Author's Notes: This fic was written on a very gloomy day right after I first thought about it. I was listening to the song and pop! A fanfic! Please R&R! This is my first Ruhana.

Warning: Very angsty and this is a deathfic. Do not read when you in a particularly suicidal mode. It might lead you to committing suicide… ok, so not really. If you easily cry, then Kleenex, dear, should be right beside you.

Disclaimer: Yeah, I know. The SD boys aren't mine… maybe only Kogure…. Alright he isn't either! Happy people?

~*~*~

"Neither can you know whether a person loves you. It's just something you just have to believe or hope." --- Alberto Knox, Sophie's World

Alone Again

It was a dark day. It hasn't stopped raining ever since I got home. I sighed. It seems that I have the power to make the weather as gloomy as I am now. I sighed yet again. It should be a fascinating thought but how could a person so heartbroken as I am think about something connected to the word fascinating?

I stood up from my bed and slowly padded over to my bathroom. Opening the faucet, I washed my face then looked at my reflection on the mirror. I still wore that same suit I wore since I came home that morning. The same suit that I had worn just for him. For him.

I reached for my towel and went back to my bedroom. Upon reaching my desk, I turned the radio on. Music has always soothed my emotions. I wonder what the song would be.

I saw his picture. The picture that I had with him a month ago when he proposed to me. It was a picture Kimi-sempai had taken. We were sitting on a bench under a sakura on the park. He had an arm around my shoulders and we were smiling like complete idiots in-love. Damn. The picture brings too much memories. Too much painful memories. My eyes sting. Damn. I'm crying again.

I heard the entrance notes of the song and smiled to myself, recognizing the song. How applicable it is!

In a little while from nowIf I'm not feeling any less sourI promise myself to treat myselfAnd visit a nearby towerAnd climbing to the top, throw myself offIn an effort to make it clear to whoever

What's it like when you're shattered…

I need to stop this. I just can't hold this any longer. I thought that he would be the one who would finally love me. But he left. And I have nothing more to live for. I opened my drawer and got a pen and paper. Eventhough I have, yes, lost him, I know that I haven't lost all my friends. I still have them. I know that they would understand why I must do this. I know they would.

"My dearest friends,

I know that I'm a big do 'aho by doing this, but somehow thinking of what I will do (or what I did, considering that I won't be here anymore when you read this) relieves me of the pain I am still enduring until now. I hope you'll all forgive me for doing this."

Left standing in the lurch at a churchWhere people saying, "My God, that's tough"He stood her up"No point in us remaining"We may as well go home"As I did on my ownAlone again, naturally…

**Flashback**

"Why do you think he's late, Kimi-sempai?" I asked one of my very best friends who was standing next to his boyfriend.

I was in front of the church where Hana and I would recite our vows today. Akira and his boyfriend, Hiroaki-san, Fujima-san and Hanagata-san, Akagi-sempai, Ayako-san and Miyagi-san and some other friends and relatives, surrounded me. Akira and the others had become my close friends when we became teammates in college.

"Oh you know Sakuragi! Always late for everything including his own wedding!" Mitsui-sempai exclaimed jokingly.

I wanted to laugh. Mitsui-sempai was right, somehow.

"Yeah! When did that baka learn how to read time anyway?"

I glanced at the person beside Akira and smiled warily. "He knows how to. He did come on time once or twice, Hiroaki-san."

"Well, that bakamono better hurry up!" Akagi-sempai said.

I just smiled at them, happy at how concerned they were. "He'll be here."

"Yes, he will," Fujima-san said, offering me a reassuring smile.

"Maybe that self-proclaimed tensai was captured by aliens and when they realized that what they had was a complete baka instead of a tensai, they ditched him off out on outer space and…"

*WHAM!!!*

"Ite, Aya-chan! That hurt!"

Ayako-san glared at her boyfriend-soon-to-be-fiancée. "You're not helping Ryota! If you can't say anything good, just shut up!"

"Demo… demo… I just wanted to cheer the guy up!" Miyagi-san protested, holding his hands up in defense from his girlfriend's paper fan.

"Well, you're not…"

"Daijoubu, Ayako-san. I'm sure, Miyagi-san meant well," I told them.

Ayako-san crossed her arms in front of her chest and snorted. "Thank Rukawa, Ryota or else…"

"RUKAWA-KUN!!!"

That voice sounds familiar, I thought as we all turned around. I was right. It was Aida Hikoichi, the loud but friendly admirer of everyone he knew was great in basketball. He had become one of the best point guards in the district after Miyagi-san had retired.

"Nani, Hikoichi?" I asked, calmly. I'm sure that he won't clamor me with his interviews today.

He stopped in front of me and tried to catch his breath before looking up to me. His always cheerful and determined eyes were now full of pain and desperation. Demo, naze?

"First of all, what I'm going to tell you is the truth, Rukawa-kun. You have to trust me on this."

I smiled at him. "I've never known you to be a liar, Hikoichi."

Akira patted his back. "Go on, Hikoichi. Tell us."

"Sakuragi-san…"

"What about Hana?" I asked.

"He… he isn't coming to the wedding."

I shook my head. Surely, Hikoichi was just joking. "Iie. He's going to be here. Any minute now…"

"DAME DESU YO! He won't, Rukawa-kun!"

I wanted to scream at Hikoichi but thought not to. If I wanted to get the right information, hurting the informant won't do any good.

"Give me a damn good explanation, Hikoichi why he won't be here today."

But instead of giving me an explanation, he gave me a letter. "Read this, Rukawa-kun and maybe you'll understand me."

I reached out for the letter but Akira had beaten me to it.

"Give me the letter, Akira."

"I'm going to read it to you. You seem like you're going to tear the paper once you get a hold of it."

I nodded, giving him permission to read my letter.

"Kaede, first of all, I want to say that I loved you. Yes, I did. But it seems that it's not enough to vow that I would love you forever. Why, you might ask? Because, I love someone else more than I loved you. I know that you'd wanna know who that person is. It's Haruko-san, Kaede. And please don't hurt her. We're going far away and we won't bother you anymore. I think I have done enough damage and I don't want to hurt you anymore. Gomen ne, Kaede. Gomen. Take care of yourself. Sakuragi Hanamichi."

Tears were streaming down my eyes as Akira finished reading the letter. I didn't want to believe it. Akira was just lying. I grabbed the paper from his hands so I can prove to myself that it wasn't Hana's handwriting. My Hana would never tell that to me. My Hana loves me. He loves me. I know he does.

My eyes seem not to respond to my brain. It keeps sending signals that IT is Hana's writing. But it can't be. It just can't.

I can feel more tears flow on my cheeks. I can feel Kimi-sempai hugging me. I can hear Fujima-san's voice reassuring me. Mitsui-sempai, Akagi-sempai and Hiroaki-san were planning ways on how to hurt my Hana. But they can't. They won't hurt my Hana. Hana wasn't himself when he wrote that. It was that damn girl's entire fault. That's right. It's not Hana. It's Haruko. She's the one who'll pay. Yes….

"Kaede, everything will be alright. Come, let's just go back to your place and… Kaede?"

"Leave me alone, Kimi-sempai."

"Kaede…"

"Let him be, Min-kun. He needs to sort it out by himself," I heard Mitsui-sempai say as I ran from the church.

"Demo…"

**end of flashback**

I felt warm tears flow down my cheeks once again. I hurriedly wiped them off my face. No use crying over spilled milk, Kaede.

I went back to the letter I was writing, realizing just now that the letter was already nearing its end. After a few more words, I signed my name and folded it nicely. I put it on an envelope and put the names of the concerned people on it. Rising from my seat, I saw myself in the full-body mirror that one of my aunts had given me. I smoothed my hands on my midnight blue suit. Kimi-sempai and Hiroaki-san had been the ones who picked the suit for me, saying that it matched the color of my eyes perfectly. Staring at myself at the mirror, I found myself singing the next lines of the song.

To think that only yesterdayI was cheerful, bright and gayLooking forward to-well who wouldn't do-The role I was about to play…

Well, who wouldn't be excited? I was supposed to be married to the one person I have loved with all my heart. I was finally going to be with the one person who had loved me more than just a friend. I was so giddy yesterday that even I didn't recognize myself. I didn't even sleep well! Kami-sama! Sleep of all the things! I have already mastered it to the point of sleeping anywhere at anytime except in a basketball game. And as I was dressing up this morning, I was imagining how handsome he would be in his white suit. I found myself smiling and blushing at that thought. When Kimi-sempai and Mitsui-sempai fetched me and found me not yet finished with dressing up, Mitsui-sempai scolded me. Kimi-sempai laughed and told his boyfriend that I was probably daydreaming about Hana. Mitsui-sempai shook his head as we all laughed. That was the last time I laughed. And it really is the last time.

But as if to knock me down, reality came aroundAnd without so much, as a mere touchCut me into little pieces… Was it all a dream, then? Was it so wrong to share all my dreams with the one person who has staked a place in my thoughts and my heart. Was it so wrong to dream to be with someone I love? Was it so wrong for me to dream, to wish, to share my innermost desires with the one I love dearly? I think not. I knew right from the start that it was wrong and abnormal for me to love him. But love can be so powerful as to melt a heart of ice, invade it and make you go against all odds just to defend that love. Because even if it was wrong, I'd rather be wrong my whole life than not to have that love. The love that has taught me that there was actually life outside of basketball (with my first boyfriend, it was life AND basketball). The love that has given me a real reason to smile, to laugh, to care. The love that opened the locked gates of my heart. The love that made me love mornings. The love that made me yearn, hope and believe in his love. The same love that has broken my heart today. I had so many dreams for the both of us, Hana. I have always dreamed that once we're living under one roof, we'd take turns in doing the household chores. The house would be filled with laughter and love. We would wake up in each other's arms each morning. We would watch the sun set every afternoon. We would stay there until the stars and the moon bathe us in its warm glow. Then, we would take turns on telling each other what happened for that day when I went to work, when you went to work. We would share each other's laughter, pains, tears, joys… everything. And it wouldn't matter if the world turned it back against us. As long as you're with me… as long as I know that you love me… I can live. With you… I can live. Just because you're with me. Just because you love me. Leaving me to doubtTalk about God and His mercyWho if He really does existWhy does He desert me?In my hour of need I truly am indeed… I trotted towards my kitchen and got a knife. I would've considered just buying a bottle of poison to make it painless, but somehow I knew that no matter how much physical pain I would get, I wouldn't feel it anyway. The pain in my heart surpasses all those. Once again, I padded over to the bedroom and took my last picture with Hana, the picture with my friends, and the letter. I laid them on my bed as I sat down, the knife in my right hand. A sad smile graces my pale features. Alone again, naturally…

My gaze turned towards the picture which too much painful memories. Hana-kun…I'm not angry at you, Hana. I don't despise you. I don't hate you. In fact, I still love you, Hana. I looked at the silver knife in my right hand. I placed it on my left wrist. There was no turning back now. I took a deep breath. I slowly slashed my left wrist. Blood started to come out. Dark. Just like today. Red. The color of love. For my friends. For Hana.

Seems to me that there are more heartsBroken in the world that can't be mendedLeft unattendedWhat do we do, what do we do? … Blood continued to gush out from the wrist that I slashed. A few moments went by, and there was no reaction coming from my slashed wrist. Then, my vision began to blur. I started to feel lightheaded. My head started to swirl around. I lied down beside the pictures. I reached for the one with Hana and me. "Ha…na…" I stroked Hana's part in the picture. My vision blurred even more. I won't be able to see you smile again, Hana. I won't be able to hear you laugh, won't be able to hear you see 'Ore Wa Tensai'. I'm going to miss you my Hana. A tear slowly flowed down from my eyes. The last tear I knew I would I cry. "Ai… shite… ru…. Ha… na…" was the last thing I said before my sapphire blue eyes closed eternally. ~*~*~*~ "I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE!!!!" "MIN-KUN! CALM DOWN!" Kogure Kiminobu glared at his boyfriend as he paced across the floor of Sendoh Akira and Koshino Hiroaki's apartment. After settling all the important matters regarding Rukawa and Sakuragi's cancelled wedding, Sendoh had invited Kogure and Mitsui Hisashi, Fujima Kenji and Hanagata Toru, Ayako and Miyagi Ryota, Akagi Takenori, Aida Hikoichi and Mito Youhei to the apartment he shared with his boyfriend. There, Hikoichi narrated everything he knew. Akagi had tried contacting Haruko by land and by mobile phone. Youhei had tried the same with Sakuragi. But both seemed eager to erase their identities in Kanagawa. Akagi had been very angry at his imouto and almost put a hole on the wall of the apartment. That didn't happen, thanks to the combined efforts of Youhei, Mitsui and Sendoh. It has been seven hours since what happened in the Church. And for the past five hours that they spent in the apartment, Kogure, Fujima and Ayako had taken turns in burning a hole on the floor. And now, Kogure just couldn't stand it anymore.

"Let's go, Hisashi," he said firmly as he grabbed the shooting guard's hand.

"Min-kun…"

Kogure turned and stated, "Look here, Hisashi. I'm really, really worried about Kaede and I won't spend another damn minute waiting here! Kaede might've killed himself by now, knowing him! Hisashi, onegai…"

Mitsui nodded and turned to the others. "Iko, minna!"

Kogure hugged his boyfriend. "Thanks, 'Sashi," he whispered.

"It's nothing, Min-kun. I just hope Kaede's still alive."

~*~*~

"KAEDE! OPEN THE DAMN DOOR, KAEDE!" Sendoh's voice rang loudly.

Mitsui banged the door. "OPEN IT DAMMIT!"

Koshino tried turning the knob. "Uh, guys… it's open."

They all sweatdropped and why-didn't-I-think-about-that's were heard. "Oh," they said in unison.

They quietly stepped in. The lights were open, but the curtains were draped closed that gave a very gloomy atmosphere to the house. The living room was dead quiet, but they could hear music coming from the bedroom.

"Kaede?" Kogure said softly.

"Maybe he's in the bedroom," Hanagata offered.

Taking Hanagata's advice, they started to trot towards the bedroom. Upon reaching it, Mitsui slowly turned the knob.

"Kae…"

"KAEDE!" Kogure cried out as soon as he saw blood trickling down from the ace's wrist.

He pushed Mitsui aside and rushed to Rukawa's side. The flow of blood from Rukawa's wrist was slowly decreasing. He checked for a pulse. None. He checked if he was still breathing. He wasn't either. Tears started to flow from his eyes. He couldn't believe it. Rukawa Kaede was dead. His best friend was … dead.

"Min-kun…" Mitsui said, putting a hand on his boyfriend's shoulder.

Kogure turned around. "He's … he's dead, Hisashi. He's dead."

Mitsui wrapped his arms around Kogure and tried to soothe him, but he, too, was breaking down. Akagi was silent in one corner, though he was already wiping some tears that had escaped his eyes. Hikoichi, for once, was out of words. Fujima was already crying in Hanagata's arms, who also had tears in his eyes. Sendoh still couldn't believe his eyes or his ears. He was shaking his head vigorously.

Rukawa Kaede can't be dead. He just can't! Sendoh thought.

He slowly walked towards Mitsui and Kogure. "Kimi, tell me that you're lying. Ka… Kaede can't be dead. He just can't be!"

Getting no response from the pair, he turned to Rukawa, caressing his pale - now cold - face.

"Kaede? This is just a joke, ne? But this isn't a nice joke! KAEDE! OPEN YOUR EYES, KAEDE! IT'S NOT FUNNY ANYMORE! Ka… Kaede…"

Sendoh broke down. Suddenly, he felt Koshino's warm arms embrace him.

"Let it go, Akira. Let him go," Koshino softly said as he gently stroked Sendoh's hair.

"He … he can't be dead, Hiroaki. He … just … can't…"

Koshino tightened his embrace around his boyfriend. He closed his eyes, tears streaming down. He and Rukawa hadn't hit it on the right foot when they met in college, he remembered. Sendoh had been Rukawa's boyfriend back then and he was playing the role of the jealous best friend. But he became very close with the super rookie when Sendoh had broken up with him. Rukawa had turned to Koshino for comfort, much to his surprise. He opened his eyes and looked at Rukawa's pale face. There were tearstains on Rukawa's face, but there was a smile on his usually pursed lips. Rukawa, he observed, was clasping a picture near his heart. Koshino reached out and saw that it was the picture that Kogure had taken when Sakuragi proposed to Rukawa. A blue envelope beside Rukawa caught his eye. He reached for it and saw another framed picture beneath it. It was a picture of all of them that was taken on Rukawa's birthday that year. He put his attention back to the envelope.

"Hey guys, he left us a letter."

With everyone's attention gotten, Koshino opened the envelope, and then unfolded the blue stationary.

"My dearest friends,

"I know that I'm a big do 'aho by doing this, but somehow thinking of what I will do (or what I did, considering that I won't be here anymore when you read this) relieves me of the pain I am still enduring until now. I hope you'll all forgive me for doing this.

"I have loved Hana with all of my heart and now that he's gone, I have nothing more to live for. Hana was my life. And when he went away, he took my heart and life with him. So what's the use of living if I'm not truly alive anyway? My words are not enough anymore to express my feelings of pain. But, I have no regrets in ending my life at such a young age. I have lived long enough to know and be loved by such great people.

"Kimi-sempai, my best friend, you have always been there for me even though at first, I tried to ignore you. I'm for sometimes being a burden. I hope you'll be happy with Mitsui-sempai. I'll never forget you. I love you, Kimi-sempai.

"Mitsui-sempai, take care of Kimi-sempai for me. Love him and give him the happiness he deserves. Thank you for being an older brother that I never had.

"Akira, my first love, you have touched my life in ways unexplainable in words. I will always cherish my memories with you and I will never forget you. My love for you has never ceased though you and I know that I love Hana more.

"Hiroaki-san, tank you for being my adviser and friend. I was never angry with you for becoming Akira's boyfriend after me. In fact, I'm happy. Because both of you have found happiness and love in each other's arms.

"Akagi-sempai, you are the best captain I've ever had. Together with Anzai-sensei, you hold a special place in my heart for making me realize my dreams.

"Ayako-san, thank you for your encouraging words. They really help a lot.

"Miyagi-san, you are a friend who never fails to do the right stuff when needed. Take care of Ayako-san. You had a hard time a hard time bagging her. ^_^ v

"Fujima-san and Hanagata-san, though we've never been that close, both of you have been my guardian angels. Thank you for everything.

"Haruko, yes I hate you with all the power that I have but I'll despise you even more if you don't make my Hana happy.

"And to you my dearest Hana, with you, I have proven that true love is a combination of the joys of heaven and the pains of hell. I know that I don't often tell or show you just how deeply my affections run. I know that it's too late now, but somehow, I need to tell you all these. I love you, Sakuragi Hanamichi. I love you so much that I have learned to stop masquerading, put down all my pretenses and let love infect me. Hana, you made me live as Rukawa Kaede. Not as Rukawa Kaede, the basketball star. Not as Rukawa Kaede, the ice prince. Just Rukawa Kaede, period. You gave me a purpose to live, something or someone to live for. YOU. you became the sole purpose of my existence.

"When Hikoichi gave me your letter and Akira read it, my whole world suddenly crumbled. It was like the whole world was turning and it left me standing still. I was angry at Haruko. At you. At the world. But a few hours after thinking and walking in the rain, I realized that you loved her. And that she loved you, too. You were happy and that's all that's all that mattered. So now, I can accept the fact that I cannot have you. That you cannot love me as much as I do. That you love her and not me. THAT I have dealt with and dueled with, with all the power inside me that I could summon. So my dear Hana, I don't hate you. I may hate you for a second, but I will continue to love you for the next millions of seconds. I will always love you, Hana, may it be as a boyfriend, a lover, a brother, or a rival. Always and forever.

"Minna, arigato gozaimashita. You have been with me in ups and in downs, in sorrow and bliss, and even if the world almost denounced me. I know how much you all love me, and I thank you for that love so unselfishly given.

"One last favor, though. Please give Hana his part of the letter.

"I can never express how grateful I am to have know all of you. I will never forget you. I will always love all of you. You are not just a part of my life after all, my dear loved ones…

YOU. ARE. MY. LIFE.

Rukawa Kaede"

And as Koshino stopped reading the letter, the sobs became more audible. Kogure suddenly pounded his fist on the bed, taking everybody by surprise.

"That's all, Kaede? That's the reason why you took your life away? Didn't you even, for one millisecond, think what I would feel? What all of us would feel? You still had us, Kaede. Even if Hanamichi left you, you still had me… us. Dammit, Kaede. Why did you have to die?" he said before crying and hugging Rukawa's figure.

Everyone was silent. They knew how close Rukawa was to the vice-captain. They understood why Kogure had reacted like that. Rukawa was like Kogure's little brother.

Kogure was still crying hard when he heard Sendoh say softly, "Ai shiteru, Kaede."

The bespectacled boy looked up and heard Koshino repeat the same line. One by one, except for Kogure, they told Rukawa how much he meant to them.

"You were never alone, Rukawa," Mitsui said as he sat on the bed where Rukawa lay, beside his boyfriend.

"Yes, Kaede. You had us," Sendoh said.

"Ai shiteru, Rukawa Kaede," Kogure said, smiling as he leaned on his boyfriend.

Unknown to all of them in that room, there was a tall, pale, raven-haired man standing near the windowsill. The man was smiling to them.

"Yes, I had all of you. I love you," he whispered before he disappeared, his words left unheard.

-owari-

Author's Notes: *tries hard to evade tomatoes and rocks being thrown by Rukawa and RuHana fans* I know that it really sucks, but please be patient! This is my first RuHana and I wrote this especially for the day my heart died which is when I finished this fic. Thank you for reading and please REVIEW!! I finished this a month ago but only finished typing it now!

Standard Disclaimers Apply.

Rukawa: Why did you let me die?! Kimi-sempai could've still saved me! You're so

MEAN!

Yana: Gomen ne, Kaede-kun! I just had to do that for the sake of the day you know. Don't

worry, though. I'll never let you die again in my next fics! Yakusoku! I love you too much to do that!

Kogure: I thought I'm the one you love?

Yana (hugs Kogure): Of course I love you! I love you the most!

Rukawa: Oi! You're forgetting me! Are you sure you're not going kill me next time?

Yana: Hai!

Rukawa: Yosh! I can still conquer America!

Yana: Yare-Yare. Some people never change.

~*~*~

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