InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Of Gods and Monsters ❯ Chapter 34: What is Enough? ( Chapter 34 )

A/N: Forgive me the self-indulgently long A/N -- got a couple things to get out real quick. Okay, so... I finished the chapter ahead of schedule. This doesn't happen often, especially what with muses going on strike and all. And, see, I'm horrifically impatient, so while I normally like to update on Fridays, I've been telling myself that I'm not going to have time to update on Friday, since the Thanksgiving weekend is notortiously busy for me. So, y'all get a chapter ahead of schedule.

Thanks to Merith for the beta as well as for telling me about the Teflon sale (I've resurfaced myself, honey), big hugs to Everstar for... well, really. For being Everstar. Like she needs any more reason? More ofuda for Kat's laptop, and thanks to Kat for clearing up the question of plurality in Japanese nouns. Oh, and thanks to Nanda for helping me with Jaken.

Okay. Here we go. *Niamh mutters a quick prayer up to the gods of Teflon and Asbestos*

Chapter 34: What is Enough?

The love we share
Seems to go nowhere
And I've lost my light
For I toss and turn I can't sleep at night

For a being who had spent the better part of the past two centuries living in a cavern, Teles found that she was coming to despise stone walls.

She stood at one end of the chamber, glaring at the room and all its contents. The futon and its linens were still mussed; multicolored swaths of silk spewed out from the trunk, various kimono spreading outward appearing as if the chest were merely incapable of containing them all. Her anger, her disgust, her frustration all slowly mounting, the former goddess walked from one end of the room to the other. Her steps were slow, her pacing methodical, and while it looked like she wasn't concentrating on anything in particular, her gaze took in every stick of furniture, from the low table to the intricately carved sword rack that so often held Tenseiga and Toukijin while Sesshoumaru slept.

His possessions, all of them. The rice paper wall hangings, the tatami mats, even the single, single delicate orchid in a bamboo vase, placed precisely in the center of the low table -- all his. The things in this room -- throughout the entire den -- were possessions, nothing more.

'You will no longer leave the den. For any reason.'

Teles' jaw tightened; she was no possession and would not be treated as such.

She paced the length of the room several more times before stopping by the low table, its dark wood polished to a high sheen. Contemplatively, she picked up the bamboo vase, tilting her head a bit as she examined the delicate bloom it held. Her eyes drifted to the hard wooden vase, taking in the slight imperfections before narrowing to green slits.

"What kind of primordial backwater am I stuck in where there's nothing to break?" She turned suddenly, hurling the bamboo vase hard against the wall. It hit and fell to the floor with an unsatisfying clatter, water splashing and spreading outward to soak a nearby tatami mat. The orchid, its petals bruised, lay limply, halfway out of the vase. Normally she would have been concerned that the noise would have brought her mate to their chambers, but she had heard Sesshoumaru leave not long after their... confrontation, after he'd left the room to check after Rin. He was gone. Again.

"So, this is how it is to be, is it?" she mused aloud to the empty room. I am to be a prisoner here? I am to supply my mate with whatever he desires? Am I to be reduced thus? After a moment, she shook her head slowly. I think not.

She gazed again at the hated pile of clothing on the futon. Her hands curled into fists as she thought about the expression in his eyes when he'd looked at her. Gone was everything she'd ever associated with Sesshoumaru -- flashes of wry humor, respect, even what she'd come to recognize as affection were all absent from those golden eyes. No matter what she did, she could not please him. In fact, as Teles gave the situation more and more consideration, she slowly became sure that even following the rules he'd set before her would not please him.

Why? Why was she completely incapable of doing what he seemed to want?

She had at first thought that perhaps her human form disgusted him. But after this most recent encounter, that no longer seemed the case. Indeed, had she truly revolted him, she could find no excuse for the hunger in his kiss, his seeking hands, even the soft nuzzling at her shoulder as they'd lain in silence after the fact. But if not disgust, then what? Teles closed her eyes and pressed a hand to her forehead; the most obvious possibility loomed before her. Every creature -- animals, gods, men, demons -- required physical release. She was, if nothing else, a convenient outlet for such physical needs. The knowledge left her feeling ill -- that he would touch her simply for the sake of convenience.

But he had touched her at no other time; they'd had only the single encounter in the space of six weeks. There appeared to be no other explanation.

Kagome's words, almost forgotten, flew through Teles' mind suddenly, taunting her with their accuracy, and cold tendrils of betrayal curled around the woman's heart as she recalled them. '...Sesshoumaru hates humans. ... We're like insects - nothing more than something to crush when the whim hits him...'

"Something to crush, or something to use. It seems to me there is little difference," the former goddess murmured softly, suddenly feeling foolish for opening herself to him so readily. She herself had been starving for his touch -- she'd accepted it willingly, even eagerly. He had become something more to her -- something more than the object of fascination he'd been when she'd first noticed him. And she hated that he seemed to have the power to reduce her thus.

Perhaps -- perhaps she'd been mistaken; perhaps she should have acquiesced to the rules of the elders. Perhaps...

She then felt a gentle flutter -- far gentler than she had since turning human -- and looked down at her distended stomach. She felt the life of the child within her and exhaled softly. I have waited too long already for your arrival, little one. Had I never met that youkai, I would not have you.

Gently stroking her stomach, she strode slowly towards the futon, eyes staring unseeingly at the many multicolored kimono and obi. She picked one of the silken garments up, her fingers trailing the embroidery. It passed through her fingers like water and she dropped it back onto the pile. She hated them, every last shred of linen and silk. She wanted to tear them apart and hurl them at Sesshoumaru, unleashing her anger on him like one might a ferocious dog. Teles' hands found one of the long sashes that went around her waist. She wrapped each end around her hands, winding the material tightly until her fingers went white while Sesshoumaru's voice taunted her memories.

'You slept with a baser creature, shaming yourself and your heritage, risking the only chance you had to return to your own kind? What were you thinking? Are you insane? Why would you run that risk?'

"Why indeed?" she murmured, letting the material flutter soundlessly back onto the pile. "Why did I run such a risk?" Indeed, she had no sensible, coherent answer for herself. She instead found herself remembering what he'd said to her so long ago -- she could almost see him standing on the beach, staring out at the water as he said the words; he hadn't been able to look at her then. She hadn't realized how true his words had been, but she understood now. Something had taken hold of her; she'd always believed herself to be whole, complete -- she was herself, she needed no other. It had been that way for thousands of years.

But now -- now her skin knew the touch of his; her flesh knew his flesh. Now there was an emptiness -- an aching, empty abyss -- that was not filled without her mate. She could feel the void, and the ache had only gotten worse as Sesshoumaru's distance had increased.

He had done this to her. He had reduced her to this. And now, for whatever reason, he wanted nothing to do with her.

Well, nothing except that.

She sighed hard, turning away from the clothing on the bed. Clearly, whether it had something to do with her transformation or if some other reason was the motivation, something was wrong with Sesshoumaru. Something was instigating this bizarre, irrational behavior. But Teles knew not what it might have been.

She did, however, know the chances of him telling her, were she to ask, were about as good Hera welcoming Teles back to Olympus, demanding a festival be held in her honor.

The pup gave another gentle flutter and she placed a hand at the base of her abdomen, feeling the movement under her palm as well as inside of her. Grinding her teeth in thought for a few seconds, Teles expelled a breath, shaking her head. If she were to approach him with inquiries about what his problem might have been, she had a fair idea the amount of cajoling it would take to coax the explanation out of him. He was not a being who expressed himself freely -- such an endeavor would take patience.

More patience than she possessed.

The solution to the situation struck Teles with such force, she felt it like a blow: she needed to leave.

She could not live under these conditions any longer -- she could not continue to wonder what had possessed her mate and whether he would overcome his problems on his own. She could not tolerate his behavior, his derision any longer. She loved him, yes, with every shred of her being, but it wasn't enough merely to love him; that alone would not provide an instant, magical solution for her problem. If love were the answer, the problem would have been solved already -- many times over. No, leaving was the only solution. There had to be somewhere in these lands she could go where he could not find her.

Teles rolled her eyes almost immediately. Yes, brilliant plan. Because this is not the same youkai who spent six moons searching for you -- extending that search to remote islands. The youkai who, in fact, found you after such a search.

Running an impatient hand through her hair, the former goddess paused before one of the wall hangings, staring absently at the mountainous landscape captured on the rice paper. Surely there had to be a place where he could not follow. He could not possibly know every inch of this island -- could he?

With a sigh, Teles realized, yes, he could.

The pup pushed against the walls of her womb suddenly, sending a sharp jolt of pain through her abdomen. Suppressing the wince to the best of her ability, she put a hand on the lower part of her stomach and started massaging the spot where the pain originated. "I know," she murmured softly. "But between the two of us, certainly we can figure something out." The pup gave a weaker kick, which Teles took as tacit encouragement. "I refuse to let you grow up under these circumstances. He may treat me this way, but he will not treat you this way."

She stopped pacing suddenly, the realization dawning on her. Inuyasha.

"Well, he did say he'd help," she mused. "And, little one, I believe you are in need of some assistance."

While it was not a short walk to the village, if she managed to leave soon, she could probably get there before it got too dark to see. Teles was only marginally sure of the route, having only heard Inuyasha and his companions discuss their return trip the other night, but was fairly sure she could find her way there. It mattered not to the former goddess whether the village was a mere stone's throw from the den or whether it was a trek through rocky, mountainous terrain; she absolutely refused to stay in this den another minute.

Her mind made up, Teles strode purposefully to the open trunk; it had been growing cooler and cooler, and if she were going to attempt such a journey, she would need to remain warm while doing so. She rifled through the trunk before finding a heavier kimono. Pursing her lips, she pulled the garment on over the one she already wore and continued looking in the trunk for something else that could serve as a wrap. She found nothing of the sort, but her search did yield sandals and strange, woven foot-coverings. Though the process was neither short nor easy, she managed to pull the coverings on her feet before sliding into the sandals. Nodding once to herself, Teles crept to the sliding door separating the bedchamber from the rest of the den. Pushing it open, she listened carefully. The den was comfortably silent, so she slipped into the hall, making her way to the main room where she knew the fire would be blazing warmly.

The only obstacle, as far as she could see, was the toad youkai that stood between her and freedom. Although, privately Teles frequently wondered what, exactly, the little imp could do to stop her. She had already decided that she would not be spending another moment in this den, and there was very little Jaken could do about it.

Teles found the toad much where she'd expected to find him -- before the fire. A sly smile lit her lips for a moment before vanishing into a practiced neutral expression. Inclining her head regally, she regarded the youkai. "Jaken," she said coolly.

The youkai jumped slightly, scrambling to his feet and facing her. Bulbous eyes blinked once, then twice. "Yes, my lady?" he asked, Sesshoumaru-sama's most recent reprimands about treating his mate with respect still stinging him.

"I find that I have appetite. I have been instructed to notify you of the fact."

The youkai nodded, his small shoulders sagging in relief. His lord would be glad to hear that his mate had regained her appetite; he'd seemed quite adamant that she eat -- preferably before his return. That she was requesting food now made Jaken's job easier later. "Excellent, my lady. And what do you require?" The easiest thing, of course, would have been fish; the stream was still full of them, and Jaken was fairly skilled at catching the slippery creatures.

"I desire rabbit," she said simply.

Jaken stilled. "R-rabbit? But we have no rabbit," he replied.

Teles gave a small shrug of her shoulders. "I was only instructed to tell you what I desired Jaken. I'm sure the woods are teeming with rabbit."

Giving the fire a longing glance, Jaken turned once more to Teles. "Th-the woods, my lady? You wish for m-me to hunt for you?" Fish were one thing, but small, quick, furry beasts, on the other hand, were a completely different matter.

"That depends," she said airily. "Do you wish for me to tell Sesshoumaru that you did not wish to venture out in search of rabbit for his mate?"

Jaken opened his mouth to reply, then snapped it shut. He most certainly did not want his lord to hear such a thing. "Very well," he sighed out, resigned. He didn't want to give up his cozy, warm spot by the fire to venture out into the fading day just to find some fuzzy little creature, which he would then have to skin and roast for her. But he would much rather do all of that than face his Sesshoumaru-sama's wrath should he hear that Jaken had refused this troublesome female anything. Sighing again, he waddled off in search of some of his thicker robes before heading out into the woods. Once outside, he gave a shiver, huddling further into his cloak. Well, he grumbled silently, at least Sesshoumaru-sama will be glad to hear that his mate is acting more like herself, if nothing else. Pernicious female. I knew it was all a little too good to last.

Teles stood at the mouth of the den, watching the small youkai shuffle off into the forest. Once the toad's figure disappeared into the shadow of trees and foliage, she made a move to step out of the den, stopping suddenly. Her chest contracted painfully and she shook her head. "No," she breathed. "Not like this." Immediately she turned and strode back into the den, heading through the various halls before stopping at an almost-closed sliding door. Pushing it open and peering inside, she saw the reason for her hesitation; Rin lay curled on her side, napping peacefully after what Teles was fairly sure was a long day of play outside.

The former goddess entered the room quietly, carefully kneeling at the side of the futon before reaching out and running her fingers through the girl's silken hair. Rin sighed and smiled, snuggling further under her blankets and Teles pulled her hand away, her throat closing with tears. Sighing, she looked away, her eyes falling on the shiny clasp she'd given Rin -- it felt like a lifetime ago. The girl wore it everyday without fail, placing it carefully on a small table beside her when she slept. Alongside the brooch were the golden combs that she'd also given the child. Swallowing hard against the ache in her throat, Teles picked up the clasp, turning it over in her hands. After a moment of this, she leaned over and gently attached the clasp to the front of Rin's kimono. Once she was done, gazed down at the sleeping girl once more before dropping a soft kiss against her forehead.

"I hope you can forgive me, Rin-chan," she whispered. Carefully, Teles began to push herself to her feet before stopping suddenly. There, beside the child's futon, was a small stack of paper with a box of Kagome's "crayons" weighing it down. Tilting her head, Teles set the box aside and picked up the sheets. The former goddess' shoulders slumped a bit when she realized that she was looking at some of the many drawings Rin had been working so diligently on. Sending the girl one last look, Teles removed a few of the sheets from the stack, folding them neatly and tucking them into her obi before pushing herself to her feet and padding out of the chamber. The den was protected; Rin would be safe until Jaken returned.

The walk to the mouth of the den was a short one. Teles paused on the threshold only a moment before stepping into the fading sunlight. Closing her eyes, she inhaled deeply, letting her lungs fill with the scent of the crisp autumnal air. Then, squaring her shoulders, she started walking in the same direction she'd seen Inuyasha and the others head earlier that morning. Her steps were slow, but it didn't take long for the den to disappear from sight -- particularly since she never looked back.

Several hours later, the sun had disappeared behind the mountains. The air was dry and cold, and as Teles continued walking, her breath puffed out before her. She would have seen the misty clouds of white steam, had there been light enough to see. As it was, she was trying to navigate her steps with only the light of the waning moon to guide her. It shone above, a slender smile, its scant light offering only a nominal amount of illumination.

Pausing for a moment to catch her breath, the former goddess leaned against a tree, closing her eyes, trying to keep the panic at bay. The warmth of the layered clothing was keeping her from getting too cold, even though her legs ached. Her progress had been annoyingly slow, and the extra weight she carried had never seemed so very heavy as it did right then. But it was neither the chill, nor the fact that her legs seemed to insist that they absolutely refused to take another step that sent dread creeping down Teles' spine. It wasn't even the sneaking suspicion that she was lost beyond comprehension that frightened her.

It was the fact that even if she could turn around at that moment and return to the den -- find the den -- she wouldn't. She couldn't return to Sesshoumaru. Not now.

Perhaps he could manage to forgive her for leaving -- perhaps. It was possible, if not plausible, that he could forgive her for tricking Jaken, for running away like she had. But once he found out why she'd returned, he would kill her without compunction.

Her breath hitching in a dry sob, Teles' hands spread across the base of her stomach. She closed her eyes, concentrating, trying to feel something as she mentally pleaded with whatever god or goddess might have been listening that what she felt -- or was not feeling -- was not the truth.

Her child was not moving; he had not, in fact, moved in quite some time. The realization had been gradual, but with every step Teles had taken, she had begun to notice that there were no more twinges of pain, that she could no longer feel the constant, restless shifting of the child she held within her. All was still within her, save for the frantic pounding of her own heart.

Tears spilling over, Teles pushed off of the tree and continued walking, no longer caring in what direction her steps took her. It no longer mattered where she went, or where she ended up. Sesshoumaru would find her, and he would figure out what she had done to the pup. And then he would kill her.

Don't touch me please
I cannot stand the way you tease
I love you though you hurt me so
Now I'm going to pack my things and go

~ Lyrics by Soft Cell, "Tainted Love"