Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction ❯ When You Wish Upon A Sword ❯ Chapter 3

[ P - Pre-Teen ]

Chapter 3: When You Wish Upon A Sword

Wish in haste, repent at leisure

a round robin fic in progress. this chapter by Skysaber and Metroanime.

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A brief wind blew in the dining area, from the basement steps to the bathroom. A flash of pink was all that was seen aside from a glimpse of red hair.

Sounds of the shower entering use began almost immediately. A second later someone emerged to lean wetly around the corner and wave to the assembled residents. "Hi there! Thank you for wishing me normal!"

Then she was gone, only a puddle, wide eyes and fallen jaws to tell that she'd been there. Jared went on calmly nibbling ambrosia. He smiled into his cake. "She'll learn modesty once she gets the concept of gender, I'm sure. For now she's too childlike to understand any of that."

Ranma's jaw was swaying gently in the breeze.

Nodoka had managed to blink her eyes down to their normal sizes. "Um...? Why did that young girl look identical to my son's cursed form? And for that matter, what is she doing in our bath?"

The godling smiled more widely, as if hiding part of a secret not yet ready to tell. "In reverse order. She's not even been dusted in ten thousand years, what would you do if you awoke and felt that dirty? Second," they couldn't be sure if he was coughing or chuckling. "Um, that was part of the wish, actually."

"Wish?" Nodoka asked.

Ranma's jaw was still creaking in the wind.

"The one that just got approved." Jared informed them. "For your edification, the first was Ranma wishing to be engaged to someone who would listen to him, and by inference understand and be kind to him. You wished for him to have a nice girlfriend. *She* wished to be human, and by a fair and generous interpretation, also wanted those things that make human life happy, interesting and enjoyable; most important of those being nice people to share it with. Since they interleaved so nicely and were so heartfelt, I decided to grant them all in ways that would fulfill each other. She is a human, able to understand Ranma and be a good girlfriend to him."

Nodoka's mind was spinning from the information, but also the implications. There were plenty of ways to get wishes in this world, but most of them made sure you regretted you ever tried to use them by interpreting those wishes in the worst ways possible. To have someone sitting by her side who would grant them GENEROUSLY!

Jared chuckled into his nectar. "Sorry mom, but you really don't need that dress you saw in the storefront window. Besides, the seams were poorly done." He paused. "Then again, that wish about not having married Genma, I'm *sorely* tempted to grant. But there's no way Celeste would grant me THAT favor. I think she's afraid if she's nice to me she'll fall in love and marry me."

There came a clap of thunder and a small earth tremor.

The afterimage of a bouncing, beautiful bosom finally faded and Ranma's eyes returned to normal size. He cranked up his jaw enough to whisper. "Man, no *wonder* I'm able to scam ice cream so easy."

Nodoka was sure there were at least three events of major importance going on here, but trying to keep track of them all was making her dizzy. "Excuse me, but why do you again refer to me as your mother?"

Suddenly the godling had turned SD and was directing a shining eyed childish face up to the woman. *Sniffle!* "Oh, but you *are* my mother. Or at least you were in another world before I went and became an Enlightened Immortal." He turned his tiny head and wiped a tear aside. "The lives pass so quickly, now."

Nodoka found she was holding the child with no conscious recollection of having picked him up. He perked up immediately, though stayed in child form. Happily, he chirped. "Anyway, since the weapon platform now named Ranko was to *understand* my brother, and she was still too new to this whole being alive business to do so right away, she had to look like him so that she'd be subjected to most of the same experiences. It was easier that way."

The child's watch began to vibrate.

"Ooops." The child slapped it, hopping away. "Now I'd better hurry. I don't have time to tell you all the cures, so the important ones." He hauled out a giant, pink, plushy feline almost obscuring him. "Hey, Ranma!"

"What? AACK!" Ranma scrambled back three feet, then halted. "Wait a second..."

The chibi-godling stuffed the giant plush cat away where it came from, chuckling as he did so. "The Giant Stuffed Toy of Catfist Curing. I run into universes where I need that *all* the time. Genma is such an idiot anywhere I go. Hehe, anyway, no more fear or cats, no trigger for the catfist. One down."

Suddenly the chibi-god was in holy regalia, waving a scepter at Ranma and shouting. "I cast out from thee the Demons of Stupidity!"

Ranma's heart crawled down his throat and hid in his belly when the superimposed image of a demonically horned and leering Genma appeared over him, then drifted apart from him and faded out. For some reason the image came inescapably to mind of the godling doing the same to Genma and leaving nothing behind but an empty gi.

Nodoka was flabbergasted. The godling saw her expression and turned, waving the stick. "You too."

An unpleasant sensation of butterfly winged Genma faces flew out from her ears, leaving the poor woman in shock. Especially when the godling put away the rod and pulled out a brightly glowing sword. "+5 Sword of Righteous Retribution, Attack!!"

It began to rain severed butterfly wings and sliced up Genma heads, which vanished upon reaching the floor. Ranma was currently hiding under their table, where his mother quickly joined him, both resolving that a lot less Genma in their lives was a good thing.

The child checked his watch. "Two down, no more time to go."

Jared jumped into the air, regaining full size and snatching again his headdress. "Physical contact with high chi energy is what Ranma and the moms need. Get them around happy, healthy people and lots of natural beauty. The more and better sources they are touching, the faster their life energy will recover." With that, the godling hauled open the shimmering, silvery door midair and dove through it, eliciting a cry of "There he is!" before the portal closed behind him.

Deeper in the house, the sound of the shower cut off and a VAST sigh of pleasure, shaking their home to its root, echoed throughout, proving that Ranko had entered the furo. Moments later she began to sing softly, an ancient melody in a forgotten language.

Ranma's mom, lost in thought, picked up her teacup full of nectar.

Ranma absently reached for an ambrosia cake.

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"BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!"

The waterworks display was impressive, not only for a volume that proved she was a daughter of Soun Tendo, but for the individual doing it.

"There, there, Nabiki," comforted Kasumi, a little teary eyed herself.

"But I was such an evil mercenary soulless bitch to him! Now he's done something like this, but I can't repay him! Waaaaaaaaah!"

Nabiki had been cold, mercenary, a control freak ever since her mother had died. Money was the best way to keep score and was a measure of control on her environment. All this had been a reaction built up over the helplessness she'd felt while watching her mother become consumed with that fatal illness. Now, with the return of her mother, that iron control had fallen apart.

"Waaaaaaaah! I've been an evil, self-serving, arrogant, prideful, possessive, psycho-bitch!" A wail came from the chair where Kimiko was cradling her youngest daughter. "I've been mean and petty and hateful!"

"So have I!" Nabiki countered.

Anything Goes Guilt Contest. Nabiki was clearly winning, though Akane was beginning to catch up. Unfortunately, both Nabiki and Akane had always had a level of competition - though Nabiki tried for intellect and Akane was physical, and this was coming into play here. Especially now that the attention of their returned mother was involved.

Kasumi's eyes met her mother's as they attempted emotional damage control. Privately both were more worried about Nabiki than Akane, simply because Akane had always been more prone to emotional excesses. Nabiki coming unglued was stranger and more difficult to fully grasp. Especially for Kasumi, who had gotten used to the manipulative witch that had manifested after
their mother's death.

Soun Tendo was into his fourth bottle of celebratory sake and not available for comment.

Genma was also into sake, and while he could rejoice for his friend, something else was occupying his mind. ~Boygone. Gonnadie. Gonnadie. Katana go chop chop. Headless panda. Boygone. Gonnadie.~ This loop kept returning, interspersed with frantic idea-searching. Nodoka would *never* forgive this, so waiting for it to blow over was futile. Maybe a long training trip? Or he could find a substitute Ranma? Plans began to form, but plans developed after the third bottle had been downed were not necessarily up to even Genma's usual standards.

~Needaboy. Gonnadie. Gottahaveaboy. Anyboy. Getaboy. Get a substitute. Tell her it's her son. Getaboy. Anyboy. Who?~

Ukyo appeared in his mind¹s eye and became fixed there before he fainted, passed out from too much sake and emotional distress combined. Over his recumbant form danced a circle of little Nodokas with little katanas striking repeatedly in the air.

Akane pulled ahead by claiming she was an abusive, unforgiving, monster who had ruined the boy for love.

Nabiki countered that she had been pushing an innocent toward being a cheap whore, and didn't deserve to live because she'd been stealing from the kindest man she ever knew. (Admittedly this wasn't saying much due to the quality of males at Furinkan.)

Akane kept her lead by admitting that as his fiancee she'd been forcing Ranma to hurt the girls who really loved him.

Kasumi helplessly met her mother¹s gaze as her two sisters both broke out into wordless wailing, causing waterfalls which formed puddles and ran into streams on their floor.

Soun broke out his fifth bottle of sake.

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"The doctor is finished, Mistress Kodachi."

The family was gathered around a small, round table, for once in utter stillness. They had at first all been crowded into the bedroom, but that triggered talking and jockeying for position and rivalry until the doctor had finally ordered them out so that he could get his work done. Since then they'd been seated so still they might think to breathe would induce bad news.

Kodachi nodded regally, having had seniority as the one who'd called the doctor, or ordered Sasuke to do it, but that amounted to the same thing in this household. "Thank you, Sasuke. What did he say?"

"I'd like to answer that myself, if I may." Dr. Tofu entered their little study, setting his glasses more firmly on his nose. "But first I'd like to ask why you called me all the way from Atsuga to deal with this case. I know of many fine doctors who were a great deal closer."

The Kuno family remained unnaturally, almost frighteningly, still. Kodachi answered. "You¹ve treated both the pig-tailed girl and my Ranma-sama. You were trustworthy."

"I see." Tofu concluded, light frosting his glasses as he considered this answer. Then he gave his diagnosis. "Well, your mother is indeed very weak. Physically there's nothing wrong with her other than a lack of life energy. Her chi has been reduced so low I could barely find it."

Tatewaki raised his head, still dressed in kendo attire and with a bokken in one hand, having learned the news of his mother's revival once he'd begun his morning practice. "Her chi is low as a result of her being dead, Dr. Tofu. It was a wish made by my pigtailed goddess and the sacrifice of my rival, Ranma Saotome, that returned her to life."

The weight of these facts returned Tatewaki's head to facing the ground, recalling those first wishes he¹d spent so carelessly. "I am indebted to both of them for their noble service to my house and clan. A debt I know not how to repay."

Tofu made a considering frown. "Hmm, that would certainly explain a few things. I admit, I *had* wondered why you would call me this far, and so I looked up her records. Finding a death certificate on file for her I had even more puzzlement why I was coming here. Now I suspect I know." He raised his face and laughed. "Unfortunately, bureaucracy doesn't deal well with these sorts of issues. I can't simply file a Ressurrection Certificate, as they simply don't have any such document."

"We be takin' care o da papework dokto'." Kuno the senior answered. "You no be worryin over sumtin like dat. Da big kahuna be knowin da ways of it."

Kodachi elegantly and simply took an envelope full of cash and held it on the table before her, release pending answers to her next question. "What we are interested in, doctor, is the treatment for her condition."

Tofu gave the envelope a glance but not much thought, standing straighter as he answered. "Well, barring a master of chi techniques who is willing and able to donate, the best thing for her would to be in places of high natural chi where she could soak some in. I'd recommend the beach, personally. Areas of surf or other natural phenomena are often very high in life energy."

Principal Kuno lifted his palm tree topped head to gaze through his sunglasses at the doctor. "You be meaning tings like volcanoes and what, dokto?"

Tofu considered this. "Well, yes, active volcanoes can be tremendous sources of natural life energy, provided they aren't dangerous to the patient. Also waterfalls and some springs, the trick is to find some. The beach is usually much more readily available."

Principal Kuno stood up, looking at his children. "Pack your tings, little keikeis. We be goin to da islands fo a *long* vacation."

Dr. Tofu was ready to find his way to the door when Kodachi approached him, much more mild in her kimono than he'd ever seen her wearing her school uniform or leotard. She gave him the envelope, saying. "We are grateful for your help, Dr. Tofu. Would you perhaps be willing to consider staying on as a retainer for us? For the duration of our mother's illness at the least? We could easily pay you this much weekly."

The physician accepted the envelope and glanced inside. Instantly his glasses fogged up. "Wow! ehehe, of course! Just let me get my bags, Kasumi. Oh, my how you've changed, Betty-chan."

The overpaid chiropractor shook a suit of armor's hand and wandered, blinded and blissful, off into the deeper corners of the mansion.

Kodachi wisely sent Sasuke to lead him safely out.

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Cologne hit a sleep shiatsu point and Shampoo's mother ceased her attempts to struggle around. "Just as stubborn as always. If she'd taken it easy the first time she was nearly dead, she might have survived. Tsk."

Shampoo nodded absently.

"Child, you're dehydrating from all those tears. Let me make us some tea." Cologne hopped to it, literally. In a moment, the elder had an herb tea brewing with water kept constantly hot on one of the burners of the stove. "After we pay our respects to son-in-law, we'll have to take a vacation. With her ki at this low a level, natural surroundings would be best. Lets see. Would the beach or the mountains be better? Or perhaps a nice forest setting?"

"Natural surroundings?" Shampoo had practically had to be dragged to the table.

"Areas of natural beauty, that seem to refresh the soul that's open to such things, actually help recharge one's chi," Cologne absently said while going through travel brochures. "Have to set the VCR up to record my soap operas, hmmm. Not to mention that 'Skysaber - Rei Special' on Thursday."

Shampoo's mind was clearly elsewhere, looking up the stairs towards her room.

"Then there's the effect this has on your pursuit of son-in-law," Cologne muttered while examining a brochure for a resort in Okinawa.

"Unnn," said Shampoo, sipping on her tea, her gaze still affixed on the top of the stairs.

Cologne glanced up. "By the way, Mousse has dumped you and is now pursuing Kodachi Kuno."

"Unnn," said Shampoo.

"Oh, and due to a little known provision of Chinese Amazon Law, you're now engaged to marry our 10,000 customer. That would be that Daisuke fellow."

"Unnn," agreed Shampoo.

"Silly Shampoo sells seashells by the seashore."

"Unnn."

Cologne sighed. Clearly Shampoo's mind was elsewhere. Well, she'd just have to choose a place to go on their own. But first, she'd have to drop by the Tendo household and properly thank Ranma for the return of one of their Amazons. Hmmm. Maybe a special technique or something. Since the way Shampoo explained it, Ranma had paid in chi to return Shampoo's mother, a chi recharge technique or meditation technique would be useful.

Hmmm. Maybe an invitation to go with them on this vacation? That *would* give Ranma some time with Shampoo, a chance for a recharge, and frankly some time sunning herself would do her own old bones some good.

*THWACK!*

"Ahhhh, Great grandmother, what for you do?" Shampoo rubbed the top of her head.

"I've got to go thank Ranma, child. You stay indoors - it smells like rain." Cologne cocked her head to the side and regarded her great-granddaughter. "I'll just be a bit. Try to keep out of trouble and let your mother sleep. She has to rest and recharge. We'll discuss this more when I get back."

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Gods do not need to eat in a normal sense.

It's kind of an optional thing, like breathing and sleeping and other needs that no longer are mandatory once you become immortal (and for those who are curious, yes, divine restrooms are practically unheard of, being both unnecessary and one of those few functions that almost all
divine beings can agree they'd rather do without) (The few around were mainly there for visiting mortals, and to give goddesses a place to "powder their noses" and the like.)

True immortals CAN eat, but tend to do so only for special reasons, sometimes quaffing magical potions to serve some purpose or swigging malts for their flavor. In the case of ambrosia and nectar they are provided as the Universal Godly Recharge system for those divine beings who, for whatever reason, are suffering momentary power shortages.

More convenient than most auxiliary recharge methods (and safer than some), plus a snack here or there can be just the thing to perk you up to fighting your second horde of demons.

Needless to say, mortals partook of it at their peril. It was rather more significantly powerful than faerie food, yet slightly more predictable as well. It either blew you up in gory shards of volting flesh or gave you significant magical benefits (which may have been what the godling had in mind).

Both Nodoka and her son were presently lying on the floor with bolts of magical lightning arcing across their forms, shivering in the aftershocks of their snacks. Sadly, few enough gods used chi that it did nothing to recharge Ranma's lack of it. But good luck was smiling in that neither of them had converted into more than one piece.

Ranko came in, wearing a towel, and looked curiously over each of them, then stepped over Ranma's face to go into the kitchen to see what human food tasted like! (She could tell that stuff on the table wasn't normal).

Ranma, already in shock over taking a bite of ambrosia, saw what you would expect to see if a girl wearing only a towel walked straight over you, froze in shock, had a final volt of electricity arc over his frame, and passed out.

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Ranko looked over her boyfriend and his mother, her benefactors, with a practiced eye.

::Magical energies detected. Discharging as electrical energy. Possibility of destabilization of tissues noted.::

Ranko flipped through a dozen methods of dealing with the problems with computer-like efficiency. Then knelt nearby. She gently caressed Ranma's forehead, and reached out to place a hand on Nodoka's temple.

::Analyzing waveform. Completed. Utilizing excess energy to stimulate healing. Warning: old damage detected in left frontal lobe of subject one (designate:Ranma). Stimulating neural net. Regrowth of affected areas occurring. Corpus Callosum also damaged. Correcting. Absorbing excess energies. Complete.::

Ranko let out a deep breath, then a smile that would have dazzled almost anyone who had been present. She felt she *understood* Ranma now. She had gotten quite a burden of his memories while travelling through his psyche, but she couldn't go through them now. No doubt they'd be a valuable resource later.

No, that wasn't the reason that Ranko was skipping happily over to the stove to check out this human food substance.

"Never gonna be a weapons platform again," she sang softly to the birds outside the window.

No, the important thing, to Ranko at least, was that she had just used her talents to HEAL instead of KILL. Much more satisfying.

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"WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!"

"Ther e, there, Kasumi." Nabiki soothed. Both she and Akane had instantly quieted once their older sister had lost her grip on control. Even Akane malletting herself was being topped by this.

"But..." Kasumi was lost in tremblings and whimpers and sobs that had her two younger sisters hovering nearby, ashamed to think they had contributed to her overload. Her mother gently rocked her eldest and muttered soothing words in her hair.

Kasumi sniffled and blew her nose, with help. Never once faltering in the steady yet gentle streams that poured down both cheeks. "But, Ranma was the only boy to be nice to me since I left high school. I knew I couldn't marry him... but..." Her nose got blown again.

"BUT I WANTED TO! WAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!" By now the handkerchief was quite wet and useless for anything, but she held onto it anyway. "And now I can't even DREAM of him choosing me and taking us far away!"

"BWAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!"

A knocking at the door intruded, especially when the person at the door turned out to be...

"Akane Tendo, my love, my heart!"

*SLAM!*

Kimiko raised her head. "Daughter, it is not polite to slam the door in people's faces like that."

Akane winced and opened the door. Despite a quick but fervert prayer, Tatewaki Kuno was still there. He was *behind* someone else though, at this point.

"Doctor Tofu? But you moved!" Akane blinked at the apparition before her. "Please come in!" *SLAM!*

Tatewaki blinked at the door slammed in his face as he'd prepared to follow the Doctor. Ah, clearly Akane had been crying and was now embarassed to let him see her until she had made herself presentable. How like a woman. Yet this vacation would prove an opportunity for her to show her true love for him now that the Sorcerer Saotome was gone! Though now he was indebted to that same Sorcerer Saotome! ~Arrggh! I needs focus on something more pleasant whilst I give myself time to think this through.~

While Kuno went off on a delusional fantasy involving Akane Tendo, grass huts, and barbeque sauce, Doctor Tofu examined Mrs Tendo and repeated what he'd told the Kunos about natural surroundings. "It would be best if you accompanied them to Hawaii, it would aid your mother's recovery greatly." The Doctor blinked and looked around. "Is it true that Ranma's dead, turned into a puddle of water and drained away?"

"Bwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!" Nabiki, Genma, and Akane began wailing.

Doctor Tofu began moving to comfort the nearest (Akane) who briefly clung to him, motivated by the knowledge that his professionalism had screwed up. It hardly seemed possible, however, as Ranma had always seemed nearly indestructible and somehow melting into a puddle just didn't strike the doctor as likely.

Kasumi returned from the bathroom as Akane clung to Doctor Tofu. "Oh my! Doctor Tofu!"

"Gerk!" Doctor Tofu stiffened abruptly. "Ka-ka-ka-Kasumi?!"

Akane went from tearful to horrified as she realized in one thoroughly awful moment what was about to happen.

*BEND!* *FOLD!* *SPINDLE!* *MUTILATE!*

"Oh my," said Kasumi, Kimiko, Nabiki, Soun, and Genma. The chorus was eerie.

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Cologne decided not to enter. She didn't think it likely that son-in-law was currently so much water vapor, but clearly the Tendos and Kunos thought so. And it appeared they had their own vacation plans.

Fine, by her estimation. She'd just go invite that okonomiyaki chef and her mother. With Miao Yin's stubborness, she'd try to keep up with healthy persons. With Kuonji's mother along, she'd only try to compete with another invalid. Also this would place Ukyo in *her* debt, and that could always come in handy.

And she could always use the time of this vacation to do a little research and figure out what really had happened to son-in-law. Not to mention what restoring a tribe member meant as far as the laws (it wasn't something likely to come up that often, after all.)

Yes, well, she left the village to support her great-granddaughter and because she could use a little variety in her life. Land's sakes, this could top what Liao Bing had gone through back in the seventies!

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Oh well. In the next chapter:
Hawaii you doing, Akane?
Tatewaki goes soul-searching?
Bullwinkle and Rocky discover Boris and Natasha retired and living in Wahiawa?
Ranko discovers clothes!
Ukyo and Cologne chat?
Ranma discovers that he likes being doted on?
All this and more! Same Ranma-time, same Ranma-channel!

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