Weiss Kreuz Fan Fiction ❯ This is Not My Life ❯ Whatever gets you on ( Chapter 2 )

"Whatever gets you on"

-YOHJI-



I've gotten in the habit of paying close attention to the newspaper after missions. It's pretty interesting to see what part of the news actually makes it into print.

For example, the serial killer we silenced last night? Not a word. He was a respected and powerful philanthropist after all. Well, when he wasn't disemboweling people that is.

But that cult that congregates around Tokyo harbor--you know, the one that claims that Tama-chan the seal is our only hope to save us from communist guerillas--all over page one. They are predicting the end of the world. Now that's news.

I hope I'm not the only one out there that finds this pretty messed up.

It's funny how the older I get, the more my life seems to be nothing more that a satiric made-for-TV movie version of how things ought to have turned out.

When I was a kid, I thought that was exactly what I wanted.

To live in a movie, I mean.

I will of course, be the first to admit that I was not the brightest kid around. But you have to understand where I'm coming from.

Take an only child, add the term 'latch key,' throw in negligent parents who fought a lot, shake, then stir. Hello, you are now looking at Yohji Kudoh's childhood.

Pretty sad, huh?

I was what you could call an escapist. I was obsessed with anything that was not my real life. Now, my childhood wasn't horrible or anything, just tediously boring and uneventful. And, well, a little more attention would have been nice too. Anyway, I dealt with this by watching a lot of movies and TV. I read plenty of books and comics as well. Anything to add some excitement to the prospect of sitting around a locked apartment all day.

When I started going to school, one of the first things they told us was, "When you grow up, you can be anything you want to be." So, at the age of five, I decided it was time to start thinking about my future. After some really serious consideration, I came up with the perfect plan. I wanted to be…a dinosaur! Not just any dinosaur either, I was going to be a fire-breathing dinosaur. To my five-year-old mind, it seemed like a fail-safe career plan. I mean, dinosaurs are cool. Everyone would want to be friends with a dinosaur! I'd never have to be scared again, either. If anyone tried to hurt me I could just step on them. Or burn them to a crisp. And best of all, dinosaurs didn't need to live with their parents. Yep, being a dinosaur was definitely the life for me!

I can't remember if I'd had a specific type of dinosaur in mind. Maybe a triceratops. I always thought their horns were pretty nifty.

Now, a normal kid's parents would have explained to their child the problem with wanting to grow up to be a different species. Not to mention the even greater problem, when said species happens to be extinct. But my parents…well, I rather doubt that they were even listening when I told them about my great life plan. They just said, "That's nice," patted me on the head, and resumed arguing. So it was an entire year before I discovered that I was going to have to rethink my career choice.

However, about that same time I chanced to acquire a stack of Space Ranger comics. They were like a divine message bestowed upon me by God. If I couldn't be a dinosaur, well then, Space Ranger had the answer! I could explore the unknown! Establish colonies! Fight space aliens! Yeah, fighting aliens was even better than being a dinosaur! Dinosaurs are cool…but space heroes are cool and brave.

Yep! I had it all figured out.

Then one day at school my teacher asked us to write a paragraph about what we wanted to be when we grew up. I was pretty proud of my essay…until my teacher asked me to stay inside for recess to discuss my assignment. I thought that maybe she was going to congratulate me on being so ambitious to undertake such an obviously dangerous and difficult career. But no; instead she had a little heartfelt chat with me about the fact that astronauts don't get to fight space aliens. Nor do they explore other planets, or establish colonies. They just go up and down and orbit the earth. I think she also threw in the fact that the government was unlikely to hire an astronaut who continually failed spelling. Lovely lady. Really.

Well, anyway, this was really upsetting news to me. It meant that I had been deceived not only by Space Ranger, but by Star Trek, and Star Wars too. Just what was there left for me to believe in now?

I think that this was when my cynical streak began to develop.

So, a recognizable cycle came into play.

I wanted to be an archeologist…until I realized that their lives were nothing like Indiana Jones.

I wanted to be a pirate…until I found out that they didn't really exist anymore.

I wanted to be a cowboy…until someone told me that there isn't any real demand for Japanese cowboys.

Was every cool job ever invented already out of business? It seemed like I was doomed to a really boring life just like my parents.
Er, parent.
By this point my dad wasn't around anymore. I think he went back to the states. Or wherever the hell he originally came from.

Anyway, this is why, at the age of ten, when I announced that I was going to be a secret agent, nobody took me seriously.

Everyone said, "Oh that Yohji and his overactive imagination! It's just another phase he's going through. You'll see, someday he'll settle down and make a fine lawyer!"

But this time it wasn't a phase. There was no reason for me to give up on my dream this time. I could be a secret agent. I just had to work hard enough. So I worked damn hard. My grades steadily improved. I mean, cowboys and pirates don't have to be exceptionally smart, but secret agents do! I paid attention to everything. Who knew when some obscure fact might prove essential in solving a case? I took up running; secret agents need to be fast! I even joined my school's wilderness club. I was all about building up my survival skills. I was so happy to finally settle on a permanent goal to work for. By Jove, I was not going to end up like my parents!

My entire life began to revolve around secret agent stuff. I just couldn't get enough of James Bond. I thought that Mission Impossible rocked too.

But oddly enough, what spoke to me the most was an old and fairly obscure American Show. Have you ever seen Get Smart? Probably not, huh. It's not exactly well known here in Japan. I only chanced to find it because I so actively pursued all things 'secret agent.' It was a great show. Maxwell Smart was my hero.

Now, to anyone who has actually seen this show, that might seem sort of odd. I mean, why on earth would I like a guy like Maxwell Smart better than someone like, say, James Bond? No one's cooler than Bond, right? Well, that was part of the problem. James Bond was too perfect--too Hollywood--too well, cool. I didn't quite trust him. I was afraid he'd turn out as unobtainable as Space Ranger, and Indiana Jones. But Max Smart, well, he seemed like a real down to earth guy. Not particularly attractive, or especially intelligent. He was in fact pretty average. Which meant that if a guy like Max could make a good secret agent, so could I! In fact, I was pretty sure I had him beat in both looks and brains, so I was all set!

More importantly, though, what really made me respect him was that Maxwell Smart didn't work alone. This too may seem odd. Being able to handle anything alone is the essence of cool, and wasn't that what I wanted? It was…but that was no longer my top priority. I wanted to be cool, for sure, but what I wanted most was to not be lonely anymore. You see, I never really felt like I had anyone I could depend on growing up. I don't think that my parents had planned on having me, because I always seemed like an afterthought to them. I wanted that stability that I was always missing. I wanted someone who would be completely devoted to me. Which is exactly what Maxell Smart had. He had a partner; a beautiful, intelligent partner who was always there for him.

Normal boys my age obsessed over supermodels and famous singers. Not me. I was in love with Agent 99. She seemed like the perfect woman to me. Solving mysteries, rescuing Max, it seemed like she could do anything. A person like 99 was exactly what I needed to fill that void in my life. Guys like Bond went through women faster than he could change his clothes. But Maxwell Smart was always true to 99. In fact, I think they even got married at the end of the series. I really respected that. It was what really drove me to look up to Max.

That, and I thought that shoe phone of his was damn cool.

So for a while, it seemed like everything was falling precisely into place. There wasn't exactly a large job market for secret agents, but I did manage to get myself a position as a private detective, which was more than close enough to satisfy me. And I got the partner of my dreams. Asuka was smart, beautiful, everything I had hoped to find in life. We were inseparable. I thought my life was absolutely perfect.

Maybe if I'd had more attentive parents, they would have explained to me how real life rarely turns out the way it is portrayed on TV. Of course, if I'd had more attentive parents, I doubt I would have craved that sort of lifestyle in the first place.

Well, to cut a long story short, the dream ended. My perfect life came to a heart shattering halt. Something happened that was not supposed to.

Asuka died.

Nothing in my TV dream world had me prepared for something like that to happen. There wasn't room for it. It didn't fit into my plan! We were supposed to always be together! We'd get married and teach cool secret agent stuff to our kids. She just couldn't be dead.

But she was.

And for the first time in years I felt completely helpless.

I suddenly realized why Bond went through so many women. In the real world, you lose stuff. You can't have both excitement and stability. If you're going to live life on the edge, then you endanger everyone around you. It's really best not to get attached.

And after losing Asuka, I no longer wanted to get attached.

I decided I'd never depend on anyone but myself ever again.

I used to be such a romantic idealist. I wonder if I killed that part of me, or if it's just buried somewhere beneath all the cynicism. I hope it's still there somewhere. I like to think that someday I'll be able to come to terms with everything that's happened and go back to how I was. I know that I can never go all the way back, but I don't want to stay they person I am now. I don't like what I've become.

I drink too much. Smoke too much. Trust too little. I'm numb. I don't let myself feel anymore. I still crave that stability I lost, but I'm too scared to find it for real. So I find a different girl every night. It helps maintain the numbness. I hate that about myself. It isn't me at all. I've tried so many times to stop going out and stop chasing girls. But I can't do it. I get way too depressed when I'm alone. Better numb than depressed.

I guess I'm prone to bad habits.

I've been thinking a lot lately. I think that I'm teetering on a rather dangerous edge right now. I've noticed that I'm starting to become dependant on people again. Well, not exactly dependant…just too close to my other team members for comfort. I'm going to have to make a decision.

I could try digging out my old self. Give in and really trust someone again.
Or I could sever everything, and keep myself numb and safe.
One option's scary, the other depressing.

I really want to choose the first one. I just don't know if I have it in me. I don't know if I've picked the right people to trust. I don't know if I can really consider Weiß as my friends. I'm not very good at evaluating that sort of thing. When I couldn't even trust my own parents…well, who should I?

Maybe I can run some sort of test.
Find out if I have real friends or not.
Find out if the real me still exists.

I don't know what I'll do, but I feel compelled to do something. I can't stay in this nether region I've been hiding in.

Yes, I've made up my mind.
I'm going to pull something drastic.
I just haven't figured out what yet.