting. Duo's face was red and blotchy, streaked from tears. Heero had his back to Quatre, but by Heero's posture, Quatre was fairly certain that Heero had been crying too.

"Right now, Heero," Duo's voice was terribly soft, "I would break every promise just so I could fucking sleep."

"But, the doctor…"

"The doctor won't help me tonight!"

"You're doing drugs again?" Quatre spoke his voice wavering. He had been told that Duo had willingly gone through therapy to get over his addiction, but now it sounded as though he was diving headfirst back into his habit. Both Duo and Heero looked at him, shock written on their faces. Duo shook his head.

"No. But I can't sleep."

"Can't sleep?" Quatre's voice took on a note of hysteria. He had talked himself into forgiving Duo, but now he could see that Duo wasn't even trying to help himself. "Can't fucking sleep? I haven't slept, and yet you don't see me running back to my dealer!"

"I didn't…its not…its over-the…"

"I don't care! You broke your promise!" Quatre shouted, anger flooding his mind once more. He stalked toward Duo, fists clenched at his sides. He gritted his teeth.

He didn't know anything any more. He zoned out in a way; nothing mattered except Duo's second betrayal. The rational portion of his mind clamored at him, telling him that he didn't know the whole story. The rest of his mind raged at Duo's betrayals. He had hurt him, then he had lied. He dimly felt Heero grab at his arm as he brushed past him. He shook the restraining hand off. The only thing that mattered now was an eye for an eye. He halted in front of Duo, staring angrily into Duo's eyes.

"I thought that you wanted to get better." Quatre ground out between his gritted teeth.

"I do, but…"

"But there is a but." Quatre didn't think--he was past thinking. He was only action, now. He swung out with his fist catching Duo in the jaw. Duo sprawled backward, tripping over the couch and tumbling over it. Heero's arms wrapped around him and he flailed in the embrace. "He betrayed me! How could he do that?"

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Quatre was sitting on the curb. Heero had sent the cab away. Quatre had said that he couldn't be inside, and he had gone out to sit alone on the curb in the splatter of light from the street lamp. Quatre's arms were wrapped around his knees. Duo held some ice to his jaw, all thoughts of the sleep aids gone for the moment. He watched Heero as he stared out the window at Quatre sitting alone in the night. Thunder rolled in the distance.

"Heero?" He asked quietly. Heero turned to him. "Can we go to the doctor tomorrow?" He felt small, fragile, like he was worth nothing. Heero's lips spread into a sad smile.

"Of course." Duo felt a little better, but not by much.

"Is Quatre still out there?" Heero nodded. "He hates me." Heero walked across the room, settling on a barstool beside Duo.

"No. I don't think so. I think he's upset, confused and hurt." Duo nodded guiltily, knowing that he had been the cause of those emotions. "Give him time and he'll come around." Duo placed the ice on the counter and stood up.

"I don't think giving him time is what he needs. Perhaps there is such a thing as too much time." Heero placed an arm on his shoulder.

"Duo…" Duo shook his head, gaining confidence.

"I think he needed to hit me. Hell, if I had been in his place, I would've needed to hit me too." Duo dropped a kiss on Heero's forehead before moving toward the front door. "I need to talk to him now." He stopped a few feet from the kitchen. "Alone." He felt good with his abrupt decision and made his way outside to where Quatre was huddled on the curb in a circle of light.

Duo walked out with his hands stuffed in his pockets. He stopped a short way from Quatre.

"Hey." Quatre looked up. His expression didn't change. His face was serene and blank like he was trying hard to keep his feelings bottled up.

"Hey." Quatre echoed.

"Mind if I sit?" Quatre shrugged.

"Is your lawn." Duo dropped down beside Quatre. He wrapped his arms around his knees, copying Quatre's pose.

"I'm sorry." Quatre remained silent. Duo collected his thoughts. "I could give you a bunch of excuses, but they would be as meaningless to you as they are to me. So, I won't insult you with them."

"Thank you." Duo shrugged one shoulder.

"I wish I could take that night back. I wish it with every fiber of my being, but I cannot." Duo paused; he gazed up at the cloudy sky. The city lights illuminated the night and rain-heavy clouds. "I haven't had one night's sleep since before I made it up to your place. I'm a little desperate."

Quatre said nothing.

"I'm also stubborn. I want to be able to prove to Heero…and to myself, that I can kick the habit by myself. I can't. I need help." Quatre looked at him for the first time since he sat down. "Perhaps if I could sleep, things would be different, but I can't ask my body to react a different way." Duo grinned halfheartedly. "I know, I've tried. But, I really do want to stop. I really do want to get better. And I guess I really do need to ask for help."

"I know what you are going through. I've been there myself."

"Yeah. I know."

"What are you going to do?" Duo sighed.

"Heero and I are going to go to the doctor's office tomorrow to see what we can do about my insomnia." There was a thick silence. "I didn't go back to heroin. I want you to understand that. Heero and I were arguing over over-the-counter sleep aids." Quatre nodded.

"I was too angry to listen further. I knew that I didn't know enough to come down that hard on you, but I was too angry." Scattered ran drops began to fall from the thick clouds.

"Yeah." Quatre rested his head on Duo's shoulder. Duo slipped an arm around his shoulders.

"Is everything going to be okay, Duo?" The rain fell harder, forming great sheets in the night.

"I hope so. I really hope so."