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Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto... blah blah... or any of its characters.... babble babble... No suing....
I present you with more crack. Shaq and I have been feeding the stupid bunnies again... and it seems no amount of monitoring is keeping the fidelity rate down. Or should I say inbreeding is now doing a heck of a good job at producing warped bunnies. Doomed...
Author's note: This thing has been sitting on my computer for a very very long time..... So any references to previous crack fics may be running around the place...
Also... This is unbeta-ed! So any horrible mistake is well.... please forgive me! T_T
Possession
“I have come for you, Naruto-kun.”
The smooth voice floated through the air, caressed its way down the blonde's spine, freezing the unsuspecting teen mid-punch.
“Wha- what are you - ?”
There was a rustle of leaves and Naruto whipped around, body poised in a defensive stance (it could be Kisame doing a very bad job of sneaking behind him), only to find a flushed and dishevelled Sasuke marching out of the bush and planting himself between the blonde and his older brother.
“You!” the younger Uchiha snarled, finger jabbing in the air. “Stay the fuck away from Naruto!”
Blue eyes widened, but quickly narrowed in anger. Naruto was oddly touched that Sasuke cared about him enough - never mind that he had tried to kill him - to say something like that, but he was insulted that the Uchiha was implying he couldn't take care of himself.
“Now wait a minute, Sasuke bastar - ”
“Shut up, moron. I'm defending your honour here.”
“Defending my....” Honour? What the fuck was the asshole going on about?
“Step aside, Sasuke. I'm sure Naruto-kun is quite capable of defending his own honour.”
Puffing his chest at the compliment, Naruto flashed a smug grin at a fuming Sasuke and pushed the Uchiha aside so they were both standing side by side.
“Thank - ” Should he be thanking an enemy? Was there some sort of rule? What was with all this talk about his honour?!
Itachi's lips twitched a little at the confusion written all over the blonde's face and took a step forward. “Come with me, Naruto-kun.”
“Didn't you hear me? Stay the fuck away from him! He's not going - ”
“Let Naruto-kun make his own decisions, Sasuke. After all, you made your own decisions about going to Orochimaru.”
Both boys winced.
“Shut the f - ”
“Itachi, you can go fuck yourself!” Naruto shouted, glaring at both Uchihas. “You're not getting Kyuubi, and Sasuke, I can fucking take care of myself!”
Sasuke flinched slightly, but refused to let it go. Naruto had no idea who he was dealing. The moron had no idea at all what Itachi was capable of.
“I'm not here for Kyuubi.”
“Y-you're not?” Naruto blinked. If it wasn't for the Fox, then what?
“I want you.”
The blonde's jaw unhinged. “Me?” What the fuck would Itachi want me for, Naruto thought, getting a little cross-eyed at the concept. He didn't have unlimited chakra, hell he -
Well isn't this grand, an all too familiar voice cackled in his head. Two suitors fighting over a skinny whelp.
Hey, I'm not - Suitors?! First honour, now suitors? What the fuck?!
“You're not getting him, Itachi! He's mine!”
As irrational as it was, Sasuke grabbed the still stunned Naruto and held on for dear life. His older brother was not getting the moron. He had worked hard to get here and he'd be damned if Itachi swooped in and got what he deserved.
“What?! I'm not yours!”
“Yes!”
“No!”
“Yes!” Before the next 'no' could get out, Sasuke clamped a hand over Naruto's mouth and glared - sharingan and all. “See, mine!”
Itachi cocked his head to the side in contemplation. “I will fight you for him.” Both boys stiffened. “If I win, Naruto comes with me.”
“Fine!”
Breaking out of the death grip Sasuke had on him, Naruto violently shoved the younger Uchiha aside. “Don't I get a fucking say in this?!”
“No,” both brothers muttered in unison.
Bastards! He wouldn't be surprised if there was a bastard gene lodged deep in the Uchiha bloodline, stewing and waiting for the day it would be concentrated enough to really shine through in its hosts. Naruto was about to give the assholes a piece of his mind, but was once more interrupted by the rustling of bush. He stared in disbelieve as Jiraiya jauntily emerged from the dense forest with an equally cheerful Kakashi (who was carrying a oversized picnic basket) in tow.
“Perv - what?”
The senin waved the boy off and turned to the little family reunion. “Did I hear someone say fight?”
When the answer he received were two pairs of whirling sharingan, he turned to the jounin. “Did you hear anything about a fight?”
“Hm?” Kakashi looked up from having just arranged a large blanket on the ground and titled his head just so. “Oh, I think so. I - ”
“Just what the fuck is going on here?!” Naruto screeched. “First he appears, then the bastard! Now you!! Is this a set up? Is it gang-up-on-Naruto day today?!”
“I don't know about them.” Jiraiya seated himself on the checked material, and began pulling out a dozen or so containers. “But Kakashi and I decided to have a picnic and just so happen to bump into you and your... er... fanclub.”
“They're not my - ”
“But don't mind us! You two can go back to fighting over the brat here, and brat while you wait for the results,” Kakashi passed a pink container to the senin and the old man peeled the lid off and held it up to Naruto, “Chicken?”
Pulling hard at the ends of his hair, Naruto was tempted to scream and run for his life. This was not happening. He knew his life was insane, but this was beyond insane. “No I don't want any fucking chicken!”
Jiraiya shrugged, unfazed by the red chakra slowly leaking out of the blonde. “More for me!”
“You shitty - ”
“Naruto, how many times have I told you not to swear!”
“I-Iruka-sensei!” Oh gods no. “What are you - ?” He was going to die!
“Kakashi-sensei invited me to the picnic and - ” A pause as Iruka untangled himself from the thick bushes and his gaze landed on the tense pair in the middle of the clearing. “What are they doing?”
Naruto did a double-take. Why was no one surprised by Itachi's presence?! “Er - they...”
“Oh you know the usual, Iruka,” the jounin said around a mouthful of something. “They're just going to fight for Naruto's hand in marriage.”
Iruka's normally placid expression turned dark and murderous. “Naruto's hand?”
As if that was the queue, both Uchihas rushed forward and Itachi grabbed the chunin's hand in a brief handshake. “Iruka-san, I would like you to know that my intentions are pure and - ”
“Pure?” Sasuke snorted. “If you had your way, Naruto would be - ” A hand clamped down over his mouth.
“Do not mind my foolish little brother....”
And over it all Naruto yelled and shouted. Despite his loud protests and the magnificent display of wild gesticulations, everyone seemed to have come to a unanimous agreement that Naruto didn't know what was good for himself. Annoyed, frustrated and ultimately defeated, the blonde pouted and dropped onto the blanket. Kakashi patted his shoulder and once again tried to offer him some chicken, which he turned down along with the little red 'Go Sasuke' flag that both jounin and senin were waving vigorously as Sasuke tried to drive his heel into Itachi's foot. He frowned at the small pile of banners.
“Kakashi-sensei, you bastard! You and the pervert planned this, didn't you?! You got Itachi and Sasuke here!”
“Er...”
“So this is where you lot shirked off to.”
At the new voice, all heads turned to find Tsunade scrutinising the small gathering. Naruto cringed back and tried to hide himself behind Kakashi. It didn't matter that there were people around, when the old hag wanted to yell, she was going to yell.
Tsunade's piercing gaze landed on the blonde, opened her mouth to say something but stopped when a bottle of sake was thrust into her face.
“Here,” Jiraiya said brusquely, before sitting himself down again and taking a sip from his own flask.
Happy to have a break from mind numbing paper work, Tsunade took a mouthful of the slightly sweet brew and popped a slice of meat into her mouth. “So what are we watching?”
She absently picked up one of the flags and waved it a little when Sasuke aimed an elbow at his brother's gut and came away panting for breath. “They fighting over the brat?”
Stunned and feeling utterly betrayed, Naruto turned wide blue eyes at the Hokage. “You knew about this too?! You knew they would come here today?”
“Hm?” Another swig of alcohol. “Didn't know they were going to be here, and finally get around to actually fighting it out,” Tsunade murmured, a soft pink hue starting to paint her cheeks. “Jiraiya, you need some flags for Iruka. The man is about to murder the last two remaining Uchiha.”
And true enough, an enraged Iruka was waving a kunai under both siblings' noses. “No one is marrying Naruto without my permission.”
Sasuke and Itachi nodded obediently. “Yes, Iruka-sensei.”
“Wait, Iruka-sensei!” Naruto nearly tackled the man to the ground. “I'm not - you can't!”
“Shush, Naruto, I know what I'm doing.”
“But what if I don't want to get married.” Large blue eyes stared beseechingly up at Iruka. The chuunin gulped.
“Do not worry, Naruto-kun.” One of Itachi's arms looped around the blonde's waist and pulled the teen flush against his body, while the other held Sasuke back. “I shall take very good care of you.”
It was Naruto's time to gulp and shudder. He couldn't quite grasp what the promise was, but he could guess that it was dark and scary, and he would most likely be insane by the end of it. He pushed uselessly against the older teen and growled low in his throat when Itachi only tightened his grip and dipped his head.
“Get your filthy hands off him, Itachi!” Sasuke swung his arms out wildly.
Three red 'Go Sasuke' flags waved enthusiastically. “Oh look, Itachi's going to kiss - ”
“NO HE'S NOT!!!”
“Come on, Sasuke! You have to do better than that! Do you actually want Itachi to kiss Naruto?”
“Get off me you pervert!”
“Let go of Naruto now before I disembowel you.”
“Well aren't you a lively bunch,” a disembodied voice hissed from within the folds of foliage.
Naruto stopped his incessant struggles and gaped at the rustling bush. Itachi took the opportunity to swoop down for a kiss only to be thwarted by Sasuke pointing a kunai dangerously close to his face. Iruka stopped shrieking in outrage and the three flag-wavers turned to see who the new comer was.
The black hair, the slanted eyes, purple lips, and serpentine tongue were enough to make everyone's jaw drop.
“W-What the hell are you doing here?!” The blonde screamed while mashing a hand into Itachi's face. “And you! Keep your perverted lips to yourself! And Sasuke-bastard! Stop waving that kunai in my face!”
“Why Naruto-kun, I would've thought it obvious.” Orochimaru's tongue swiped across his lips as he stared pointedly at the younger Uchiha, eyes roaming the length of the teen's body and settled on a spot below the belt line.
Everyone shuddered and Jiraiya and Tsunade downed nearly half their bottle of sake in one gulp. Sasuke tried to squirm out of view, only to find Itachi holding him in place by the collar. He growled and swiped at his brother's arm. “Let go!”
Itachi smirked. “You can have my brother after our fight, Orochimaru.”
Sasuke paled at the prospect. “Bastard! I'm not losing this fight!”
Having recovered from the grotesque display, Naruto lurched forward in the ring of Itachi's arms and grabbed onto Sasuke for dear life. The urge to shout and yell out 'MINE' fought its way up his throat, but he firmly pushed it down, not wanting to be like either of the Uchiha siblings. And really, why would Sasuke be his?
Touched by the obvious sign of possessiveness, although Sasuke would have preferred a verbal declaration so to prevent any further questioning, he allowed himself to be hugged and smiled smugly at the madly spinning sharingan towering over him. Sasuke: one, Itachi: zero.
“You're not getting your hands on Sasuke!” And to prove this point, the blonde tightened his hold on the younger Uchiha, not at all knowing that he was setting off an apocalyptic reaction in Iruka and a rather amused buzz through Kakashi, Jiraiya and Tsunade.
“The brat sure moves fast,” Tsunade murmured around the lip of the bottle.
“`Course!” Jiraiya crowed proudly while both jounin and Hokage rolled their eyes.
“And I presume you taught him to get himself sandwiched between the two Uchihas?” Tongue flicking out in annoyance, Orochimaru ignored the myriad of orange `Go Naruto' flags.
“Well, go on.” Orochimaru made shooing motions with his useless hands. “The sooner Itachi wins, the sooner I'll get my Sasuke-kun.” The familiar tongue swipe gesture was made and everyone present shuddered.
The traitorous 'He's not yours!' flew from his lips before Naruto could clamp his mouth shut. All eyes turned.
“I didn't mean - I - No!” Face flaming like a bonfire, the blonde sputtered uselessly in Itachi's arms and tried to hide his face from Sasuke's hopeful expression.
“Don't worry, moron, I won't lose.”
The two Uchihas glared at each other and Iruka quickly snatched the still clamouring Naruto to the side before something exploded. Feeling that he should at least say something, Iruka coughed and said, “All right you two, I want a fair fight.”
Both nodded simultaneously without looking at the chuunin - not that Iruka wanted to deal with those two, he already had his hands full with dragging a protesting Naruto towards the small gathering of spectators.
“Iruka-sensei, what are you doing?!”
Despite his flailing, there was no way the blonde could escape his teacher's grasp. He found himself wedged between a leering Orochimaru, who was enthusiastically waving a 'Go Itachi' flag with his tongue, and a moody pervert senin, who was glaring at his lifelong rival and waving a 'Go Sasuke' flag in defiance.
How the hell did he end up here?
“Naruto, which do you wa -”
Jiraiya cut in before Kakashi could finish his question and snatched up the two flags the jounin was presenting to the blonde.
“So brat.” A hiccup. “Who d'you want to have sex with?”
Blue eyes widened. “What?!”
“Jiraiya, why do you bother asking?” Orochimaru said testily, having abandoned the flag waving. “It's obvious Itachi's going to win.”
“I'm not going to - ” Sasuke never finished his sentence because it was that exact moment Itachi struck. The clang of metal against metal sounded and the inevitable battle finally began. However, all attention was currently focused on a very flustered Naruto.
“So who'll it be, brat?”
“He's not going to have sex with either of them until he's twenty!” Iruka declared loudly, struggling to get between the two sannin huddled around his precious Naruto.
“S-sex? WHAT!” Naruto shoved at the clinging pervert and shrieked in disgust when a tongue curled around his other arm. “L-let go!”
“Not until you answer - ”
Both Jiraiya and Orochimaru were cut off by the Uchiha siblings, who had stopped and were staring wide-eyed at Iruka. “Twenty?!”
“Yes twenty!” Iruka brandished his own sharp and pointy kunai, and waved it about dangerously.
“B-but that's three years,” Sasuke squeaked, mind boggling at having to go without for so long.
Two rows of pearly whites were bared in an instant, the Uchiha siblings found themselves on the receiving end of the wrath known as Iruka. “Would you rather it be twenty-nine?”
There was a collective gasp, and the two siblings quickly shook their heads. “No, Iruka-sensei.”
“Aren't you being a bit harsh, Iru -”
“Are you disagreeing with me, Kakashi?”
Said jounin tried not to shudder at the murderous glint in Iruka's eyes, and instead gulped and hoped someone would be kind enough to kick him for being so stupid. “N-no! B-but!”
All three sannin coughed and something that sounded suspiciously like 'Whipped' drifted to Kakashi's ears.
Kakashi glared and was about to open his mouth to protest when Jiraiya decided to save his fellow pervert. Waving his flag in Iruka's face, Jiraiya drew the attention of the fire breathing dragon and trained his half-lidded gaze at the man. “Kakashi does have a point. Three year's worth of pent up sexual tension... Naruto won't be able to walk for weeks after his twenty-ninth birthday.”
He leaned close so that only the little group could hear. “And besides, I've heard things about the older brat.”
“Things, huh?” Tsunade slurred, feeling slightly left out. “What kind of things?”
“Kinky things,” Jiraiya said in hushed tones.
“Oh?” Immediately perking up at this new revelation, Orochimaru eyed Itachi and the infamous tongue flicked out to run over purple lips.
Having caught snatches of the whispered conversation, Itachi turned a pale shade of green when slitted eyes roamed over his body with interest. Avoiding a stab to the chest and locking his kunai with Sasuke's, Itachi turned them so that most of his body was hidden behind his brother's. And now it was Sasuke's turn to feel Orochimaru's uncomfortably intense stare.
“Bastard,” Sasuke hissed and tried to reverse their positions, but failed as Itachi held him in place with a strong hand around his neck. “Let go.”
“How about we make a deal, Sasuke,” Itachi murmured, hunching in on himself so that Sasuke's smaller form could keep him better hidden. “We both kill Orochimaru after this fight.”
Sasuke didn't have to turn around to know that his ass was currently being scrutinised. “Agreed.”
There was another tongue flick, Sasuke wondered if he could call for a time out so he could go drown himself in a boiling vat of oil. “Let's kill him now,” the younger Uchiha hissed and Itachi couldn't really argue with that suggestion.
Leaving the fighting to later, the two siblings turned to the small gathering and glared at Orochimaru. Said man lifted a slender brow. “Done with the fighting already? Have you finally come to your senses Sasuke and admit defeat to your brother?”
“You wish,” Sasuke muttered, and the two siblings moved as one towards their new target.
Just as they were within striking range, and never mind that there were innocent bystanders in range as well, Orochimaru looked at them with narrowed eyes and smirked confidently.
“Killing me won't do you any good,” the snake sennin said, tongue flicking out some more.
“And why is that?” Itachi asked, kunai poised and ready.
“Oh, just that this.” Another tongue flick. “Will go with me to the grave.”
“Who cares!” Jiraiya slurred, hoping that someone would get stabbed some time soon because he was running out of sake.
“You know,” Orochimaru started casually, pushing an inebriated and drooling Jiraiya off his shoulder with his tongue. “I could teach you this, and you would have the little blonde screaming your name to the rafters.”
Sasuke was sure if Orochimaru's face wasn't made out of plastic, the sannin would've waggled his eyebrows. Not wanting to take up the offer and just to the killing, he was unsettled to find his brother consider what had just been said. “Aniki, you're not seriously - ”
“Interesting offer,” Itachi murmured, ignoring his little brother and his attention going to an oblivious blonde who was flicking his anxious eyes from one Uchiha to the other.
Sasuke sputtered and went red in the face at the implications of just what this new tongue technique could get him. Knowing that he was going to regret doing something this stupid, he threw himself into this mess without a second thought. “If you're learning it then so am I!”
Orochimaru's too-red lips stretched out heinously in a wide smile, and the tongue came swiping out again. “Excellent! You two will make wonderful pets - I mean, students.”
There was a murmur of amusement and excitement through the onlookers, and Tsunade cackled as she patted a still lost Naruto on the back. “You are one lucky, brat! Imagine having two of those - ”
“Iruka!” Kakashi struggled to restrain a fire-breathing Iruka from attacking the drunk woman. “It won't look good if you kill the Hokage while she's drunk!”
“Let. Me. Go. Kakashi!” The chuunin stomped hard on Kakashi's foot and charged towards the three men negotiating on the terms of these 'lessons'. “I'm going to castrate the lot of them!”
“Orochimaru!” Iruka all but screamed. “You are not teaching that indecent skill to anyone!” Kunai once again waving dangerously in the air. “And you two are not going to defile Naruto with that!”
“Iruka,” Orochimaru drawled in a bored tone. “Do shut up.”
In the blink of an eye, the Tongue shot out and left a wet stripe across Iruka's cheek. There was a horrified eep, an enraged yell of 'What did you do to, Iruka-sensei?' and a muffled 'I should not be finding that arousing in any way.' before the chuunin was rendered frozen and paralysed on the spot.
As expected an angry orange blur launched itself at the snake sannin, and Orochimaru sighed in aggravation. Children these days. “Naruto-kun. If you do not get off me I will lick you. And it won't be your face.”
Surprisingly, it was the two Uchihas who quickly grabbed their precious blonde by the arms and dragged the boy off. They weren't sharing with anyone let alone Orochimaru.
“Let go! He did that to Iruka!”
And just as Naruto was about to wiggle free, the bush rustled once more and a green blur positioned itself in front of the three boys.
“What the fuck?”
“Do not fear, Naruto-kun! For I, the Green Beast of Konoha, am here!”
There was a moment's pause as everyone in the clearing tried to collect their bearings and work out just what had taken place. And then as one, the small gathering gasped in unison and quickly averted their stares from the green spandex clad jounin.
“Uh G-Gai,” Kakashi started uncertainly, afraid to look at the man with the indecently short spandex suit. Why did he chose now of all times to wear that? “What are you doing here?”
“I have come to save the bright rays of youth from being tainted!” Gai declared and launched himself between the Uchihas and Orochimaru.
And as pandemonium broke out - the gathering tried to block their eyes from the very very shiny hairless legs - Orochimaru screamed in pain and clawed uselessly at his eyes with his limp hands. There was more flashing from Gai and there was an ear piercing scream of rage and pain before it stopped, and the forest was once again quiet.
Feeling that his job had been accomplished and good has once again triumphed over evil, Gai posed victoriously over his enemy and skipped out as if he had never been there to begin with.
It was a full two minutes before everyone in the clearing deemed it safe to open their eyes and what they discovered made them stare with wide-eyed shock. Where Orochimaru should have been was now a good size rock dressed in a white kimono with a giant violet cord of rope knotted around the middle.
“Well fuck me,” Jiraiya breathed in awe, stood unsteadily on his feet and wobbled his way over with an equally inebriated Tsunade by his side.
“No one wants to fuck you, you old pervert,” Tsunade slurred and promptly slumped against the man for support. “And we should have thought of siccing Gai on the old snake years ago. Jiraiya get your hand off my breast.”
There was a nervous laugh from Jiraiya as he got in a last grope before letting go and heading in the same direction Gai had gone.
“Come back here, you bastard! I may be drunk but I can still fight!”
“Fuck!”
Kakashi watched with indecision, wondering if he should go help Jiraiya or stay with the unconscious Iruka cradled against his chest. It took all but a few seconds before he came to his decision, and he started to pat the unconscious man on the cheek. “Oi, Iruka, wake up.”
And while all this was taking place, both Uchiha siblings were once again glaring - Sasuke was glaring and Itachi was looking dispassionately at his little brother - at each other and getting ready to continue their ultimate battle for possession of a certain blonde. As they were about to launch themselves at each other, there was a loud thump and both brothers turned to find Naruto in a heap on the ground. It seemed that Orochimaru wasn't the only person to fall victim to the death rays from Gai's legs.
“Shit!”
Abandoning his fight with his brother, Sasuke rushed over hoping to get to Naruto first so he could check the blonde's vitals, but was knocked aside by a sudden blow to his head. Groaning in pain and not liking the taste of dirt at all, he watched uselessly as Itachi smirked triumphantly over his little brother.
“When will you ever learn, Sasuke?” Itachi murmured, “You can never defeat me. You need to hate! Hate like you've never hated before!”
And while the older of the Uchihas demonstrated just how much Sasuke needed to hate him by the emotionless expression on his face, Naruto was slowly shaking off the paralysing effects of The Legs and cracked an eye open.
“Sasuke?” He hadn't meant to murmur the other boy's name, but it seemed to be the only word that made it passed his tongue.
Hearing the quiet voice, Sasuke craned his neck a little and found blue eyes staring at him in confusion.
“Why can't I move?”
Seeing his chance - Itachi was still raving on about how much he needed to hate - Sasuke sped towards the still confused Naruto and quickly scooped the blond up and high tailed it out of there. Naruto squeaked in protest and tried to kick out but his limbs were still semi-paralysed and all he could manage was acting like a fish out of water, thrashing weakly against Sasuke's death grip.
“What the fuck, Sasuke?”
“Shut up!” Sasuke hissed, tossing the warm body in his arms a little to get a better grip. “You're mine! No one is getting you.”
There was a moment of silence before there was a soft mumble was pressed into Sasuke's collarbone. “What did you say, moron?”
“I'm not a moron! And I said that you can't have me!”
“Yes I can!”
“No!”
“Yes! I have you now, so you can't tell me I can't have you!”
“No! I have someone else!”
“Who?” Bright red sharingan blazed in fury and Naruto wondered if it was such a good idea to break it to Sasuke when said Uchiha was still hopping nimbly from branch to branch.
“Not telling.”
“Naruto,” Sasuke growled in warning and shook the bundle in his arms a few times to get the point across. “Who?!”
“Gr! Fine fine!” Naruto relented, head spinning from the combined effects of staring into Sasuke's eyes and being shook. “The Ichiraku waitress!”
“What?” To say Sasuke was shocked beyond belief was an understatement. He had at first thought it was be the Hyuuga or even Gaara, but the waitress....?
“She's the old man's daughter!” A large grin spread itself across Naruto's face as he explained his brilliant plan. “Free ramen!”
If he could smack himself on the forehead Sasuke would've done it. “You're selling your body for ramen?”
“What? Who said anything about selling my body?”
“Then what are you giving her in exchange for the free ramen?”
“Nothing?”
“I see.....” A pause as Sasuke mulled all this over. “You're still mine.”
“What?! I already told you! I have someone - ”
“Still mine!”
“Sasuke!”
“Mine!”
Author's note: And I just couldn't resist putting Gai's legs in this.... *cough* For those who don't get it.... head towards Gai of the Shiny Legs.
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