Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction ❯ Only In Your Eyes Am I Worthy ❯ Odi et Amo: I Hate and I Love ( Chapter 20 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Evangelion: Only In Your Eyes Am I Worthy

Author's Note: I told you I was evil. Muahahah! Oh, and a note about the chapter title, it comes from a Catullus poem (latin poet). The poem is:

Odi et amo. Quare id faciam, fortasse requiris?

Nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.

It translates as: I hate and I love. Why do I do it, perchance you might ask?

I don't know, but I feel it happening to me and I'm burning up.

As an added note: it seems strange that Rei had to do sync testing since at this point her Eva was destroyed but… she had to do it in the show too, so who am I to argue with Anno-san?

Required Disclaimer: Still no own. Still no money. Too evil for a conscience. I think I might just have some jelly donuts around here now, however… Enjoy and ponder on the glory of GAINAX! And stuff.

Chapter 20: Odi et Amo: I Hate and I Love

Shinji was underneath one of the rarely used metal staircases in NERV, shivering and crying. In his mind, he kept hearing his father's words over and over again. “You died, Shinji. You were cloned from Adam… You died, Shinji… You died, Shinji… You died. You were cloned. You died. You DIED.”

“NOO!” The third child screamed, covering his ears in a futile attempt to block out the voice in his head. He shook his head violently, but it didn't help. “How… how can I be… no wonder I'm so fucked up.” Shinji sobbed, pulling his knees up under his chin and burying his face into his crossed arms. He felt unnaturally cold, and he wasn't sure why.

After what seemed an eternity later, he felt a cool gentle touch on his shoulder. “Shinji-kun?” A gentle voice inquired.

“DON'T TOUCH ME!” The blue-eyed boy cried, violently tearing himself away from the foreign touch.

“If that is your desire.” The same gentle voice stated.

<Familiar… voice.> Shinji blinked and looked up into the gentle eyes of Ayanami Rei. “Ayanami?” He inquired, rubbing at his tear-filled eyes because he didn't trust them.

The first child knelt down on her knees, resting back on her heels to look into the boy's face. “Have I… offended you, Shinji-kun? Am I no longer worthy of your… friendship?”

The third child let out a strangled sigh and shook his head, tears still catching in his throat. “No! Gomen, Rei-chan. I… can't think straight. I can't think at all.”

Rei tilted her head slightly to the side curiously. “What is this feeling? Is this… sadness? Your father's words were not kind?”

Shinji took several long deep breaths, attempting to calm down enough to think clearly and communicate. Part of him wanted to run away, forget about being an Eva pilot, forget about being a clone… forget that he died. But he also desperately wanted to talk to Rei. He shook his head, then took another deep breath and let it out slowly. “I… am not spontaneously generating an S2 organ. I have… always had it.”

Rei fixed her gaze up at the top of the staircase for a few moments. A moment later, the sound of footsteps receding from the two pilots was heard, along with Ode to Joy being hummed. The blue-haired girl almost frowned then turned her attention back to her fellow pilot. “But that would mean… you are a clone? Like me?”

Shinji nodded and started sobbing again.

Ayanami blinked, unsure of why the boy was so distressed. She had grown accustomed to the information, it didn't bother her anymore, if it ever had to begin with. “Why do you cry, Shinji-kun?”

Unit 01's pilot turned his head away from the girl sheepishly, feeling ashamed for his tears. “It means I died, Rei-chan.”

Rei considered that. She still occasionally had bad dreams about when Naoko Akagi strangled her former self to death. Now she understood why he was upset. “I am sorry, Shinji-kun.” She stated honestly.

Shinji shook his head, turning his tear-stained gaze upon the blue-haired beauty. “It's not your fault, Rei-chan.”

“Yes, it is.” The red-eyed girl admitted.

The third child blinked in surprise, wiping the tears almost forcefully out of his eyes. “What? I don't understand.”

Rei was silent for a few moments in thought, and then shook her head once. “Neither do I.”

Shinji's eyes narrowed slightly, a touch of suspicion creeping into his mind. “Rei-chan… do you know how I died?”

Ayanami shook her head once. “I do not.”

“And you didn't know I was a clone?” He pressed.

“I…” Rei paused thoughtfully, before continuing. “I did not until you informed me.”

Shinji sighed and ran his hands over his face, trying to clear his thoughts which were now becoming murkier by the moment. “Do you know anything I don't?” He kept the accusation out of his tone, because he felt it was unjustified, despite the girl's earlier mysterious admission.

The first child considered that, and was silent for several minutes. Then she formed a hypothesis that seemed worth sharing. “I believe your death and subsequent cloning was some time after my own.”

The third child regarded the girl curiously. “Why do you say that? Do you remember something?”

Rei shook her head once. “No. But my S2 organ is large, and I am missing all of my internal reproductive organs to make room for it. Yours, however, is small, and is either incorporated into or replacing a vestigial organ. The process seems more… refined in you.”

Shinji considered that, but an alternate scenario came into his mind. “It's also possible that my S2 organ was an unexpected outcome of my cloning and when you were cloned afterwards, they refined the process to make your S2 organ larger and more useful.”

A touch of a smile came to Ayanami's lips. “You are assuming that size matters, in this scenario.”

The third child blushed. He could have argued that she assumed it didn't, but he was too embarrassed by where his thoughts went to say that. Instead, a change of subject seemed in order, because he didn't want to think about his death and rebirth anymore. “Rei-chan… is it true that Nagisa is your brother?”

Rei actually seemed surprised by the abrupt change of subject, or possibly the subject itself. “Is that what he said?” The girl inquired, rather than answer right away.

Shinji nodded. “Hai. He said he was your older brother.”

The first child considered that in silence for an uncomfortably long time before responding. “I am not sure. He did seem rather… comfortable, calling me sister, however.”

The blue-eyed boy looked down at his hands, feeling a little self-conscious with how he must look from all the weeping. “Ah… so it's true that you have not met him before yesterday?”

The red-eyed girl nodded once. “Hai, that is true. However…” She paused in thought.

Shinji looked up at her in interest. “However?”

Ayanami shook her head once, expressing her uncertainty. “I think, perhaps, he might be like us.”

Shinji's eyes widened in surprise. <How many people have NERV cloned?!> “Like us? You mean… a clone?”

“I am not certain.” Rei responded evenly.

The third child fell silent once more for a while, but then a question came to his mind. “When did… when did your S2 organ become active? When I first met you, you were injured. And… you did not seem to recover any faster than a normal person.”

If the blue-haired girl was offended by the boy implying she wasn't normal, she didn't show it. “It was some time after we battled the seventh angel.”

“Oh… when we had to synchronize?” Shinji inquired in an awed tone.

Rei remained silent.

The young Ikari fell silent again as well, until another question came to him. “If you and I were cloned… and possibly Nagisa as well… why couldn't my father have cloned Suzahara? Why is he still dead?!” Though he wouldn't say it aloud to the soft-spoken girl, he hated his father now more than ever. A feat he thought was impossible, until now.

The first child considered that, but she wasn't sure the boy would like the answer. “Perhaps it was because with his Eva unit irreparably damaged, his usefulness was at an end.” When his expression became horrified, she offered an alternate hypothesis. “Or perhaps it was because there would have been no way to explain the reappearance of the fourth child. If it became widespread knowledge that a deceased human could be brought back to life, body and soul, everyone would want their loved ones returned.”

Shinji scowled and looked away from the girl. “What's wrong with that?” His thoughts fell to his mother, though his father told him there had been nothing left of her to clone. If there had been, he knew he would have done everything he could to bring her back. After he came to that conclusion, he realized his father likely would have as well. <So it's true then… there was nothing left. Mother…>

Rei turned her gaze to the general location of Commander Ikari, up in his office, as she spoke to his son. “I do not know what is involved in the cloning process, the cost, or the true effect it has on the clone. Perhaps… it is best if we are the only ones.”

The young Ikari considered that. <Was I happy, once? Was I always this lonely? This afraid? Was Ayanami always so quiet and reserved? Was she always this lonely, also? Perhaps… perhaps it is best.> He nodded, but could agree out loud. He wasn't sure if he really did agree, but he was willing to admit that without all the facts, which he would be unlikely to ever get, he couldn't really make that decision.

The red-eyed girl regarded the boy curiously and inquired, “Shinji-kun? Is your heart at peace now?”

Shinji wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry in response. So he answered honestly. “No.”

Rei gave him a look that was almost sad. Other than the time she was angry with him and slapped him, or when she smiled at him after their first Eva battle together, it was the most expressive the third child had ever seen her, and it broke his heart. “I will protect you, Shinji-kun.” The girl reaffirmed softly.

The blue-eyed boy wasn't sure why she said that or why it made him feel the way it did, but he couldn't help but start crying again. He desperately wanted to hug her, draw comfort from her. He wanted the peace in his soul that she gave him when she touched him. Shinji raised his gaze up so he could look at the beautiful blue-haired girl, and somehow she looked open, inviting. As if she would accept his embrace and not pull away from it. But he wasn't sure. He was deathly afraid that if he tried to show her affection like that, it would ruin the rapport they had developed. He was also frightened that if he allowed himself to express his affection and care, that he would be hurt.

Rei watched him, sensing his conflicting emotions by the changes in his body language and eyes, but she remained silent. It would be presumptuous and rude of her to offer any comfort she had not already given him. She also considered his earlier reaction when she touched his shoulder, realizing that he might hate being touched.

The first child was also confused about her own feelings. She felt like she wanted to be closer to the boy, perhaps embracing him as she rarely did with his father. But it didn't feel the same way… with the commander, it was like a child embracing her parent. With Shinji… she wanted it for another reason, but what reason she could not identify. She also wanted something else… a kiss, perhaps. As she had seen in the love stories that Maya-san had taken her to see. But it would be too forward of her to try to kiss him, or even request one, as Asuka had suggested. For the first time in her life, she hated the rules of society and gender roles. But perhaps they were valid? Shinji would probably think she was a… tramp if she forced herself on him with a hug and kiss. Wouldn't he?

So they stared at each other in silence.

Eventually they heard an announcement on the loudspeaker. “All pilots please report for synchronization tests. All pilots, please report for synchronization tests.”

Shinji wiped at his eyes again to make sure they were dry, though they were still red and puffy. “I suppose it's time.”

Rei nodded, and so they left to get ready for the testing.

*************************

Shinji was a little surprised when he noticed there were three test plugs and four pilots waiting. “Ah… Katsuragi-shousa? How do you want us to proceed?” The boy inquired.

“We want to see what Pilot Nagisa can do, so he shall test in Unit 02's plug first, and then Pilot Soryu will complete her test afterwards.” The major's reply came over the intercom. “You and Ayanami will test normally.”

Asuka growled in annoyance and turned to face the observation window. “Why does he get to test in my plug?! Why don't you put him into one of the others?!”

“Other than the fact that they are my orders, you mean?” Misato inquired in a commanding tone. A moment later she continued, “Unit 00 is all but completely obliterated. It is unlikely that it will be repaired or replaced before the next angel attack. Unit 01 is under extreme-emergency-only lockdown. It is also unlikely that we will receive any new Eva units before the next angel attack, and we wouldn't be able to configure for them until they arrive anyway. So that leaves Unit 02.”

“Then why don't I go first?!” The German girl retorted, haughtily placing her hand on her chest and lifting her nose into the air as she continued her rant, “It's already configured for me!”

Misato looked at Ritsuko and shrugged. The doctor nodded. “I don't see any reason not to let her test first.”

The major nodded. “Agreed. Pilot Nagisa, stand down until after Pilot Soryu's sync test.”

Kaoru nodded and leaned back against the bulkhead, casually placing his hands in his pockets and humming. “Hai.”

The red-haired girl smirked at getting her way and made her way to her test plug as if she were marching in a parade.

Shinji watched her, perplexed at her attitude. <What does it matter who goes first?> He wondered. He glanced at Rei, but she was already climbing into her test plug, silent as always. The boy sighed, conflicting emotions still playing out in his mind, but he had to set them aside for the test.

Once they were all in their test plugs, they were lowered partially into the LCL solution to simulate their Eva units. Soon after, their readings started coming in. “Ayanami… 59%. Ikari… 79%. Soryu………… 64%. Much better than last time!” Maya reported.

Various other reports were given by the others, indicating that everything looked good.

“That's a good girl… good girl.” Asuka whispered, smiling in her test plug.

“What was that, Pilot Soryu?” Major Katsuragi inquired, raising an eyebrow as she looked at Unit 02's plug.

“I said, I told you I could do it.” The red-haired girl proclaimed louder, in a proud voice.

Dr. Akagi noticed Maya glance at Shinji's video feed a few times, then she'd blush a little and look back down at her readouts. Ritsuko sighed, hoping it was embarrassment at what she had done with the boy, and that she wasn't considering a repeat performance. <You don't want to get involved with the Ikaris, Maya-chan. Trust me.> The doctor mused silently.

Misato nodded. “That's good for today. Bring the pilots up and we'll get Pilot Nagisa's test underway.”

“We could wait until we can reconfigure the test plug for Nagisa.” Lt. Hyuga suggested.

The major shook her head. “That'll be done by the next time we test. We may as well get some initial results today.”

“All pilots have exited the test plugs. The Unit 02 plug is ready for Pilot Nagisa.” Lt. Aoba reported.

“Resetting harmonics for Unit 02's plug for Pilot Nagisa's results.” Captain Ibuki added, looking up to see the first three pilots shaking the excess LCL fluid off them (or simply letting it drip off in Rei's case), and Kaoru stepping into the test plug.

“Lowering test plug for Unit 02.” Makoto stated.

A few moments later, they started getting the results. “Pilot Nagisa's sync ratio is… 29%?” Maya reported, surprise in her voice.

“That's not even enough to get the Eva moving.” Ritsuko scoffed. “Why did SEELE bother sending this pilot to us?”

Kaoru's eyes opened for a moment and he frowned. His eyes closed again and he attempted to synchronize once more.

“Sync ration is… dropping. 23%... 18%...” The young captain reported, shaking her head at the results. A few moments later, she gave the final report. “Holding at 13%. Eva Unit 02 seems to be rejecting Pilot Nagisa.”

Major Katsuragi shook her head in disappointment. “Even configured for Asuka, he should still have a higher sync ratio than that. It seems Unit 02 refuses to allow anyone else to pilot it.”

“It'll probably be months before a new Eva unit arrives.” Dr. Akagi added, sipping some coffee.

“This test is a failure. Go ahead and bring Pilot Nagisa back up. I doubt he'll be seeing any action.” Misato ordered.

After Kaoru exited the plug he smiled and shook his head. “Amazing… Unit 02's soul did not hide as it did last time. This will make things interesting.” He murmured, too softly for anyone else to hear. He laughed and shook his head, casting a smile towards Rei and Shinji. “You two really are quite amazing. But you still haven't found your joy, so was it worth it, I wonder?”

The blue-haired girl turned and silently walked away. If she was curious what the fifth child was muttering to himself while looking at her, she did not show it.

Shinji blinked in surprise, wondering why the boy seemed so happy even though his test was a failure. <I suppose he's relieved that he won't have to pilot Unit 02. I can't blame him… I will be happy when I no longer have to pilot Eva. Even though I will lose my purpose to exist… I'll be useless once again. So… maybe I'll be sad, also. I'm so messed up.> He debated whether to follow Ayanami, talk to Kaoru, or follow Asuka. He glanced between the three, indecision plaguing him.

Asuka gave the silver-haired boy a haughty smile after hearing his poor sync test results, spun on her heel to dramatically make her hair flutter out, and then followed Rei to the girls' locker room to shower and change.

Kaoru shrugged, his smile not faltering for a moment as he left the opposite way, to go to the boys' locker room. “Coming, Shinji-kun?” He called over his shoulder.

The third child blushed in embarrassment, realizing he couldn't just follow the girls into their locker room, so his decision was made for him. He had to follow Nagisa. “H… hai.” He willed himself not to glance up at the pretty young captain, because he knew he'd blush, so he fixed his gaze onto the floor and walked out.

*************************

Asuka entered the girls' locker room and stripped off her plug suit, casually tossing it into a wash bin then headed into the showers, unsurprised to find that Rei was already there. She took a moment to appreciate the other girl's figure before stepping into the spray. <It doesn't hurt to look, right? It's not like it makes me a pervert like Shinji… right? It's not like I'm drooling all over her…>

“I guess I'll be piloting Unit 02 after all, ne?” Asuka stated, attempting to make pleasant conversation. She didn't really expect the other girl to respond, though.

Rei, as expected, remained silent as she scrubbed her skin clean of LCL fluid.

“Nagisa didn't seem disappointed, though. Maybe he expects the new Eva unit to arrive before the next angel attack?” The second child suggested, ignoring the lack of response from the other girl.

“Perhaps.” The blue-haired girl responded evenly.

<Well, at least that confirms that she's listening to me. See, Shinji? I can do this. I can do anything I set my mind to!> The red-haired girl smiled and leaned into the water spray for a few moments before running her fingers over her skin to make sure none of it was still sticky with LCL. “Shinji looked like he had been crying. His eyes were red and all… puffy. Is he ok?” Asuka inquired, concern in her voice.

Rei turned her red eyes towards Asuka, surprise leaking through her normally placid mask. She was actually shocked the girl noticed, especially since most of her attention was fixed on trying to aggravate the strangely happy Kaoru. “He will survive. It is not my place to speak of his problems. He may… appreciate your concern, however.”

It was the German girl's turn to be surprised this time. <Wow… Rei actually communicated with me. Amazing.> “I'll approach him cautiously then. You know how touchy he can be.”

The first child turned her gaze to the other girl again for a few moments before applying shampoo to her hair. She actually didn't know, because other than earlier that day, she had never attempted to talk to him about such matters before. She didn't really understand her own feelings on the matter either, and she wasn't sure what to say in this situation, so she remained silent, as usual.

“So has Shinji put the moves on you yet?” Asuka inquired, though she knew it was highly unlikely that he had done so in the last few hours.

“He has not.” Rei replied, her tone neutral.

The second child shrugged and ran her fingers through her hair after rinsing shampoo out to make sure it wasn't sticking together. “And I'll bet you didn't take matters into your own hands either, am I right?”

“You are correct.” The blue-haired girl responded softly.

The German girl laughed softly and rubbed conditioner into her hair. “You're probably going to have to give him some kind of signal, you know?”

Rei was silent for several minutes then she turned her gaze to the red-haired girl and raised an eyebrow slightly. “I did not have to give you any signal to receive a kiss.”

Asuka blushed a little as a result of the other girl's observation and turned her head away so it wasn't seen. “Yeah but that was different. You didn't even want a kiss from me.”

“Is that so?” The blue hair inquired in a soft, mysterious tone, betraying nothing.

The second child glanced towards the other pilot, unsure of how to take her question. “Well… regardless, Shinji would never show enough backbone to kiss you on his own.”

“Perhaps.” Rei simply said.

Asuka rinsed her hair out, noticing the other girl had done so already and was reaching to turn off the shower spray. “So what are you going to do?”

The first child paused in her step towards the towels to turn her gaze back towards the German girl. She raised an eyebrow up slightly, but did not respond.

“If Shinji doesn't kiss you.” The second child elaborated, in case there was confusion in what she meant by her question.

“I shall learn to live without knowing what it is to kiss Ikari.” The red-eyed girl replied as she picked up a towel and started drying herself off.

Asuka threw her hands up in exasperation. “You're hopeless!”

“Perhaps.” Rei responded evenly.

*************************

And that's the end of the story. Whoa… wait… put those torches and pitchforks down! It was a joke! Really! EEP! Next chapter, Asuka decides to spend the night over at Ayanami's this time, to continue the girl-talk and attempt to convince the girl that Shinji won't go after her on his own, so she should give him some sort of “Come get some” signal. Whether that works or not, I suppose you'll have to wait and see. Meanwhile, Misato has requested some Shinji-time while she can still get it, so that'll be in the next chapter as well. Maya has invoked her video-game-playtime clause that she snuck into her contract when I wasn't looking, so she'll get the chapter off. Sorry. Probably no Kaoru either… he has to consider his options, and I doubt you'll want to see a whole section devoted to him tapping his fingers and staring up at the sky. So… likely there will be Gendo and/or Ritsuko filler, or something. We'll see what my fingers come up with. Until next time, Au revoir!