Hikaru No Go Fan Fiction ❯ Echoing truth ❯ - one - ( Chapter 1 )
[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]
By: Stray 
Anime/Manga: Hikaru No Go Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Angst / Drama | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 08.18.2004 | Updated On: 09.09.2004 | Pages: 1 | Words: 1.3K | Visits: 570 | Status: Work In Progress
Anime/Manga: Hikaru No Go Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Angst / Drama | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 08.18.2004 | Updated On: 09.09.2004 | Pages: 1 | Words: 1.3K | Visits: 570 | Status: Work In Progress
Disclaimer: Hikaru no Go is not mine.
Warnings: depression, mature themes, hints of homosexuality
-One-
What do you do if you find out something about a certain person you thought you knew inside and out, that you didn’t thought to be possible?
And then when you realized, you suddenly thought that you didn’t want to know it?
How do you feel so unexpectedly confronted with the facts? Confused? Because you were startled when the sight appeared before you out of the blue? Disappointed? Because you feel it's something indecent, something to look down to? And ashamed, because you are aware of the fact that you weren't meant to know?
You keep on thinking, you can handle this, like it didn’t happen at all that you learnt about it. Like you did handle everything that came up in your life to this point. But the harder you try to ignore the unwanted knowledge, the harder you try to forget, the more you find yourself thinking about it, giving you this uncomfortable feeling down in the pit of your stomach. Then you try to tell yourself that it is not that uncommon in fact it is an everyday thing, and it isn’t like that person did do anything bad or despicable with being like *that*. Only arrogant and intolerant jerks would think something like that whom you hate and always tried to diverge from. Still it feels strange to know.
Then next time you meet that person, speak with them, you feel embarrassed and uneasy. You stutter and cannot regulate your thoughts, cannot concentrate on behaving normally against them - and that you have to remind yourself to act normally is only the sadder. At the end you leave them suddenly because it just got too uncomfortable for you to pretend. They are confused, wondering what caused this sudden strange behavior on your side. Did something happen, they weren’t aware of? And if yes, what it was.
You are disgusted with yourself. Since when did you start referring of him even in your thoughts like he was a stranger?
Of course he wouldn’t know because he didn’t see you, wasn’t aware that you were there seeing him in that situation. Somehow you feel like you would be the one deceiving him and not reversed.
Then you suddenly think that he was the one who deceived you for so long, why is it you who has to feel guilty because you learnt about the truth? Undeniable that you feel guilty and it angers you.
It happened in a place where the secret could have been well preserved, if only you haven’t got there accidentally, wanting only a phone to call a cab and a place to stay till you waited for it where it wasn’t dark, cold and raining. Of course you knew before that such places existed, but it just didn’t came in your mind that you would ever see one from inside. You haven’t noticed essential things, like the thick smoke, the scrutinizing looks you got when you stepped inside, the strangely cramped impression the whole place emitted, like everyone wanted to be near the others… and the absence of women. It didn’t cross your mind that it could mean something until you pointed out a particularly well-known dual-colored head amidst the mass of people.
Your first reaction was to go over and greet him, and you were relieved to have found someone familiar there to chat with until your transport arrives. Then you spotted the man he was leaning at and the way he did: arms swung around the other man's neck, both of them simultaneously swinging to the slow rhythm of the music. It was the moment in that the other features reached your consciousness, and you stopped abruptly not caring when someone bumped into your back.
You were so shocked that you turned and walked out into the rain, leaving the place without waiting for the cab; walking home in the rain utterly confused not even noticing the wetness that soaked your clothes.
You didn’t know how you got home; your feet carried you on their own, because you emerged from your thoughts only when you bumped into the locked door of your home. You opened the lock with trembling fingers and got into the shower with your clothes on that you discarded onto the bathroom floor only after the warm gush of water warmed up your body. But it couldn’t warm up your core and you stood there still shivering like for hours, wild thoughts running through your mind.
Finally when the water started to turn cold you turned it off and dried, then stumbled into the room still undressed and threw yourself onto the bed. Climbed under the blanket and waited for your emotions to calm, your confusion to clear off.
Why didn’t he ever told you, you think, and then realize that it's an irrational demand. Why should he have? It is not something you tell everyone, not even your family, or your closest friend - when he even considered you that. Why does it affect you so much that you cannot go with it, like you do with everything else you do not have an influence on? Is that person really so disgusting or outrageous?
Or is it simply because *you* consider *him* your friend - the only one you would describe with that term, and it saddens you that you haven’t known about such an essential part of him?
When you think more about it, you realize that maybe it was *because* he considers you his friend and does not want you to get repulsed by him. Albeit he cannot know of your aversion and its cause - some childhood memories of awkward situations you wanted to forget about but unsurprisingly never succeeded, - but most people react unreasonably when confronted with things that diverse from their standard approach to life. Maybe it's just the fear that you could be disgusted and your knowing would break up your friendship. And the scariest thing is to know that perhaps his presumed fears already came true.
But it must not be an issue! Not if you consider the bond you two already have, that goes well beyond casual friendship. He is your eternal rival after all!
Still, you don’t know, what to do in this situation. Maybe you should tell him what you know and that it doesn’t affect your attitude to him. That would mean to tell a lie, because it did already. Or you should pretend you don’t know anything and care not about the secret he wants to keep from you. But how could you ever look into his eyes without giving him the feeling, you have something to hide? How long could you maintain that without him getting suspicious? You haven’t succeeded last time even.
Maybe the best thing would be to wait and see how things progress. To do what is convenient at the moment, or necessary to keep his friendship that means so much for you - the most important thing after playing Go. Maybe even more important than that.
-------------
tbc.
Warnings: depression, mature themes, hints of homosexuality
-One-
What do you do if you find out something about a certain person you thought you knew inside and out, that you didn’t thought to be possible?
And then when you realized, you suddenly thought that you didn’t want to know it?
How do you feel so unexpectedly confronted with the facts? Confused? Because you were startled when the sight appeared before you out of the blue? Disappointed? Because you feel it's something indecent, something to look down to? And ashamed, because you are aware of the fact that you weren't meant to know?
You keep on thinking, you can handle this, like it didn’t happen at all that you learnt about it. Like you did handle everything that came up in your life to this point. But the harder you try to ignore the unwanted knowledge, the harder you try to forget, the more you find yourself thinking about it, giving you this uncomfortable feeling down in the pit of your stomach. Then you try to tell yourself that it is not that uncommon in fact it is an everyday thing, and it isn’t like that person did do anything bad or despicable with being like *that*. Only arrogant and intolerant jerks would think something like that whom you hate and always tried to diverge from. Still it feels strange to know.
Then next time you meet that person, speak with them, you feel embarrassed and uneasy. You stutter and cannot regulate your thoughts, cannot concentrate on behaving normally against them - and that you have to remind yourself to act normally is only the sadder. At the end you leave them suddenly because it just got too uncomfortable for you to pretend. They are confused, wondering what caused this sudden strange behavior on your side. Did something happen, they weren’t aware of? And if yes, what it was.
You are disgusted with yourself. Since when did you start referring of him even in your thoughts like he was a stranger?
Of course he wouldn’t know because he didn’t see you, wasn’t aware that you were there seeing him in that situation. Somehow you feel like you would be the one deceiving him and not reversed.
Then you suddenly think that he was the one who deceived you for so long, why is it you who has to feel guilty because you learnt about the truth? Undeniable that you feel guilty and it angers you.
It happened in a place where the secret could have been well preserved, if only you haven’t got there accidentally, wanting only a phone to call a cab and a place to stay till you waited for it where it wasn’t dark, cold and raining. Of course you knew before that such places existed, but it just didn’t came in your mind that you would ever see one from inside. You haven’t noticed essential things, like the thick smoke, the scrutinizing looks you got when you stepped inside, the strangely cramped impression the whole place emitted, like everyone wanted to be near the others… and the absence of women. It didn’t cross your mind that it could mean something until you pointed out a particularly well-known dual-colored head amidst the mass of people.
Your first reaction was to go over and greet him, and you were relieved to have found someone familiar there to chat with until your transport arrives. Then you spotted the man he was leaning at and the way he did: arms swung around the other man's neck, both of them simultaneously swinging to the slow rhythm of the music. It was the moment in that the other features reached your consciousness, and you stopped abruptly not caring when someone bumped into your back.
You were so shocked that you turned and walked out into the rain, leaving the place without waiting for the cab; walking home in the rain utterly confused not even noticing the wetness that soaked your clothes.
You didn’t know how you got home; your feet carried you on their own, because you emerged from your thoughts only when you bumped into the locked door of your home. You opened the lock with trembling fingers and got into the shower with your clothes on that you discarded onto the bathroom floor only after the warm gush of water warmed up your body. But it couldn’t warm up your core and you stood there still shivering like for hours, wild thoughts running through your mind.
Finally when the water started to turn cold you turned it off and dried, then stumbled into the room still undressed and threw yourself onto the bed. Climbed under the blanket and waited for your emotions to calm, your confusion to clear off.
Why didn’t he ever told you, you think, and then realize that it's an irrational demand. Why should he have? It is not something you tell everyone, not even your family, or your closest friend - when he even considered you that. Why does it affect you so much that you cannot go with it, like you do with everything else you do not have an influence on? Is that person really so disgusting or outrageous?
Or is it simply because *you* consider *him* your friend - the only one you would describe with that term, and it saddens you that you haven’t known about such an essential part of him?
When you think more about it, you realize that maybe it was *because* he considers you his friend and does not want you to get repulsed by him. Albeit he cannot know of your aversion and its cause - some childhood memories of awkward situations you wanted to forget about but unsurprisingly never succeeded, - but most people react unreasonably when confronted with things that diverse from their standard approach to life. Maybe it's just the fear that you could be disgusted and your knowing would break up your friendship. And the scariest thing is to know that perhaps his presumed fears already came true.
But it must not be an issue! Not if you consider the bond you two already have, that goes well beyond casual friendship. He is your eternal rival after all!
Still, you don’t know, what to do in this situation. Maybe you should tell him what you know and that it doesn’t affect your attitude to him. That would mean to tell a lie, because it did already. Or you should pretend you don’t know anything and care not about the secret he wants to keep from you. But how could you ever look into his eyes without giving him the feeling, you have something to hide? How long could you maintain that without him getting suspicious? You haven’t succeeded last time even.
Maybe the best thing would be to wait and see how things progress. To do what is convenient at the moment, or necessary to keep his friendship that means so much for you - the most important thing after playing Go. Maybe even more important than that.
-------------
tbc.