MegaMan NT Warrior (Rockman) Fan Fiction ❯ Rockman 1: The Way Things Really Went ❯ Chapter 1

ROCKMAN 1/MEGA MAN 1

A PARODY BY MARISA MOCKERY

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Once upon a time, in a far, far, far away alternate universe (around 20XX) there were two bored scientists.

SCIENTIST #1: Hey, you know, I am really, really bored. Want to make eight androids, six of which if they were reprogrammed could wreak great havoc, but of course will only be used for good?

SCIENTIST #2: Sounds good to me.

So Thing One-I mean, Scientist #1 and Scientist #2 introduced themselves to the audience-

SCIENTIST #1: …we haven't done that yet.

Ah. Well. Do that then.

SCIENTIST #1: My name is Dr. Thomas Light. Did you know that in Japanese, the "L" and "R" are combined into one sound, making my name either Dr. Light or Dr. Right? Not that this has anything to do with the plot.

SCIENTIST #2: of course it doesn't. I'm Dr. Albert Wily, and just as Dr. Light's name has nothing whatsoever to do with his position in the plot, neither does mine. After all, I am perfectly sane, and very straight forward.

Now that we have that cleared up, the two scientists-

DR. WILY: who are perfectly sane-

Yes, who are perfectly sane, decide to build their robots.

DR. WILY: And damn dangerous ones too.

DR. LIGHT: Not that our robots are going to be used to hurt people!

DR. WILY: …of course not.

So, Dr. Wily and Dr. Light build eight robots. The first is Cutman, a stupid-looking 'bot-

CUTMAN: HEY!

Well, you are. Anyway-

CUTMAN: *sniff* that's not very nice. *wailing* I'M GOING TO MY TRAILER!! *SLAM*

…Right then. Anyway, they build Cutman, a weird robot with scissors stuck to his head which he uses to cut trees down, Gutsman, a massive, gorilla-like 'bot built for construction, Bombman, a fat…thing who apparently clears the land with his explosives, Iceman, a short Eskimo dude who can live in sub artic temperatures, Fireman, a big, red robot that burns stuff…apparently with his head, since it's on fire, and Elecman, who is basically a walking powerplant.

ELECMAN: Yeah, you all know I'm the best. I can fry the brains outta all of you!

ALL: ……………….*clear throats*

Oh yeah, and they build two lab assistants named Rock and Roll, no pun intended, really. Rock is a short, black-haired-blue-eyed kid and Roll is a blonde, and both look to be about ten.

ROLL: Why can't I at least look like a TEENAGER?!

DR. LIGHT: …because this game was designed for kids, back before sexy women wearing bikinis was considered fashionable.

ROLL: *swears*

ANYWAY, all is well in the world as the robots do exactly what they are supposed to do. Then, suddenly…

DR. WILY: Bwahahahaha! I LIED WHEN I SAID I WAS PERFECTLY SANE!! BETCHA NEVER SAW THAT ONE COMING, FOO'!!

ROCK: …actually, yeah, we did. We just couldn't do anything about it because we need an excuse to turn me into a battle robot so people can have fun blowing up things.

DR. WILY: …ah. Well then. I'm just going to take the six COOL robots and be on my merry way.

ROCK: you do that.….HEY! Are you saying I'm not cool?!

But Dr. Wily has already taken the robots (including Cutman, who until then had been hiding in his trailer) and left to take over the world. Rock, royally pissed at being dissed, makes his "father"-

DR. LIGHT: that would be me.

Yes, Dr. Light, it IS you. Anyway, Rock makes his "father" turn him into a battle robot, armed with flimsy, goofy-looking armor and an arm cannon.

ROLL: Wait! I want to fight too! I want to fight too!

ROCK: Sorry, sis, it's a one-player-only game. Besides, girls stay home, don't you know that?

ROLL: *glower*

ROCK: …er, I'll be on my way then, shall I?

Rock escapes before Roll kills him and goes to fight Dr. Wily, who magically got a Skull Castle thingy during the past few days. Or whatever.

DR. WILY: I'm just cool like that, you know?

Yes, we all know. Anyway, Rock-

ROCK: Just to let the American Dub folks know, this is where I officially get named "Mega Man."

But since I don't like that name, Mega Man dies.

ROCK: …gee, thanks.

Don't mention it.

ROCK: …I'll just go kill my robotic brothers then, shall I?

Rock - now named Rockman to show he fights people - proceeds to kick metallic ass. When he finally reaches Wily's inner sanctum (after beating a big yellow blob called the Yellow Devil and a holographic clone and other cool stuff) he finds Dr. Wily waiting for him.

DR. WILY: It would really make more sense for me to go hide in the woods or something, but I figure this'll be more fun.

ROCKMAN: …Um. Yeah. *clears throat* Anyway, I'm here to kick your ass.

DR. WILY: BWAHAHAHAHA! You just try that, young Padawan!

Dr. Wily then proceeds to do his best to whup Rockman's buttocks. (That sounds wrong somehow.) However, Rockman has this magical ability that I forgot to mention that lets him pick up the abilities of the robots he destroyed, and uses these abilities to whup Dr. Wily.

DR. WILY: ...Oh, nutbunnies.

Then, because Dr. Wily is an idiot and apparently can't wire Skull Castles worth crud, the Castle explodes after he loses.

DR. WILY: *Terminator* I'll be back!

ROCKMAN: …damn.

With that, Rock walks home, thinking about how he's now fated to destroy big boss robots (which after this are named Robot Masters) for the next thirty games or so, counting all the spinoff series that will be based off the original.

ROCK: …why me?

CAPCOM: Because you make us money.

ROCK: …damn.

End.

Seriously. That's it. STOP READING!

February 2004