Vision Of Escaflowne Fan Fiction ❯ Guilt Trip ❯ Guilt Trip ( One-Shot )

Disclaimer: I don’t own The Vision of Escaflowne or any of it’s characters or merchandise. I own no aspect of it whatsoever, nor do I claim to. No money is being made from this fan fiction, it is for entertainment purposes only.  

As I sit reading a book I realize that I’ve read the same sentence over and over again for about ten minutes. I feel her eyes on me again. She’s just sitting there, so still, like a statue. It isn’t like her. Usually, she’s up running around or outside playing. I can’t imagine what she could be thinking, yet I find myself trying to imagine it. And what I think up scares me.

Her eyes, though the color is different, are a lot like Dilandau’s eyes. The way I’ve heard him described when he sat and stared at nothing, apparently off in his own little world. That’s how Celena looks right now, my baby sister.

Of course, I know she’s not physically a child any longer. I also know the havoc she caused as Dilandau. It’s still hard for me to believe that such a gentle person could become, in any capacity, such a crazed monster. And I fear for her.

I fear that she may become like that once again, especially when she stares off into space, or stares at me, in such a way. It’s like she’s no longer herself. I don’t know if she’s stuck between Dilandau and herself or if she’s just having a rare moment of quiet indecision of what to do next, play or try to pester me.

Of course, she is never a bother, but I feel frightened for her and for Gaea if she ever became Dilandau again. As far as I know, neither Celena nor Dilandau knew of each other’s existence and I would love to keep it that way.

I feel like a bastard, keeping this from her. I should sit her down one day and speak to her about this. Yet, I know that I never will. I’m too afraid that speaking to her about Dilandau and what he did will bring back memories and cause him to resurface again. Perhaps, this time, crazier than before.

And yet…it isn’t Gaea that I’m really worried about. It’s Celena. It’s myself. I don’t want to lose Celena again. Selfish, I know. Not the sort of mentality that a Knight of Heaven should have. I should be worried not only about Celena but mostly about Gaea itself, no thoughts of myself. But, I can’t seem to do it.

I’ve tried, many times, to make myself forget about my own feelings and ask myself if I would keep this from her if I weren’t afraid of what would happen to me if I lost her again. The answer is simple. I still would not tell her. If not for fear for myself and her, I would still have fear for Gaea. That alone would prevent me from it.

Still, she sits there and thinks and stares at me as if she sees nothing. I’m afraid to look at her outright. I know that if I did, I would show fear and sadness in my features. She would later ask me why I looked at her that way and then I would have to tell her another lie.

I hate to lie. Yet, I lie to my own sister each and every day that I hide this from her. How can I ever look at myself in the mirror again?