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Suzuhara Toji opened the classroom door to see more empty seats than students. "Where is everybody?" "They fled to safer havens. Many were transferred to other schools-- not surprising, considering the city is now a battlefield," Aida Kensuke answered, smiling. Toji frowned. "Do you really want our hometown to be a battlefield, with collateral damage and UFOs everywhere?" "You mean UXO-- unexploded ordnance," the bespectacled boy corrected his friend. "Whatever." "Toji, are you okay?" Class President Horaki Hikari asked. "You were absent since the robot appeared." "With good reason: the giant robot demolished our house." Toji heard a gasp escape the girl's lips. "No one was hurt-- my family was in the designated shelter when it happened-- but," a clenched fist rose between the two, "I ain't satisfied until I feed that piece-of-shit pilot a knuckle sandwich." "By the way, did you hear anything about the transfer student?" Kensuke changed the subject. "Transfer student?" The bespectacled boy pointed across the room. "That's him. He transferred here while you were gone, right after the giant robot incident. Isn't that unusual?" "He" was Shinji, who fell asleep while sitting straight in his chair. The teacher failed to catch the Eva pilot's inattentiveness-- or the students who were obviously asleep, their heads resting on their desks or their chairs reclining against the desks behind them. The elderly man droned on... and on... as the students' attention bled from the grievous boredom he inflicted. A flashing light drew the pilot's attention to his school laptop. The question "Are you really the pilot of that giant robot? Y/N" appeared onscreen, followed by "You are, aren't you?" Toji frowned when the answer "No" appeared onscreen, and turned to Shinji. "Just follow the script, will you? Answer, 'Yes,' let me hit you for demolishing my house, and then save my life by taking me into Unit 01's entry plug when the Fourth Angel attacks, demonstrating how big a hero you are." The pilot's eyes-- cold, calculating, like a viper preparing to strike-- met a shivering Toji's, sending the fear of death down the school jock's spine. "The only way this will end well, is if we both walk away before the first punch is thrown." Toji's mouth opened and closed; no words emerged until he was confident he wouldn't stutter and reveal weakness. "What's the bad ending?" "I walk away, and you're carried away-- to the emergency room if you're lucky, to the morgue if you're not." Toji's mouth opened to protest, but Hikari spoke for the jock. "Suzuhara-kun, stop breaking the Fourth Wall!" "Yes, Ma'am." *** N00B GENESIS EVANGELION, Part 2 *** "I got to see it-- just once before I die!" Kensuke exclaimed. Toji frowned at his friend. "The battle outside?" the bomb shelter. "I'm afraid if the next enemy comes... oomph!" Kensuke was interrupted when the jock's hand covered his mouth. Toji looked around the latrine. "The transfer student is now an American gun nut, all out-of-character," he whispered. "If we do as we did Episode Three of the TV series, he won't try to save us when the Angel comes. He might even stomp on us as he charges towards the Angel-- likely by accident, but we'll be just as dead." Sensing an unspoken question, he added, "I don't want the author to know I broke the Fourth Wall." Kensuke pushed away Toji's hand. "He already knows! And don't touch me with hands that just held your cock as you pee!" The jock grimaced. "Sorry." He turned to the sink and washed his hands; when he turned back, the bespectacled boy was gone. "Kensuke, you moron!" * Shamshel, Angel of the Sun, coiled a tentacle around Unit 01's ankle. "Shrieeeek!" Then the squid-like alien threw the Eva towards a hill from which Kensuke watched the battle. "Shit!" The bespectacled boy turned and began to run; then Unit 01 fell on its back, sending shock waves that knocked Kensuke off his feet. The Command Center was in furor as its personnel analyzed this Angel's abilities. If Sachiel was the night, Shamshel was the day; such were their differences. "Damage report!" Misato demanded. Makoto's fingers danced on the keyboard. "Minimal damage-- Unit 01 remains operational." Then Unit 01's gun camera captured a silhouette at the edge of Shinji's peripheral vision; Kensuke's school identification appeared below the bespectacled boy onscreen. Misato's eyes widened. "Shinji's classmate?" "Why isn't he in his designated shelter?" Maya wondered aloud. Shamshel's tentacles thrashed at Unit 01, missing the Eva by a handspan as Shinji rolled away from the attack. Kensuke had no time to scream before the burning red tentacle struck him; luckily, his wound was instantly cauterized, as the Angel meant to burn through Unit 01's armor. The Command Center personnel collectively winced. "Ouch." Maya turned to Misato. "Should you order Ikari-kun to let-- what's his name, Kenny-- into the entry plug before retreating?" Unit 01 grabbed a tentacle to pull the Angel closer. The other tentacle coiled around the Eva's neck, but Shinji literally beat Shamshel to the punch. "Do you," the Angel flew backward and then forward, becoming a monstrous yo-yo as a pull followed each blow, "know," crack, "who," crunch, "you," squish, "are," squirt, "fucking," clatter, splatter, "with?" splash! The armor protecting Shamshel's super solenoid (S²) organ-- an angelic power source-- lay fragmented on the ground. Violet ichor dripped from Unit 01's right hand; the left gripped the tentacle it tore free. Shamshel had the strength for one last blow; the Angel used it to raise a sign labeled, "I GIVE UP-- YOU WIN". Misato frowned at the screen before her. "Why did the author think Shinji-kun would be a better pilot if he grew up in America?" Unit 01 shrugged, mirroring its pilot. "Could be worse. If I grew up in Russia-- unconcerned about innocent bystanders, collateral damage, and shit like that-- I'd nuke the city to get this guy," the Eva pointed at Shamshel. "And I mean nuke-- one-point-oh megaton of fiery death and destruction, minimum. Then I'll go home and toast myself-- with vodka, like any good Russian-- while you people deal with the radioactive and political fallout." Everyone paled within earshot, including the Angel. "Conceded." "CONCEDED". *** N00B GUN NUT EVANGELION A 'Neon Genesis Evangelion' story by Sidewinder (aim9snake@hotmail.com), 2009, revised 2010. Characters created and owned by Gainax. *** Kensuke found himself in an empty room. "Where am I?" A 14-year-old boy and a 29-year-old woman appeared before him; the two stood facing each other, seemingly unaware of the bespectacled boy. "The transfer student?" "Why did you disobey...?" A frustrated Misato put a hand on her forehead. "Wait, I didn't get to order you to retreat. This story is fucking up the TV series in every way." The raven-haired beauty turned to Kensuke. "What are you doing here?" The bespectacled boy shrugged. "I'd tell you if I knew where 'here' was." "Wait, you're unconscious now; that means this is a dream. You're not supposed to... Hell, Toji-kun's not supposed to do this until in Episode 19!" Misato referred to the television series. "Captain." "Yaaaa!" Misato turned and drew a Heckler & Koch Universal Self-loading Pistol (USP), whose Laser Aiming Module (LAM) projected a red dot on the female albino's forehead. "Rei-chan!" The beautiful tactician took a deep breath, and holstered her USP. "You almost gave me a heart attack!" "I apologize, Captain." Rei's voice carried no emotions, despite the fact she was but 11.3 millimeters-- the weapon's trigger travel in double-action mode-- from death. "I am here to accuse Pilot Ikari of cowardice, as I do in Episode 19." "Fine, fine." Misato walked away from the 14-year-olds, adding, "Don't let the author fuck up the story worse than it already is," before exiting this scene. "Yes, Captain." Rei disappeared and then reappeared with two folding chairs, which she set facing each other. "Please be seated, Ikari-kun." After they sat down, the female albino asked, "Ikari-kun, why did you do that?" "I'm sorry for what happened to-- what's his name, Kenny Something-- but shit happens in wars." "Did you try to understand your father's feelings?" Rei continued. A skeptical Shinji frowned. "Understand his feelings... about what?" "Ikari-kun, please follow the script. Your next line is 'I did.' I repeat the question, you say, 'I said I did,' and then I accuse you of running away from conflict." "It's impossible for me to act the way I did in the TV series," Shinji countered. "The author all but rewrote my biography-- my life from ages four through 14. A gun fetish is the least remarkable trait I gained." A skeptical Kensuke frowned. "You don't tell yourself, 'I must not run away,' in the face of battle?" "Hell no! Now I say-- will say when I'm old enough to enlist-- 'I'm not paid enough to deal with this shit,'" Shinji answered. "Wait, Misato-san said Toji was supposed to appear in this scene. Does this mean I'm a gimp now?" the bespectacled boy used a derogative term for the physically disabled. "Affirmative," the albino answered. "This sucks! I would've given an arm and a leg to pilot an Evangelion! I just gave a limb, but NERV won't make me a pilot!" "NERV will compensate you by providing a cloned limb, and granting you the status of reserve Eva pilot," Rei added. "Really?" Happiness poured forth from Kensuke's heart. "Yahoo!" "Do you know what the hell that means? Cloned organs are still in development; that means you'll be the guinea pig. Don't be surprised if your new limb becomes a great serpent and bites off your head, like King Hiss'," Shinji deadpanned. "King Who?" "A character in 'He-Man and the Masters of the Universe'," Unit 01's pilot named a 2002 TV series. "That's a small price to pay for the honor-- the privilege of piloting the most powerful weapon known to man." "No, the Tsar Bomb is the most powerful weapon known to man. Hell, the Soviets deliberately halved its output from the original 100 megatons, so the bomb wouldn't destroy the very expensive bomber dropping it. As nutty as they are, I'm glad an American is writing this story. A Russian will declare Tokyo-3 and its inhabitants as regrettable but necessary sacrifices; you know what happens next." Reality was a locomotive, hitting the bespectacled boy as he walked along the railway to fantasy. "Oh." "It is time," Rei stated. With that... * "You have special permission to visit him-- no more than five minutes," a nurse said. Toji began, "But... oomph!" "Yes, Ma'am. We sincerely thank you for your help," Hikari said, her hand covering the jock's mouth. Kensuke awoke to find himself on a hospital bed. "Oh, hey Toji, hey Class President," he greeted. "Aida-kun, are you okay?" Hikari asked. The bespectacled boy's head turned to see empty space where his left leg was. "It looks like I'm alive. I thought the transfer student was here? Was it...?" Kensuke frowned at the splint on Toji's right arm, immobilizing it from collarbone to knuckle. "It was no dream, was it?" "Ikari-kun came to apologize for what happened to you, but you were still unconscious, so he left flowers," Hikari pointed at a bouquet of yellow carnations, "for you." Toji added, "I was gonna teach him a lesson--" when Hikari pinched his bandaged forearm. "Ah!" "Ikari-kun warned you what would happen if you fought him," the girl rebuked. "You were lucky he only broke your arm..." "And dislocated it," the jock interrupted. "If he broke your neck or your back, he wouldn't be prosecuted for killing or crippling you." "I didn't hit him..." "But you threw the first punch! He can say he acted in self-defense, in a court of law!" "Damn Americans and their Second Amendment," Toji growled. Hikari ignored the jock as she turned to the bespectacled boy. "You were unconscious for three days, Aida-kun." "Was I? For three whole days?" A skeptical Kensuke frowned at the girl. "Wait, you're supposed to visit a hospitalized Toji in Episode 19, because you're secretly in love with him. Does this mean you...?" His eyes widened as he turned to his friend. "Don't tell me this is a yaoi story!" a sexually explicit one about male homosexuals. "I doubt it, considering all the politically incorrect comments the author put in the transfer student's mouth," Toji bitterly spat. *** To be continued.
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