InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Interludes ❯ We Are Confused ( Chapter 4 )

Chapter 4 - WE ARE CONFUSED

(Vol. 8, Scroll 10: Gentle Scent)

 

Kagome

 

Fatigue of every kind weighed me down and pulled me back to lean against InuYasha's warm back. He was so solid. Even the part of me that was still mad at him had to recognize how grateful I was that he was there. No matter what emotions seemed to be boiling up between us, we always seemed to be there for each other in the end. That kind of friendship felt good right now. And he had followed me around for the last hour or two trying to get my attention. He had admitted his guilt at causing Kikyo's death, which did explain his continued devotion to her dead form. He did seem to care that I was angry at him. He did actually say, “I apologize.”

 

As consciousness left me for sleep, the images of him tormentedly telling Kikyo how he still loved her (ok, he didn't say that, but we all knew that was what he meant), of his arms slipping around her waist, of his not pushing her away when she entrapped him with a kiss … these pictures swam in my head and made my heart ache. She was so beautiful, so womanly. As they had stood together under that tree, glowing eerily in her demons' light, they looked like they belonged together. Their hair, their robes, their shared memories all seemed in perfect balance, seemed natural.

 

But it wasn't natural for such a vibrantly alive soul like InuYasha to cleave to such a dead heart as Kikyo's. I didn't really know what Kikyo had been to him, but I did sense what he was becoming to me, and his energetic aliveness was just too important to me to give up without a fight. Even if it wasn't important to him right now, I knew he would regret it if he gave in to her desire. And I would regret it too.

 

He seemed to acknowledge our growing bond, too. But he had called me names, pushed me away. He kept making me use the Oswari! on him, too, the idiot. Maybe this bond was my imagination and he was just too selfish to let me stay mad at him; too concerned with himself to look like “the bad guy”. But he did say I was not just a replacement for Kikyo in his life. His words seemed sincere. I was Kagome to him … oh, I was so confused.

 

Strong, he leans into me.

Finally, I rest.

Silent, I hope.

 

Soon, it might all make sense.

Or not, and we drift

Still unresolved.

 

 

InuYasha

 

Her gentle scent wrapped around me, soothing my agitated state. She leaned into me and was still. I dared to breath a sigh of relief that she had finally stopped running away from me.

 

“Kagome, I …,” I hesitated, not quite sure what words would come out. The last few hours had been so confusing. I was still not sure what had happened between Kikyo and me. Or between Kikyo and Kagome. Or between Kagome and me. The words kept coming, and I was surprised to hear myself say, “I like it when I'm with you. Somehow … I feel calmer.”

 

I twisted my neck around to see her head slip slightly to the side. “Kagome?” No response, but a soft regular breath. She was asleep!

 

For a moment, I was angry that she had not heard the things I had said to calm her - to calm both of us. But then I relaxed into her delicate weight. She was tired, we both were. My eyes drifted along the lines of the hillside, the puffy trees and the clouds that came down to meet them. I could smell Miroku's fire and food. I had no desire to eat. I let drowsiness wash over me, but it couldn't push away all the jumbled feelings that bubbled up at every thought of Kikyo.

 

Twice she had died, or so I thought, tortured by her belief that I had betrayed her. I understood that torture, for I had carried it within my own heart until recently. But once I had learned of Naraku's twisted treachery, I thought I had found the way to heal the guilt I still carried for my part in her death. Vengeance against him was all I could do for Kikyo - and for my own injustice so long ago. It was long ago, at least to everyone else. Fifty years. But those fifty years had gone by in an afternoon's nap for me. While the rest of the world had healed, grown new life over old scars, I had not healed at all. Kikyo's - no, Naraku's - betrayal felt like yesterday to me, as it probably did to her as well. Would we need another fifty years in this world to truly heal the wounds inflicted on us?

 

My eyes popped open and adrenaline flowed through my body. I hadn't told her! I hadn't told her about Naraku! No wonder she still hated me!

 

Kagome shifted and I gently lowered her to the ground. Looking at her peaceful face, I wondered, did you tell Kikyo about Naraku? Was Kikyo to be forgiven for enchanting me and trying to drag me to death in her ignorance of the truth, or had she done it anyway, even after Kagome told her? Would I hate her if she had? Damn it!

 

I rose to walk away from the smell of roasting meat. I needed to be away. Climbing a tree, I made sure I could still see Kagome's green skirt in the grass and leaned back to look out at the sky.

 

I had come so close to reaching an uneasy peace. The search for the jewel moved me towards my goal. My vengeance against Naraku began to help heal my unseen wounds. These tasks and my new companions diverted my anger and pain to more constructive things. Kagome - I glanced at her again to see her stretch in her sleep - she made me feel like the things I did mattered. I was coming to respect her quiet strength and giving heart, although I still wasn't used to it and I was continually surprised at how much she seemed to care what I thought about her. Of course, she still didn't hesitate to give me an Oswari! at the slightest provocation. I had to snicker a little at that thought. Kagome's power over me, symbolized by the beads but rapidly becoming more than that, was playing itself out through our test of wills. Most of the time it just pissed me off, but when I thought about it, our ongoing battle for the Most Stubborn award was indeed an integral part of that uneasy peace I had begun to value.

 

And now that peace, that healing turn my life had begun to take, had been shattered again. Kikyo was still in the world. Hurt and unappeased. Would my revenge against Naraku heal her too? Could it be that simple? I thought back on her hand as it touched my face. So cold and in contrast to the longing in her eyes. As she kissed me and held me to her I smelled the irreversible change death had lain upon her. She does not live. She does not want the things living beings do - to grow, to change, to love. It can never be as it might have been between us. My memory faded from that moment … Kikyo's hand and her eyes.

 

Kagome had told me Kikyo tried to kill me. Does she love me as her kiss would tell, or hate me as her spell almost did?

 

And Kagome, did she save me yet again?

 

 

 

Kikyo

 

My excitement rose as I felt your weight slump into my arms. For one so strong, you were light as your head rested on my shoulder. Since my resurrection, I had done nothing but dwell on your betrayal, my anger that you lived, my sorrow at the life we had lost. Now that you were there with me, in my arms, I found it hard to maintain my anger. You were different than I remembered. Gentle. Forgiving. Loving. I expected you to be angry, to try to kill me again. I hadn't expected it to be so easy to seduce you. But now it was done. Finally, we could have peace. We could die together as it was meant to be. Such a goal would never have occurred to me when I lived, but I lived no more. Death was now my blessing, and it would be yours too. We would be together again.

 

The girl's screams barely reached me, but suddenly her voice rang through clear and loud, “you're wrong to hate InuYasha! Fifty years ago someone tricked you and InuYasha into turning on each other! His name is Naraku. He is your true enemy!”

 

Despite my effort to ignore her cries, I couldn't help but pause as this information took on meaning. We were tricked? What does that mean? Am I wrong to hate you so? Was it truly not your fault? The earth buckled under us and I felt the darkness I had called dragging us down. My spirit was so tired, I sagged towards the chasm pulling you with me. Soon it would all be over and done - we could both rest together.

 

“Vengeance alone will not resurrect me,” I told the girl wearily.

 

The look in her eye changed as she screamed, “get your bloody hands off him!” I felt the tentative grip on the dead souls that sustained me shiver and shift until some broke loose. She was doing it to me again, she was calling the life from my gravesoil form. I was losing focus. My grip was so weak that as you roused and ran to release her from my soul skimmers, I could not even reach out to you.

 

A horrible thought struck me and I asked you, “is that girl more precious to you?” I did not want to know the answer and you did not want to give it. My soul skimmers lifted me up, instinctively realizing I must flee. The look on your face as you called my name and your eyes followed my ascent was unfathomable. Confusion and sadness, surprise and … anger?

 

I was losing consciousness, but I needed you to know, “there was no lie in my kiss.” Your face blurred as darkness encased me.

 

I am sad

To know the chasm still is wide

Yawning out below us dark and deep.

 

It must end

Yet I will not die alone again.

We must meet our new end together.