InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ I Am Waiting for Something to Go Wrong ❯ This Cycle... ( Chapter 1 )

A/N: This is an AU songfic based on the lyrics from Expo 86 by Death Cab For Cutie. I'm not sure the lyrics really mean what I make them mean in this fic, but oh well. I think I did a good job of warping them. Just remember that I'm big on symbolism and stuff. You might have to think about a line for it to make sense. Gasp. I like the feel of the music, too. The lyrics are dark, but the melody is light. Like something is being hidden. Then the chorus comes in "I am waiting…" and there's this surge of feeling in the guitar and vocals. It's good. Go find Death Cab. They rock. This song is off of Transatlanticism.

OOC?: So… Inu-Yasha may seem OOC here, but I maintain stubbornly that he isn't. For an explanation, wait till the end of the fic. I don't want to reveal to much before you even get to it ~_^

Disclaimer: I don't own Inu-Yasha. I also don't own Death Cab For Cutie whose song I am so shamelessly using.

I Am Waiting for Something to Go Wrong

The rain plasters his shirt to his chest and highlights the warm tan of his skin. And his hair is washed ebony, dripping into flickering gray eyes.

He doesn't notice how my eyes widen at the sight of him.

"Fucking rain. Why did you pick an apartment so far from the bus stop?"

I jolt from my shameless admiration and force a light tone. "Because you're cute when you look like a drowned puppy." Hide the lie in truth. He's not looking, so he won't see the darkness obscuring my words.

"Goddammit, Kagome. I'm not a dog." He growls and stalks into my small apartment. I close my mouth on the obvious and turn my head to follow his easy movement to my bathroom.

"Want a shower?" I call as rain drifts onto my feet.

"Naw, just a towel. A little rain won't kill me."

"It might." I shrug and kick the door closed.

"You're so fucking weird, Kagome. Where are all your towels?"

I blink and pad to the little closet hiding my washer and dryer. "Just a second."

"And when did you change the shower curtain?"

"Isn't it cute?" I pop the dryer open and fish out a pastel colored towel. The color will make him squirm. "I found it yesterday."

"Aren't you on a budget?" He appears in the doorway and leans against the frame. My hands twitch against the terrycloth and I toss the towel in his face, turning to the kitchen. Memories overlay his damp form. In my mind I still see the curving smile and the invitation extending with his fingertips. Back then, he'd reached so far for me that I'd had no choice but to be reeled into his arms and mouth.

"A girl can splurge every now and then." I fumble with cabinets and memories. The past clouds my eyes and I can't find the popcorn.

"Hey, Kagome, you okay?" His presence at my back makes my knees tremble. Warm hands pull me around and I struggle to meet his frank gaze.

"What? I'm fine."

"Bullshit. Come on, you know you can tell me." I don't think he realizes his thumbs are rubbing along the ridge of my collarbone.

Sometimes I think this cycle never ends.

The chill of the linoleum seeps into my feet, but I can't tear my eyes from his face. The pale green towel drapes across his shoulders, but he hasn't used it yet. In the silence the drip of water from his clothes and hair is deafening.

"No I can't." I return softly and peel his hands from my shoulders. "You're doing it again."

His eyes widen and he steps back. "Sorry."

"It's fine," I lie, "I know you don't really mean it." I hope he does.

He sighs and rubs the towel against his head. I wince and return to my hunt for the popcorn. I don't even remember why I decided these nights would be safe after everything that has happened.

We slide from top to bottom and we turn and climb again.

Because I still have this childish hope living in me, I remind myself. Maybe if I'm careful enough I'll tease something real and lasting from him.

"What are we watching this time?" His voice fades as he moves into the living room. There is only a thin wall between us, but the distance clenches my chest. If I was just a little bit bolder, I would throw myself into his careless caresses and damn the consequences. But for my careful wisdom, I have given up bold moves. If I want to keep anything, I'll have to climb the slippery pole with caution.

And it seems by the time I have figured what it's worth, the squeaking of our skin against the steel has gotten worse.

I keep slipping, but this time I have gained more ground than even the first time. I don't think he's aware of my silent struggle for our love. I don't think he remembers why it's worth the toil.

"I don't know. I rented something light and something dark. And there's always my collection to choose from." I hold my breath.

"Romances? Kagome, I don't think I can put up with your sniffling tonight."

I release it with a wry chuckle and shove a pack of popcorn into the microwave. He's so coarse, but I can't help but love his honesty. It lets me know without question when I've managed another inch up.

"Fine. So action or horror?" I lean against the doorway to the living room and fold my arms across my chest. He stares into space for a moment in thought and grins.

"Horror."

I shake my head and turn back to the kitchen as the microwave shrills. "Okay, but I won't be held responsible for my actions."

"I'm tough," he scoffs, "You aren't that strong."

"Then why do you always whine that I'm breaking your arm?" I shoot back. The steam burns my fingers and I hiss a surprised breath.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing, just burned my finger."

"Clumsy."

"Shut up." I tilt my chin up at him as I come into the room, popcorn bowl in hand. He scowls at me and tosses his towel onto the back of a chair. I tuck the movie into the VCR with one hand and punch the power button. The opening fades into color and I turn back to find a hand extended to me. I blink at it in confusion. He waves it impatiently and I set the bowl on the coffee table and settle next to him on the couch.

"Which hand?"

I obediently hold out my throbbing fingers and he presses them to his chest. The cool damp of his shirt eases the burning. I turn startled eyes to his face, but it's a mask to me. I want to move my hand away, but I can't.

But if I move my place in line, I'll lose.

And I have waited; the anticipation's got me glued.

"Inu-Yasha?" My voice is breathy and unsure.

"What?" Warmth floods my limbs at the casual expression on his face. We've discussed this plainly. In our battle to remain friends without having my heart shattered over and over again. He shouldn't touch me like this.

I am waiting for something to go wrong.

I am waiting for familiar resolve.

"Aren't you cold?" The danger drops from my lips and I blush at my own carelessness. Where have my defenses gone? The careful ascent is threatened with each second I let this continue. If I'm not careful, the precious relationship I have built will shatter in winds too fast and strong for it to withstand. And the shards of what might have been lodging in my heart will hurt more than the slide away from love.

"Yeah." He releases my hand and peels his shirt from his torso. My mouth dries at the sight of so much that I want but dare not reach for yet. The knowledge that once I'd possessed it without question only burns the need harder into my chest. My fingers twitch against the rough fabric of the couch.

"I'll get you a blanket."

He blocks my turn to rise with an arm around my waist. "You'll miss the movie." I try to protest, but my body folds into his lap before I can form a coherent thought.

Sometimes it seems that I don't have the skills to recollect,

The twists and turns of plots that took us from lovers to friends.

"I can pause the movie," I point out. My senses are screaming caution. One false step and my careful work will crumble to ash. But which way should I move? Into his embrace or to the other corner of the couch?

"I'd get your blanket wet." His face is too close and his eyes are searching the planes of my cheeks and lips.

I frown. "You're getting my pajamas wet." Water is seeping from his jeans and soaking the thin material of my pants. If I don't decide quickly, they'll start to reveal what he used to have a right to see and I'll be stuck for the night. The thought of him seeing me again is too much for my heart to take. That he might gaze at what he used to want and not flick an eyelid.

"You'll live."

I'm thinking I should take that volume back up off the shelf

And crack its weary spin and read to help remind myself.

"Jerk." I mutter with maybe more heat than I should. He stubbornly tucks my back against his chest and his chin into the crook of my shoulder. I lean against him stiffly and try to concentrate on the movie. The scenes move in quick flashes of dull color and I can't string them together. The brush of breath against my jaw is too distracting.

"Wouldn't Kikyo disapprove?" I snap. I'm frazzled and my grip on caution is slipping from the tremor in my hands. I tuck them between my thighs, hoping the warmth will coax my blood to thaw.

"Kikyo, who?" He mutters and the rumble of his chest tricks me into melting against him.

"Kikyo, your girlfriend."

"Not anymore."

I tense again and my fingers bite into the flesh of my thighs. How am I supposed to respond? Is he inviting me to tie this admission and the strange affection of his actions together?

But if I move my place in line, I'll lose.

And I have waited; the anticipation's got me glued.

"What happened?" It seems like a safe question.

"Bitch was leading me on."

"I'm sorry." I want to turn and hug him close. Ill-concealed sorrow ghosts behind his words and my heart leans to him in response.

"What's so great about my brother, anyway?" His pinky has slipped under the hem of my shirt. I'm trying not to breathe so it won't caress the skin of my belly. Does he remember how sensitive it is?

"She's with Sesshomaru?" His words finally penetrate my foggy mind. Someone screams in the movie we've forgotten and I admire the timing.

"I think she wanted him the whole time."

The betrayal hangs between us. She was the reason he left the other pillow on my bed cold. I hadn't blamed him at the time. Her beauty was so much more refined. Mystery and poise clung to her fluid movements and heavy-lidded eyes. Mine have always been wide and staring. I think he resented the way I'd drink him in with them whenever he was around.

"I'm sorry." I say again. My fingers are digging into my skin. They itch to stroke the frown from his face.

"Don't be. I was an idiot. I don't even know why I started dating her in the first place."

And that hurts more than anything he has ever said.

"Because you love her." My voice is fierce. Anything less than love and my hands will slip from the bite of the pole. I'll fall into the black void because it will mean I never had a reason to fight for every precious inch in the first place.

"I don't know that that's what it was." He muses and shifts his head so his forehead is pressed to the skin of my neck.

"Then why did you leave?" My throat convulses against the lump of terror lodged there. I'm begging him to give my struggle meaning.

"I don't know." He sighs and his nose curves into the arch of my neck.

I am waiting for something to go wrong.

"Don't say that, Inu-Yasha." I plead.

I am waiting for familiar resolve.

"Why not? I really don't know why. We were good together, weren't we?"

"Yes."

"So I don't know why I left."

I am waiting for another repeat.

If he denies this now, I don't know if I'll be able to remain here any longer.

"You fell in love with her. It didn't matter that we were a good couple, because you loved her and that was more important." All I'd wanted was to honestly earn his love. That was all I wanted. Just a chance to prove that I could love him longer and warmer than her. Honest competition.

But now I know there was never a reason. He'd left on a whim. A flicker of beauty caught his wandering attention that was drifting because there was nothing to hold it. Because I wasn't enough to hold his heart. I fold in on myself.

Another diet fed by crippling defeat.

"I think I thought I loved her. She was so different." He slides his hand beneath my shirt and runs lazy fingers over my stomach. My breath hitches and a tear fights its way down my face and catches at my mouth.

He's here. He wants me. But now I'm too scared to do anything. I have won, but only now realize I was in the wrong competition.

"I don't think I really loved her. I don't know why I left." It's an apology I can't accept. A bit of salt drips onto the hand resting above my breasts and he flinches.

"Kagome?" He raises his head and his thumb traces up the damp track on my face.

"Don't tell me that, Inu-Yasha."

And I'm waiting for that sense of relief,

I am waiting for you to flee the scene.

"What?"

"Don't tell me you didn't love her. Don't tell me that you 'don't know why.'" Anger drips from my eyes as I pull away from his arms. I don't care if he sees my legs through the soaked fabric of my pants. He never saw them as much more than rounded flesh.

"Kagome." There is a frown in his voice, but I ignore it. I stalk into my room and slam the door behind me. My face finds my pillow and I take in a mouthful to muffle the sobs jumping against my chest.

If he only thought he loved Kikyo, maybe he'd only thought he'd loved me, too.

As if you held in your hand the smoking gun,

And on the floor lay the one you said you loved.

He pounds on my door and his voice is full of panic. "Hey, Kagome. Open up. What's wrong? I'm trying to say that I made a mistake, dammit!"

"Don't say that!" I shriek and pull the other pillow over my head.

"I know I hurt you, Kagome. I want to make it up to you."

I hurl the pillow at the door and it rattles the wood against the frame.

"How? By having sex with me again? By sleeping with me for awhile until you 'think you love' someone else?"

"Don't put words in my mouth! You know that's not all I want, that's not what we used to be."

"I didn't have to! You said it all yourself. If you can leave me so easily the second a prettier face shows up, you couldn't have loved me very much to begin with. I guess you thought Kikyo would be hotter than what you were already getting."

I don't know where these words are coming from. They fly from my mouth and lash against the door, the only protection he has from my rage. Or maybe my only protection from him. Even now I ache for the feel of his hands on my face. The lies he whispered to me are like poison now, but were so sweet to the taste.

The doorknob turns and I panic.

"Don't come in here!" I shrill.

"Shut up, Kagome. Don't tell me what to do." He flings the door aside and glowers at me. I'm half pushed up on my side and my head throbs at the sight of him in my doorway. If I close my eyes a little, the scowl would disappear and his bare chest would be a promise, not a threat.

"Get out." Even he can hear the plea in my voice. He pounces on the small weakness and crosses the room in two strides.

"You're not listening to me." He sits on the edge of the bed and leans over me, a hand braced on either side of my face. "I'm saying I made a mistake, Kagome. I shouldn't have left."

"You don't love me."

"Yes I do."

"No you don't," I insist in a hushed voice, "If you did, you wouldn't have left me. You just like the way you feel with me. That's lust."

"How is that different from love?" He demands. "How is liking how I feel when I'm with you different from that?"

"But you-"

"Left. I know. I was an idiot. I think I was scared because it wasn't just lust."

"Liar."

"Maybe. I only have an idea right now." His nose slides along mine and his breath puffs against my lips.

"I don't understand."

"Like I do? That's why I want to try again. I want to be with you again, Kagome."

"What if it isn't real?" I protest. "I don't think I can be just friends with you if it isn't."

"I don't care. I want you. I won't wait anymore."

My hand grabs the fingers brushing away the hair clinging to my sticky face.

"You were waiting?"

"Yeah, where were you?" His lips tug at mine with the words and I start to tremble.

"Please don't," I turn my face away and take shallow breaths. How am I supposed to resist him when he's bent on seducing me?

"I can't help it. I need to touch you."

"It's just lust."

"But it might be love."

I've known him for years, but I never expected those words from his mouth. I draw my eyes back to his face and search the gray for deceit. He is willing to put everything between us on the line for this chance. He will forfeit our friendship to feel out the truth behind this funny emotion between us.

So why can't I be as brave? If I believe enough, I should be willing to take the risk.

And it's strange,

They are basically the same.

So I don't ask names anymore.

"Okay." I will have faith in his idea. In this crazy leap.

"Good." He purrs against my neck and teeth lightly nip at my jaw.

"We shouldn't do this just yet, though." I still the hand that is rediscovering the skin of my abdomen.

"Why not?"

I laugh at the disappointment in his posture. He is still the same man after all. But I don't think I'd love him any other way. He is honest in what he wants. A twinge in my head says this isn't a rebound. There is impatience in his words. There is truth.

"Because you haven't even asked if it's okay."

He frowns. "I thought it was implied."

"I need words, Inu-Yasha. I need your promise that this isn't just about you needing to satisfy some craving."

"But I do," he rumbles and presses another kiss to my lips.

"Inu-Yasha." I warn.

Sometimes I think this cycle never ends.

We slide from top to bottom and we turn and climb again.

"Shit, you're really paranoid." He complains and pulls back to scowl at me more clearly. I meet his glare with a challenge.

"Fine." He rolls his eyes and dips down to kiss me again. I hold my breath against the need filling me. Despite my high words, I'm really no better than he is. The realization makes me smile.

"So?"

"So, will you be with me, Kagome?"

"Just be with you?"

"Fuck, woman, do want a wedding ring or something?"

I laugh at the frustration in the line of his shoulders. His hands are trembling against my skin. They want to move, to taste again, but he's holding back. The thoughtful restraint is more promise than any words he might say. He was never very good with them, anyway.

And it seems by the time that I have figured what it's worth,

The squeaking of our skin against the steel has gotten worse.

He's offering me hand up. A quick tug up the pole I have been clinging to for so long. Maybe it's cheating, but he doesn't have my patience.

"I'll be with you."

"Thank god." He groans and collapses against me. I wriggle under him, pressing a hand against his chest to give my lungs room to expand.

"You're too heavy to do this." I remind him.

"Your fault. You've exhausted me already and we didn't even get to the good stuff."

"Poor you," I laugh and crush him to me. My heart is fluttering with a silly kind of joy. He teases the most brilliant emotions from me with some of his gruffest words. Maybe it's because I can hear the truth hidden in them.

The squeaking of our skin against the steel has gotten worse.

"I thought I'd have to wait so long for this," I confess and twine my fingers through his hair. It's almost completely dry now.

"You have too much patience."

"Don't say that like it's a bad thing. I need it to put up with you."

"Bitch." The curse is half hearted but I thump him on the head out of habit.

"Don't call me that. It's mean and degrading."

"Okay, bitch."

"Idiot."

The squeaking of our skin against the steel has gotten worse.

_________________________________________________________ __________________________________________

Can we see why I don't think he's OOC? I mean, they've already been in a heavy relationship before, so any shyness there has been tossed out the window. That, and Inu-Yasha has never minced words in the manga that I've seen. He pretty much tells Kagome straight out what's what when she corners him. Even if he's a bit confused about what he really wants. I think he is. I think that got filtered into this a little bit ::dodges a shoe:: Ok, so maybe a lot. So anyway… from what I've seen, he goes for what he wants when he thinks he wants it. And here he has already gotten over his Kikyo thing, so… But still, what a bastard, right? Hehehe. Kagome's too nice to him.

Feel free to let me know what you think.