Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Time ❯ Quatre's Story ( Chapter 3 )

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Jack, Gundam Wing, Backstreet Boys (Or their songs) or anything else I happen to use in this fic.

//Time, look where we are and what we've been through

Time, sharing our dreams

Time, goes on and on everyday, baby

Time is what it is

Come what may(come what may)//

Quatre:

The Christmas Eve celebrations held at my house were successful, to say the least. After we ate our fill of the wonderful meal that Trowa had made us, we went and sat on the back veranda. Trowa massaged my leg, intuitively knowing that it was sensitive to the cool air.

I looked at my fellow pilots while they talked and laughed together. We had all changed so much. I can remember a time when Heero's only aim in life was to achieve peace. That was all - there was nothing else to his life. And after the war he hadn't coped very well. Now, to see him laughing and teasing Wufei and Duo, it brought a smile to my face.

Heero had tried, multiple times, to end his life. None of us knew, of course. He had moved around so much it was hard for everyone to keep in touch with him. And Duo had been wasting himself away on alcohol and drugs, disguising it behind a smiling façade and clubbing.

One day Heero and Duo had found each other. Duo was high and Heero was stabbing himself repeatedly with a toothpick at the bar in a club when Duo had approached Heero. Heero had been shocked at Duo's appearance and, after Duo had come down from his high, he had been equally shocked at the amount of scars covering Heero's body. So they had helped each other and rebuilt themselves.

I can remember that we had so many dreams, dreams related to our experiences in the war, selfish dreams, and dreams for the world. It's all changed over the time that we have known each other with some of our dreams coming to fruition, while others were crushed.

My dream used to be to get away from my family - to run away and never look back. I suppose that dream is virtually impossible now, seeing as I can no longer run. Then I had a dream to help achieve peace and to prove to my father that what I was doing was the right path. After the war, my dream was to be with Trowa, although I think that was a dream that began during the war along with another related to one of my friends. Now, I have Trowa by my side through everything. The only real thing that I want is for the laughter to continue when I walk into a room.

It's strange how much one stupid mistake can affect us later on in life. I was stupid and went on a mission when my body was not at its peak. I paid the price with my mobility originally. Now, I can see the other changes that the injury has wrought. When I enter a room, no matter who is in it, the conversation either stops or takes on a sombre note. When the other pilots are having a bit of fun they seem to feel the need, perhaps because they believe that I am now at a disadvantage, to stop their previous form of amusement and to create another that I am involved in.

Or maybe this is me thinking pessimistically. Yet again. There's another change. I was the type of person who would always say that the `glass is half full'. I was always telling other to keep trying and to never give up. Now, I can't. I know how depression can feel. I know that when depression sets in no matter how someone else tries it won't help. Nothing can help. Certain things may distract but it takes time, a lot of time, to force yourself to overcome it. And at the moment, I don't think that Trowa will ever be enough to help me overcome this.

Maybe that is just the passage of time. Time, who is more than likely the brother of Death, bring sorrow to all in the end. Or perhaps it's the Father of Death, because without time there could be no death. Without the changing process of time, death could not have an effect.

Trowa is looking concerned now. I think that these thoughts are showing in my expression. But I do try to keep his concern at bay. I know he suspects that the accident changed me in ways other than physical but he still doesn't know for sure. And I'm not about to tell him.

That would wreak my dream of being happy living with Trowa even if I can't have everything I want. I wanted the perfect relationship with true balance. I know it won't and isn't that way but. . . I want the illusion to last for as long as I can make it work.

Thinking about it now, I can see how much I have changed. My thoughts while watching my friends have fun would have been filled with witty remarks to throw at them. I would be laughing and flirting with Trowa. But now. . . I put on the mask of who I used to be and face the day with a shadow of a smile. It's time that's changed us all. It's time that we can never have back.