Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction ❯ When You Wish Upon A Sword ❯ Diamond Head Butt?! ( Chapter 5 )

[ P - Pre-Teen ]

When You Wish Upon A Sword, ch.5
a round robin fic
this chapter by Metroanime (Gregg Sharp)

R.Takahashi and VIZ own Ranma 1/2. this is just a different spin on the same characters.

While Ryoga wandered around Wahiawa in Oahu, others were on the main island.

"DIAMOND-HEAD-BUTT!"

Akane groaned and got up as the sound of martial artists trying to beat the royal snot out of each other sounded across the beach.

"Hah! Your Diamond Head Butt technique is ineffective against one who has studied its counter! Behold now the true terror of Hawaiian Martial Arts! SHADY PALM!"

Nabiki moved past Akane, heading towards the sounds of two aspiring martial artists on the beach. Akane spent a moment watching her slightly older sister, then curiously followed.

Nabiki went out to where Mister Saotome and Mister Kuno were facing each other. Genma was standing on some pole in a crane position, while Godai Kuno was in something that looked like a modified crane stance - barber shears in his hands.

She watched as Nabiki pulled a mighty mallet from somewhere and went rushing across the sands.

*WHAM!* *WHAM!*

Landing on the sands, Genma looked over at the prone, shaven, flattened figure of Nabiki with a blink. "Nabiki? When did you start practicing the martial arts?"

"Keiki shouldn't get involved when we gotta dispute to iron out," mourned the patriarch of the Kuno clan. "Sasuke!"

A dark form appeared, startling Akane who hadn't seen the figure approach. Or had she been lurking there all the time?

"Sasuke is not available, my lord. He has gone to shop for medicinals for the mistress."

Akane blinked, the girl in the sand-colored ninja suit had blonde hair and a "bimboish" voice. Her first instinct was to come between THAT and her sister. Except that her stomach was *still* upset from some of this spicy food they had here.

"Ah, well. Sunabara, take the keiki inside and see what you can do," Kuno turned his attention back to Genma. "We be settling this some udda day, now we getta ready for breakfast."(1)

The ninja nodded, then gathered up the slightly flattened mercenary.

Akane leaned back into the hallway as the ninja looked in her direction, then slowly peeked out again. When she did, there was no sign of Nabiki or the blonde ninja-girl.

"Akane, breakfast."

Hearing her mother's voice, and reminding herself that the Kunos were their *allies* now, Akane dismissed the possibilities of anything bad happening to Nabiki.

------

Where it was early morning in Hawaii, dawn was still far away in Okinawa where Cologne's group had gathered, and even further distant if one went into the mountains of Japan where Nodoka had taken her charges.

But ripples were still spreading from the two magical events that had taken place.

Ranma's wish had been for the mothers of those present to be returned. His current weakness was partly due to the lifeforce taken for that event. Mrs Tendo, Mrs Kuno, Mrs Kuonji, Shampoo's mother - all returned from beyond the grave. Which made their legal status dicey. The Kunos had quietly used money and influence - and the paperwork for both Kimiko Tendo and Keiko Kuno was being built. Cologne had influence beyond the simple village, and was using such to put together similar documents for Miao Yin (Shampoo's mother) and Chukyo Kuonji.(2)

The ripples of *that* event were relatively small. The modern age had everyone shackled metaphorically to large chains of documents that existed to define that individual. Money or connections could alter this bureaucratic karma to some extent.

The second event also produced ripples. These were being altered by the Goddess of J-Pop, Celeste. Ranko may have been an Ifurita weapons system that had been slammed into the Antarctic after an unfortunate altercation with a device known as "the Eye Of God" but records would now show her as being born Ranko Sanguichi - and Ranma's fiance from long before Genma had even met Nodoka.

Some of this was Celeste's weaving of fates. Sanguichi was of a family of devilhunters. Their school of swordsmanship - the hokushin ittouryuu (Northstar Sword Style Martial Art) used chi "charging" of blades and other chi and sword techniques to slay demons devils and similar problems. The family was one of several with a long responsibility in keeping Japan free of supernatural evil. Unfortunately, the family line had died out a little over a decade ago.

Celeste had found this thread and wove it in without considering that there might be... complications. She'd noticed the arrangement between Nodoka and her friend, and that a line of devilhunters had died out. Looked like a situation that needed to be fixed.

None of which helped Tsubasa Kurenai, still trapped in the freezer of a certain okonomiyaki restaurant, of course.

It *did* however explain why a ghostly entity with dreams of conquering the mortal plane suddenly had a chill sensation.

It also explained why, in the middle of the night, Cologne rose from her meditations (her advanced chi mastery lowered the need for such things as sleep) to reach for the I-Ching and wonder why she had the feeling that things were about to get exciting again.

It also explained why Nodoka's pager suddenly vibrated on the nightstand as an old friend and relative got wind that "Nippon Nodoka" was adventuring again.

It had nothing to do with Tatewaki Kuno's dream of at last claiming the beauteous Akane Tendo - and with their parents' blessing at that.(3)

---------

When Nabiki awoke it was to find that the clumsy job done by Godai Kuno had been completed. Instead of a large swath of hair missing, giving her a sort of inverted mohawk, she was very nearly bald. There was a thin amount of hair on her scalp, looking like something a new recruit to the military would have. She managed a weak eep, as screaming wasn't even sufficient for this level of horror.

She'd always preferred short hair. Her pageboy "helmet" cut had been about as long as she'd normally consider it. This was considerably shorter than she'd prefer. Most of the guys she knew had longer hair.

Staring at the image in the mirror, Nabiki wondered whether she should take up religion as a hobby. A brief stint trying to reintroduce herself to the martial arts after a ten year hiatus had reminded her of why she disliked the martial arts. She preferred aerobics, yoga, tennis, and similar things. They could be done alone or with a single partner, didn't come with bizarre side effects like hairlessness or Jusenkyo curses, and one normally was merely sore from tired muscles or the like. People didn't usually attack you for no apparent reason to prove that they were better at you in dance-aerobics, nor was it considered de rigeur for even a yoga master to have vengeance-crazed rivals.

Though originally, Nabiki had given up martial arts simply because she didn't care for competing against Akane when her younger sister had more talent in that area. Everything they had in common, sooner or later Nabiki and Akane would compete against each other in.

Now this. Nabiki frowned as other details penetrated past the horror of the lost hair. *Someone* had tucked her into bed. The last thing she remembered was feeling Godai Kuno's swipe with his hair cutters. Then something heavy slamming into her head, likely the other set of electric shears. That was it.

So *someone* had evened out her cut. Also had taken off her clothes. Nabiki checked. Same panties as she'd had earlier. So they hadn't been *too* hentai.

She reluctantly shut that aside as she simply held her head and tried to will the headache down to bearable levels.

Easier to think about the wedding. Yes, the wedding.

It had an odd ring to it: Akane Kuno.

Mainly it was because Kuno's family had more wealth that Akane would take HIS name, otherwise their social standing was fairly close. Both the Tendo and Kuno families had come from samurai clans, also the Saotomes for the matter. Kuno's had been slightly higher in such circles prior to the Disarmament. They'd retained some land and wealth, and had parlayed that at the right time in order to build up a pharmaceuticals industry. The Tendos had fared almost as well, up until World War II. Afterwards, the Tendos were almost destitute. They retained a tiny amount of their land, on which their home was rebuilt, and that was it. The Kunos had their home survive the fires intact, and the business had also managed to cling to life even in that harsh time.

Some people thought Nabiki liked Tatewaki Kuno. Some people, Nabiki conceded, had better imaginations than she did. She wished Tatewaki and Akane well. Certainly Tatewaki was in for some surprises. In keeping with his typical "epic samurai" paradigm, Nabiki guessed that he would expect Akane to act the part of a deferential and supportive wife. One who would cook and clean and raise his children without a harsh word.

Boy, would *he* be in for a rude awakening.

She'd given Sasuke 3:1 odds that Akane would make a break for it, their mothers' wishes not withstanding, probably on the day of the ceremony when it all penetrated. Sasuke didn't have a whole lot of money, but he thought that Akane would do the honorable thing and go along with the marriage without more than a token resistance. Just in case, though, he made sure there would be lifeguards nearby in case Akane decided to swim for Japan.

The marriage would do the Tendo family quite a bit of good. Their finances were typically so low that it was a wonder that Kasumi could bring home groceries at all. Even if it was typically just rice and whatever she could make out of the bargain sale items, and not the more expensive kind of rice either, she'd been performing daily miracles just staying in the budget.

The marriage would do the Kuno family some good as well. Tatewaki finally gets his Akane. And if anyone could knock some sense into Tatewaki Kuno, then between his mother and Akane they ought to be able to manage it.

Kuno was still railing against the evil Saotome, then switching to "and yet hath the villain not redeemed himself" and then praising Ranma, only to break off into confused muttering thereafter. Tatewaki was definitely in need of some stability.

No, Nabiki was not even slightly upset at this turn of events. She was sorry that she'd misused Ranma, who had proven in one single moment that she'd underestimated him. She'd pegged him as wrongly as Akane had with the title of "pervert" that she still pigeonholed Ranma with to some extent. No, Ranma was far from perfect (though in the manner of dealing with the dead it was far better to praise them for their good points than to insult their memories with their faults) but he'd done far better than Nabiki would have ever guessed.

Nabiki had regained her mother. Her family would finally be solvent. And she had something deep to think about that had taken up a lot of her time since the morning after her mother's resurrection.

There was a Heaven. Not entirely perfect from what she'd gathered, certainly a far cry from the boring image of people in bathrobes sitting on clouds while strumming harps, but there was an Afterlife and there was a Heaven. There was also, from what that odd visitor had said, a Hell. As with the Heaven, so too the Hell seemed to be different. Pink flamingos? Suburbs?

Ranma, the originator of the Wish, had been known to that odd visitor. He had known Nabiki Tendo by name as well. THAT was concerning. Though for some reason that person had seemed to think that Ranma knew something about engines.

Since recovering the morning after she'd cried herself to sleep in her mother's room, Nabiki had been trying to remember every word and nuance from that visitor. He'd used an odd word in English: "timeline." Her English skills were pretty good, but that hadn't been in her vocabulary.

Nabiki grimaced. Her head hurt horribly. Her thinking was going off in all sorts of odd directions. Time for another nap to see if that would help.

Besides, she was sure there was someone worse off than her dealing with repercussions of these events.

--------

Inside a freezer at the Ucchan's, someone sneezed in the dark.

--------

Cologne was a riddle of contradictions to some people. Some saw her as the old fashioned stuck-in-a-rut overseer of Amazon customs and law. Some as a manipulative villain. Some as a slightly senile old woman who was a half century past her role's usefulness.

She herself preferred the aged-but-wise-mentor who'd really prefer seeing her great granddaughter settle down and have some kids while she watches from the sidelines. Unfortunately, darn few people saw her that way. She generally saw herself as such, however. Though sometimes she privately found herself wishing that Shampoo had fallen in love with some nice guy and arranged to be defeated by him. (Something along the relationship that had burgeoned between Lilac and Douglas a few decades previously, or perhaps like Liao Bing had developed with *her* beau, perhaps.)

Cologne, as a sometimes-wise elder, was up earlier than Shampoo. Which was earlier than Ukyo, who herself would get up before the two still-weakened mothers.

It would be a busy day. The mothers were gaining strength rapidly under her direction, but they still would take some time to fully recover. There were meals to prepare, exercises to lead them through, naps to supervise, and details still needing to be done about covering their paper trail. Oh yes, and Ukyo would be inducted (with her mother's permission) into the Amazon tribe after a few more days preparation.

It simplified matters greatly. Also Ukyo qualified. An abused child who had spent years alone in the world. A girl who had refused to accept a subservient role and had developed good combat skills. Yes, Ukyo Kuonji had all the makings of a proper Amazon.

Then there was her current project.

Fire reading sometimes required a sacred fire. If you were really really good or experienced, any flame would do. Such as the flames on a gas burner in a Chinese restaurant.

There were times that even the most experienced needed a sacred flame just to penetrate veils and get details. Which is why Cologne chose 4am at a Shinto shrine to do her fire-reading. She didn't have to answer a lot of stupid questions that way.

After a half hour of studying the flames, scrying with the I-Ching, and examining tea leaves, Cologne had come to several conclusions.

One: Ranma was alive. Not completely well, and weakened, but alive. He would face danger soon, however, and it was a malign presence.

Two: Ranma would not end up with Shampoo OR Ukyo. There was someone else, someone both new and old, who was now in the already complicated tangle that was Ranma's destiny. It was NOT, however, Akane Tendo. Trying to get Ukyo and Shampoo to give up on Ranma would be difficult, however. Maybe if she found each of them someone else to fixate on. Same with Mousse for that matter.

Three: Yukie on the "Young And The Breathless" was going to have Shingo's baby, ignoring the relationship she had going with Yoshinori or that she was actually engaged to Jo. Meanwhile Shingo would confess his love to Akiko and the two would engage in some heavy liplock for the rest of the season until it was finally revealed that Jo was actually Akiko dressing like a man when her multiple personality disorder was acting up. Then Shingo would quietly slip away only to find out that Yukie had had his baby only to tell Yoshinori that it was *his* baby...

Cologne hadn't seen any reason not to get some idea of how one of her favorite soaps was doing.

Noting that 4am had become 6am sometime during her efforts, Cologne gave a weary little sigh and rolled to her feet. She was getting too old for this.

The return of one of their own had given Cologne an excuse to terminate both the Kiss Of Marriage and Kiss Of Death even if Ranma were to show up on their doorstep the very next day. Not that Shampoo had ever given a serious effort to killing Akane Tendo after that Kiss Of Death, and she'd been just as likely to come to the youngest Tendo's aid as attack her.

The Nichieju Elder started speeding towards the beach. Maybe she could catch a nap later. She was getting entirely too old for this.

--------

Motion in the bed stirred Ranma, but he was not having any of it. Reserves had been depleted, then had come a surge of entirely wrong energy, then had come the slow bringing back of normal power.

Besides, he was comfortable. He was at peace, however alien the thought might have been. Him? Ranma Saotome? Warm and comfortable on a soft bed? Preposterous! One might as well expect the sun to rise in the North. No fiancee splashing him with cold water and calling him names? No father throwing him outside for a quick sparring match (old man had to cheat just to keep up)? Ludicrous!

Ranma felt the cool air blowing in off the ocean as someone opened the sliding door to the room. He protested the unwelcome intrusion and curled closer to a source of warmth. Yes. Much better. Except that the warmth was moving?

Eyes shot open to see a red mop of hair, attached to a very curvy bundle which was responding in a similar manner to what Ranma had just a moment ago. In other words, she was latching on to a convienent source of warmth.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Ranma managed, realizing that he was still a she at the moment and that his identical twin was there in bed with him/her. And... oh yeah.

"Oh, and you two were so cute like that," Nodoka Saotome said quietly, smiling slightly as Ranma dropped from where he'd suddenly been clinging to the ceiling. "Well, at least you're both up."

Ranko gave her twin a disgusted look. "Ranma, could you find a quieter way to wake up? I'm still getting used to being human."

"Sorry," mumbled Ranma.

"It's just as well, I've got someone for you two to meet." Nodoka took a deep breath of the fresh sea air. "My sensei, you could say, who taught me the basics of adventuring when I was younger."

Ranma muzzily asked the obvious. "Indiana Jones?"(4)

"Not quite," said Nodoka. "We're meeting him for breakfast."

-------------

Akane did a number of things poorly. Restrain her temper. Cook. Almost any activity that required patience or was considered traditionally feminine in Japanese terms. Which included tea ceremony and flower arranging, not that either had anything at all to do with this story.

Akane DID actually excel at a number of activities as well. Fighting groups of ten to twenty hormonally addled boys of minimal combat experience. Breaking boards and bricks. Jogging. She also had a pretty good fashion sense and could choose clothes that made her look pretty cute. Which was one of the reasons she had to deal with the hormonally addled boys, but there's good and bad in almost everything. And while it could be said that a LARGE number of Ranma's rivals, challengers, and romantic interests were stronger and/or better fighters, Akane *was* a decent martial artist in her own right.

In the elemental approach to martial arts, Akane Tendo of the Anything Goes School Of Martial Arts was Earth element. Strong and durable, tough and enduring. However, the trade off was that she was slow and it took her some time to change course.

Sometimes she suffered from the same sort of foot-in-mouth disease that plagued all practitioners of Anything Goes martial arts, after all - the school's precept being Action Before Thought.

"m-m-m-m-married?! To KUNO?!" Akane twitched. Even coming from her mother, this was pretty horrible as ideas went. And finding this out in a popular family restaraunt setting (ie: it was a crowded House Of Pancakes in the early morning.)

"Yes, it became obvious that you two had serious feelings for each other just by watching you," Kimiko Tendo said from her position at the table. "This has already met your father's approval. Three months from now, a fairly large ceremony I would think."

Soun nodded. Though he also looked like he was ready to fall face forward into his oatmeal.

Akane's voice was very small. "me and kuno?"

"Since you're engaged, maybe you should call him 'koibito' or 'kareshi'," suggested Kimiko.

"Maybe 'Tate-chan' or 'Sweetheart'," suggested Kasumi helpfully.

"me and kuno?"

"How about 'anata' - that's traditional," suggested Nabiki, adjusting her wig slightly. "Kuno's family is pretty traditional, right Sasuke?"

"kuno? and me?"

Sasuke nodded repeatedly. "Yes, the Kunos are very bulwarks of tradition. In some ways at least. In others they sort of throw the book completely out the window. Actually, considering Mister Kuno's fondness for Hawaii, using an English term might be appropriate. Say 'dear' or 'sweetheart' or 'love' or something along that line."

"married?"

"Yes, and when you have children, it will assure the Tendo family legacy!" Soun nodded again. Then slowly and with some manner of dignity, he fell face first into his oatmeal.

"children?"

Kimiko smiled and considered Akane's expression. Ah, young love. If she didn't know better it would look like stark terror. But Akane was always the fearless one.

Kasumi clasped her hands together and turned an inquiring gaze towards her youngest sister. "Do you want the first one to be a boy or a girl? What kind of names do you think would be most appropriate?"

"Excuse me?" Akane got her voice back. "Children? Names? Are you sure you don't want to have me married immediately?"

Akane had meant it as sarcasm.

Her mother clapped her hands together, delighted. "What a wonderful idea! Sasuke, can you get the Kunos and see what they say?"

Tatewaki appeared, as if by magic. "OF COURSE! Clearly the young maiden, broken hearted by the losses recently, is anxious to find solace in the arms of her future husband! We should commence immediately!"

Mrs Kuno turned, revealing that they were at the next table. "Excellent. We can have a full formal ceremony later. We have had enough of death and mourning. Let today be of life and hope!"

"WHAT?!" Akane stood, shock falling away from her. "But you can't!"

Kodachi looked her over briefly, then whipped out a cloth briefly to cover Akane. When she whipped it away a moment later, it was to reveal Akane wearing a Western style wedding gown.

"WHAT?! HOW?!"

Kodachi shrugged. "I had one ordered. Looks like I overestimated the chest a little, and it seems tight in the waist. Ah well, we can make alterations later."

Akane trembled for a moment, then tossed the bouquet to Nabiki. "Here, could you hold this? I just remembered something that I left a burner on. Uhm. Bye!" *ZOOOOOoooooooom!*

"Poor dear must be shy," Kimiko theorized.

"AKANE TENDO! MY DEAREST!" Tatewaki Kuno pursued the frail but shy flower.

Nabiki exchanged a glance with those around her. "You realize, of course, what this situation calls for."

There were many nods.

-------------

A dark haired woman looked up from her magazine to look at the odd procession. "Boris, these Americans get crazier all the time."

"They're Americans, Natasha," agreed Boris as if that explained it all.

Natasha nodded. "Mousse and squirrel are coming over for bridge later."

Boris nodded back. Then reached over and deliberately touched a button on his boom box. "Bennie Hill Chase Music" began playing.

In the background, Akane ran, barefoot and wearing a wedding dress. Tatewaki right behind her.

Behind *him*, the rest of her family (her mother being carried on a sedan chair by four burly blonde gentlemen, Mrs Kuno in a similar arrangement right beside her) in close pursuit.

Behind *them* the entire crowd from the "International House Of Pancakes" who in turn was followed by who were followed by a large number of surfers and other young people who were certain that with this large a crowd there had to be a really good party about to commence, followed in their turn by a number of whistle blowing police (this parade did not have a permit after all) who were followed by a fair crowd of surf ninjas who had heard that Happosai's disciples were present and someone was overdue for a butt-whipping.

Natasha merely nodded. The music seemed oddly appropriate.

---------

(1) Sunabara - "sand rose". Hawaiian ninja. Original Character. Had an idea for "Mihoshi as a ninja-alchemist servant" and figured i might as well try it out.

(2) Kimiko Tendo, Keiko Kuno, Chukyo Kuonji, and Miao Yin are not the official names of these characters. There *are* no official names for these characters. If Kimiko offends thee, do a global replace on your copy.

(3) Really, is Tatewaki+Akane that much harder to picture than Shampoo+Mousse? Yet most link up the two Amazons without considering the parallels the two pairs have. Look at the original series.
Ranma insults Akane. Akane hits Ranma. Nodoka, Genma, Soun, even Kasumi - all state in the manga at one time or another (Kasumi did during the Battle Dogi) that this is proof that Ranma and Akane love each other. Kuno tries to hit Akane all the time. Akane insults and hits Kuno all the time. By using Takahashi logic, this means that Tatewaki Kuno and Akane really do have affection for each other. So, why not get these two lovebirds together? The Tatewaki+Akane pairing has at least as much reasonableness as Shampoo+Mousse.

(4) No. This is not Ranma's grandfather. Unless Jack Staik wants to take part in this round robin. Which frankly seems as unlikely as it would be welcome.

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