Author's note - Well, I didn't make you wait a year. Thanks to everyone who commented on the last chapter. As always, thoughts, comments and musings are always appreciated. I hope people aren't disappointed by the lack of bedroom action but Dee's got some issues to deal with… ~ Swordy x

 

Young Dogs

 

Chapter 10 - All These Things That I've Done

 

“Dee?”

 

Dee shook his head and laughed as the voice carried through the rain towards him.

 

“Dammit, Jay,” he said, turning slowly with a large grin plastered across his face, “I don't think my dick's ready for action again - fuck!”

 

The words were barely out of his mouth before he found himself sprawling on the floor, blood pouring from his split lip as Tommy stood over him, shaking with anger.

 

“You goddamned, lying, fucking bastard!” Tommy raged.

 

Dee had barely got to his feet when a second punch caught him full in the face. His eye had swollen shut before he hit the ground.

 

“Tommy? What the fuck…?”

 

“You!” his friend yelled, stabbing a finger towards him. “You're a fucking fag!”

 

Any response caught in Dee's throat. He knew then he'd been seen and any denial was pointless. “Tommy wait,” he gasped, arm outstretched to waylay another beating. His face was throbbing like fuck.

 

“Why, Dee? You gonna tell me you weren't just jacking off that guy? I've got eyes, Dee! How could you? When you saw what happened to Arnon?”

 

That was what it was about and Dee knew then that there would be no placating him. However there was worse to come.

 

“And what about Mother, huh? How'd you think she'd feel if she knew what you were doing?”

 

Words slurred around a mouth full of blood as panic stirred within him. “Please… don't tell her.”

 

Tommy rubbed his bruised knuckles. “Why the fuck shouldn't I, huh? You think God's okay with what you're doing?”

 

Tommy had always been the more religious of the two of them. They'd both been raised at the orphanage with Mother's teachings and although Dee believed in God, he followed the doctrine more out of respect for the woman that had stuck by him through thick and thin than personal conviction. Personally, he thought God had bigger things to worry about than what he was doing, but hurting Penguin was an entirely different matter.

 

“Tommy…”

 

“Just stay the fuck away from me,” the boy spat before he turned and walked away.

 

Once he was certain Tommy had gone, Dee hauled himself to his feet, his fingers tentatively touching his mouth to find it was still bleeding. Fortunately no teeth felt loose. His eye was horribly swollen and even without a mirror he knew he looked a fucking mess. He couldn't go back to the orphanage looking like this…

 

*************************

 

Alex turned and listened, not certain whether he'd heard a noise or not. It was gone four am and despite the fact that running a nightclub had turned him into a regular night owl, he wasn't one for unexpected visitors so late. But there it was again. He put down his beer and went to the door, inching it open until he identified the person stood in shadows on his landing.

 

“Dee?! What the hell's happened to you?”

 

He threw the door wide and ushered the young man inside. Seconds ago he wouldn't have thought Dee could look have looked worse but the light inside his apartment proved him wrong.

 

“Sit down.”

 

He hurried into the kitchen to find a cloth and put some water in a bowl. “Wait…. How did you get in?” he asked, his hand testing the temperature of the water while he waited for it to get warm.

 

“Front door,” Dee mumbled by way of reply. “It wasn't that difficult. You should tell your landlord.”

 

“Thanks for the security tip,” Alex replied wryly as he crossed the room and knelt down before Dee. “Now hold still.”

 

Gently, he began to dab away the dried blood, revealing the source which had stopped bleeding at last. “Wow, that's a pretty fat lip you've got yourself, fella.” Dee tried to make a face in response, but only succeeded in wincing as it pulled on his damaged flesh. Satisfied he had done all he could for the lip, Alex then reached for the cold compress he'd brought and held it against the bruised and swollen eye.

 

“So, you wanna tell me how this happened?”

 

“Not really,” Dee muttered.

 

“Thought not,” Alex said with a smile. “I'm guessing the other guy looks worse.”

 

Dee shook his head, the movement almost imperceptible. “I didn't touch him.”

 

This caused Alex to frown. “Okay, I'm obviously missing something here-”

 

“It was my friend Tommy.”

 

Alex's eyes narrowed while a humourless smile graced his lips. “Your friend? I might be wrong Dee, but this isn't something friends normally do to each other.”

 

“You do when you find out your friend's a lying fucking fag.”

 

“Oh.” Comprehension flooded Alex's features. He studied the face before him, still beautiful even damaged. “You told him?”

 

Dee closed his eyes, appalled at the memory. “He… saw me. With Jay.”

 

Suspicion narrowed Alex's bright blue eyes once again. “Saw you how exactly?”

 

There was no point in sugar coating it. “We were jacking each other off in an alleyway.” He opened his eyes to gauge Alex's response. Confusion with a hint of amusement was what he saw.

 

“Wait… you and Jay? I thought you didn't like each other?”

 

This time Dee successfully made a face despite the pain. He took the compress from Alex's hand so he could hold it himself. A small act of defiance. “Yeah, yeah I know. Just forget it, okay? It doesn't matter who I was with. Tommy knows and soon everyone will know… including Mother.”

 

Alex rocked back on his heels, fully realising the enormity of what Dee was saying. He'd never been very religious but he was pretty sure homosexuality was one of the Catholic Church's big no-nos last time he looked. He laid a hand on Dee's knee, his expression now one of sympathy.

 

“Look, if it's one less thing to worry about, you've always got a bed here. You're welcome to stay if you don't feel you can go home yet.”

 

Although still troubled, Alex could recognise the look of relief in Dee's eyes. “Thanks,” he replied, and for a moment Alex wondered if he was about to cry.

 

“Let me get you some blankets and if you want to get out of those wet clothes I can lend you some stuff,” he said, taking charge of the situation once again.

 

He duly fetched the necessary items to allow Dee to make a bed on his couch along with some painkillers and clothing. “I'm gonna hit the hay,” he announced once Dee had dry swallowed the pills he'd given him. “Let me know if you need anything.” He studied the troubled face before leaning in and kissing him gently on the forehead. “Sweet dreams, Dee. It may not be as bad as it looks right now. Trust me.”

 

“Sure,” was the morose reply.

 

Alex emerged from his bedroom at half past nine, pleased to find Dee had finally gotten some sleep. Tousled hair was the only thing visible from under the mountain of blankets, but the steady breathing indicated that his early morning movements had not disturbed his visitor. He made a start on breakfast, and was drinking his second cup of coffee when Dee stirred.

 

“Morning, sleepy head,” Alex said with a smile. “You want some coffee?”

 

Pushing off the blankets, Dee hauled himself into a sitting position. An attempt to flatten his unruly hair failed, his wayward locks completing the look of misery etched into his battered face. “Coffee sounds good,” he responded, his voice still thick with sleep. Alex watched as the teenager tenderly fingered his swollen eye.

 

“It looks like it's gone down a little,” he said, carrying Dee's cup of coffee over to him. The younger man accepted it gratefully.

 

“Thanks again for letting me stay.”

 

Alex smiled and nodded. “No problem. You can stay here as long as you need.”

 

“Can I use your phone?”

 

“Go ahead. I've got to get over to the club.” Alex drained the last of his coffee. “I've got the electrician coming to sort out those lights in the storeroom.” He grabbed his keys and was about to leave before he stopped, turning back towards his despondent guest. “Call me if you need anything and don't worry about coming to the club later.”

Dee's eyes shot upwards to meet his own. “I won't say anything to Jay. I'll just say you called in sick.”

 

Once Alex had gone, Dee set to the task of working out what the hell he was going to do. He'd already decided to ring and speak to Penguin - that way he'd know instantly if Tommy had told her anything and if he hadn't, she wouldn't be able to see his face and query what had happened. He had a cigarette then picked up the phone. He had to wait while one of the other nuns fetched her, but before long her voice was on the line - warm and reassuring like the face he was now picturing.

 

“Dee! Where are you?”

 

“At a friend's, Mother. I'm sorry for not letting you know I'd be staying out.”

 

“Oh, don't worry about it. I thought you'd be out with your college friends since it was the end of term.” He could hear the smile in her voice, and knew instantly that Tommy had not told her what had transpired between them. Her comment gave him an idea.

 

“Well yeah and… see, this friend of mine from college, Alex, his family have got a holiday home and he's asked me to go along with them for the break. Just for a week. So… can I go?”

 

He felt bad, both for lying and for leaving behind his duties helping out at the orphanage.

 

“Well, I know how hard you've been working lately, so I don't see why not.”

 

Relief flooded through him as he finished up the call, both surprising and disappointing himself with how easily he fed the nun spurious details of his trip. With a week's grace he might be able to square things with Tommy so that Penguin would never have to find out. But find out what exactly? He recalled Alex's comment about whether this period of his life would be something he looked back on as simple experimentation or whether this would define who he was. He wanted desperately to say experimentation so that he could duly wash his hands of it if he was discovered. There would be disappointment, but it would be put down to youthful exuberance and hormones and God would surely forgive him if he repented. But deep down, he knew it would be a lie.

 

He was still brooding several hours later when Alex returned. The older man enquired if he had made the call to his guardian and Dee explained that he had, and that Penguin seemed none the wiser.

 

“Close call, huh?” Alex said with a grin as he shrugged off his jacket. He was unprepared when Dee rounded on him angrily.

 

“You don't fucking get it do you?”

 

Alex's blue eyes widened. “Hey, Dee-”

 

“No!” The teenager jumped up from his seat, anger blazing a path across his cheeks. “This isn't a joke! I've got one person, one fucking person who doesn't think I'm a piece of shit even though I always seem to make a mess of things and now I'm mixed up in something that probably even she couldn't forgive me for and you seem to think it's some kind of joke!”

 

Alex moved towards him but Dee was away, the door slamming behind him with a loud bang. “Shit,” he muttered to himself as he dropped his keys on the table and bent down to pick up the detritus Dee had knocked off the coffee table during his hasty exit.

 

Amongst the newspapers and empty cigarette packets he found the piece of paper Dee had given him only the night before with the word `Simon' and a telephone number on it. Sighing wearily, he sat back on his haunches and studied it, as if careful consideration would tell him something other than what was written in a teenager's sloppy hand. Alex knew this was fairly typical of life; just as he would have freely admitted he had nothing much to complain about, relationship issues and a troubled teenager were unceremoniously dropped into his lap. And he'd be damned if he knew what to do about either.

 

Several hours later there was a tentative knock at the door. Alex answered it to find Dee on the doorstep, his good looks marred more by his solemn expression than the black eye and split lip that were starting to heal.

 

“I'm sorry,” he said as Alex stepped back to allow him into the apartment. “I shouldn't have gone off at you when you've done nothing but be good to me.”

 

Alex squeezed his shoulder and smiled. “Don't apologise. I'm the one who's sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel like I'm not taking this seriously.”

 

Dee nodded as they both moved to sit on the couch. For a while neither of them spoke. Dee was first to break the silence.

 

“I was angry with you because it was easier than being angry with myself,” he explained, glancing across at Alex before returning to studying his hands. “You're the me I want to be, Alex; the me that doesn't have to hide and pretend to be something I'm not.” He sighed wearily. “Because I wanted more than anything to be able to say `Yeah I was curious and I did it, but it wasn't for me', but I know that wouldn't be true. I'm bisexual and all the fear of rejection and sinning against him-“ he said pointing upwards - “isn't going to change what I am.

 

“And the fallout of revealing that isn't just about losing the roof over my head. She's all I've got, Alex.”

 

Alex smiled sympathetically as he put his arm around Dee's shoulder and pulled him close. He was relieved to note no tension in the teenager's body as he rested his head on the older man's shoulder. “Well that part's not strictly true, but I know what you're saying. And, well don't get mad, but have you thought you're maybe doing her a disservice by second guessing what she'd say?”

 

“Maybe.”

 

“I mean, has she ever said `homosexuals will definitely burn in hell'?”

 

“No… ”

 

“Your friend you told me about… Aaron?”

 

“Arnon,” Dee corrected.

 

“Yeah, did she say anything about him when he died?”

 

Dee considered the question for a moment. He'd heard some of the other nuns making less than kind remarks about the path Arnon had chosen prior to his death but not Penguin. She'd been saddened by the role drugs had played in his downfall and that he'd acquired them by means of sex, but he couldn't ever recall her saying she felt that way specifically because it was men he'd slept with.

 

“I don't know, I don't think so,” he responded eventually.

 

“Okay, one more question: assuming she's not gonna go all fire and brimstone on you, do you not think she'd prefer to hear the truth from you, rather than one of your friends who's got an axe to grind?”

 

Dee made a face that indicated he knew Alex was right but wished he wasn't. “I know,” he said quietly. “She says she knows everyone has to have secrets but she doesn't want any of us having them just because we think she won't understand.”

 

Alex smiled. “She sounds like a smart old lady.”

 

Dee mirrored his expression as he thought of the nun. “She is.”

 

They sat for a moment in silence before Alex spoke again. “So I guess you know what you need to do then.”

 

“Yeah.” With a decision made a few more moments elapsed before Dee caught sight of the scrap of paper he had given Alex resting on the coffee table. He lifted his head off the other man's shoulder to look at him. “So what about you, huh? Have you made any important phone calls recently?” Alex followed the direction of his gaze back to the table. It was his turn to sigh.

 

“Not yet.”

 

“Wanna talk about it?”

 

Alex laughed humourlessly at the sudden shift in dynamics. “I know you'd have to have been blind to miss my incredibly subtle reaction when you told me he'd rung.”

 

Now Dee laughed. “Yeah, that and everyone else's faces. I was so pissed with Jay for not warning me you'd be mad about the message.”

 

“Not mad exactly… more surprised.”

 

“Is he your ex?”

 

“I don't know.”

 

Dee looked at him, one eyebrow raised. “You don't know? How does that work? Either you're together or you're not.”

 

Alex scrubbed a hand across his hair. How could he explain it to someone else when he didn't understand it himself? “I don't know because I haven't seen him for over a year.”

 

“Do you love him?”

 

That he did know. “Yes.”

 

“Well,” Dee responded after a moment, eyes meeting, set on matching solemn faces. “I guess we've both got some tough conversations to have.”

 

Dee stayed away from the Sugarcube that evening. The swelling around his eye had gone down but it was still obvious that he had taken a beating and anyone that saw him would be certain to ask what had happened. He had no choice but to be faced with that questioning from Penguin but he could do without it from Alex's staff and the club regulars.

 

He returned to the orphanage the following morning. As a long-time resident, he was well versed with Penguin's movements. He knew when he could find Penguin alone, when the other nuns would be engaged with taking care of the youngest children and the elder nun would be in the office ensuring the smooth running of the `family business' as she called it. As he climbed the steps of the orphanage he was hit by a wave of memories.

 

He'd been five before he'd realised that he didn't live like regular kids in his school. He could still remember the conversation and the moment it had hit him that he was different. Penguin had said `special' but different felt more accurate.

 

`You call her mother. Why don't you call her mom?'

 

The dark haired urchin had considered this for a moment and shrugged. `That's what everyone else calls her.'

 

`Everyone else? How many brothers and sisters do you have?'

 

`Well... none.'

 

`None? But you said….'

 

Even at the tender age of five he'd known the burn of shame as others had listened and started to whisper. Dee didn't have a mom and dad? He lived with nuns? Some of the children hadn't known what nuns were, hadn't understood the word orphanage, but it was different from what they knew and different was enough to matter when it came to playground politics.

 

He'd hated his life at times like this and railed against it, which meant he hurt the only person in the world who truly cared for him. Penguin had believed in him when others said she shouldn't and despite all his promises to her and himself, he knew he was about to let her down again.

 

He walked through the empty corridors, his sneakers occasionally squeaking on the parquet floor. When he reached the office he didn't knock; Penguin's `door is always open' policy was more than just a platitude and she insisted all her charges were as welcome there as the other nuns. She looked up from the papers she held in her gnarled hands and smiled warmly before confusion and worry touched her features.

 

“Dee? I thought you were going away…what's happened to your face?”

 

His smile flickered and died as something inside him broke. His face crumpled as the weight of the secret he had carried for several months finally overwhelmed him. Penguin, with a speed that would have surprised many given her age and appearance, hurried around her desk and threw her arms around him as he wept into his hands.

 

“Dee? Whatever's wrong?”

 

His show of emotion was brief - after all, he didn't deserve her compassion and to carry on like this would only invite it further. A shuddering breath brought his grief to its conclusion and he pulled back from her embrace.

 

“I'm sorry, mother,” he said, pawing at his face.

 

She reached for his hands and, taking them, drew him to sit on the battered couch in the corner of the room. She'd offered counsel on this very seat more times than she cared to remember and she was ready to do so again.

 

“Don't be sorry for showing your feelings, Dee.”

 

You don't understand. You don't know what I've done, he thought. Although he hadn't committed himself yet to sharing his burden he knew that he would not leave her office until he had done so, as to put it off any longer was pointless.

 

“I need to tell you something,” he said and then he began, too numb to pray that Penguin would still love him when he'd finished.

 

TBC…