Tekken Fan Fiction ❯ Kazuya Knows Best ❯ Insert Stupid, Inane Title Here ( Chapter 21 )

Announcer: In the last episode of Kazuya Knows Best, Kazuya rose to Namco's defense...

Kazuya: I'LL take the position!

 

Announcer: But not without a little competition...

 

J. Thompson: (smiles evily) Kiss the game industry good-bye.

 

Announcer: However, Kazuya proved to be relentless...

 

Kazuya: Now does this seem like the sort of man who would be a bad role model for children? A violent, uncontrollable monster, as he has been portrayed?

Announcer: Which is more than could be said of his opponent...

J. Thompson: People are threatening to kill me! (runs away screaming)

 

Announcer: And now for the conclusion of 'Trial by Terror'!

 

(Kazuya and Jun are in the living room watching television)

 

Kazuya: (flipping through channels) Cripes, there's never anything on but...what the hell is this?

 

Host: YO YO YO, my (the n word I'm not allowed to use as a white guy)s, whattup, dis is the Spike TV Video Game Awards, an' it's about time to bring down the ho-uuuuse! Now let's give it up, for my main man, SNOOOOP!!!

 

(crowd cheers)

 

Snoop Dog: Hellizzile, my nizzles, thizzizzille's the gamizzle showizzle.

 

Host: Da-yamn!! Now, we got up next, the Spike TV Video Game Awards dancers!

 

(several women dressed like dancers on the set of In Living Color come onto the stage)

 

(10 minutes later)

 

Host: A'ight! A'ight! Now that was HOT! We got up next, my numbah one beeyatch, Anna Nicole Smith!

 

(crowd goes wild)

 

(Anna Nicole Smith stumbles out)

 

Anna Nicole Smith: Alright, let's get this thing finished 'cause I'm gettin' horny. (starts humping podium) The nominees for games... (reading card) ...for good game or somethin', I don't know, I can't read that, it's got too many (CENSORED)ing letters...uh.....the 'catgore' for best game is...Grand Theft Auto: Philidelphia...True Crime 3...Madden NFL 1006...50 Cent: Waterproof...Halo Version 2.5...187: Ride, But I'd Rather Die...Need For Speed Most Wanted High Stakes Underground Porsche Unleashed 2...Marvel Nemesis...The Getaway: Purple Thursday...

 

Host: Yo! Ho! Jus' announce GTA already!

 

Anna Nicole Smith: Hey, (CENSORED) you! I had to (CENSORED) your (CENSORED) just to get on here, so shut the (CENSORED) up! (opens up envelope) And the winner is...Ico.

 

(crowd looks confused)

 

Host: (Comes up to Anna Nicole Smith and rips the envelope out of her hand) That don't say no damn Ico, crazy beeyatch, dat's Grand Theft Auto!

(crowd cheers)

 

Anna Nicole Smith: How the (CENSORED) should I know, all those words look the same to me...

Kazuya: Bullshit! (turns off television)

 

Jun: Is everything alright, Kazuya?

Kazuya: It's...no, it's not, Jun. I'm not going to lie to you. We're in a fight for our lives, a fight I'm not sure we can win.

 

Jun: Kazuya...

 

Kazuya: I don't know what's going on anymore. This whole world is going mad. Things we'd taken for granted are suddenly being stolen from us. There's nothing left we can depend on anymore, and I hate to say it, but for the first time in my life...I'm afraid. I'm really afraid. 'Cause I don't know what's going to happen.

 

(Kazuya puts his coat on and heads for the door)

 

Jun: Kazuya! (runs after him)

 

(Kazuya holds Jun in his arms)

 

Jun: Please, don't leave...we can just run away, and forget all of this...

 

Kazuya: ...I'm sorry. I can't escape my destiny. (lets go of Jun, heading outside into the rain)

 

(at the courthouse)

 

Judge: The defense should have been here by now, where is he?

 

Namco executive #1: It's too late. We're not getting out of this one alive.

 

Namco executive #2: Then it looks like we'll have to fall back on our old Pac-Man milking days...

 

(Namco executives commit harakiri. Namco's very strict like that.)

 

J. Thompson: Honestly, are all of you gamers on drugs, or what?

 

Judge: If the defense isn't going to appear, then I'm afraid I have no choice but to ask the jury to come to a verdict. Right now. There's a football game tonight.

 

J. Thompson: (repetitively) Kiss the game industry good-bye.

 

(courtroom door dramatically slams open)

 

Kazuya: NOT TODAY, FRIENDS!

 

Everyone but J. Thompson and the impartial judge: YAY!

 

Kazuya: (pointing dramatically at J. Thompson) Thompson, your game persecuting days are over! You'd better start jogging again, Jack, because you'll be back to your ambulance-chasing ways soon enough!

 

J. Thompson: No, but thanks. I'm too busy destroying Best Buy and Rockstar.

 

Kazuya: (confused) ...shut up!

 

Judge: Mr. Mishima, if we shall continue...

Kazuya: Of course, your honor. I'd like to call to the stand...Kevin Moore!

 

Everyone: GASP!

 

Kevin Moore, the screwed up S.O.B. who one night killed several cops and blamed his being a crazy (CENSORED)er on video games: (steps up to the witness stand)

Kazuya: So tell me, you crazy (CENSORED)er you, why you think video games are responsible for your little indiscretion.

 

Kevin Moore: Yeah, it's 'cause of those video games like Grand Theft Auto that made me kill and stuff, see I was playing these games and I was like, man, it would be so awesome if I did this in real life.

 

Kazuya: ...

 

Kevin Moore: Don't tell me I'm the only one who got a (I'm not sure if I can say this word on this site) in my pants killing hookers!

 

Jury: ...

 

Kevin Moore: Oh yeah, like none of you bitches ever thought about how fun it'd be to actually kill people in real life after playing Super Mario Brothers!

 

Kazuya: Super Mario Brothers?

 

Kevin Moore: Yeah, you know, you just stomp on one of those turtles, and suddenly you got that urge to pump a few rounds into some bitch cop's head.

 

Kazuya: ... (turns to jury) It was my intention to prove to you today that this crazy (CENSORED)er's word isn't worth shit. Clearly, I've succeeded. (to J. Thompson) Your witness.

 

(J. Thompson shakes his head, not even wanting to waste his time with him)

 

Kazuya: That will be all. You're free to burn in hell now, Mr. Moore.

 

Kevin Moore: (shrugs) Life is like a video game, you've gotta die sometime.

 

Kazuya: (under his breathe) Not if you beat the game, dumbass.

 

Judge: Would the defense wish to call any further witnesses?

 

Kazuya: Yes, they would. I wish to call...myself.

 

Everyone: GASP!

 

(Kazuya steps up to the witness stand)

 

Kazuya: (clears throat)

 

(Kazuya steps down and faces toward witness stand)

 

Kazuya: Mr. Mishima, how many years have you been employed by the defendant Namco?

 

(Kazuya steps up to the witness stand)

 

Kazuya: Over ten years no-

 

Judge: What are you doing?

 

Kazuya: Standing in as both the witness and defense.

 

Judge: Stop it. It annoys me.

 

Kazuya: ...yes, your honor. (stands up before catching himself and promptley sitting back down) Uh...Mr. Mishima...tell me, how...you...I'm sorry, this just isn't working. (gets up) Mr. Mishima, in your tim-

 

Judge: Mr. Mishima, stop this at once! I will not allow you to make a mockery of this court! That's the prosecution's job.

 

J. Thompson: (too busy hitting on a female juror to be offended) You just watch. There is going to be a Columbine times 10 incident, and everyone will finally get it. Either that, or some video gamer is going to go Columbine at some video game exec's expense or at E3, and then the industry will begin to realize that there is no place to hide, that it has trained a nation of Manchurian Children.

 

Manchurian juror sitting next to female juror: Go (CENSORED) yourself.

 

J. Thompson (still talking to female juror): (points to dirty Manchurian) I couldn't care less if they're listening.

 

Kazuya: Uh...alright...let's see...uh...okay...yeah, I've been employed by Namco for about ten years now...and, uh, in my opinion...this company's not that bad...thank you.

 

(Kazuya proceeds to step down from the witness stand)

 

J. Thompson: Not so fast! I wish to cross-examine the 'witness'.

 

Judge: Very well. Mr. Mishima, remain where you are.

 

Kazuya: (in a Scottish accent) Shite!

 

J. Thompson: (approaches witness stand) Now, Mr. Mishima, isn't it true that you yourself have been suspected of engaging in a number of violent acts at home, such as throwing relatives off cliffs?

 

Judge: I remind you, Mr. Mishima, that you are under oath.

 

Kazuya: I understand that, your honor. (to J. Thompson) No.

 

Paul: Damn, Mishima's kicking ass up there!

 

Marshall : You can say that again!

 

Paul : I think I will.

 

Marshall: ...

 

Paul: ...

 

Marshall: ...well?

Paul: What?

 

Marshall: Aren't you going to say it?

 

Paul: ...I'll get around to it.

 

J. Thompson: I see...so, even though you were thrown off a cliff as a child by your father, you never felt it necessary to track him down and return the favor? Ladies and gentlemen of the court, I think we can hereby find the witness of being a (ENTER FEMALE GENITALIA HERE).

 

Judge: Heh heh heh!

 

Kazuya: YOU LITTLE F-

 

(Jun glares at Kazuya)

 

Kazuya: ...unny guy. Heh. This...this is a funny guy here. Heh.

 

J. Thompson: Mr. Mishima, as a veteran of the Tekken series, would it be fair to say you have a level of control over it?

 

Kazuya: 'A level of control'? Since I came back from Tekken 4 I've practically run it!

 

J. Thompson: So then, surely, it would come to your attention if something in the games might not be considered 'family friendly'?

 

Kazuya: Tekken's always been about family, like the relationship I've had with my old man. That's why, when they put that sex minigame in Tekken 5, I said, "hey, kids shouldn't see that, hide that or something!" That's how much I care about family.

 

Jury: GASP!

 

Heihachi: WHAT?

 

Jun: What the (CENSORED)?

 

Lee: (spills drink) Ow, this is some hot coffee!"

 

Kazuya: (just realizes what he said) ...oh shit.

 

J. Thompson: Mr. Mishima, would you mind repeating that again?

 

Kazuya: Oh. Right. Tekken's always been about family.

 

J. Thompson: After that.

 

Kazuya: Oh, there was more? I have no recollection of that.

 

J. Thompson: Mr. Mishima, what was it that you were talking about relating to a sex minigame?

 

Kazuya: (pretends to look like he's thinking) ...to the best of my abilities, I honestly in no way recall making such a statement.

 

(J. Thompson pulls out a tape recorder)

 

Tape recorder: That's why, when they put that sex minigame in Tekken 5, I said, "hey, kids shouldn't see that, hide that or something!"

 

Kazuya: ...that could be anybody!

 

J. Thompson: That will be all, Mr. Mishima.

 

Judge: Court is dismissed.

 

(people proceed to leave, except for a man in a cheap suit and clip-on tie)

 

Rockstar Games Executive: You bastards stole our idea! We'll see you in court! (leaves)

 

Jun: KAZUYA...

 

Kazuya: Ju...Jun...I...I can explain...

 

(Jin walks up to the camera while Jun curses out Kazuya)

 

Jin: Well, what can I say? That's my mama!

 

(audience laughs)

 

(End of Chapter 21)

 

Okay. NOW one more chapter. And I mean it this time. Of course that's what I thought last chapter. And the one before that. So I guess you can't belive anything I say.

 

And don't forget to tune in to the next Spike TV Video Game Awards show!

You know, if you believe in assisted suicide, and want to kill yourself by means of 'death by retardation'.

 

I'm really not one for Anna Nicole Smith jokes. Personally, I don't think there's been anything said about her more embarrassing than the stuff she's done. I actually kind of feel sorry for her. But she had to appear on the Spike TV Video Game Awards show. Anyone who does that has it coming.

 

And yes, Snoop Dog and Anna Nicole Smith are the kind of people they have at those 'video game awards shows'. Don't even ask me about that. I don't know. I can only ask why.

 

Just a little thing to note. In chapter 18, Kazuya referred to the media as "right-wing". What I meant to say was "left-wing". I'm sorry about that, as I know that must have caused quite a bit of confusion.

 

"Life is like a video game, you've gotta die sometime." When he said that, one thing was made apparant: Devin Moore's never actually beaten a game in his life. That's sad. No wonder he went all screwy. I suppose I would too if I found a way to die in Elmo in Grouchland. It's a real game. Look it up.

 

I apologize to the Manchurian population. That's an actual Thompson quote. I guess he just doesn't like 'certain ethnicities'.

 

I've actually been writing most of the last couple chapters at work. In the bathroom stall. Yeah, I like slacking off. But on the other hand, I don't like getting caught slacking off, since they don't like that sort of thing. So I've found the bathroom stall's a good place to rest. People rarely use it, preferring the urinals, so it doesn't smell. And there you have it. I write this crap on the pot. I guess it really is just toilet humor.

 

That's it for now. Go play Urban Reign.