Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction ❯ Devotion ❯ I Want to... ( Chapter 2 )

Disclaimer: Let me check…No, I still don't own Yu-gi-oh. And where are my plushies?

I'm using English names because I prefer the name Tea to Anzu, so sue me. I like her even if they do screw her over in the lines department.

As requested, here's Yugi's pov. Enjoy.

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Devotion:

I can't believe it.

I won't believe it.

I must believe it.

How could he?

How could I have let him?

I could feel him when he decided to do it: he's been letting me stay awake when he's in control since Death-T.

I thought that meant…

I don't know what I thought.

When Kaiba threatened to jump, I was shocked and horrified. I didn't know what to do.

He did.

I felt…admiration, for a split second. Like he admired Kaiba's determination to save Mokuba, then sadness for Kaiba, or did I feel that?

It was only for an instant. Maybe I'm just projecting. Hoping he felt even an instant of remorse. Hoping this…thing in my head isn't a completely cold-blooded murderer.

Then…amusement. Like this was nothing to him, something that he could handle with one hand tied behind his back.

It was then he seemed to know I was unhappy, that I didn't know what to do, and he sent a feeling of reassurance, like he's done so many times before when I've lost faith.

Like a smile, a brief hug: we can do this, everything's fine, better than fine, we've won.

And I believed him, like I had every time before. But this wasn't like the other times.

I sat back and waited for him to finish, listened…not exactly calmly, but close, too close, when he called the attack. I trusted him.

I was willing to let him do what he wanted.

I was willing to let the spirit kill Kaiba.

Oh god, what I nearly did.

Thank god for Tea.

If she hadn't called out, hadn't reminded me that this was wrong, I would have sit back and let the spirit kill Kaiba.

Well, actually, Kaiba would have killed himself, but the spirit would have caused him to do it…perhaps that's why he didn't see it was wrong? After all, the blood wouldn't have been on his hands, it's not his fault if Kaiba decides to do something stupid…

Here I am making excuses for him again.

I don't want to believe that this…presence, this person inside of me, the one who's protected me and my friends against bullies, helped me make my friends, gotten me this far on the island, this close to rescuing my grandfather…I don't want to believe that it's all been an act.

All the times he's reassured me, cheered on Joey, that time he gave all those star chips to Mai when they were enough to get us into the castle…I thought he was a nice person, that I could trust him.

Trust him to win no matter what.

Is that all it's been? Winning?

Is that all you think of me as, a body to use to amuse yourself by grinding others into the dust?

I thought we were friends.

Until after I stopped you.

When you handed over the body to me right away, I thought you had listened to Tea, realized that what you wanted to do was wrong.

Then I heard you.

//Why…why did you do that? We would have won…//

You had no idea. No idea that ending another's life was wrong.

Oh god, what are you?

What am I, to almost let you…

I can never duel again.

That's the thought that's resounding in my head, drowning out Tea's words of concern, Joey's attempts to get me back on my feet…

I look up and Kaiba's gone, I don't know when he left. Off to rescue Mokuba. I hope he can beat Pegasus; Mokuba doesn't deserve to be trapped forever like Grandpa…

Oh Grandpa.

Now I can't rescue you.

When the spirit reassured me, he showed me you. Told me that we would rescue you, that Kaiba wouldn't stop us.

Now we don't have enough star chips to get into the castle, and even if I could get in I can't. I can never duel again.

What if next time… the spirit has powers, I know that. What if he decides to kill his opponent. Kill…Joey?

Before, I knew he would never do anything like that. I thought he liked Joey, wanted to help him. He gave him advice: did he do it only to win through him?

Joey still has ten star chips. He can get into the castle, try to save his sister Serenity's sight like I've failed to save my Grandpa. What if I duel him?

Will the spirit see him as just another obstacle, like Kaiba? Someone whose life is unimportant?

I'm kneeling in front of the castle door, I have no idea how I got here. All I can feel is tears slipping down my cheeks, all I can sense in my heart is black despair, no more gentle questioning, no more shock.

The spirit must have closed himself away again, like he does whenever I'm not dueling.

I thought he did it because he respected my privacy, but was I just boring him? Not important unless there's a duel to be won?

If he cared, he would be trying, at least, to understand why I'm mad at him.

Trying to understand that what he did was wrong.

Maybe even apologizing, like a decent person who cared about my opinion would.

I would forgive him, if he asked. Even after all he's done, I still want to trust him: want to believe it wasn't a lie, want to believe he cares about me.

Want to give him another chance… another chance to kill.

I can't let him.

I won't let him.

I must stop him from hurting anyone else.

I ought to take apart the puzzle.

But…wouldn't that kill him?

I can't lower myself to his level.

Even to possibly save a life, I can't kill.

All I can do is what I did during that duel. Try to hold him back.

I don't know if I can.

I don't know if I will.

Even after all this, I still care about him, want to believe in him like I thought he believed in me.

Huh, maybe I, not Joey, am the puppy dog here. Slavish devotion, wanting to come back to the master, get his approval, even after being kicked.

Oh god, what am I going to do?

I'm sorry Grandpa. I've failed you. Failed everyone.

I'm sorry.

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Thanks to SoulDreamer and Ash for reviewing! I plan to do at least two more chapters of this, so comments appreciated. Thanks, and I hope you liked it!