Hikaru No Go Fan Fiction ❯ The Extent of Denial ❯ Drowning It Out ( Chapter 22 )

Hikaru stared sullenly into his glass, idly shaking it every so often to hear the melting ice cubes shift with a clink. It was vaguely satisfying, and sounded infinitely better than the music that was droning on in the background.

 

He was doing his best to tune out the murmur of voices around him. Despite being a small, dark little club that was fairly deserted due to it being a Wednesday night, it still seemed much too loud to his ears, too crowded for his fragile mindset.

 

“Are you just going to watch your ice cubes melt, or what?” asked a warm voice.

 

It took him a moment to realize that the question was addressed to him. Slowly, he looked to his left. He hadn't even realized that someone had taken the stool beside him.

 

The man that had addressed him had feathery dark hair that fell to his shoulders and earnest dark eyes. He was regarding Hikaru with an expression that was both open and friendly. Hikaru continued to assess him mutely, still not quite connected to reality.

 

The stranger's expression changed to one of concern. “Hey, what's wrong?”

 

“Nothing,” he muttered flatly, dropping his gaze to stare at the countertop in front of the other man.

 

“Wow. Well, let's try this. My name is Fujie Kota. Just Kota is fine, though.”

 

“Shindou Hikaru. Shindou is fine.”

 

Kota was silent for a moment, as if uncertain as to what he should do in such a situation. He seemed to recover quickly enough, however. “So, Shindou, what brings you here on a Wednesday night? Summer vacation will be ending in a couple of weeks. Don't you have to be studying for anything?”

 

“I don't go to school anymore,” Hikaru replied monotonically.

 

“Oh? Graduated already?” Kota sounded surprised.

 

Did he look that young? He'd be 18 in September. “No, just stopped going in order to pursue my career.”

 

“Really now! And what might that be?”

 

Was that amusement in Kota's voice?? He slanted a suspicious glance at the other man. “I play Go professionally.”

 

Now Kota really did look surprised. “Is that so? But…you're so young.”

 

“I'll be 18 soon,” he returned a little sharply, annoyed. “What's so young about that? You don't look so old, yourself.”

 

Kota smiled at him. “No, I'm 23. I just graduated from Tokyo University. I'm just not quite sure of what I want to do with myself.”

 

Hikaru looked away, even more irritated. Was this guy some sort of Akira clone that he mentioned such an achievement so casually? “So what are you doing around here, then?”

 

The other man shrugged, sunny smile breaking out yet again. “My family lives in this area, so I moved back and decided to live here until I decided on my future.”

 

It was disturbing to see someone smiling at him so much. It was very unlike Akira. There was no blazing intensity in Kota's eyes, just a sort of gentle warmth. “Ah. I suppose I'll just remain a pro until I die. There's nothing else that I want to do.”

 

Akira facing him across a Go-ban, eyes shimmering like a heat mirage in their intensity...

 

Kota discreetly signaled the bartender to bring Hikaru another drink, then turned back to their conversation. “So, again - what's a pro doing hanging out in a bar as if he has nothing better to do with his time?”

 

The man was rather invasive, Hikaru decided, but he answered anyway. “There's a break between tournaments, and no one is playing for titles right now. They're trying to convince Touya…Touya Meijin to make an official comeback, but he isn't interested.”

 

“Why do they care?” Kota asked, looking perplexed.

 

Hikaru shrugged. “He's a very challenging and interesting man, skilled beyond belief. He motivates the younger players, and he's good publicity for the Go community.”

 

“Shouldn't you be practicing, then?” Kota prodded, tone teasing.

 

The bartender set down Hikaru's drink down before him, and he took a large sip before answering. “I've slept, dreamt and breathed Go since I was 12. I don't think slacking off a little right now is going to kill me.”

 

No, it'll be something else.

 

“Touché. I'm sure you're right, Shindou.” Kota fell silent, graceful hands cupped around his own glass.

 

Hikaru blinked a couple of times as he realized that Kota did resemble Akira somewhat. The man beside him had a slender build just like Akira's, if not quite as delicate, and his hands were long-fingered and capable-looking, yet endowed with an underlying grace, just like Akira's. Even the way Kota's hair fell was similar, though the bangs weren't cut straight across like his rival's were.

 

But Kota's attitude, manner of speaking and personality were completely different from his friend's. He would have fallen to his knees and begged for the aqua-eyed pro to treat him even this warmly, or to persist in trying to wring information out of him the way this man was. Was the attitude of caring and interest genuine? But how could it be? He was a stranger to Kota.

 

Akira…

 

Hikaru closed his eyes, grip tightening on his glass. His mind could never be numbed enough to forget about Akira. Never. No matter how much he drank, or even if he resorted to other substances. It would make no difference. It would only ruin his career - the only thing he had left.

 

“Hey,” Kota's voice said softly from beside him.

 

It seemed so far away. He felt a hand touch the middle of his back, as if it was trying to comfort him, and he allowed it. It remained there. He managed to open his eyes and turned his head slightly to look at Kota.

 

The other man seemed even more concerned than before, and was leaning down a little in an attempt to get a look at his face. “Shindou?” As soon as Kouta saw his expression, the other man's changed as well. “I knew you were here for some other reason.”

 

“No reason,” Hikaru mumbled, trying to maintain his focus on strangling his glass so that he wouldn't disgrace himself by breaking down before strangers.

 

Kota was watching him with somber eyes. “You don't have to talk about anything to me. I'm just some random stranger. But…is it okay if I want to know you?”

 

Hikaru heard the interest in Kota's voice, saw it in his manner. This was what he had come to this particular club for. It did, after all, have a reputation.

 

“Sure,” he heard himself say softly.

 

Kota's hand left his back. “Are you sure you can handle getting home on your own?”

 

“Yes, but I don't think I'm ready to leave just yet. After all, we've only just met. I'd like to talk to you a little more.” He didn't feel it. He didn't feel it at all. But at least Kota faintly resembled Akira. That made it a little easier - and infinitely harder.

 

Kota looked doubtful as well, but pleased nonetheless. “I'm so glad to hear that. I'll try to take your mind off of whatever is bothering you, Shindou.”

 

“Don't worry about it,” Hikaru murmured, forcing himself to stop trying to kill his glass. As his fingers loosened, he felt that his death-grip on his hope did, as well.

 

Is this all it is, Akira? Is this it? Was it my imagination that you felt something? It's time for me to give up on you, now… isn't it? But why does it have to hurt so much?

 

Hikaru closed his eyes and dredged up his best smile, offering it to Kota.

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Akira, aren't you ready to come home yet? If you apologize to your father and promise never to see that boy again, I'm certain that he would forgive you.”

 

Akira scowled into his empty refrigerator, irritated despite the pleading tone of his mother's voice. “No. I'm not coming back, and I am certainly not apologizing to father. Before all of that, ceasing to see Hikaru is the very last thing I'd ever do.”

 

“But why? Isn't your family more important to you? I thought I raised you better than this.”

 

He slammed the refrigerator door closed. “Of course family is important to me, mother, but I have to make my own decisions if I'm to be an adult. Can't you and father understand that?” He was struggling to keep his voice level, as he had no desire to snap at his mother.

 

“What we can't understand is why you choose to make the decision to keep seeing that boy. He's a bad influence on you, Akira. If it weren't for him, none of this would ever have happened.”

 

“You're right. I would have remained living at home, doing whatever father asked of me. I would never have lived my own life. Wouldn't that have been convenient? But I can't do that, mother. I see Hikaru because he is the focus of my life. The joy in my life. The only non-Go thing that I focus on.”

 

“Can't you find something healthier to focus on? You're my son and I love you, and I don't want to see this happen to our family.”

 

Akira exhaled through clenched teeth. “He is healthy for me! Without Hikaru, I would be only Go, mother. Father raised me on nothing else but that damned game, and I love Go, but I didn't even know what feelings or friends were before that silly boy tripped into my life.”

 

His mother was silent for a moment, but when she spoke, her voice trembled as if she were about to burst into tears. “So you are in a relationship with him?”

 

Akira slammed his fist down on the kitchen counter, throwing his head back to glare at his ceiling. Give him strength! “No, mother, we are not in a relationship. Besides, neither you or father ever bothered to get to know him, so how can you act as if he's the worst thing that ever happened to me?”

 

“Son…do you love that boy?”

 

He almost dropped the phone. “W-what?” he asked, shocked.

 

“Akira, it's not a strange question for me to ask. After all, you were never disobedient or outspoken before, but since meeting him, you've gone to any extreme you deemed necessary, and all for his sake. At least, that's how it looks to us.”

 

“Just because he's important to me doesn't mean that I feel…that. That's just bizarre, mother.”

 

“It's not bizarre! It seems the only likely conclusion with how you've been acting! The only one blind to it is you!”

 

Was that true? Feeling shaken, he responded coldly. “If this is the only purpose of your call, I think we're done speaking now. Take care, mother. I'll talk to you later.” He put the received back in its cradle, resisting the impulse to slam it down.

 

“What have you done to me?” he asked Hikaru with quiet intensity, although the other boy wasn't there to hear him. Indeed, that was the only way that he'd ever ask such a question - without anyone there to hear it, without anyone there to respond to it.

 

He was in a foul mood. There was nothing to have as a late breakfast or an early lunch in his refrigerator - indeed, there was nothing at all. If he had only gone shopping last night instead of wasting his time staring at mildly scandalous pictures of his rival, he'd have something to eat right now.

 

To have his mother call to prattle at him on an empty stomach, in this state of mind, set him absolutely on edge. To top it off, he'd had a peculiar message from Hikaru on his cell phone when he'd woken up this morning. Thankfully it hadn't woken him up, as his cell had been off for once.

 

The call had come in at 2:41 A.M., and Hikaru had sounded very drunk. After listening to much slurring and giggling, Akira had managed to piece together what sounded like an invitation to hang out with Hikaru-and-friends on Sunday. What was Hikaru doing getting that drunk? It made him worry all over again about what was going on with the bleach-banged boy.

 

Was it because of me again, Hikaru?

 

The very idea made him feel a little nauseous. What did he imagine he could do, though, if he couldn't even express his feelings to Hikaru?

 

Stop hurting yourself, especially on my account!

 

It was beginning to drive him mad, he felt certain. The dull ache that he had felt when Hikaru had turned down his offer to stay for the night persisted, never leaving him for a moment. Some part of him couldn't understand why Hikaru would turn him down. Though he was quite aware that the other boy most likely thought that he wasn't serious, it pained something else within him - something that had nothing to do with logical or spoken reasons.

 

Don't you trust me?

 

That was the crux of it, wasn't it? Hikaru didn't trust him anymore. He had hurt his friend too much, toyed with those emotions once too often. Perhaps he'd have a chance to make it right when he saw them all on Sunday, but he truly wanted to see Hikaru sooner than that. Alone.

 

Akira turned back to the phone in the kitchen, picking the receiver up again. He dialed Hikaru's cell number from memory and waited. He was just about to hang up, disappointed, when the other pro answered.

 

“Hello?” Hikaru said, sounding as if he'd just been laughing.

 

Akira's heart lifted. “It's…me. I wondered if…perhaps you would like to go somewhere today? I—“

 

“Oh, I'm sorry, Akira. I'm out with a friend right now, and I'm pretty sure I won't be back before this afternoon.”

 

Akira felt his eyes widen as his throat tightened with disappointment. “Well…what about tonight? Are you doing something tonight?”

 

“Actually, yeah. I'm going out again later, probably clubbing, so I know you wouldn't be interested in that.”

 

He drew back, staring at the receiver as if it had been hijacked by aliens before bringing it back to his ear. Had he heard that correctly? Was he still in the proper reality? “Maybe…not.” It certainly didn't sound as if Hikaru had been inviting him along, anyway. “How about tomorrow?”

 

“Geez, Akira, I really can't. I'm probably going to be out that day, too.”

 

Doing what? He wanted to ask the question, but he dare not. If he did, it would explode out of him. “You can't?” he repeated back, barely remaining in control of his voice.

 

“Nope, afraid not. I'll see you on the weekend at Isumi's though. You got my message, right?”

 

“I…did, yes.”

 

“Do you need me to pick you up to go to Isumi's?” Hikaru chirruped, sounding good-natured and effervescent.

 

Akira felt the urge to examine the receiver again, but restrained himself. Hikaru was typically energetic, true, but this was over the top. “That…would be agreeable. Thank you.”

 

“Sure, no problem. See you then!”

 

He opened his mouth to say something else, anything else to keep Hikaru with him, but the line was already dead. “What do you mean, you can't!” he snarled at the receiver before slamming it back into its cradle.

 

How could Hikaru not have time for him? For him! He'd never been so brushed off by the other boy before, never. He felt positively betrayed. Akira didn't like the feelings of pain and loss that came with the anger. Which friend was it that deserved so much of the bleach-banged boy's time? It couldn't be Waya or Isumi, could it?

 

Some sharp-edged, sour emotion was churning within him, filling him with the urge to break something. He clung to his control determinedly, refusing to have some childish fit of pique just because Hikaru was ignoring him.

 

He would find out who it was, and he would do something about it. Perhaps he only needed to make himself a little clearer, a little more available. That way Hikaru wouldn't need to spend time with anyone else.

 

Akira would make it clear to him, somehow.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hikaru grinned, leaning slightly into Kota as they sat down on a deserted bench in the park. They hadn't seen anyone for the last fifteen minutes. “I've really enjoyed hanging out with you today, Kota.”

 

“I didn't think you were going to survive your hangover or being dragged out of bed, though,” Kota replied with a chuckle.

 

“The coffee helped. Thank you for breakfast…and lunch…and I really never thought I'd actually enjoy window shopping and all, but I did.”

 

The other man made a sound of agreement, arm slipping down from the back of the bench to lie across Hikaru's shoulders.

 

“I didn't realize I'd given you my cell number,” he murmured thoughtfully.

 

“You did. You also called your friend to invite him to some weekend get-together while we were still at the club. I tried to persuade you not to, as it was in the middle of the night, but you insisted, so…it's difficult to say no to you, you know.”

 

Hikaru glanced at Kota and found that the other man's face was quite close to his, gaze serious and focused. “No, I didn't know,” he replied quietly. He almost tensed at the look in his companion's eyes, almost pulled away, but remembered that if he did, he'd be back to square one - finding someone to focus on besides Akira. Not to mention needing to have a boyfriend in case Amari really did try to turn the Go community against Akira. Hikaru had to make himself the larger target, just in case something happened.

 

Kota lifted a hand, brushing the backs of his fingers lightly against Hikaru's cheek, a question in his dark eyes. Hikaru swallowed, feeling both anxious and flattered that someone was actually interested in him like this. His heart was about to beat itself right out of his chest. This was nerve-wracking.

 

He closed his eyes, signaling to Kota that yes, it would be all right to kiss him. Within moments, he felt warm lips press against his. It was a far cry from Akira's kiss, but it was still quite pleasant. When a wet warmth pressed against the seal of his lips, he allowed it to pass - allowed Kota to kiss him intimately.

 

It still felt quite different from how it felt to kiss the girls, and stirred his body a little, besides. It wasn't the violent passion that surged whenever he and Akira were close, and for that he was thankful. It almost hurt to be close to the other pro, to want him so much, to feel him so much. He could handle this easily.

 

Kota drew back, fingers tangling in the back of Hikaru's hair, and leaned his forehead against Hikaru's. “Shindou,” the other man whispered, gazing into his eyes warmly.

 

“Hm?” he replied.

 

“Can I…could we…date? I would like to be your…boyfriend. You are single, aren't you?” Kota suddenly looked apprehensive.

 

Hikaru laughed, and it sounded somewhat bitter to his own ears. “Yes, yes, I'm single. No one wants me, Kota.”

 

“I want you,” Kota whispered a little fiercely, favoring Hikaru with another quick kiss. “Will you be with me?”

 

“Yes,” he murmured, smiling. It was so nice to be wanted, to be sought after by someone. And Kota was…cute. Very cute.

 

He still felt horrible about having to blow Akira off earlier, but what did it matter? Even though it iced his heart to deny the other boy anything, or to push Akira away when he had come seeking, it wasn't as if his rival would be hurt. Akira wouldn't care beyond being indignant that Hikaru dared to have something better to do than to be jerked around by him. He'd be seeing the other boy soon enough, anyway.

 

“Hikaru? You're spacing out on me again.” Kota's smile was tempered by concern.

 

“Don't worry about it, Kota, I'll be fine. Thank you for worrying about me.”

 

Kota pulled him closer, fingers lightly stroking Hikaru's arm.

 

I'm sorry, Akira. I tried to give you all of my time…but you didn't want it. I tried to give you all of me. Things can't always be…only the way you want them.

 

I'm sorry. I'm going to drown your voice in Kota until I can't hear it anymore.