InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Fleeting ❯ Reality ( Chapter 9 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

un_love_you prompt:  #22 – “I hate myself.”

Sesshoumaru slumped further into his seat, crowded at the back of the tiny restaurant, hiding from the rest of the noisy patrons behind a thick book.  His eyes wandered aimlessly over the page as his mind kicked about restlessly, refusing to absorb the information offered.  

He shook himself.  Get a grip, he admonished, stabbing his chopsticks into his quickly cooling food.  This is important – you don’t have time to be daydreaming right now.  He was hoping to dash off a few last-minute changes to his latest thesis chapter before his meeting with his advisor that afternoon, but his mind just wasn’t in academic mode at the moment.

No, all he could think about was the luscious girl whose arms had been wrapped around him that morning, and how much he hated himself for enjoying her attentions.

He let the book fall open with a heavy thump on the table in front of him.  This was not the time to be fantasizing about pretty party girls who happened to share his living space – no, this was the time to put up or shut up.  This was his final semester, and he was taking two extra classes on top of writing his master’s thesis, so he had plenty to keep his mind occupied:  classes, discussions, presentations, exams, papers, and the biggie – his thesis – all due by the end of May.  He was motivated, all right; his entire future was hanging in the balance of him graduating from this program on time.  And, for the last year and a half, he had been the most diligent person on the planet, working steadily towards that goal.

Then life decided to throw him a few curveballs, just for kicks.

The reason he couldn’t just put Kagome out of his mind like every other interesting distraction in the world was because she would play an inevitable role in his future, perhaps unwittingly.  She was the daughter of the man who had been his father’s biggest business rival; because of his untimely demise, she sat the board of directors for her family company – the same company where he’d been planning to secure his first post-graduate position for so long.

Not that he’d known any of this about her until a few days ago, naturally.

That meant he was in a quandary, and he was, for perhaps the first time in his life, unsure of how to proceed.  He had too much pride and personal honor to stoop to grubbing for the job, by means of using Kagome or her position on the board.  However, it was very important that he land the post somehow, as it was a key in his plan to broker a hostile takeover of his family’s company, since his father seemed increasingly disinclined to honor his promise of allowing Sesshoumaru to gain his inheritance in the traditional manner.

And so, he faced a choice:  either he could resist giving in to his burgeoning feelings for this very intriguing woman, or he could allow his emotions free reign and risk her wrath when she learned the reality of his plans.

I really don’t need the distraction, he reminded himself as he paged through the book again, eying its mercilessly tiny print, his enthusiasm for the material waning even further.  I managed to keep myself on track for this long.  Giving up my social life for my studies never bothered me before.  So…why now?  Why her, of all people?  She’s not my type…

True, she wasn’t his “type”:  she was a veritable whirlwind of friends and acquaintances, so easy with a smile for strangers, charming and delightful and slightly overwhelming to be around.  She partied hard, and sometimes risked the consequences of that – such as being shunned by a particular crowd following a disastrous Halloween party – but for the most part, she appeared to live an effortless life.  He’d long since revised his opinion on her depth of personal responsibility after learning of her background, but this fiery, effervescent woman was far from the type he’d dated throughout high school and university.  Back then, he’d gone for the quieter type, favoring those girls with cool personalities and a love of biting sarcasm, who held themselves above the “party crowd” and were serious in their career pursuits.  Not that any of these relationships had lasted very long – with the exception of one, he’d grown tired of them quickly, and cut ties with them just as fast.

His last relationship – God, had it really been three years ago already? – had ended so badly that it had driven him away from dating completely.  He’d thrown himself into his studies instead, concentrating on his future and the growing rift between his own ambition and his father’s whimsy.

No one had turned his head since.

Until now.

And, of course, she was the one he shouldn’t want, much less pursue.  

He sighed morosely, lifting his eyes to the lunchtime crowd.  He wasn’t sure what had compelled him to look up at that moment, but his heart stopped as he caught sight of the woman in question, sitting in a booth near the door with a nauseatingly familiar companion.

Kagome – with Inuyasha.

His gut clenched as he watched them, chatting away with ease.  I see Father wastes no time, he mused darkly, his irritation growing with each passing moment.

His father was interested in Kagome’s family business as well, and was using one of his usual tactics to get it – namely, figuring out how to worm his way inside (this time, as per usual whenever a woman was involved to this degree, via seduction) to set up a classic divide and conquer.  The only difference was that he wasn’t using himself as the bait this time – no, that role had fallen onto the bastard son’s shoulders, and Inuyasha was playing the part of pawn to perfection, it seemed.

So this is how it’s going to be, he thought as Inuyasha took Kagome’s hands in his, before reaching across the table to caress her cheek.

The gauntlet had officially been thrown:  it was every man for himself, and whoever got to Kagome – or her family’s company – first, won.

He narrowed his eyes as he watched his brother work Kagome over with his practiced charm, earning pretty blushes and smiles from her in response.  You have to protect her from this, whispered the little voice of his conscience, a rush of primal protectiveness rolling through him.  You care about her.  You see what’s happening to her, and you have the chance to do something about it.  

The only question was – was he willing to risk himself in the process?  

He knew himself well enough to know that he was falling for her, no matter how much he wanted to deny it.  That same sense of honor that had saved her from Kouga’s clutches was rising to his surface once more.  Then, it had been simple – he’d had no stake in the matter, other than principle; he wouldn’t stand idly by when a woman was being used so callously for another’s fleeting pleasure.

Now, it was not so simple.  He was running the risk of doing exactly what he’d always loathed of others:  using her for his own personal gain.

There has to be a way, he thought, pushing aside his half-eaten lunch and reaching into his bag for his cell.  I can find a way to shield her from my father’s clutches…and protect myself as well.  

He quickly typed out a text, hitting the send button with relish, before glancing back up at the pair across the restaurant.

The corners of his lips lifted in a pleased smile as he watched Kagome pull away from Inuyasha, her entire face lighting up as she read his message:  “Looking forward to this evening and am seriously regretting not making it for lunch.  How about we do something at home?”

She looked thoughtful for a moment as she considered a response, a faint blush staining her cheeks as she typed her answer.  Inuyasha sank back in his seat, his annoyance plain in his features as he attacked his ramen with a bit more force than necessary.  Kagome sent her message and snapped her phone shut, pocketing it as she reached for her things.  Sesshoumaru watched, amused, as she shot up from her seat, waving a hurried goodbye to her surprised companion, and barreled out of the bustling shop.

When he received her reply a few seconds later, his satisfied smile only widened.

“Just how serious are your regrets?  Dinner, at home, in private?  Looking forward to accepting your apologies in person – and I promise to make it worth your while.”

Sesshoumaru threw his weight against the warped front door of his apartment, a sharp pain coursing across his shoulder and down his arm as the door finally gave way.  Goddamn winter, he grumbled to himself, shoving it back into place and turning the lock.  I can’t wait for this weather to be over.

He fumbled with his coat and bag, dropping the latter heavily on the floor as he reached to hang up his winter gear.  He had to smile, just a little, at his own nervousness and anticipation, wondering just what sorts of plans his roommate had cooked up for them.  She’d certainly shown creative ways of passing an evening in the past, albeit with other companions.

“Sesshoumaru?” Kagome called, waving a spatula as she rounded the corner of the hall from the kitchen.  Her expression melted into a radiant smile as she spotted him.  “You’re back!”

He nodded, his gaze sliding down the length of her as she approached.  Oh, God, he thought, swallowing convulsively.  She was wearing it – that same skirt from Halloween – the one that brushed so suggestively against her thighs – and those boots – !

That was as far as his thoughts had the chance to wander; the next thing he knew, her body was flush against his, her arms wrapped around his shoulders, her mouth achingly close to his.

“I’m ready for my apology,” she purred in a throaty whisper, her breath warm against his lips.

His heart thumped heavily in his chest as he caught a whiff of peppermint in the air.  He had not expected such an enthusiastic greeting – at the damn door, no less – and found his hard-won internal resistance crumbling swiftly.  He’d only just left his thesis advisor’s office, and he’d had precious little time to contemplate just how he was going to handle their evening together.

She, obviously, had a few ideas – very tantalizing ideas that probably had little to do with honor or protection.

“I’m sorry,” he heard himself murmur, not able to even finish his breath before feeling her mouth on his.  He accepted her kiss greedily, without reservation, shoving all doubts from his mind as he wrapped his arms around her.  It may have been a long time since his last relationship, but he still knew how to seize such a golden, welcoming opportunity.

He broke away, lungs burning, as he felt her fingers curling into his hair at the nape of his neck.  There was a soft thump behind him as she dropped the spatula; for a moment, they could only stare at each other, chests heaving, their hearts beating rapidly in unison.  He held her close, one hand slipping under the hem of her shirt at her waist, the other curled into the soft space between her neck and her shoulder.  His eyes fell to her lips as he leaned in for another kiss, but something else caught his attention.  He turned his face slightly, taking a discreet sniff.

“Is something burning?” he wondered aloud.

Kagome’s expression shifted from sultry to surprise in two seconds flat.  “Ohmigod!” she cried, pulling out of his embrace, covering her mouth with her hands.  “The food!”  She turned on her heel and ran back to the kitchen, leaving him standing in the foyer, every single nerve in his body jangling on end.

He had a chance to truly catch his breath then, turning back to the hooks in the hallway.  Shit, he thought, struggling to get his heart rate back under control.  His mind was flooding with many different notions just then, but a clear and concise plan was not among them.  That kiss had unlocked even deeper hidden feelings, things he hadn’t felt in a truly long time, first and foremost among them –

God, he wanted her, and he wanted her badly, so much that he wasn’t entirely sure he’d be able to keep himself on guard if she tried to kiss him again – much less anything else.  Because kissing would lead to sex, which would lead to her heart being broken and then, perhaps, his.  He just couldn’t forget who she was, not entirely, not even enough to enjoy something he hadn’t even realized he’d been missing.

He squeezed his eyes shut, gripping one of the empty hooks by his head.  There’s no way this can end well, he realized morosely.  Either way, one of us – fuck, probably both of us – are going to get hurt.  He took a deep breath, steeling his spine.  So, make your choice, dammit.  You can head this off at the pass, before you get in too deep and contemplate ruining your life’s work, or…

“It’s ready,” Kagome called.  

He stood, frozen in his spot, his blood pounding in his ears, his knuckles white as he gripped the metal hook.  He heard her moving around the kitchen, setting the table, moving dishes.  After a long moment, he managed to compose himself, letting go of the hook, putting one foot in front of the other, his stride steady and languid as he walked through their tiny apartment.

Kagome stood in the doorway of the kitchen, her hands tucked behind her back as she met his gaze directly.  “I’m ready,” she said, a hint of nerves edging her tone.  

Am I? he wondered.

He cleared his throat, handing her the discarded spatula from before as he peeked into the kitchen.  “You made this yourself?” he asked, impressed at the spread that covered their table.

She tossed the dirty implement into the sink from across the room.  “I certainly did,” she replied with a laugh, taking his hand in both of her and leading him to the table.  “With a little help from the French restaurant down the street.”

He chuckled, and immediately felt the tension between them lift.  They settled into chairs opposite each other at the round table, falling into light conversation as they ate. They discussed their day – classes, professors, funny things that happen on the way to a thesis advisor’s office – and though he worked hard to keep up his side of the conversation, Sesshoumaru couldn’t help but retreat into his thoughts.  He observed her surreptitiously as she chattered away.  She was clad somewhat conservatively, in all black – though her top hugged her in all the right places – and she wore her hair loose, falling in soft waves over her shoulders.  She had a special glow about her, especially when she discussed topics that truly interested her – her smile grew bigger, her laughter more forthcoming, her eyes sparkling with mirth and pleasure.

He was happy to let her do most of the talking, and even happier when she made the first move, reaching for his hand across the table, her fingers resting lightly on his.  As he allowed himself to admire her beauty and engaging wit, albeit internally and entirely couched in the same impassive expression that he always wore, he also began to berate himself – for not seeing this side of her before, for not pursuing this avenue when it had first opened up...

As if being with her before realizing she could control his destiny would’ve made any difference.

The end result was always going to be the same – he was always going to apply for that job with her family’s company, and she was always going to sit on the board of directors.

Still, he couldn’t help but ponder whether the road to that inevitability would’ve been paved with a lot less guilt and self-loathing if this had happened in any other way.

He became so lost in his thoughts that he didn’t realize that their companionable silence had turned awkward.  She abruptly withdrew her hand from his, pushing back from the table and clearing their plates.  He poured himself another glass of wine as she moved stiffly from the table to the sink, stacking the dishes.

“Would you like some tea?” she asked, and that’s when he realized she was upset.

“Sure,” he replied, reaching over to refresh her wine as well.  He had a feeling they would both need a bit of fortification – the tension that had so swiftly returned to the room was thick enough to cut with a knife.

She kept her eyes on her kettle as the water heated, her stance defensive, her back to him – not that he minded so much, considering she was wearing that short little skirt…

As soon as the kettle whistled, she shut off the stove and gathered everything on a tray, bringing it back to the table.  She kept her eyes pointedly lowered as she went through the motions of making their tea.  She might have appeared intent to anyone else, but he could sense that her mind was preoccupied.  His internal alarm continued to grow perilously as he watched her; he grabbed her arm just as she reached for the hot kettle bare-handed.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, not entirely sure he wanted to know.

“I could ask you the same thing,” she replied, her lips quivering.  “What are you hiding from me?”

His heart stopped.

She took a deep, shuttering breath.  “I like you, Sesshoumaru,” she began.  “I really, really like you, and I want to make this work.”

He tightened his grip on her arm, sensing there was still more to come.  “…and?”

“And that’s just it!” she burst out, looking up at him accusingly as she pulled out of his hold.  “I’m giving this my all and it feels like you’re just absorbing it.  This is a two-way street, you know.”

She barreled on before he could respond.  “I know you have your doubts about me, but I also know that you like me, too, or at least find me attractive,” she huffed, absently fidgeting with the hem of her skirt.  “Maybe you think I can’t handle whatever it is you’re going through that’s kept you so preoccupied, but I promise you, I can.  I’ve been through a lot of shit in my life, from my dad dying to the mess that came afterwards – ”

She stopped herself, shaking her head vigorously.  “That’s not the point, sorry,” she continued after a moment.  “The point is – I’m a big girl, Sesshoumaru, and I can handle myself.”

“I know that,” he managed to cut in, his words bringing her up short.  She clamped her still-quivering lips together and looked at him, her eyes searching his face for any hint of reassurance, and his heart broke just a little bit.  She was already upset, and in this moment, he couldn’t bear the idea of adding to her pain.

A wave of total self-revulsion crashed through him.  I hate myself, he thought disgustedly, but I can’t do this to her.  We’ll just have to cross that bridge when we come to it.

Because right now, all he could think about was pulling her into his arms and soothing away her tears.

“I know you can handle this,” he repeated firmly.  “That’s not the problem.”  He took a deep breath.  “I have a lot on my mind right now, between my thesis, its impact on my future, and all of the resultant family drama…”

He reached for her hand, lacing their fingers together.  “I want this, too, Kagome.  Please, don’t ever doubt that,” he said directly, plainly.  “And that’s why I owe you a real apology.  I’m sorry for the things I’ve said to you, and for driving you away over winter break.  It was never my intention to hurt you.”

She nodded in response, giving his hand a grateful squeeze.  “Thank you,” she murmured.

He allowed a small smile to grace his features.  “Let’s just take things slow, okay?” he proposed.  “There’s no need to rush into anything just yet…”

She returned his smile as her shoulders relaxed, looking for all the world as if a weight had been lifted away.  “All right,” she agreed, her expression turning coy.  She took a step closer to him.  “I’ve never known you to be in a hurry for anything, anyway.”

He lifted an imperious brow.  “Oh no?” he mused, his gaze trailing down the length of her as she closed the space between them.

“Not that it bothers me,” she added with a playful shrug, letting go of his hand as she straddled him, settling into his lap with practiced ease.  “I like to be leisurely, too, especially when it comes to pleasurable endeavors.”

He felt his blood heat in his veins as she rested her elbows on his shoulders, her fingers drifting into his hair.  “And do you have something pleasurable in mind right now?” he wanted to know, feigning innocence as his hands skimmed over the planes of her back.

Her eyes filled with mirth and desire as she gazed down at him.  “Maybe,” she teased, lowering her lips to his.