Really Bad Eggs

A Pirates of the Caribbean fanfic by Raberba girl

 

SCENE 1

 

The scene is filled with gray fog. Slowly, a ship begins to emerge from the murky depths of the mist. A child's voice is heard, singing faintly.

 

YOUNG ELIZABETH: Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me....

 

A hand suddenly reaches out and snatches her shoulder. Elizabeth whirls around with a frightened gasp.

 

GIBBS: Whasssuuupp!

 

YOUNG ELIZABETH: Argh! You again! *takes a deep breath* DADDY!

 

Governor Swann bustles up.

 

SWANN: Oh, goodness! What is going on here?

 

YOUNG ELIZABETH: Daddy, stupid Mr. Gibbs is being juvenile again!

 

GIBBS: I know you are but what am I! Ha ha! *dances off, making faces at Elizabeth*

 

SWANN: *sigh* What a strange person that man Gibbs is.

 

YOUNG ELIZABETH: *points* Daddy, what's that?

 

The sailors are yelling, and Governor Swann's eyebrows raise in shock. From the fog emerges the remains of a destroyed, burning ship.

 

Norrington runs up, his eyes alight.

 

NORRINGTON: Pirates! YES! I've always wanted to meet a pirate! *dances off, singing the Yo Ho song*

 

YOUNG BOY'S VOICE: Everybody freeze!

 

Everyone turns to see a wet, bedraggled kid standing on the ship's railing. He is holding onto a rope with one hand to keep his balance, and pointing a pistol at the sailors with the other hand.

 

YOUNG WILL: I'm Bootstrap Will Turner, and I'm taking over this ship!

 

NORRINGTON: *points his sword threateningly at Young Will* No, you are not.

 

YOUNG WILL: Yes I am. I'm a pirate, see? *jumps onto the deck and pulls out the medallion*

 

NORRINGTON: Cool! The ship is yours!

 

He indicates the helm with a flourish. Young Will grins, nods politely to Young Elizabeth, and saunters over to take command of the ship.

 

YOUNG WILL: Hey, cute girl, do you like evil scary Aztec skulls?

 

YOUNG ELIZABETH: Yeah!

 

YOUNG WILL: *hands her his medallion* Take this, then, it freaks me out.

 

YOUNG ELIZABETH: Cool!

 

She tucks the medallion away and then watches admiringly for a while as Young Will whistles and pretends to know what he's doing.

 

YOUNG ELIZABETH (shyly): Oh, Will, you're so dashing.

 

YOUNG WILL (looking pleased): That's Bootstrap Will to you, missy. Hey, do you know how to drive a ship?

 

YOUNG ELIZABETH: No.

 

YOUNG WILL: Oh well. *happily turns the wheel this way and that, just for the fun of it*

 

SWANN: Heaven preserve us.

 

SCENE 2

 

About ten years have passed. Elizabeth is lying snoring in bed.

 

KNOCK AT THE DOOR: *knock, knock*

 

ELIZABETH: Donwannagoschoo....

 

Will kicks open the door and skips in.

 

WILL: Elizabeth, Elizabeth! Wake up, I have a present for you!

 

ELIZABETH: *bounces out of bed* Ooh, is it Christmas?

 

WILL: Um...no! But here's your present! *proudly presents a gorgeous dress*

 

ELIZABETH: Oh, Will, it's beautiful!

 

SWANN: *stomps in* Boy! You're a bloody thief! That dress is a present for my daughter!

 

ELIZABETH: Oh, yes, I know, Daddy, isn't it lovely? Will is so wonderful!

 

WILL: *beams*

 

SWANN: That was my gift to you, not his! He stole it before I had a chance to give it to you!

 

Elizabeth isn't listening; she is changing behind a screen. Will keeps trying to peek, and is warded off by maids wielding frying pans.

 

SWANN: Well, as long as you are putting it on, make sure you wear the corset, too. It's the latest fashion.

 

WILL: I'm fashionable! Gimme, I'm wearing it! *grabs the corset from Elizabeth and ties it on* Oooh, kind of tight.

 

ELIZABETH: That's because it's in my size. We'll get you one in men's size next time we stop by the mall.

 

SWANN: There is no men's size, it's an undergarment for women!

 

WILL: You don't say! Well, I'd better not wear it, then. Come on! The guy with the wig is throwing a party!

 

Will drags Elizabeth out the door, and Governor Swann sighs and follows them.

 

SCENE 3

 

Commodore Norrington and a bunch of British guys in red are dancing to techno music in the fort.

 

NORRINGTON: Yo ho, whassup, me hearty?

 

WILL: Norry! Cool party, man!

 

They start dancing. Elizabeth is bored and wanders around. She goes up to a stone ledge and pulls out the gold medallion to look at.

 

ELIZABETH: It's so pretty. That figure there in the middle looks almost like a face!

 

Jack sneaks up behind Elizabeth and grabs her.

 

JACK: Yay, lunch!

 

ELIZABETH: Eek!

 

She attempts to stab him in the eye with the medallion and they both lose their balance and fall off the ledge.

 

JACK & ELIZABETH: Aaaahhh! *splash*

 

Will and Norrington stop dancing.

 

NORRINGTON: Hey, did you hear that?

 

WILL: No. *sighs* Actually, yes! Let's go!

 

They run to the ledge.

 

NORRINGTON: ELIZABEEEETH!

 

WILL: *gasp* That dude is swimming with my girlfriend!

 

NORRINGTON: *looks up, startled* What? She's my girlfriend, you punk!

 

WILL: Who you callin' "punk?" *punch*

 

NORRINGTON: *smack*

 

They fight. Meanwhile, in the water....

 

JACK: I can't swim! *glub, glub*

 

ELIZABETH: What are you talking about?! You're a pirate, of course you can swim!

 

JACK: I can? Oh yeah. *swims away, carrying Elizabeth*

 

SCENE 4

 

The Black Pearl looms ragged and shadowy out of the mist. Barbossa is eating apples while the crew chase the monkey around.

 

VOICE FROM THE WATER: Ahoy! I've got lunch!

 

CREW: Yar!

 

They pull up Captain Jack Sparrow, who's got Elizabeth draped over his shoulder.

 

JACK: Good catch, this one. She's a governor's daughter. And she had this round yellow shiny thing on her, you think it's edible?

 

BARBOSSA: No.

 

JACK: Ah, too late, I already ate it.

 

ELIZABETH: Wah! That was a present from Will!

 

The crew freezes.

 

BARBOSSA: Will who?

 

ELIZABETH: That's Bootstrap Will Turner to you, you big scary man! *kicks ineffectually at Jack*

 

BARBOSSA: Will Turner? Whoopee! Nice one, Jack, you'll get a raise for this.

 

JACK: ??????

 

BARBOSSA: Lock her in the brig!

 

CREW: Yar!

 

SCENE 5

 

Elizabeth is thrown into a cell. The crew lock her in and go back up on deck. Elizabeth turns and sees two other women locked in with her.

 

ELIZABETH: Who are you?

 

GISELLE (to Scarlett): Who's she?

 

SCARLETT (to Elizabeth): Who're you?

 

ELIZABETH (haughtily): I am Elizabeth Swann, daughter of the governor of Port Royal, and my two boyfriends Will Turner and Commodore Norrington will rescue me at any moment!

 

SCARLETT: Bully for you. I'm Scarlett, this is Giselle. Were you captured by Jack Sparrow?

 

ELIZABETH: Yes.

 

SCARLETT & GISELLE (enraged): I'm gonna kill that lying cheating...!

 

Elizabeth is scandalized as they continue on in this vein for some time.

 

SCENE 6

 

JACK: So, when's lunch? I claim the governor's daughter.

 

CREW: We wants the redhead!

 

BARBOSSA: Shut up! *turns to Jack* At last, we've found Bootstrap Will Turner. We must set sail for our Secret Pirate Cave immediately! Give me that compass.

 

JACK: What compass?

 

BARBOSSA: The one that's on crack and doesn't point North!

 

JACK: Oh, that compass.

 

BARBOSSA: Why do you have that sheepish look on your face?!

 

JACK: Because I, er...lost it when I was trying to infiltrate that British dude's party?

 

BARBOSSA: Jack, you idiot!

 

JACK: That's what I'm here for.

 

BARBOSSA: Argh! *throws a half-eaten apple at him and stalks off* Set sail for Port Royal!

 

JACK: Yay, apple! *crunch*

 

SCENE 7

 

Norrington is striding down the street, looking worried, while Will scampers along at his side and babbles.

 

WILL: Hey, Norry, I have an idea! Let's hijack-- steal-- borrow-- What is that word? Ah! Let's commandeer that ship *points to the Interceptor* and go rescue Elizabeth!

 

NORRINGTON: No, I have a better idea. Let's use this strange compass I found that doesn't point North and find out where it'll lead us.

 

WILL: Okay! Shotgun!

 

NORRINGTON: No fair!

 

GILLETTE: But there is no shotgun on a ship. Ships don't have seats.

 

WILL & NORRINGTON: You be quiet!

 

SCENE 8

 

Barbossa and Jack are wandering around Port Royal.

 

BARBOSSA: Excuse me, sir, have you seen an odd-looking compass that doesn't point north?

 

MAN: The horror! The horror! *runs off, screaming*

 

Barbossa sighs, then rounds on his companion.

 

BARBOSSA: Jack, you idiot! If you hadn't lost the compass in the first place--

 

JACK: But we looked all around that fort where the party was! Why wasn't it there?!

 

BARBOSSA: Maybe someone picked it up. Or threw it away.

 

JACK: Hey, that's an idea.

 

Governor Swann sees them.

 

SWANN: You are pirates! If Commodore Norrington were here, you'd be swinging from a rope by now!

 

JACK: Whee! I love swings.

 

BARBOSSA: Have an apple.

 

SWANN: Why, thank you. *takes a bite* Apples are very good for stress, you know.

 

JACK (sympathetically): Are you stressed?

 

SWANN: Yes. My daughter was kidnapped by a scurvy-looking drunk pirate--

 

JACK: *looks sheepish*

 

SWANN: --and Commodore Norrington, the defender of Port Royal, has gone lollygagging off on a wild goose chase, trying to see where a broken compass will lead him.

 

BARBOSSA & JACK: ?!?!?!?!

 

BARBOSSA (sweetly): Did you say, "broken compass?"

 

SWANN: Yes.

 

JACK: Which way were they going?!

 

SWANN: Uh...that way. *points*

 

BARBOSSA & JACK: YES!

 

They hug a startled Governor Swann and then run back to the ship, intending to set sail immediately.

 

SCENE 9

 

ELIZABETH: So you're saying they turn into creepy skeletons in the full moonlight?

 

GISELLE (breathlessly): Yeah! Cool, huh?

 

ELIZABETH: Awesome!

 

SCARLETT: Anyone want some gum?

 

SCENE 10

 

WILL: This is a nifty ship you have here. If I was a pirate, I'd steal it! I meant commandeer it.

 

NORRINGTON: But you are a pirate.

 

WILL: Oh yeah.

 

NORRINGTON: That's so cool, right!

 

WILL: Right!

 

They sing the Yo Ho song until they get to the mouth of a cave.

 

NORRINGTON: Let's go in!

 

WILL: Why?

 

NORRINGTON: Because we can.

 

WILL: But...it's dark and scary in there.

 

NORRINGTON: Hey, Will, look, treasure!

 

WILL: Where?!

 

NORRINGTON: It went into the cave, come on!

 

They hop into a rowboat and quickly row into the cave. Will cannot figure out why Norrington is grinning.

 

WILL: YAY! TREASURE!

 

NORRINGTON: Oh. There really is treasure.

 

WILL: Whoo hoo, I'm rich! Okay, let's go save Elizabeth now.

 

NORRINGTON: Right on!

 

They leave.

 

SCENE 11

 

The Black Pearl drifts up to the mouth of the Secret Pirate Cave.

 

BARBOSSA: Come on, men! The dudes with the compass are inside!

 

JACK: Wait...didn't we need the compass to find the Secret Pirate Cave in the first place?

 

BARBOSSA: Yeah. So?

 

JACK: Well...we're here, aren't we? Without the compass?

 

BARBOSSA: Oh. Right, then! Bring the governor's daughter!

 

The crew drags Elizabeth into the Secret Pirate Cave, and then stop in horror.

 

BARBOSSA: *gasp* The treasure! It's gone!

 

Jack runs and checks his secret stash.

 

JACK: So's the rum!

 

BARBOSSA: BLOODY PIRATES!

 

SCENE 12

 

Will and Commodore Norrington are sitting on a beach, drinking rum.

 

WILL: Wow, that was weird, huh? How that deserted island came up out of nowhere and hit our ship?

 

NORRINGTON: Yeah. Weird, too, how you were the one at the helm.

 

WILL: Yeah! *laughs and takes a drink of rum*

 

NORRINGTON: *rolls his eyes*

 

A small explosion is suddenly heard from behind them.

 

WILL: Hey, do you smell smoke?

 

NORRINGTON: *gasp* They're burning the palm trees and the rum!

 

Will and Norrington jump up and run to where the crew of the Interceptor has set half the island on fire.

 

NORRINGTON: What are you doing?!

 

CREW: It's a signal. A passing ship will see it and rescue us.

 

NORRINGTON: Oh. *shrugs* Cool.

 

SCENE 13

 

The Black Pearl is sailing under a full moon. Elizabeth, Scarlett, and Giselle are led on deck, where the crew are happily brandishing forks, salt shakers, and bowls of salad.

 

SCARLETT: Now's the part where they eat us.

 

JACK: Hee hee.

 

CREW: We wants the redhead!

 

SCARLETT: *grins and bats her eyelashes*

 

ELIZABETH: Ew, they're skeletons!

 

BARBOSSA: *smiles* Yes, my dear. Aren't I lovely?

 

ELIZABETH: Ooh, yes! Marry me!

 

BARBOSSA: Okay!

 

JACK: Hey, look, there's a smoke signal.

 

BARBOSSA: Where?

 

ELIZABETH: I bet it's Will and Norry come to rescue me!

 

GISELLE: I thought you were marrying the skeleton?

 

ELIZABETH: I never said I wanted to be rescued.

 

SCENE 14

 

WILL: Look, it's a ship. Hi, ship!

 

BLACK PEARL: Hi, Will!

 

BARBOSSA: Knock it off!

 

BLACK PEARL: Sorry.

 

Barbossa, Jack, Elizabeth, Scarlett, and Giselle go onshore.

 

WILL & NORRINGTON: Elizabeth!

 

ELIZABETH: Hi.

 

BARBOSSA: Is this Bootstrap Will Turner?

 

ELIZABETH: Yes.

 

BARBOSSA: You stole our compass! And our treasure!

 

JACK: And our rum!

 

NORRINGTON: There's rum here.

 

JACK: There is?

 

NORRINGTON: Or, there was, until the crew burned it.

 

JACK: Kill!

 

He charges at the crew, who run screaming.

 

WILL: Sorry about the treasure. But I'm a pirate, you know, and pirates steal treasure. And compasses.

 

BARBOSSA: No they don't.

 

WILL: Yes they do!

 

BARBOSSA: No they don't!

 

WILL: Well I'm a pirate, and I stole a compass, so there!

 

BARBOSSA: Oh.

 

WILL: *thinks for a minute* Well, actually I didn't steal the compass. Norry found it lying on the ground and picked it up.

 

BARBOSSA: See!

 

WILL (defensively): But pirates still steal compasses!

 

SCARLETT: By the way, why were you after Bootstrap Will Turner in the first place, Captain Barbossa?

 

BARBOSSA: Er.... *digs his toe in the dirt shyly* I wanted your autograph.

 

WILL: Really?

 

BARBOSSA: Yeah. *blushes* I think you're the coolest pirate since Blackbeard.

 

WILL: Oh, I feel special!

 

He signs Barbossa's hat.

 

BARBOSSA: *smiles happily*

 

ELIZABETH: Well, now that everyone's happy, let's end it right now, shall we?

 

NORRINGTON: But Will and I both lost the girl.

 

Scarlett purrs up to Norrington.

 

SCARLETT: You know, I've always liked wigs.

 

NORRINGTON: *silly smile*

 

GISELLE: *sizes up Will* Eh, you'll do.

 

WILL: You know, I also played Legolas in Lord of the Rings.

 

GISELLE: *gasp* You didn't!

 

WILL: I did.

 

GISELLE: Darling! *latches onto Will's arm*

 

WILL: *beams*

 

BLACK PEARL: Ooh, a wedding, I love weddings! Drinks all around!

 

THE END