Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ The 'From Hell' Arc ❯ Up to Heaven ( Chapter 2 )

Up to Heaven

By

DRL

 

 

I suppose it was too good to be true. The perfect jacket and the perfect man? Come on now, this is Duo Maxwell we are talking about, misfortune on two legs. Now don't get me wrong, I am not wallowing in self-pity, or anything like that, it is just mere fact. Good things don't happen to Duo Maxwell, and if they do, they don't happen for very long. Seeing Heero in that jacket in the library that day and the events that followed, at first horribly distressing and then quite wonderful, was definitely the best thing that had ever happened to me in all of my 20 years of life, but as I said, good things never happen for very long, and almost nine months later it was all about to come tumbling down around my ears.

 

After our first date Heero and I spent the night together. I guess it was quite slutty of me really, but it seemed the most natural thing in the world to do, even though we had only met each other for the first time earlier that evening. I say `date' but that was not really how it started out (carry on Maxwell, make yourself seem even more a man of easy virtue), but it quickly assumed the guise of a date. It was like that with me and Heero right from the start, perfectly natural. We spent the night together in his apartment (a night of the best sex I had ever had incidentally), and the next morning I woke before he did. It was then that I discovered that he had been the author of one of the worst experiences of my life. To this day I have never so much as hinted to him that I know that it was him who stole my bag. There seemed no reason to, and I figured that the end definitely justified the means. After all, it brought us together, and anything that could do that couldn't be all bad.

 

After brewing a pot of coffee (and making my startling discovery), I wandered back to the bedroom and slipped back into bed beside him. I sat up, hugging my knees and sipping my coffee as I waited for him to awaken, which he did a few minutes later. Feeling him stir, I glance down to where he lay beside me. He was looking up at me with eyes wide open, as though he hadn't been fast asleep just seconds ago, and I will never forget the expression on his face. As I said, his eyes were wide open and he was smiling, and his whole demeanour seemed to say `you're still here, I'm so glad'. He just seemed so pleased to see me that it made my heart swell. I dunno, perhaps he thought I'd have slipped away during the night having considered him just a one-night stand, but I can tell you now, wild horses couldn't have dragged me away from that apartment. He hauled himself up so that he was sitting up beside me, leaned over and kissed me. Just as I had when he had kissed me for the first time the previous night, I almost lost my mind. I definitely would have lost my coffee, and it was only his quick action in taking the cup from my nerveless fingers that averted disaster. His kisses still have that affect on me. One kiss from him and I become a spineless wreck.

 

“Mmmm, coffee,” He said in that well-modulated, mellow voice of his, once again, bearing no trace of his recent slumber, “I see you found your way around the kitchen alright.”

 

“Yeah,” I replied, “I'll go pour you a cup.” I retrieved my cup from him and made as if to rise, but he stilled me with a gentle hand.

 

“No,” He said, “I'll share yours.” He took the cup from me again and took a sip. Just like that, with no qualms about drinking from my cup. How could he have after what we had done the night before, I hear you ask. Well you'd be surprised. I've know guys who would do the most intimate things to you in bed, then would wipe the edge of a can before drinking from it after you had - weird, but true.

 

We snuggled together, sharing the coffee until the cup was drained, then we made love again. I don't know how he did it, but Heero could always draw me out sexually in a way that no other guy has ever been able to. He drove me to the edge of reason every single time, and I seemed to do the same to him, although I don't know how. Heero said that it was because our bodies' energies were in tune with one another (?) He spoke like this a lot, about spiritual things and energy and such like. I had no idea what he was talking about, but I listened to him anyway. Who was I to argue?

 

As we prepared to go about our respective business for the day, I was a little apprehensive, not knowing whether we were going to see each other again. I wasn't sure how to broach the subject, or whether I even ought to, but in the end it all happened quite, well..., naturally. I told him that I had a few classes at college that day, then I had to go to the library (the library), to do some research. He said that he had to visit a client out of town, and offered drive me to my apartment to change and pick up my books, then on to college. I had already told him that I was putting myself through college by working as a research assistant for one of my professors who was writing a book, and as we drove I told him how this professor was always hitting on me, and how I was running out of excuses to keep him at bay, and still keep my job.

 

“I just don't know what I'm going to tell him today.” I said with exasperation.

 

“Just tell him you have a boyfriend.” He said quite simply and naturally, as if this was a well-established, incontrovertible fact.

 

“Okay!” I said with glee, seizing the ball and running with it.

 

When he dropped me off outside the main college building, he leaned over, kissed me and said, “Have a nice day Duo. Call me later okay? I'll pick you up and we'll do something.”

 

That was how it began.

 

As a boyfriend, Heero was wonderful. I'm no angel and I'd been around the block a time or two. I'd had boyfriends before, good ones and bad ones, but none quite like Heero. Heero himself had a complex nature and he could be difficult to fathom. He could be quite taciturn, but then, quite suddenly, he could wax lyrical about an obscure subject that I'd never even heard of, let alone known anything about. I've always been of a garrulous nature - I could talk the hind leg off a donkey Father Maxwell used to say (he was head of the orphanage where I grew up), but Heero always listened to me and never seemed to get impatient with my constant chatter. I think it actually amused him. I would be holding forth on some (probably nonsensical) subject, and I would turn to him, waiting for his response to something I had said, and I would find him looking at me, head cocked to one side, with a strange half-smile on his lips and a merry sparkle in his eyes.

 

“What?” I would ask, wondering whether I had mispronounced a word or perhaps used one in the wrong context (I was always doing stuff like that).

 

“Nothing.” He would invariably reply, and then he would lean across, give me a quick peck on the cheek, or sometimes brush his lips against mine, then he would proceed to or deliver his response to whatever it was I had said.

 

He was quite romantic, after his own reserved fashion. He was not the hearts and flowers type, but he showed his affection for me in other ways. He would only have to hear that I needed a particular textbook for my college course but that I was a little short of money, and he would buy it for me. Now I never ever told him on purpose, just so that he would buy it, but things come out in conversation when two people are close and when one of those people talks as much as I do. He was touchingly coy, as well as brutally realistic about these little gifts.

 

“I..., I bought you this.” He would say as he thrust the package into my hands and stood shyly by, shuffling his feet and looking down at his shoes. “You said you needed it and I was passing Borders...”

 

“Heero, you shouldn't have done that.” I would say, as I gave him a big hug of thanks.

 

“Why not?” He would ask quite brusquely, “You needed it but you didn't have the money. I could hardly stand by and watch you work extra hours to earn the money to buy a book that I could by with my pocket change, could I?” Well, when he put it that way...

 

I like my food and I'm usually a three squares a day kinda guy, but when I'm working on an assignment or essay for my college course and the deadline is looming, I often skip meals. At such times I would answer a knock at the door of my apartment and a delivery guy would hand me a package containing an enormous sandwich, a jelly doughnut and a large soda from the deli a few blocks down the road. Sometimes it would be a pepperoni pizza or a giant burger that accompanied the doughnut and soda, but with the food there would always be a note with the word, “EAT” written boldly upon it, and Heero's name scrawled beneath. Heero was extremely meticulous and thorough about everything he did, and when I would offer the delivery guy a tip, he would refuse saying, `It's okay sir, the gentleman already gave a tip. He told me I wasn't to take anything more from you sir.' And I'll bet Heero really `told' him too.

 

He actually gave me the jacket - my dream jacket! I had never seen him wear it since that day in the library, but I knew that it still hung in his closet where I had seen it that morning so may months ago, and when unbeknown to Heero, it had given away his secret. Whenever I was at his apartment I would always steal a look at it, passing my hands gently over the lettering at the back, feeling the suppleness of the leather between my fingers, lightly tracing the outline of the dripping dagger. How I loved it. I always thought that I had been quite discreet about this homage but one morning I had just finished caressing it and, closing the door of the wardrobe, I went out to the kitchen where Heero was preparing breakfast. As I entered the room he placed a plate of pancakes in front of me and said,

 

“Why are you so interested in that old jacket in the wardrobe?”

 

I choked on the mouthful of coffee I had been swallowing and after spluttering for a moment or so I lamely replied,

 

“What?”

 

“That jacket with the dagger on the back in the wardrobe. I've seen you looking at it a few times and I just wondered why you were so interested in it?” So much for my stealth and discretion. He sat down opposite me, added some milk to the muesli in the bowl before him and looked at me waiting for my reply, nothing but innocent curiosity written on his face.

 

“I er..., I just like the design on it.” I stammered. “ It's to do with Jack the Ripper, you know, from the book I'm researching for Professor Laing?” He curled his lip in mild disgust.

 

“In that case you can have it.” He said. “I was drawn by the design too when I bought it, but now I know that it has to do with a serial killer, I don't think I could ever wear it again.”

 

“Thanks Heero!” I said excitedly, bounding up and giving him a big hug, “Can I go try it on?”

 

“Why not,” He said with an amused smile, “It's yours now.”

 

I rushed into the bedroom, removed the jacket from the wardrobe and then slowly, reverently, I slipped my arms into the sleeves and pulled it on. It fitted perfectly, since Heero and I were much of a size, and I turned this way and that, admiring reflection in the wardrobes mirrored doors.

 

“How do I look?” I asked him as he came and stood in the doorway of the room, looking at me with that wry half-smile that he always seemed to adopt with me. He walked up to me, reached behind me, lifted my braid and pulled it forward, so that it hung along my front rather that down my back.

 

“There, that's better,” He said, “Now you look beautiful.” Then he kissed me.

 

Having Heero in my life changed it in so many ways I would never have thought possible. Life has always been a struggle for me, but having Heero around seemed to make that struggle a little less arduous. Just having someone to share my problems with somehow made them easier to bear. Even if that someone couldn't help, just listening to me while I poured out my troubles did me the power of good. Simply knowing that I didn't have to go through everything alone, that I had someone else to share things with was precious. This aspect of our relationship was rather one-sided however. Heero was not one to lay bear his soul. I'm not sure that he actually had any problems because he always seemed so self-possessed and collected to me, but if he had, he never confided in me. It was always me that needed the supporting crutch, and he was always there..., always.

 

In fact, it was like getting blood out of a stone to get anything personal out of Heero. On our first date I think I told him absolutely everything about my life, and he told me exactly nothing about his, besides what he did for a living. As time went on I managed to draw him out a little more, but as I said, it was like pulling teeth. I didn't want to trespass where I was not welcome, but I did think that it was important for us to know about each other's background if we were going to have any kind of meaningful relationship. That's not to say that I never found out anything about him. I actually did, and I also discovered what I had to do to get him to talk. Absolutely nothing.

 

About four months after we started seeing each other, we were at my apartment one day. I was making dinner for us, just grilled steak and salad, and he was helping me. I was standing at the counter chopping vegetables for the salad, and he was at the stove, checking on the steaks. Suddenly, out of a clear blue sky he came out with a statement which, after months of trying to draw him out about his family, came as a surprise to me.

 

“I'd like to take you to meet my uncle.” He said.

 

I realised immediately that I had to be canny about this if I didn't want him to clam up on me again. I gave a quick sidelong glance in his direction, registering that he was still fiddling with the grill and was not looking at me at all, before I spoke.

 

“Sure, where does he live?”

 

“In Japan.” Despite my resolve I dropped my knife in exasperation and turned to him.

 

“Heero you know I can't afford to go to Japan.”

 

It was a constant problem between us, this disparity in our circumstances. Well it was more of a problem for me than for Heero. I was a penniless student and he was a freelance computer consultant and making pretty good money from what I could see. I wanted to pay my way, but I found it difficult to keep up with him. He had so much more money at his disposal than I did and we occupied vastly different levels on the social strata. For example, he enjoyed the theatre, as did I, but unless one went to fringe productions, going to the theatre could be an extremely expensive business so we didn't go half as much as either of us would have liked to, making do with the movies instead. Heero would gladly have paid for me everywhere we went, but I wouldn't hear of it. I didn't want to be `kept' by him. I wanted our relationship to be an equal one and besides, I didn't want to be beholden to anyone, not even Heero. He respected my position on this issue, and beyond the odd gift or treat as I have already explained, he never pressed or forced me into accepting anything from him that I might feel compromised my principles.

 

“I was hoping you would accept the trip as a gift from me, since it is I who wants to drag you halfway across the world just to meet my family.” He said, turning to face me. The look in his eye was neutral, but he chewed his bottom lip apprehensively. Sensing that if I made too much of an issue of this he would retreat within his shell and might never emerge again, I relented.

 

“Okay, thanks.” I said, still being deliberately casual about it. “It'll have to be when term finishes though.”

 

“Of course.” He said, relaxing visibly. “I was actually thinking of the summer break.”

 

“Sure, that'd be great.” Containing my excitement with difficulty, I turned back to my vegetables and picked up my knife, hoping that he would talk more about his uncle. I wasn't disappointed.

 

“I've told him all about you and he can't wait to meet you. It was he who asked me to bring you.”

 

He went on to tell me that this uncle, Odin Lowe, was his only living relative and that he had raised him from a boy, first in Japan, then they came to live over here. Once he had seen Heero settled and making his own way in the world, his uncle had returned to Japan. As time went on I found out more about Heero's background and childhood, but not by asking. He would suddenly begin talking, and I just listened, not questioning or interrupting him in any way until the mood had passed and he fell silent again. In this way I discovered that his early life had actually been no better than my own, and I felt that that drew us even closer together.

 

We enjoyed a wonderfully close relationship. Even though he was reserved in many ways, Heero was very loving, and he took very great care of me. He was very attentive towards me, and although he was often very busy with his work, he always found time for me, for us. When I was sick he mothered me mercilessly and if I was ever depressed or upset, or just plain grouchy, he would drop everything and rush to my side to either try and cheer me up, or to simply hold me and give me what reassurance he could.

 

He was a big hit with all of my friends, but I only ever met two of his. One was a tall, thin guy called Trowa. Trowa had beautiful eyes, a roguishly handsome face and extremely weird hair, but he was okay. He was married to a guy called Quatre, with whom I hit it off right away. Quatre was small, blond and very cute, and he I became good friends. Whenever we got together we always ended up with Trowa and Heero sitting in the kitchen discussing philosophy well into the night, while Quatre and I either watched trashy tv or soppy movies. Heero also had another friend, a Chinese guy called Wufei. He was a little too rigid and austere for my taste. I don't think he liked me very much and I definitely didn't like him. I think he thought that Heero could have done much better for himself than me. I don't say that he didn't have a point, but it was none of his damn business anyway. Needless to say, we didn't see him too often. Well I didn't anyway.

 

My best friend Hilde absolutely loved Heero. `Are you sure he's not at least `bi' she would say, because if he is I'll have to fight you for him'. I was so glad that they hit it off, because Hilde was very special to me and she had been a friend in need through many a dark hour. `It'll be wedding bells soon' she used also to say, but I would always shush her whenever she said this. It would, of course, be my dearest wish, but I didn't dare hope for any such thing. Simply having Heero in my life seemed such an unbelievable stroke of good fortune that I didn't dare to even think of anything more.

 

Heero did once suggest that I move into his apartment. I was mad at my landlord for increasing my rent yet again, and as usual, he was listening to my ranting and trying to pacify me as best he could.

 

“I can scarcely afford the rent as it is, where does he expect me to find an extra twenty bucks a week?”

 

“He's a businessman Duo, I don't suppose he considered that.”

 

“Yeah, well when I die of starvation let's see him get twenty bucks out of my corpse.” I had been pacing up and down the room gesticulating wildly in my fury, and as I said this I flopped down onto my battered old sofa, beside Heero.

 

“I would never let you die of starvation.” He said quietly, and he put a comforting arm about my shoulders. I lay my head on his shoulder and leaned into his embrace, and we sat in silence for a while. Then he spoke again. “If it would help your resources to stretch a little further, you are more than welcome to stay with me.” Startled, I extricated myself from his arms, sat up and looked at him, jaw open.

 

The truth was that, much as I would have loved to live in Heero's swanky uptown apartment, I was scared. We had been dating for around six months at the time and it was going well, but we also lived apart. Sure, we often stayed at each other's apartments, but we always had our own homes to retreat to if the going every got tough enough. Uppermost in my memory was something that had happened to Hilde. She and her last boyfriend had dated for around two years. Then he moved in with her and the relationship broke up after about four months. She said things between them shifted into a different gear when they moved in together. He became more possessive, wanting to know what she did with every minute of her time, and she felt obliged to tell him, whereas she hadn't when they lived apart. In short, she felt that she had given up her independence and she wasn't prepared to do that.

 

I was quite sure that I was prepared to do that for Heero, but what about him? Was he willing to make that commitment to me? I know that it was he who had made the suggestion, but he might have felt obliged to make the offer, under the circumstances. What if he had just said it, knowing (or hoping) that I would say no? I wanted to say yes, but I was afraid to, just in case he didn't really mean it. And what if it all went wrong? What would I do then? My landlord would have let the flat to someone else, then I would have to find somewhere else to live, without Hilde just across the hallway. I didn't know what to say, but I was saved from having to provide an answer by Heero himself.

 

“You don't have to decide now,” He said, “Just keep it in mind. The offer is always open, if you feel that things are getting on top of you here. And you can even pay me a nominal rent, if it would make you feel better about it.” He raised his arm, an invitation for me to resume my former position within the warmth of his embrace.

 

I sat there, snuggled up to him, thinking about how wonderful he was and how much I loved him. It was this that was the cause of all my troubles, and the reason why nine months on, I felt that the days of our relationship were numbered. This and the fact that I can't keep my big, stupid mouth shut! As I said, I loved Heero. I was totally and completely head-over-heels in love with him, but I had never told him. How he felt about me I don't know because he ever said, but he seemed to at least like me. After all, he did go to the trouble of stealing my bag then sending it back to me, just to get me to call him. If had only I left it at that everything would have been fine, but no, I had to go and tell him.

 

“Heero?” We were in my apartment, lying in bed, basking in the afterglow of a particularly intense bout of lovemaking, and I'm sure that it was this that had loosened my tongue. I was still so dazed from my orgasm that I hardly knew what I was saying. “Heero?” I said drowsily, my head resting on his chest, his hairless skin smooth under my cheek, and his strong arms around me, holding me close. “Heero?”

 

“Hnnn”

 

“I love you.” It was the first time I had ever said it, and I wish I had cut out my tongue before I had done so. I felt him tense beneath me. He even stopped breathing momentarily. Then he relaxed, but he said nothing. A moment later he slipped out of bed and walked towards the door of the bedroom.

 

“Where are you going?” I asked.

 

“To the bathroom.” He replied curtly, and padded through the door and off along the corridor. I watched his naked, retreating figure, then I lay back down, waiting for him to return. He was gone an inordinately long time, but when he finally did return, he sat on the edge of the bed and began to pull on his clothes.

 

“What are you doing?” I asked stupidly, surprise and disappointment dulling my wits. I could see perfectly well what he was doing.

 

“I have to go Duo.” He said coldly. “I have some work to finish for tomorrow and I need to get on.”

 

“But it's....” I glanced across at the bold numerals on the digital alarm clock on the nightstand, “Eleven thirty. You can't get any work done tonight, and besides, you didn't say anything about this earlier.” A note of irritated accusation had entered my voice. He didn't reply. He just dressed hurriedly, then came over to where I lay on the bed, staring at him in open-mouthed incredulity. He smiled at me with all of his usual warmth, then bent and kissed my gaping mouth.

 

“Go to sleep Duo,” He said, “And I'll call you tomorrow.”

 

After he had gone I lay there in bed, but I didn't sleep. I wept. Heero had never left me like that after making love, never. The way it made me feel, he might just as well have thrown a crumpled up bill at me and said `here's your money'.

 

Well he did call the next day, and he apologised for having to leave so abruptly like that but when I asked whether I would see him that day, he said that he was busy. He was busy for the next two days also. There was nothing unusual about this, in fact it was quite the norm whenever he had a big job on, but still I had a feeling of foreboding. I said before that good things don't happen to me for very long, and when the good times stop rolling I can usually see it coming a mile away.

 

After his leaving like that, it was four days before we saw each other again. We met for a quick lunch, and everything seemed fine. He told me about the contract he was working on, the one that had kept him from seeing me for the past few days. He also told me that he had finished and delivered the job that morning, which is why he was able to meet me for lunch.

 

“So can we do something this evening?” I asked eagerly. His gaze flickered away and then back to me before he replied.

 

“Yes, if you want to.” If I want to, meaning that he didn't. I'm sure he though he hid his reluctance well, but I could sense it, underneath his words, in the very words themselves, and in that flickering gaze.

 

We went to the movies that evening. Outwardly he seemed his usual self, but I could detect a..., reserve that had never been there before, not even at the very beginning. Something was missing. Heero was missing. He was with me, but somehow he wasn't. He drove me home, but when I asked if he was coming up, he said no.

 

“Why not, you've finished your work haven't you?” I asked, and once again that peevish, irritated note crept into my voice.

 

“Yes, but I'm tired. I'll just take a bath and go to bed.”

 

“Are you upset with me?” I asked, quietly. He smiled warmly at me and cupped my cheek with his hand.

 

“No, of course not. I'm just tired and I have a headache coming. I would be pretty poor company, so it's best if I just go home and sleep it off, okay?” I nodded dumbly, and he leaned over and kissed me. “I'll speak to you tomorrow.” He said as I climbed down from his lofty SUV.

 

I watched him drive away until his tail-lights disappeared into the blackness of the night, then turned and walked dejectedly up the stairs to my apartment, my feet leaden as I climbed each tread. As I applied my latchkey to the lock, I glanced across at the door to Hilde's apartment. For the first time I hoped that she didn't come over for a midnight cup of hot chocolate and a chat. I wanted to be alone. Once inside, I sat heavily down on the sofa. I was wearing the jacket Heero had given to me. I had worn it almost every day since. Because it had been his and he had been wearing it the first time I ever saw him, I always kind of thought of it as having him with me whenever I wore it. Now, I wrapped it tightly around me, curled up in the sofa, buried my face in a cushion and wept my heart out.

 

I had lost my Heero, and I didn't know how. All I had done was to tell him that I loved him. It must have scared him off somehow, because nothing had been the same since the moment I uttered those words. I thought he would have been happy. I would have, had he said them to me. But then again, perhaps I had been right all along. I had always wondered what a guy like him ever saw in someone like me. Perhaps he had begun to wonder his too. Perhaps Wufei had gotten to him, his insidious little insinuations having finally found their mark. I could just imagine his smug face looking triumphantly at me, saying, `well, we soon saw you off, jumped up little parvenu'. How I hated him! But I couldn't in all conscience blame Wufei for what had happened. He would undoubtedly take a perverse pleasure in it, but it was all my own stupid fault.

 

I fell asleep in the sofa, and was awoken by the ringing of the telephone. I had no idea what the time was, but I knew it had to be late. I reached out, picked up the receiver and said groggily, “Hello?” There was no answer, but I knew that someone was there because I could hear their soft breathing. “Waddaya want?” I said irritably, then a sudden thought struck me. “Heero, is that you?” I heard a click as the other person hung up, then all I heard was the soft burr of the dial tone. I replaced the receiver and sat staring at the telephone, as if it could explain to me what had just happened. Then I shrugged, rose, made my way to my bedroom, threw off my clothes, climbed into my bed and slept a fitful, restless sleep.

 

Despite what he had said, Heero didn't speak to me the next day, or the day after that. I was not surprised at this by this time, but I was still hurt and disappointed. I called him often, but his answering machine always picked up the call when I called his apartment, and all I ever got was his messaging service whenever I called his cellphone. Things went on like this for about six or seven days, which were days of pure hell for me. I went mechanically about my daily routine, but I had only the vaguest idea of what I did most of the time. Hilde was a tower of strength, as she always was. It was she who got me through those days. She kept telling me that Heero had to have a reason for doing what he had, and that I would find out what it was eventually. She kept telling me that he wasn't intentionally hurting me, and that everything would be alright soon. This was wishful thinking of course, but I allowed her her attempts at consolation. She meant well.

 

One day, she made a suggestion that I suppose I ought really to have thought of myself.

 

“Why don't you go round to his apartment and see him?” She asked.

 

“What?” I exclaimed incredulously, “Are you out of your mind?”

 

“Why not?” She said, “The worst that can happen is that he tells you to your face that it's over, and surely if that is his intention, then you need to hear it from him so that you can get on with your life.” She had a point.

 

She drove me to his apartment building in her battered old VW Beetle, and when we drew up outside the stylish edifice she turned and looked at me.

 

“Do you want me to wait for you?” She asked gently. I shook my head. “I'll wait for you.” She said. “I'll wait for one hour, then I'll go on home, okay?” I nodded, then I got out of the car and slammed the door shut. As I entered the building she rolled down the window. “Good luck.” She shouted. I smiled wanly, waved, then turned and continued on in.

 

As I rode the elevator up to the penthouse, I told myself that I was going to be cool, calm and collected. I told myself that I wasn't going to beg, snivel or plead. I was just going to ask `Heero, what the hell is happening here?', get my answer, then leave. I knocked on the door, and waited, my heart pounding in my breast and my palms moist with perspiration. He opened the door, and his face first registered pleasant surprise, then a studied mask of cold indifference descended.

 

“Duo.” He said flatly.

 

“Heero I...” This was as far as I got with my master plan. I took one look at him, my face crumpled and I burst into tears right there on the doorstep. He drew me inside, closed the door, and then took me in his arms.

 

“Oh Duo, I'm so sorry.” He kept murmuring as he held me and stroked my hair. When my sobs had abated and become less violent, he led me to the sofa and sat me down, sitting down beside me. He wiped away my tears with his fingers, and smiled a thin, watery smile.

 

“I knew you would come.” He said. “I hoped you would.”

 

“But why Heero?” I asked, my voice still choked with emotion, “What have I done?”

 

“You?” He said emphatically, “You haven't done anything. It's not you, it's me.” Well this started me off again. Wasn't this was always what was said when a relationship was about to end. At least it was in the soppy movies that Quatre and I sat through while Heero and Trowa argued philosophy. He took me in his arms again, and held me until I had calmed once more.

 

“Heero,” I said with a sniff, “I've missed you so much, I..., I love you...” At this he pushed me roughly from him and shot to his feet.

 

“Duo stop..., please just stop.” He paced up and down the room a little, then turned to look at me. “I can't bear it, I just can't bear it any more. I have to tell you the truth. You deserve so much better than to be strung along like this.” I shook my head numbly, tears streaming down my face, hearing but not wanting to hear. So it was as I had feared. “When I began this I didn't know that it would go this far,” He continued, “I never dreamt it would. I figured we would meet once, maybe twice, then you would perhaps find someone else, if you didn't already have someone else. You seemed so popular, in that bar you took me to, where we ran into all those friends of yours. There were any amount of candidates there, and I could see that you had no shortage of admirers. But you seemed willing enough to keep seeing me, so I went along with it, not really believing my luck.

 

At first I told myself that it was harming neither of us, that it was only a bit of fun for both of us, that what you didn't know wouldn't hurt you. But then we became closer and I began to feel awful for deceiving you. My feelings for you underwent a transition, which made it even harder to keep up the pretence.” He knelt before me and took my hands in his. “It was when you told me you loved me that I realised that it had to end.”

 

“Heero no....” I whimpered, but he continued undeterred.

 

“I let things go too far Duo. I have to end it now, to allow you to give your love to someone who deserves it,” He rose and turned his back to me, “And before I become even crazier about you than I already am.” My head, which had dropped so that my chin rested on my chest, shot up at his last words.

 

“What?” I said, a faint glimmer of hope daring to stir within me. He turned to face me again and dropped to his knees so that our eyes were level.

 

“You say that you love me Duo, and I love you too, more than I ever though possible, but you wouldn't love me if you know who I am, what I am. I am a liar, a deceiver and the very last person on this earth on whom you should bestow your precious love.”

 

“You... love... me?” I said falteringly. He took my hands in his once more, raising them to his lips.

 

“Yes Duo, I love you. I love you so much I think I shall go mad. It took me a while to realise it at first, why it suddenly became such a painful wrench for me whenever we parted, why your face seemed to haunt me every minute of the day while we were apart, why I yearned for the moment I would see you again, why I wanted to protect you from everything harmful or unpleasant out there in that big, wide, ugly world, why I wanted to hurt those who hurt you or made you unhappy, why I couldn't even bear to think about a life without you.

 

At first I couldn't understand why I felt this way, then it finally dawned on me. It was love. I was hopelessly in love with you. I vowed never to tell you. I swore you would never know. I didn't want to bind you to me in any way, so that it would be easier for you to walk away when you found out about me, about what I had done.” I was confused now, happier, but confused.

 

“But I don't understand,” I said, “What did you do?” He released my hands and lowered his eyes.

 

“I stole your bag Duo, I was the one who stole your bag. That awful experience that you had to go through was all my fault, and I did it just to get a date with you. I selfishly stole your bag, causing you all of that pain and anguish, simply because I was too cowardly to go up to you and ask you for a date. Not only that, I then began a relationship with you, stringing you along and deceiving you into thinking I was something I wasn't, simply because I knew that you wouldn't what to have anything to do with me if you had known the truth. Once again, my selfishness prevailed, and I said nothing. The worst thing is that I allowed you to fall in love with me. At least I was not so selfish as to allow things to continue after that.

 

When you spoke those words you made me the happiest man alive, but I realised that enough was enough. Unfortunately, I was still too cowardly to face you, to tell you face-to-face, so once again I caused you pain and anguish. I thought it would be easier if I didn't see you, if I just made a clean break and neither saw nor spoke to you. I called you once, early on, with every intention of telling you everything, but then you answered the phone and I heard your voice... and I just couldn't do it. I decided to take the selfish, cowards way out, leaving you worrying and wondering. So you see, I could hardly be more unworthy of your love, could I? Duo...? Duo, what's the matter?”

 

This last he said because I had begun to laugh. It began as a slight chuckle, but then built and grew into wild, raucous, almost hysterical laughter. Heero looked at me as if I had gone mad, which to be honest, I think I had a little. When I could talk, I asked,

 

“Is that what this has been all about, my stolen backpack?”

 

“Yes but....” I cut him off as I began to laugh again, relief pouring out of me in the guise of peals of laughter. Even Heero had begun to smile slightly, as he began to realise that it wasn't just hysteria on my part, I was actually amused. When my laughter had abated once more, I spoke again.

 

“Heero, I know it was you who took my bag, I have always known.” Now it was his turn to be confused.

 

“You know, but how?” He asked, his brow wrinkled in confusion.

 

I explained it all to him then. How I had seen him in the library just before the bag disappeared. I explained that at the time I had no way of knowing that it was him, but I had taken note of the jacket he was wearing, the jacket that I now wore. I told him that when I woke the morning after we had first slept together, I went exploring in his apartment to pass the time until he woke, and I saw the jacket hanging in the wardrobe. I told him that I may not be an Einstein, but I knew enough to put two and two together.

 

“That was why I was so interested in it.” I confessed. “I had seen it before, and had fallen in love with it.” I then leaned forward and cupped his cheeks between my palms, training his gaze on me and locking his eyes with mine. “And then I went and fell in love with its owner.”

 

“In spite of what I had done?” He asked meekly.

 

“In spite of it, because of it, who the hell knows why, and to be honest, who cares?” I threw my hands up. “All I know is that I love you Heero, I love you so much and I forgive you any harm you think you might have done me. There, does that make you feel any better?” I asked him with a grin.

 

“Well, in that case,” He said as he adjusted his position so that he knelt on one knee only and took my hand, “Duo, will you marry me?”

 

I stayed with him, and we made love well into the night. Needless to say, I accepted his proposal, and as excitedly as a schoolboy, he proceeded to telephone Trowa, Wufei and even Odin Lowe in Japan to tell them of the news. I felt no disposition to do the same, my circle of friends being quite vast, and I decided that the news would keep. I did vouchsafe one call to Hilde though, just to make sure that she got home alright.

 

“Hil?”

 

“Oh hi Duo,” She said brightly, even though the hour was by now quite advanced, “Is everything okay? I waited around two hours, then when you didn't come out, I went on home.”

 

“It's more than okay.” I said exuberantly. “Guess what? Me and Heero are engaged.”

 

“To be married? There, you see.” She said in an `I-told-you-so' tone of voice. “I hate to say `I told you so', but...” I hung up and went back to waiting arms of my husband-to-be.

 

 

 

 

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