Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction ❯ Hanging ❯ Part Two: Until You Make Me Move ( Chapter 2 )
[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
By: Kagemihari 
Until you make me move... Based, again, mostly on Chapter 15 and a bit of Chapter 21 of 'In the Cards'.
Anime/Manga: Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Angst / Romance | Type: Songfic | Uploaded On: 01.30.2004 | Pages: 2 | Words: 2.9K | Visits: 266 | Status: Completed
Until you make me move... Based, again, mostly on Chapter 15 and a bit of Chapter 21 of 'In the Cards'.
Anime/Manga: Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Angst / Romance | Type: Songfic | Uploaded On: 01.30.2004 | Pages: 2 | Words: 2.9K | Visits: 266 | Status: Completed
Hanging
Part Two: Until You Make Me Move
~ There's nothing else to lose, There's nothing else to find ~
++ I've given you the ability to destroy me.
I know, I think, that you won't do that willingly, purposely; but that doesn't mean there is any less danger of it. I've let you get closer, let you mean more to me than anyone ever has except my brother. Even he never knew the depths of my heart as well as you do. The only thing I had left to lose in my life was my heart, and you've stolen it completely.
Do you have any idea how terrifying that is? I have nothing left to lose. I've gambled everything on this chance with you, and if I ever lose you I am finished. There is nothing else I could find that would ever be to me what you are. No one else who could ever be that perfect other half of me, that perfect reflection of darkness.
Do you know how much you mean to me now? I've let myself trust you, let myself depend on you, let myself need you. I've let myself love you.
God, please tell me you will never let me go. That no matter what I do or say or what awful thing you discover about me, you won't leave. I'm testing you, pushing you, I know it hurts you but I have to know--can I do anything that will drive you away from me?
Did you mean it when you said you will be there no matter what?
~ There's nothing in the world, That can change my mind, There is nothing else ~
** You're doing it again, love, trying to make me hate you. It's killing me that you have to do this, but I understand why.
I know that you still can't believe that I mean it when I say I'm never going to leave. Never going to change my mind, never going to decide I've had enough of you.
I know beyond a doubt, I've found the only one I'll ever need. I wish I could find a way to show you that, to say it so that you'll believe it. There is no one and nothing else that could ever take your place with me. You're the only one, the only thing that could ever mean this much.
Nothing you can do or say can ever change that. There's nothing in the world that could change my mind about you.
I would promise you that, if it would make you feel more secure, but I don't have to promise it because it's not a decision, not a passing feeling that may change with time.
It's just a fact, like a law of nature. It's unchangeable. No matter what. You would have to break the foundations of the universe to change my heart for you.
~ Desperate for changing, Starving for truth ~
++ You've changed my life, changed my thinking, changed the way I view the world. Shattered the misconceptions and beliefs of a lifetime.
Oh, not things that are so obvious in the outside. No, where you've made the most difference is deep inside where I've never let anyone else see before. I was always certain that if anyone saw that part of me they would hate me. Hell, they hate me when all they see is the outside, that mask I show to the world. If they saw who I really am, they would despise me.
It seems to have the opposite effect on you though, and I cannot figure out why. But you've never been less than honest with me, and I have to accept that you, at least, believe it absolutely.
It's like a magnet to me, that absolute truth. When you say something, you believe it, you mean it with all your heart. Your words fairly blaze with truth and I can feel it burning away my doubts and my insecurities.
It draws me with a desperate hope, for faith in life and the future. In you. Dispel the shadows of my fears, and leave me with only the light of truth.
~ Closer to where I started, Chasing after you ~
** Every time we do this, every time I let you push me until I do get angry with you, every time you bring me to the point where I almost snap, I remember that you do it because you believe I'm eventually going to turn against you. I remember that you think sooner or later, I will leave you, that everyone will leave you. You think you deserve to be abandoned and betrayed--and I know that I can never be the one who lets you prove to yourself that it's true.
That knowledge, and the promises I've made are like a brick wall that stops me as you push too far--my anger breaks against it, and fades before I can loose it. I could never allow myself to add to the pain I see so clearly. I can never be the one who confirms your belief that you are worthless, irredeemable, and deserving of every deep and twisted scar you bear. I can hold on to myself, my anger, because I know that is the only way to show you how wrong you are.
And every time I back away from it, every time I stop and you realize that you can't make me go that far, that this is one place you can't make me lose control, I feel that I've gotten a little, just a little bit closer to making you believe it.
A little bit closer to making you see that I mean it, that you're worth it, that I love you and I want you always. That together we can do anything. That I mean it when I say always and forever, love.
Always and forever.
Push me one more time, fight with me, let me prove to you that you can't drive me away. Let me close to you, let me hold you as we make up, let this reconciliation place one more brick in this foundation we're building. Let my touch reassure you again that I am still here loving you. Again and again, as many times as it takes, make me angry enough to walk out on you and watch me stay in spite of it. Each time I get a little bit closer to you.
In the end, the only thing that matters is being with you. It's the only thing that has mattered since we started this crazy game, but I'll play to the end with you. I promise.
~ I'm falling even more in love with you, I'm letting go of all I've held onto ~
++ I'm losing my grip on myself, my emotions, my safety. You make me feel out of control, off balance and uncertain.
I'm losing, falling, and I'm scared. I can't do this. I can't let you do this. Sooner or later you're going to see that you made a mistake, that I wasn't worth it after all, that I really don't deserve what you're offering me.
You mean so much to me, you've become so important to me. I care about you, more than I should. More than is safe. You deserve better than me. You're as foolish as my brother, loving me. I shouldn't let either of you do it. Shouldn't let you put that kind of value and hope on me. I'm going to let you down someday and then I will have nothing, be nothing.
But I'm falling into you, I'm drowning, and I can't help it. I don't have a choice here, I'm already sinking, falling and it hurts, it hurts...please god, tell me that this is safe. Tell me that everything I'm letting go is things I'm never going to need again. My walls, my defenses, my security. My chains and my control. My distance.
Tell me that I won't regret letting them go. Tell me I'll never be sorry I've fallen in love with you. That you love me, need me, as desperately as I do you. That I'm worth it, worth every bit of pain I've put you through. That you still see me as the dragon, proud and strong and awesome, in spite of my broken soul. Make me believe it, god, I want to believe it.
Tell me again to jump and let you catch me. I'll do it for you.
~ I'm standing here until you make me move, I'm hanging by a moment here with you ~
** The way you look at me when you think I'm not looking, takes my breath away. Your heart is in your eyes at times, and it's so sweet, so rare...so precious. A mixture of fear and longing, stating clearer than words how badly you want this to be true and lasting, and yet can't quite believe it. You just look at me, and I can feel it like an almost physical touch; a gaze of hope, and desperation.
I watch you too, and sometimes I wonder idly if you know it, as I know you watch me. I wonder if you know how you draw my gaze, my attention. You fascinate me without half trying, love; if you ever decide to seduce me for real, I will have lost before you start.
Every time I look at you is like a moment frozen in time, slow motion arresting the natural order of things. As if time itself had to stop and glance at you before going on it's way. How could I, only human after all, hope to resist you?
And those rare times where you meet my eyes, where you look back at me, even smile slightly--time stops. A single glance from your eyes quickens my heart, holding me trapped in a moment as I hang on your gaze.
~ I'm living for the only thing I know, I'm running and not quite sure where to go, and I don't know what I'm diving into ~
++ I'm dying here, some part of me is dying, and much as it's a part of me I've always hated, it still hurts like hell. I'm leaving part of myself behind, leaving behind the safe place that I've built up, and it's new and scary and it's hurts!
But you're still here, still waiting as I lash out at you, even though I know you're hurting too. Even though I know I'm hurting you. I've made you mad, oh yes, I've made you so angry that anyone else would be spitting right back at me the hurtful things I've said. But you take a deep breath and you keep your promise and you just wait for me to see that you're not going to play this game. You're playing for much higher stakes than this one battle.
Seems like nothing can make you move, make you leave and you have no idea how grateful I am. I can't believe that anyone would do that for me, but to you it's not even a question, you just do it. Calmly, quietly, as if there were nothing else to do. Just waiting, taking whatever I throw at you, accepting whatever I can give you at my own pace.
I don't know how I fell so hard so fast, but all I know is I love you more than I ever thought possible. I would do anything for you. Anything to give you back some of the devotion you've given me.
You shown me how to live again, shown me how to love. You've shown me that it's possible to express my love for you, for my brother. To show it, more openly, more freely. More than just the silent, undemonstrative, absolute loyalty that is all I've been capable of.
Even with my brother, I never could open up to the point where I felt comfortable touching him--even just to hug him, or kiss him goodnight. That was okay with him; he knew that touch meant only pain to me. He could make allowances for that without resentment; but I know it is one of the things he is most grateful for, that now I can hold him, hug him, ruffle his hair affectionately. And knowing how much it means to him, I can't thank you enough for showing us both the healing power of touch.
Your touch is sometimes soft and tender, or fierce and possessive, but always, always warm. The merest brush of your fingers burns into my heart and I know I would do anything to return to you that feeling of being wanted, cherished, and loved unconditionally.
I still feel like I have so little to give, so little to add to this relationship we've begun, but for your sake I will push beyond my boundaries, push past my defenses, strive to show you how much you've given me. Hoping that giving you everything I am will even begin to repay what I owe you.
God, I don't know what I'm getting myself into here. I wonder if you realize that I would die for you, give my soul for you.
I wonder if you know that now I have two reasons to stay alive.
~ I'm hanging by a moment here with you ~
** Your blue eyes glow with warmth, with love, more alive than I've ever seen you. With love--yes, I recognize it, even if you wouldn't call it that yet, or ever. With warmth and peace--contentment. I've never before seen such an expression on you.
It takes me some time to realize that the biggest difference, the lightness, comes from the lack of pain. You've been good at hiding it, but I have always seen it. I've grown used to seeing it, though it hurts me as if it were my own. I am not fool enough to believe now that you are healed, but I no longer see the sharp edge of agony in you. Now it has somehow eased enough to release something deep inside you, something which has been knotted in hopeless silent suffering for far too long. It's absence now is stunning, the lack of ever present tension in your expression, and you radiate quiet joy and cautious hope. Love.
I am in awe to think that you look this way for me, that I am the one who has helped you find, at last, that light side of your darkness. You smile lazily at something I said--love, your true smile takes my breath away. Smile again for me, Blue Eyes, smile as Darkness makes your demons flee.
I wish I could hold you like this forever, make time stop and just breathe....
~ Hanging by a moment, here with you ~
+ ....breathe, with your arms around me, safe and warm and loved .
Filled with joy, for the first time in my life. It's a terrifying, heady emotion; it teases my love of danger with it's promise of gaining everything, if only I risk it all.
This moment of perfect peace--I almost wish it could go on forever, just a single perfect moment stretching out unbroken into time...
~ Just hanging by a moment ~
* ...suspended, feeling my heartbeat keeping time with yours. Hold on, listen, to this perfect silence caught for an instant, hanging here, and breathe...it means forever, love...
Always and forever.
~ Hanging by a moment, here with you ~
+ I'm holding on to this moment with you as long as I can, letting it sink in, soul-deep, that maybe--just maybe, it could last. Forever, you said. Oh god, I want it to last.
Make it last forever.
~ Hanging by a moment here with you ~
-owari-
Part Two: Until You Make Me Move
~ There's nothing else to lose, There's nothing else to find ~
++ I've given you the ability to destroy me.
I know, I think, that you won't do that willingly, purposely; but that doesn't mean there is any less danger of it. I've let you get closer, let you mean more to me than anyone ever has except my brother. Even he never knew the depths of my heart as well as you do. The only thing I had left to lose in my life was my heart, and you've stolen it completely.
Do you have any idea how terrifying that is? I have nothing left to lose. I've gambled everything on this chance with you, and if I ever lose you I am finished. There is nothing else I could find that would ever be to me what you are. No one else who could ever be that perfect other half of me, that perfect reflection of darkness.
Do you know how much you mean to me now? I've let myself trust you, let myself depend on you, let myself need you. I've let myself love you.
God, please tell me you will never let me go. That no matter what I do or say or what awful thing you discover about me, you won't leave. I'm testing you, pushing you, I know it hurts you but I have to know--can I do anything that will drive you away from me?
Did you mean it when you said you will be there no matter what?
~ There's nothing in the world, That can change my mind, There is nothing else ~
** You're doing it again, love, trying to make me hate you. It's killing me that you have to do this, but I understand why.
I know that you still can't believe that I mean it when I say I'm never going to leave. Never going to change my mind, never going to decide I've had enough of you.
I know beyond a doubt, I've found the only one I'll ever need. I wish I could find a way to show you that, to say it so that you'll believe it. There is no one and nothing else that could ever take your place with me. You're the only one, the only thing that could ever mean this much.
Nothing you can do or say can ever change that. There's nothing in the world that could change my mind about you.
I would promise you that, if it would make you feel more secure, but I don't have to promise it because it's not a decision, not a passing feeling that may change with time.
It's just a fact, like a law of nature. It's unchangeable. No matter what. You would have to break the foundations of the universe to change my heart for you.
~ Desperate for changing, Starving for truth ~
++ You've changed my life, changed my thinking, changed the way I view the world. Shattered the misconceptions and beliefs of a lifetime.
Oh, not things that are so obvious in the outside. No, where you've made the most difference is deep inside where I've never let anyone else see before. I was always certain that if anyone saw that part of me they would hate me. Hell, they hate me when all they see is the outside, that mask I show to the world. If they saw who I really am, they would despise me.
It seems to have the opposite effect on you though, and I cannot figure out why. But you've never been less than honest with me, and I have to accept that you, at least, believe it absolutely.
It's like a magnet to me, that absolute truth. When you say something, you believe it, you mean it with all your heart. Your words fairly blaze with truth and I can feel it burning away my doubts and my insecurities.
It draws me with a desperate hope, for faith in life and the future. In you. Dispel the shadows of my fears, and leave me with only the light of truth.
~ Closer to where I started, Chasing after you ~
** Every time we do this, every time I let you push me until I do get angry with you, every time you bring me to the point where I almost snap, I remember that you do it because you believe I'm eventually going to turn against you. I remember that you think sooner or later, I will leave you, that everyone will leave you. You think you deserve to be abandoned and betrayed--and I know that I can never be the one who lets you prove to yourself that it's true.
That knowledge, and the promises I've made are like a brick wall that stops me as you push too far--my anger breaks against it, and fades before I can loose it. I could never allow myself to add to the pain I see so clearly. I can never be the one who confirms your belief that you are worthless, irredeemable, and deserving of every deep and twisted scar you bear. I can hold on to myself, my anger, because I know that is the only way to show you how wrong you are.
And every time I back away from it, every time I stop and you realize that you can't make me go that far, that this is one place you can't make me lose control, I feel that I've gotten a little, just a little bit closer to making you believe it.
A little bit closer to making you see that I mean it, that you're worth it, that I love you and I want you always. That together we can do anything. That I mean it when I say always and forever, love.
Always and forever.
Push me one more time, fight with me, let me prove to you that you can't drive me away. Let me close to you, let me hold you as we make up, let this reconciliation place one more brick in this foundation we're building. Let my touch reassure you again that I am still here loving you. Again and again, as many times as it takes, make me angry enough to walk out on you and watch me stay in spite of it. Each time I get a little bit closer to you.
In the end, the only thing that matters is being with you. It's the only thing that has mattered since we started this crazy game, but I'll play to the end with you. I promise.
~ I'm falling even more in love with you, I'm letting go of all I've held onto ~
++ I'm losing my grip on myself, my emotions, my safety. You make me feel out of control, off balance and uncertain.
I'm losing, falling, and I'm scared. I can't do this. I can't let you do this. Sooner or later you're going to see that you made a mistake, that I wasn't worth it after all, that I really don't deserve what you're offering me.
You mean so much to me, you've become so important to me. I care about you, more than I should. More than is safe. You deserve better than me. You're as foolish as my brother, loving me. I shouldn't let either of you do it. Shouldn't let you put that kind of value and hope on me. I'm going to let you down someday and then I will have nothing, be nothing.
But I'm falling into you, I'm drowning, and I can't help it. I don't have a choice here, I'm already sinking, falling and it hurts, it hurts...please god, tell me that this is safe. Tell me that everything I'm letting go is things I'm never going to need again. My walls, my defenses, my security. My chains and my control. My distance.
Tell me that I won't regret letting them go. Tell me I'll never be sorry I've fallen in love with you. That you love me, need me, as desperately as I do you. That I'm worth it, worth every bit of pain I've put you through. That you still see me as the dragon, proud and strong and awesome, in spite of my broken soul. Make me believe it, god, I want to believe it.
Tell me again to jump and let you catch me. I'll do it for you.
~ I'm standing here until you make me move, I'm hanging by a moment here with you ~
** The way you look at me when you think I'm not looking, takes my breath away. Your heart is in your eyes at times, and it's so sweet, so rare...so precious. A mixture of fear and longing, stating clearer than words how badly you want this to be true and lasting, and yet can't quite believe it. You just look at me, and I can feel it like an almost physical touch; a gaze of hope, and desperation.
I watch you too, and sometimes I wonder idly if you know it, as I know you watch me. I wonder if you know how you draw my gaze, my attention. You fascinate me without half trying, love; if you ever decide to seduce me for real, I will have lost before you start.
Every time I look at you is like a moment frozen in time, slow motion arresting the natural order of things. As if time itself had to stop and glance at you before going on it's way. How could I, only human after all, hope to resist you?
And those rare times where you meet my eyes, where you look back at me, even smile slightly--time stops. A single glance from your eyes quickens my heart, holding me trapped in a moment as I hang on your gaze.
~ I'm living for the only thing I know, I'm running and not quite sure where to go, and I don't know what I'm diving into ~
++ I'm dying here, some part of me is dying, and much as it's a part of me I've always hated, it still hurts like hell. I'm leaving part of myself behind, leaving behind the safe place that I've built up, and it's new and scary and it's hurts!
But you're still here, still waiting as I lash out at you, even though I know you're hurting too. Even though I know I'm hurting you. I've made you mad, oh yes, I've made you so angry that anyone else would be spitting right back at me the hurtful things I've said. But you take a deep breath and you keep your promise and you just wait for me to see that you're not going to play this game. You're playing for much higher stakes than this one battle.
Seems like nothing can make you move, make you leave and you have no idea how grateful I am. I can't believe that anyone would do that for me, but to you it's not even a question, you just do it. Calmly, quietly, as if there were nothing else to do. Just waiting, taking whatever I throw at you, accepting whatever I can give you at my own pace.
I don't know how I fell so hard so fast, but all I know is I love you more than I ever thought possible. I would do anything for you. Anything to give you back some of the devotion you've given me.
You shown me how to live again, shown me how to love. You've shown me that it's possible to express my love for you, for my brother. To show it, more openly, more freely. More than just the silent, undemonstrative, absolute loyalty that is all I've been capable of.
Even with my brother, I never could open up to the point where I felt comfortable touching him--even just to hug him, or kiss him goodnight. That was okay with him; he knew that touch meant only pain to me. He could make allowances for that without resentment; but I know it is one of the things he is most grateful for, that now I can hold him, hug him, ruffle his hair affectionately. And knowing how much it means to him, I can't thank you enough for showing us both the healing power of touch.
Your touch is sometimes soft and tender, or fierce and possessive, but always, always warm. The merest brush of your fingers burns into my heart and I know I would do anything to return to you that feeling of being wanted, cherished, and loved unconditionally.
I still feel like I have so little to give, so little to add to this relationship we've begun, but for your sake I will push beyond my boundaries, push past my defenses, strive to show you how much you've given me. Hoping that giving you everything I am will even begin to repay what I owe you.
God, I don't know what I'm getting myself into here. I wonder if you realize that I would die for you, give my soul for you.
I wonder if you know that now I have two reasons to stay alive.
~ I'm hanging by a moment here with you ~
** Your blue eyes glow with warmth, with love, more alive than I've ever seen you. With love--yes, I recognize it, even if you wouldn't call it that yet, or ever. With warmth and peace--contentment. I've never before seen such an expression on you.
It takes me some time to realize that the biggest difference, the lightness, comes from the lack of pain. You've been good at hiding it, but I have always seen it. I've grown used to seeing it, though it hurts me as if it were my own. I am not fool enough to believe now that you are healed, but I no longer see the sharp edge of agony in you. Now it has somehow eased enough to release something deep inside you, something which has been knotted in hopeless silent suffering for far too long. It's absence now is stunning, the lack of ever present tension in your expression, and you radiate quiet joy and cautious hope. Love.
I am in awe to think that you look this way for me, that I am the one who has helped you find, at last, that light side of your darkness. You smile lazily at something I said--love, your true smile takes my breath away. Smile again for me, Blue Eyes, smile as Darkness makes your demons flee.
I wish I could hold you like this forever, make time stop and just breathe....
~ Hanging by a moment, here with you ~
+ ....breathe, with your arms around me, safe and warm and loved .
Filled with joy, for the first time in my life. It's a terrifying, heady emotion; it teases my love of danger with it's promise of gaining everything, if only I risk it all.
This moment of perfect peace--I almost wish it could go on forever, just a single perfect moment stretching out unbroken into time...
~ Just hanging by a moment ~
* ...suspended, feeling my heartbeat keeping time with yours. Hold on, listen, to this perfect silence caught for an instant, hanging here, and breathe...it means forever, love...
Always and forever.
~ Hanging by a moment, here with you ~
+ I'm holding on to this moment with you as long as I can, letting it sink in, soul-deep, that maybe--just maybe, it could last. Forever, you said. Oh god, I want it to last.
Make it last forever.
~ Hanging by a moment here with you ~
-owari-