Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ The Creed Arc ❯ The Door: Build ( Chapter 11 )

Title: The Door: Build

Author: Lethanon

Type: Multi-Part

Warnings: Angst, 1x2x5, Preventers, Psychological....just lots of angst.

Build.

There is a door. It has a lock. There is no key. If this is to be believed, this door shall remain locked, closed, hidden, shrouded by the mystery that is itself for all eternity. But belief has always been the foundation of all reality; the slate upon which we build ourselves, our companions, our homes, our lives. I cannot help but wonder, if I believe it, will I find it? Will I find a key? Will it fit the lock? Will it open that door? Or shall I, like everyone else, as I always have, be denied, shunned, pushed back, forgotten? I still search for an answer. I still long for the truth that hides behind the mask…

A mask in ruins, buried, denied, shunned. Forgotten. Like today will be tomorrow, and yesterday is today. Today is boring. Today is yesterday, and tomorrow. When will it change? When will it breathe again, this life? When will the door open?

It's a typical autumn day. Leaves are falling, golden brown in the soft orange sunlight that reflects through the glass panels of the car I'm working on. It's nothing spectacular, just an old mustang shell someone found and decided they wanted to rebuild then realised they didn't have the time and hired the first person they could find. It's a decent model, long, sleek, body in decent condition though suffering from rust. Nothing an overhaul and paintjob wouldn't fix. It's a good month's work, and it will pay well so I do it. That, and doing something keeps them happy. Them.

They're upstairs, in the Preventers building, working their butts off while I lounge around in the basement. In the garage. Hidden away…but not forgotten! I'm not. They care about me…love me…they check on me every few hours to make sure I'm not doing something wrong. I wonder if they trust me. I shouldn't think like that, but how do you stop? It's easy to say you will, but doing…doing is always harder. You shouldn't make promises you can't keep.

Heero and Wufei. Quatre and Trowa. We all ended up here, eventually. Only they passed the tests…I didn't even take them. If I took them, they would expect me to pass, but…you shouldn't make promises you can't keep. I won't make them sad. I won't give them a reason to think I'm weak…because maybe, just maybe, I am.

I won't fail. Not again. I promised.

The dingy little bell by the garage doors rings and they're all moving, each and every one of the mechanics walking away from their jobs to experience life for a short hour before they return to spend the rest of their day tucked away in a corner under a metal machine. I watch them go, hands caressing the cold steel under my fingers. Is this life? Is this what it means? Is this what I fought for all that time, what I longed for?

"Maxwell, lunch, or are you deaf?"

No, not deaf, just…tired. Worn thin from thinking, dreaming, living…I want a life, not a living. Not even bothering to glance at the boss, I let my feet take me where they will. I have an hour. I can go anywhere, do anything, be anyone, but only for an hour. What's an hour anyway? It only takes a second to die…a minute to watch your life flash before your eyes…sixty minutes…It's too long.

I follow a track that seems worn into the pavement, or perhaps just etched into memory. Whatever, it's familiar, like a ceiling you can walk upon this slender cement snake…they call it a pavement. I know all the cracks, I know every dent. I know which piece of this new ceiling is white, which beige, which so caked in dirt you can longer see what it was meant to be. It is my life, this new ceiling, and it's oh so familiar, the flaking, decaying mess. And people walk on it, without a second thought, every single day.

There is a hot dog vending machine a block away from Preventers. I buy a hot dog from the man. I don't even have to tell him what I want. He knows me, knows what I order every single day and assumes I want the same again. He takes my silver coins and smiles benignly as I walk away, down the pavement, around another corner, to the bin where this lunch joins all the others. I'm not hungry. I haven't been hungry in a long time. It's just the ritual, the need for familiarity, the need to know this is my life, that keeps me here, makes me buy it, toss it, forget it.

There is a homeless bum in the alley. I stop and toss a coin in. I don't hear it hit the ground. He's got a good eye, that bum, and his catch is getting better. Maybe one day he'll catch a ride out of hell. I wish him luck, but I doubt he'll make it.

There is a glint of light off something metal. I blink, shield my eyes from the unexpected light and stumble off the footpath. I hear a car horn and open my eyes only to find I have stumbled onto the road. A car swerves, barely misses me while the one behind it swerves the other way, trying to miss the car. I see it, mind realises its coming straight for me, but it doesn't engage. What's the point? I can't stop a car…

I vaguely register a sudden pain in my leg, across my gut, through one arm before I'm falling over the bonnet, sliding off the far side and rolling. It's a reflex, that roll. If you fall and there is a lot of noise, roll. Just one of those things. There's lots of yelling as I force my way to my feet. People are trying to grab me but I push them away.

"No, I'm fine. Really, it's alright." They don't seem to believe me, but I'm standing fine on my own and they can't see any blood and I can see that moment when they decide I'm right, that I'm fine and don't need their help. It's this look of pure relief, that they haven't seriously injured another human being. Haven't killed one. If only they knew. They might wish they had.

It's an easy thing to slip away from the scene of an accident, or a crime. Too easy. Shadows come at you from all directions, and all you have to do is pick one. It isn't until I'm completely swallowed by one of those shadows, a dark alley similar to where my bum lives, that I let it hit me. The pain, the rage, the desire to hit back. All the things that don't belong in this world, in this life. In peace.

It hurts. I roll up my shirt to see my arm slightly bent…broken…It's not a bad break, just a fracture really, but it hurts…I lift my shirt to find my stomach is already turning black but I don't think there's any damage done. Just bruising. My leg's the same, thankfully not broken. I think my ankle is twisted. It keeps twinging when I walk. All together not too bad. My hands are shaking, but it's not from shock. It's knowing the others will see me this afternoon, and that they'll worry and fuss and demand to know what happened. I don't want them to know, but it's not something you can hide. Not when you sleep in the same bed as two of them.

So I finish my walk. I follow the familiar path, my new ceiling, back to Preventers and instead of going to the garage, I go upstairs, past the offices to level four; the medical wing. It's a calm and patient person I don't think I know who tells the nurse that I need to see Sally Po as soon as possible and that I need someone to call the garage and tell them where I am. The girl at the desk calls my boss for me. He doesn't bother to speak to me, for which I'm glad. I just want to sit in the corner and do nothing. So I do.

The room is empty. Guess no missions have been botched today. Bet Une's pleased. Not that they get many botched missions any more with all those ex-mobile suit pilots hanging around. Heero, Wufei, Quatre, Trowa, Noin, Zechs, hell even Une herself! And most of the Preventers were the leftovers of Treize's old faction of OZ anyway. They have a veritable warehouse of perfect soldiers at their disposal. No wonder the peace was holding so well. Imagine what it would be like, if I were among them? Always getting in the way, making mistakes, not following orders. Mayhem. War…

"Duo?"

I sat up quickly, startled by the voice but realized when I realised it was Sally. She didn't sound like I remembered, and she sure didn't look the same. She sounded…happy. And she looked…well, cool! I put it down to Noin's influence. They've been together for a year now…guess it shows after all. Wish you could see Heero and Wufei in me, but I'm too much of a slob. Always have been, always will be. Not to mention klutz. Honestly, who stumbles into the middle of a road and causes a crash because you caught the light glinting off some fool's watch?

"Hey Sal!" I hop up, careful not to put too much pressure on my bad ankle and follow her rather confused looks all the way into her office. I don't know why she looks at me like that, like she can't figure out why I'm there. It's strange.

"Duo, what can I help you with?" Sill confused. It's okay Sal, I confuse me too.

"I was just in an accident. My ankle is twisted, my stomach's bruised and my arm is broken. Preventer policy is that I have to get you to check me over."

She gaped, a damn fish out of the water. It was the funniest thing I had seen in days and I laughed. Laughed so hard tears started to prickle in my eyes and when I finally realised laughing was actually killing my chest I only laughed harder to cover it up.

Then she was heading for the door, but reflexes kicked in and I grabbed her wrist, pulling her back from the desk with strength I didn't know I had.

"Where are you going?" I demanded and there was none of the warmth in my voice as I glared at her with eyes I knew could not be fun to look at. I was cold all over and the shock I had been fighting off was threatening to settle. I refused it. I knew what she was up to.

"I'm just going to call…"

"No."

"But they deserve…"

"NO!"

She fell back, startled by the vehemence in my voice, finally seeing that look in my eyes. I was scaring her, that much was obvious, and how could I not? Mad ex-gundam pilot Duo Maxwell stumbles into your office saying he's been in a car crash and refuses to allow you to inform his equally crazy ex-gumdam pilot lovers. Yeah, I would be a tad uneasy too.

"Just fix me up Sal."

She studied me for a moment, came to a decision and nodded once, moving off to the cupboard on her wall and pulling out whatever she felt was necessary. I couldn't argue. This was Sal; head of Preventers medical. Either she cleared you or you left. Simple as that.

She took care of my ankle first, strapping it so I could barely bend the damn thing. Next came the stomach which she hissed at like some deranged snake, podding and probing to be sure I was telling the truth when I told her it was just nasty bruising. Satisfied, she smeared it with something and bandaged it up just for the hell of it. Maybe she was worried I might have cracked a rib. Who knows, who cares. I don't. Then came the arm. She was still staring at the odd bend in it when I lost my patience.

"Oh, for fuck's sake Sal!" I reached out with my other hand, slammed the broken limb between my knees and slipped the bone back into place.

Stars. Lots of stars. When Sally came back into focus she was swearing like only my kind knew how, eyes blazing. I couldn't help it, I grinned at her. I had always wanted to do that, ever since I saw Heero set his leg. If you knew that, you would lock me up, right Sal? Thought so.

She didn't talk to me as she plastered the arm. It was just one of things I guess. When you're royally pissed at a friend you give them the silent treatment so that tomorrow you can still be friends. But what if you weren't? What if tomorrow was different and all your friends were a memory? What would you do? What would I do?

"What happened?" She finally asked, calm and seated behind her desk once more as she watched me test the plaster. Old habits die hard and I hate anything that hinders movement. This thing didn't hinder…much.

"Hit by a car."

"How?" I can tell you only just managing to restrain that temper of yours Sal. You need to hide it better than that. I live with Heero and Wufei, remember?

"Well, the car came down the road I was walking along, we didn't see each other, and wham. I thought that was how it always happens?" I raised a brow at her. I'm driving you mad, right Sal? Thought so. Just let me go back to work.

You're looking at me funny…What are you thinking? I wish I knew. I don't like this…I want to go back to work. I want to go back to working on that stupid old `stang and forget today ever happened. I want it to be tomorrow, and today yesterday. Can you give me that Sally? I don't think so. You can't fix me Sally. Maybe nothing can.

"I'm calling Yuy and Chang. You're suspended from work until next week. You are to stay home and rest. I will give you a prescription for some pain medication. When you get your head back on straight I'm sure you'll realise that getting hi by a car actually hurts."

No shit Sherlock. It hurts now! I'm just not some wimpy cry baby who needs someone to kiss it all better. Get over it. It was just a car. Happens to people every day. I should feel lucky, right? After all, I lived. I walked away with nothing more than a broken arm. Jump up and down for joy.

"I asked you not to call them."

"I am aware of that. But I do not feel you are capable of getting home on your own safely, and the names on your report for me to contact at times like this are theirs."

I have a report? Well shit! I wonder what the hell's on it. I watch her walk out the door, hear her talking to the secretary, using the phone…

Never leave a gundam pilot alone in your office after telling them you have something of theirs. Even if it is something they didn't know existed. I was out of that chair faster than you could say `Duo', hands in the files, eyes skimming for the name I would recognise anywhere, in any handwriting. And there it was. A thin little manila thing with my name scrawled across the side. I looked at each page for a moment, remembering it as a picture to be recreated later, when I had the time. The report was back in its place, file closed and I was back in the chair, staring out the window as if nothing had happened. Nothing happened, right Sal? Oh, stop looking at me like that, I'm not about to bite. Geesh.

She just sat back down in her chair and watched me. Is it interesting? Are you learning anything? Maybe they should make it an Olympic sport. Duo-watching. Bet they would just love that.

A door opened. Footsteps. My ears picked up on them, their breathing, the way they moved together, so terrifyingly familiar. The door to the office opened and they were suddenly there, looking at me. Everyone is fucking looking at me!

"What?" I demanded suddenly, leaping up out the chair so quickly both my `lovers' fell back in surprise. Takes talent to do that! I glared at them all, all three, demanding to know what was wrong with me. Did I look strange, did I look any different to anyone else? What was their damned problem!

Heero's arm snaked about my waist and pulled me back against his chest even as Wufei's hand reached behind my head and his fingers kneaded my neck, twisted around my braid and silently whispered calming words. All the fury fell away from me, but they were still looking at me and all I wanted to do was get away, get away from all of them.

"Thank you Sally," Wufei was saying, taking a piece of paper from her hands. My prescription I would be willing to bet. They are talking over my head, around me, as if I am a child, or worse am not even there! And there is not a damn thing I can do about it. Is there? I see the papers in my minds eye and begin to recreate the image, studying it as they talk, listening for my name in case they say it, but they don't. The words are forming and I read them.

Maxwell,Duo…pilot…gundam…Deathscythe…may hem…stealth…church…massacre…unstable…

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Unstable…What the hell? I recreated the next page, working faster, forcing the words into my mind, reading them off like wildfire, not even bothering with whole sentences, picking them out of the blank white sheets.

Unpredictable…Dangerous…abnormal…depressedR 30;surveillance…mechanic…

Mechanic. Right under their noses, where they could watch me. I growled, a sound low in the back of my throat that went unnoticed as I looked at each in turn. They only wanted what was best, but best for who? What was going on?

They were taking me from the room, ushering me from that office, away from that file. They had no idea. I turned back to look Sally in the eyes and made sure I had her undivided attention before shaking my head.

"You can't see."

"Excuse me?"

Both Heero and Wufei had stopped and were watching me, slight expressions of wariness plain on their faces. Sally just look affronted and a little dumbfounded. What's wrong Sal, afraid someone hit the nail on the head? You should be.

"You can't see," I repeated, turned on my heel and strode away from all of them. I heard them exchange whispered words, but I didn't bother to listen to them as I walked away. I had better things to think about.

They think I'm mad. I was right; I would never pass that damn test, because they would never let me. I would fail before I ever began and the very thought made me want to scream as I hadn't in years. Worse, it made me want to run, to hide….I wanted to tell a lie.

Don't make promises you can't keep. I promised them happiness, but was this it? Was this what they meant? I promised them everything they asked for, but they made a promise in return.

Acceptance.

I wasn't accepted. Nothing of the sort. I was trapped in the neat little box they had constructed for me to live in, and I…I…I hate it. We're walking out to the car and the pavement is under my feet. I know it, its so familiar, but I know why.

It's a familiar ceiling. I let them bundle me into the car and drive me home. I let them put me into bed and I take their pills knowing they won't make a difference. I let them leave me alone, thinking I'm asleep so they can go talk about me in the kitchen. And then I move.

The mirror watches me and I watch the mirror. I've never known that person, but this one…this one is just a dream, a figment of their imagination, and suddenly I don't like it. It's not me. I want me back. I want…everything.

"I warned you…I'm Shinigami."

I sat on the bed, watching the mirror the whole time and did something I had not done in a long time. I reached out, to that part deep within myself that I had ignored for years now. That part which had broken and the doctors had hidden away. I reached out to the door, but it's locked and would not open. But I would not give in and at the moment when I decided to continue the floor gave way and I fell…

It's quiet; I'm at home. It's dark; in my room. Empty; I'm back and this is me. I believe I am back and in believing it becomes reality. To me. In the darkness where no one could reach me, I huddled on my foundations.

It was time to build.