Hikaru No Go Fan Fiction ❯ Echoing truth ❯ - seven - ( Chapter 7 )

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

Back to the real world after that surreal night Akira didn't feel anything unusual - for about ten more minutes. Then Shindo woke up and looked at him with an indistinguishable expression for what seemed the longest second in his life. After that both of them turned to stare at the ceiling above their beds and tried to pretend that nothing was amiss.

They packed their belongings into their trunks, boarded the train, got off after arriving back at home and parted from each other without so much as a few words of courtesy. Akira wondered if people caught on to the difference or filed it away as one of their falling-outs after some fight over the board - not that that had happened very frequently recently.

He woke up the next morning and realized that he was going to meet Shindo in the Go Institute. He didn’t know how he was supposed to feel about that. But the first meeting and the ones following it happened without memorable incident. Back in their familiar surroundings, he found that somehow they had both shifted back into their familiar behavior. That meant him pursuing Shindo, who in exchange was trying to avoid him again. Or at least Akira thought he was. The one time he accidentally bumped into him, Shindo seemed to be eager to drag him into a nearby restaurant for lunch and chattered the whole time. When they were back to their respective boards with their respective opponents, however, he realized that he hadn't had a chance to ask him about meeting in a Go salon to play together, like old times.

Heavens! He felt like a hundred years old! Was it really that long ago that they could play each other outside of professional games - the weekend not counting? He even felt nostalgic, remembering their good times with a bittersweet pang. Adorned by time, now even the frequent ruckus they had called arguing seemed like something that had added spice to their relationship - even if they had never become real friends.

Why was it suddenly so important to actually befriend Shindo?, he asked himself sometimes. Somehow it felt like chasing after him all those years ago. First it had begun with a tiny spark of curiosity. Then, because he hadn't had the chance to satisfy it, it had grown larger until it had evolved into a roaming wildfire, that had died down suddenly after the wind had turned, so to speak, at that most disappointing school tournament. After that, it had been Shindo's turn to chase after him.

The most apparent similarity between his obsession of then and now with Shindo was that it consisted of two opposing feelings. He had been drawn to the unknown and at the same time been scared of it. Yet, the want to know then and the want to relearn now was stronger than his fear of an opponent so strong or - in this case - the fear of Shindo's 'other side', where he wasn't Akira’s opponent, but a normal guy with a private life that was just that: private.

He wondered if being friends with him also included being able to accept him in every aspect, or if he could get away with pretending that 'it' didn't exist. Shit! He couldn't even say the word in his thoughts. He forced himself to repeat it like a mantra: ”Shindo is homosexual. Homosexual. Ho-mo-sexual! So what?”

"Excuse me!" Akira heard a deep, resounding voice call him and turned to look at the stranger who had yanked him out of his thoughts.

"Yes?" He put up his usual serious expression. It was rare for him to meet someone in the building of the Go Institute whom he didn't know at least by sight. The world of Go was a small habitat. The only foreigners were the odd reporters or representatives of companies who hosted some Go-related event. This man wore casual clothing, jeans, sweater and a leather jacket, so he couldn't have been a company worker or a reporter, because those usually wore something more formal. Akira knew every professional player who hadn't got stuck at three-dan or lower and most of the promising Insei. This man was neither of those.

Akira furrowed his brows. The other radiated a disturbing aura that he couldn't explain to himself. Still, Akira was polite enough not to show his aversion and waited for the question the man was about to ask.

"Do you know where I can find Shindo Hikaru?" the man wanted to know.

Akira preserved the neutral expression of his face. Shindo was most likely still at his game. Akira had seen who his opponent was, and knew the man for his habit of stalling, unwilling to resign, even if it was clear that he didn't have a chance to win anymore. He didn't know how the man played against an opponent weaker than himself.

"I'm sorry, I don't know," he heard himself answer. The man nodded and strolled away. While he looked after him, wondering why he’d felt the need to lie about Shindo, Akira could ascertain that the stranger had an athlete's build with considerable muscles and a height that exceeded his own at least by one head. He was unusually well groomed despite the casual clothes. Strange, he hadn't noticed the difference in their heights while speaking with him.

He contemplated if he should go to the game room and catch Shindo to warn him about the stranger, and to try and persuade him to a friendly game for old times' sake. But by the time he arrived at the game room, Shindo had already finished his game and was gone.

Akira sighed and decided to buy a sandwich before he drove to his afternoon class. He was walking toward the cafeteria on the first floor when he heard faint sounds coming from behind a half-closed door. He didn't have to think twice about whose voice it was, because he recognized Shindo after the first sentence.

"No, Seiji! It is over. I thought you’d understood when I told you that I don't want to see you again. You can’t just show up here, either!"

Akira stopped abruptly and found himself shifting closer to the opening behind which he could make out Shindo's familiar head with the blonde streaks on the top. He could also discern the figure of the stranger who had asked him earlier about Shindo’s whereabouts. Now he has found him, Akira thought.

"Yes, but that was two months ago. If you would just give me a second chance, we could make it work! You were among the best I ever had, and I know I'm not bad myself. So why not give it another try?"

That was more information than he needed to know, Akira thought. He almost turned on his heels to get away as quick as possible, but in that instant he recognized the stranger as the one he had seen dancing with Shindo in that gay bar a few months ago. Something, a morbid fascination didn't allow him to just go away. Instead he flattened himself to the wall and watched on with a sickening feeling in his stomach.

He saw the man lift a hand to rest it on the Go player's shoulder in a manner that he obviously thought calming, but Shindo scrunched up his face and shrugged the hand off, taking a step backwards.

"It isn't only about sex! It wasn't then, and you could never understand that! It is about trust too, and you have proved that you cannot be trusted. I won't take you back."

"So, I cannot be trusted? How about you look at yourself first and then make accusations! How can you demand I devote myself to you entirely, when you can't do the same?"

Shindo shook his head. "Just… what are you talking about, Seiji?"

"How do you think I felt when I heard you muttering someone else's name in your sleep? I know you never loved me. So how can you demand for me to love you, knowing that all the time there was some mysterious guy you were pining after?"

"I’ve never said I was perfect. And I never asked you to love me, just that you don't fucking sleep with other guys behind my back!" That last sentence was an angry hiss. It looked like Shindo was about to storm out of the room, and Akira really didn't want to get caught eavesdropping, so he stepped away from the door and hurried away as quietly as possible. He didn't even look back to see if he’d got away.

Two days later he was out with Akari on a friendly-type movie and dinner date, and he couldn't help but mention to her what he had witnessed in the institute after both of them were past their second glass of wine.

"Why are we speaking about Hikaru again?" she asked half playfully-half annoyed.

"Why? We always end up speaking about Shindo at some point," Akira told her, trying to take away the edge of it. It was true after all. One of them always brought up the blond, and most of the time it was Akari, wanting to hear about his games. Maybe they had more than this one thing in common, but Shindo was their most frequent topic.

"So, do you know this guy?" he asked when she didn't give him an answer.

"Seiji, you say? Not by name, but I think I might have seen someone matching that description a few times last year in October. Hikaru doesn't really talk to me about his relationships, you understand. And even if he did, I don't see why this would possibly concern you."

Akira shrugged and tried to be nonchalant about it.

"You know how it was after he became a pro. For a few years we used to play together at least twice every week, and then we just stopped. I only recently realized that I miss our time together. I have never really known him, even when I thought he was my friend. And now, he’s changed so much. He used to be so open."

Akari sighed. "I know what you mean. He’s become very private. He has withdrawn himself even from me, and I didn't know what I had done, for him to stop speaking to me. I had thought it was because I couldn't understand Go, or something. It was really just luck that I have stumbled upon his little secret, and he didn't have a choice but to start speaking to me again…"

"You think he is afraid that people won't like him anymore if they know about him?" Akira asked.

"I think he is ashamed." She said it very softly.

Akira didn’t know what he should answer to that. He considered saying that Shindo shouldn’t be, but he couldn’t say it. It would have been a terrible lie, since even he would have been ashamed of Shindo’s secret, if it came out into the open. He sometimes wondered - should that happen, would he cease to want his friendship, so as to not to be associated with homosexuality or would he prove to be strong enough to persist? He couldn’t decide between feeling guilty and choosing the socially safe route. It seemed that - at least for now - the guilt had won.

"Maybe if I told him that I don't have a problem with it…" Akira thought aloud, looking at his half-empty wineglass.

She looked up at him with sarcasm in her eyes. "You really don't?" She could see right through him.

Of course, that was expected after Akira had told her about the events at the Go seminar. Though he hadn't really explained the cause of his aversion and hadn't gone into much detail about their last night.

Akira groaned in frustration. "I… He could at least give me a chance to get used to it. I think our friendship would be worth it."

"You just said you aren't friends."

"But I want to be friends with him, and I am willing to work for it."

"And what if he doesn't want to be friends with you?"

Akira blinked at her with a shock of realization. He hadn't even considered this possibility.

"I can't be sure, can I? Unless I ask him directly."

She nodded thoughtfully.

"So what about this other guy Shindo was accused to be 'pining after'?" he asked suddenly. "Do you know something about that?"

Akari shrugged and tried to remain nonchalant. "That is not my place to tell you."

Akira lifted a brow. They were now on the second bottle and he was glad that they had come via taxi instead of his car.

"So do you know who it is? Is it something like a long time unrequited love?"

Her eyes narrowed abruptly. "I don't know anything about Hikaru's love life, as I already told you! But even if I did, I wouldn't betray his trust by telling every stranger who comes to me about it!"

Akira winced. The stranger part was a bit hard, but he supposed he deserved it. After the words were out of his mouth, he realized that he had no right to ask something so personal.

"Sorry. Perhaps I should stop drinking now."

She just looked at him, and the hurt in her eyes didn't cease one bit. He sighed.

"Look, I told you, I'm sorry. I understand why you don't want to speak about it…"

She interrupted his apologies with a short chuckle, but her voice didn't contain any amusement. It sounded just cynical and dry.

"Oh, you do?"

Akira nodded hesitantly. He couldn't really understand why women tended to throw such hysterics and he was even worse in handling them, but he felt it coming right now.

"No. You don’t understand a thing!" she spat at him. Akira felt a strange mix of longing and bitterness in those words. Then she got up suddenly, and stormed away in the direction of the toilets.