Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Three Small Words ❯ Chapter 7

Author's Notes: Oh my God the fic isn't dead!!! It has returned from the grave! It's amazing *faints* X . x ;;;

Lawyers? Disclaimer is still on the first chapter. Have a nice day.

Three Small Words - Chapter Six

I'm sorry I can't help you, I cannot keep you safe

I'm sorry I can't help myself, so don't look at me that way

we can't fight gravity on a planet that insists

that love is like falling and falling is like this….

(Ani Difranco - Falling Is Like This)

Duo woke up to the sound of a sledgehammer smashing his brain to a pulp. The soft cotton sheet that lay on his body felt like rough horsehair blankets, heavy and coarse, on his skin. His braid throbbed. His eyelids itched. What the hell is that Goddamn NOISE, he seethed as he tried to open his eyes. The pounding seemed to come from directly under his ear and echoed through his head painfully. Finally, he was able to crack his eyelids open enough to fill his vision with an expanse of pale skin. The pounding rhythm reorganized itself into something recognizable, Heero's heartbeat.

I must have fallen asleep, Duo realized as his head rose and fell with the intake of breath of the chest he was laying on. He yawned and immediately regretted it. Morning breath the day after a drinking binge wasn't exactly perfume to the nose.

Groaning softly, Duo raised his aching head from the other boy's chest and looked down at the face that had scared him so the night before. Heero's breathing was deep and even, indicating that he was still asleep, although Duo knew that the boy could easily control breathing and heart rate.

But he'd have no reason to fake it, so I guess he must be real tired to have not woken up when I moved off him, Duo reasoned, watching the boy's peaceful face, smoothed from the lines of anger or exhaustion he had seen last night.

But a few darker streaks down the side of Heero's hollowed cheeks bore evidence to the emotional out burst Duo had never expected to see from the usually stoic pilot. He was upset, hysterical even. I've never seen him like that before. It was…freaky.

Duo shuddered involuntarily and the sleeping boy beside him seemed to pick up on the action, frowning in his sleep. With soft soothing noises, Duo brushed his hands over Heero's torso, and the frown eased into a neutral look once again. But while Heero lost his frown, Duo gained one, feeling the thin of Heero's bones and the stark way his ribs jutted out from the skin. He had been thin before and he was dangerously emaciated now. Duo cursed silently as he traced the line of Heero's sternum. How could he have missed this?

I was too busy trying not to look at him and be suckered into coming back to him, Duo thought with a stab of remorse, which he quickly covered up with anger. What was Heero thinking, starving himself like this? What if a mission came and he screwed up because he was too tired and hungry to fight? What if he got himself or the others killed because of his stupidity? Oh yes, Duo Maxwell was pissed off.

You have a lot of explaining to do buddy. But first, I'm going to have to get some food into that stubborn little body of yours.

Duo extracted himself from Heero's side without waking the other boy and fighting a wave of nausea, made his way to the bathroom to empty his bladder. While he was there, Duo snooped around in the medicine cabinet for aspirin and found an almost full bottle. Popping two into his mouth, Duo pocketed the bottle and checked quickly for other drugs or razors. He wasn't sure if Heero would move on to other methods of self-harm, starving himself seemed like quite enough, but he wasn't taking any chances.

"I didn't bust you out of an army hospital so you could kill yourself you fucking prick," Duo muttered, feeling anger swell up again as bile in the back of his throat. He took a few deep breaths to calm himself and left the bathroom and headed downstairs in search of breakfast.

Quatre was already in the kitchen, sipping his coffee and reading the paper. When he saw Duo he offered a hesitant smiled, like he thought Duo might still be mad at him. "Good morning Duo. How's Heero?"

"He's still asleep. I'm going to make him some breakfast and shove it down his throat so he doesn't keel over on me. I swear, how that guy can be so reckless with his own health and still be a competent soldier is beyond me. Didn't J teach him any sense to go along with all those demolition and combat lessons?" Duo griped, trying to put the blonde at ease.

He got a mug out of the cupboard and poured himself some coffee, drinking the bitter fluid down immediately. His hangover was bad but it wasn't the worst he'd ever had by any means. Wufei's intervention with water and coffee the night before had helped considerably.

Quatre relaxed at the joking tone but he still looked a bit nervous and guilty. "We should have seen what he was doing to himself. He must not have been eating for weeks and I'd only just noticed how thin he was yesterday…"

Duo shook his head and said, "Don't feel bad, Kat. I only just noticed myself, and he's supposed to be my lover…or ex-lover, I guess. Heero's really good at hiding things he doesn't want you to see."

Quatre sighed and smiled ruefully. "That's true. Need some help with breakfast?"

"Would you?" Duo said gratefully. "I'm not the best cook and I'd like to get back to Heero before he wakes up."

"Sure!" the blonde pilot said, happy to be able to do something useful for the couple. He had felt badly about not telling Duo what the matter with Heero was, but it wasn't his place to tell such private things…he wasn't even supposed to know them in the first place. All the same, Heero needed to talk about his mother and Quatre hoped he would be able to go to Duo on his own.

The two boys prepared a quick but nutritious breakfast of toast, fruit, and eggs along with some coffee and a syrupy sweet fruit drink that would hopefully give Heero some much needed energy. As they were finishing up, Wufei entered the kitchen, lightly sweating from his morning exercises.

"Good morning Winner…Maxwell," he greeted, bowing to each of them.

"Morning Wufei," Quatre replied, "would you like some breakfast? I've got leftover eggs and toast if you want them."

"Thank you for the offer but I am not particularly hungry right now. I think I'll just have some coffee," the Chinese boy said, passing by Duo in order to get to the coffeepot. Duo couldn't help the embarrassed flush that spread across his cheeks as he thought back to his drunken exploits the night before and Wufei's patience in getting him home in one piece.

He must think I'm such a fool now, Duo thought. But he also remembered the claim that Wufei had made to him at the bar."Unrequited feelings don't suit me."

It was strange, knowing that Wufei found him attractive and might consider him as a partner. Duo had always admired the Chinese boy's strength and sense of honour, and he had to admit, Wufei was very good looking. He wondered if things had been different, if he hadn't fallen for Heero first…

Too late now for what ifs Maxwell.

"Is that for Yuy?"

The voice startled Duo out of his thoughts and he jumped a little before catching himself. Wufei looked at him intently, his dark eyes serious and knowing. Duo squirmed under the stare and nodded, wondering how this strange turn of events would effect his relationship with the Chinese man.

Wufei was silent for a while, and then he nodded back. "Good. Get him to eat something. He is much too thin. You didn't make those eggs yourself, did you Maxwell? We want to feed Yuy, not poison him."

Duo smiled with sudden relief. Everything was going to be okay, at least between him and Wufei. Things hadn't changed as much as he feared they would. He schooled his features into a glare of mock outrage and threatened Wufei with a fork.

"How dare you say such things about my cooking, traitor! For your information, Quatre made the eggs. I made the toast."

"That would explain the charred pieces of bread with orange marmalade," Wufei said, a hint of a smirk crossing his face.

Duo huffed noisily and exited the kitchen, leaving Quatre and Wufei snickering behind him. A few seconds later Trowa entered the room and demanded to know the joke. While the pilots filled the silence with gentle banter and idle chatter, a tense atmosphere hung around them and all ears listened intensely for sounds in the upstairs bedroom.

------

Heero woke slowly, his eyes feeling swollen and scratchy, like they had been rubbed with sandpaper. He groped around the sheets clumsily for the warm body that was supposed to be next to him and came fully awake when he couldn't find it. Cobalt eyes snapped open and Heero looked at the empty space beside him with a quiet kind of despair. His mind laughed at him cruelly.You dreamed it. He never actually came back to you.

Heero sighed and closed his eyes once more, wanting to go back to his dream where he was held safe in the arms of his lover. Strictly forcing himself not to cry, Heero eased his breathing into a slow pattern and waited for sleep to take him again. So deep was his concentration, he didn't hear the door swing open or the sound of someone setting a tray gently on the nightstand. He did hear, however, when a familiar voice crooned in his ear and a soft hand brushed his bangs off of his forehead.

"'Morning Heero. Wakey wakey, it's time to get up."

Heero's incredulous eyes opened wide as he took in the tired form of his partner. His mouth opened and a harsh rasp came out. Wordlessly, Duo handed him the glass of juice. Heero took it hesitantly but after a sharp glance from Duo, drank the liquid down. Duo took back the glass after he had drained it and Heero licked his lips and tried again.

"You came back," he said.

"Of course I did," Duo replied. "I promised, didn't it? I don't lie. I just went to get you some breakfast."

Duo waved towards the tray and Heero looked at it with something like fear in his eyes. He didn't know if he could eat anything, his stomach had been empty for so long. He cramped up just thinking about putting food into his mouth. Duo watched the expression on Heero's face and scowled.

"You're going to eat every bite, do you hear me? This was a stupid stunt you tried to pull and you know it. Honestly Heero, starving yourself! You're endangering us and the mission by driving yourself to this weak condition. What if Oz attacked right now? What if you had to fly Wing Zero in this condition? You'd be killed for sure and you might get the rest of us killed right along with you. What a stupid, selfish thing to do, Yuy. You know better," Duo scolded, violet eyes flashing dangerously.

A blush of shame rose to Heero's cheeks and he hung his head guiltily. He had no excuse for his actions. If he had known about it, Dr. J would have called him back for immediate retraining. There is no use in war for an unhealthy soldier.

"I'm sorry-"

"Save the apologies," Duo snapped. "Just eat, okay?"

Heero nodded trying to control the shaking in his hands. Duo hadn't forgiven him yet, would probably never forgive him now. He'd put himself and the others in jeopardy because of his own selfish weakness. He really had become useless.Keiji-chan…

Heero shivered and covered up the involuntary action by reaching towards the tray on the bedside table. Under Duo's watchful eyes he began to eat. He managed to get down all of the fruit and two pieces of toast but the plate of eggs was too much for his shrunken stomach to handle. He had only eaten two bites before he had to stop for fear of throwing up all he had managed to keep down so far. Duo watched him pause in his eating with sharp intensity and Heero squirmed under that stare.

"Full already?" he asked, the question lilting dangerously.

Heero nodded, his gaze avoiding the yellow mess of egg on the plate and waiting for Duo's reprimand. It didn't come.

"You can have the rest of it later then," Duo said, clearing away the plates with calm efficiency. Once everything had been stacked neatly on the tray he sank down unto the bed next to Heero and folded his hands in his lap. "So, you wanna tell me what last night was all about?"

"Didn't Quatre already inform you of everything?" Heero spat, bitterly, anger at the blonde's violation of his most private memories rising again.

"No, he didn't." Duo scowled. "He's your friend, though God knows why, and I know him well enough to say that he doesn't go around spilling his friend's secrets. Besides which, I don't want to hear about it from Quatre, I want to hear it from you."

"It's none of your business," came the sulky reply.

"Oh I think it is," Duo retorted. "I think there's a lot of things you refuse to tell me and it's making me go out and get drunk in the middle of the day, and it's making you starve yourself to death, so I really think it's time you 'fessed up Heero before something worse happens."

Heero's lips pressed themselves together tightly, as if his secrets would spill out between them unbidden if given half a chance. Duo watched this and sighed, feeling at once very tired and frustrated.

"Why can't you trust me?" he asked, allowing the hurt he was feeling to creep into his voice.

Heero's eyes widened in surprise. "I do trust you," he protested.

"Do you? I don't think you do, otherwise you wouldn't be so reluctant to tell me whatever it is you're feeling." Duo felt his emotions bubbling out of control and worked to keep from shouting at the boy sitting across from him. "Didn't I tell you about L2 and living on the streets? Didn't I tell you about Solo and Sister Helen and Father Maxwell? Didn't I tell you about my profession before G found me and made me into a Gundam pilot? Damn it Heero, I confided in you! I told you everything, everything! And I trusted you enough to think that you wouldn't run away or be disgusted with me. So why can't you do the same for me?"

Heero's hands curled into fists, which he drove into the bed sheets with vehemence. "It's not the same," he cried. "It wasn't your fault that you lived on the streets or that Maxwell Church got destroyed. You didn't deserve to go through that. I deserved it! It was my fault that she-" Heero clapped at hand over his mouth as if trying to push the words back in.

"What was your fault Heero? She who? Goddamn it tell me!"

"You want to know?" Heero asked dully. "You swear you won't leave if I tell you?"

Duo felt hope shoot through hi, and he grasped desperately at the straw Heero offered. "Yes. Yes. I swear by any and every God in the Universe I will stay right by your side, you just have to tell me what's wrong, tell me something."

Heero sighed and steeled himself, filing through his memories like they were mission reports and selecting an appropriate place to start.

"I was a bad kid," he said. "I was always causing trouble for my parents and we didn't have much money so there was already plenty of trouble for us without me adding to it. I don't remember my father very well, except that his hands were very large and he wasn't Japanese. I think he was American, his eyes were blue, like mine. He left when I was about two years old and mother always told me I made him leave because I was bad. So I tried hard to be good for her but it wasn't easy. The kids used to make fun of me because I was a half-breed and I always got into fights.

"When I was bad mother would discipline me so I'd become stronger. It hurt and I didn't like having to go to school with marks because then people would stare and start fights with me, but I deserved the punishment for being bad and Mother always hugged me and told me she l-loved me after so that part was nice. Sometimes she'd say that while she was hitting me and I remember thinking of all the other grown-ups saying those words to each other and wondering if beneath their clothes, their arms were black and blue like mine.

"One day I was really bad. One of the daughters of my mom's friend tried to kiss me and I pushed her down. Mother was so mad she got out the wooden cutting board to hit me with and when she was finished she was crying just like I was and I wondered why. Then she stopped crying and told me…those words again. Lots of times. And I kept waiting for her to pick me up like always but…I must have blacked out, because when I woke up she was already cold beside me, a hole in her head and the gun in her hand."

Duo listened to this tale told in flat monotone with growing horror. 'God, no wonder Heero's all fucked up. I've been roughed up before as a kid but never by someone who claimed to love me. Is this what Quatre saw?'

"I left the house and wandered the streets a while until Odin found me and took me in. We never spoke of my parents or my past and I never told him my real name. It was better that way."

"Heero…"

The short-haired pilot raised his glance to Duo's, defiance and something deeper sparkling in his eyes. "So now you know. My mother killed herself because of me and I'm still the useless little kid I always was, only now I destroy other people's lives as a job, a hobby, hey sometimes it's even fun."

"Stop that!" Duo shouted, grabbing Heero by the shoulders and shaking him hard enough that his head snapped back and forth like a ragdoll's. "That wasn't your fault!"

"Oh come on," Heero sneered. "My mother committed suicide for me-"

"Your mother committed suicide for herself so she wouldn't have to deal with the guilt of what she'd done to you. God, Heero don't you see? That wasn't love that made your mom beat you and it sure wasn't love that made her pull that trigger. It was selfishness, pure and simple, and if I had her in front of me right now I'd smack her a good one for making you go through that."

Duo pulled Heero closer and rested their foreheads together, looping his arms around the other boy's neck. "I'm not going to leave you," he murmured. "I'm not going to hurt you or myself and call that love. That's not love. This is love." He kissed Heero's lips. "And this is love." Duo's hands threaded themselves through Heero's hair and started to stroke the silky locks in a soothing motion. "And this." Cheeks were suddenly pressed together as Duo nuzzled the other boy's skin and breathed in the soft scent of gunpowder and grass.

"I'm not going to leave," Duo whispered once more and this time Heero melted inside the embrace and let himself believe.

To Be Continued.