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Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or any of the characters.... 'cept for Mr. Humongo-brows.... wonder if I could trade him for Naruto or Sasuke... or both!
Another chapter... and another load of brain cells off to the incinerator. Who needs brain cells when you can have manga? Um... thanks for the reviews everyone... they are lovely as always... I guess I'm going down the right track for this... not that that's easy to do... but hey... what do I know? You guys are still reading this... so it's a sign... enough of this blabbing... ON WITH THE SHOW!... er... FIC!
And many thanks to Shaq for beta-ing... here's a pack of fake eyebrows for your help.
Humongo-brows
He wondered if banging his head against the wall would end this god awful nightmare or at least knock him out so that he didn't have to endure this torture. It was unfair and pointless for him to be here. So what, if Naruto had no fashion sense; it had nothing to do with him. But somehow, Jiraiya had made it his business and now he was stuck here waiting for Lee to show up. Sending a malevolent glare in Naruto's direction, he sighed. What the hell did he do to deserve this?!
Training had ended all too soon because of Naruto's little shopping expedition. Jiraiya had decided to pack as much in as possible and had quite literally pummelled the blonde to the ground. Despite his amusement at seeing Naruto being beaten to a pulp, Sasuke himself didn't get much training done. He scowled. At this rate he would end up achieving nothing, let alone be able to kill his brother. His expression turned ominous.
"Oi moron," he muttered, crossing his arms over his chest.
Naruto stopped fidgeting and cocked his head to the side, the corners of his lips dipped. "I have a bloody name!" He shook his fist in frustration and the strap of Sasuke's black tank top slid down Naruto's shoulder.
Narrowing his eyes slightly, Sasuke unconsciously licked his lips. Shouldn't have agreed to let the idiot borrow that, he mused. After ripping the side seam, Naruto's T-shirt had decided it had had enough and quite literally committed suicide. It lay in pieces after ten minutes, and by the end of the session Sasuke had memorised every line and curve of Naruto's lithe torso.
He wouldn't have minded so much if Kakashi and Jiraiya didn't wink and give him sly looks every five minutes. In the end Sasuke had dragged Naruto back to his place, and grudgingly let the blonde rummage through his closet. Why Naruto had chosen this particular article of clothing instead of a T-shirt puzzled him, but Sasuke wasn't about to ask. And now, he had an angry blonde in a slightly loose tank top slipping off one shoulder, waving his fist and sending death glares his way. He heaved a sigh.
"Oi! You listening to me?" Naruto yelled, a hand coming up to put the misbehaving strap back in place. "Repeat after me! Na - ru - to!"
"I - di - ot." Sasuke's deadpan expression knocked Naruto's anger gauge up a few notches.
"I'll kill you!" Naruto growled, and launched himself at Sasuke, but was interrupted mid-leap.
"Naruto! Sorry I'm late." Lee ran up to the pair, his overly green body suit/leotard fuelled the minute throbs at Sasuke's temple. "Oh, Sasuke you're here too? Did you want to buy some clothes as well?"
"No." Sasuke inwardly shuddered at the image the question had conjured. "I'm here to baby-sit."
"Baby-sit?" Lee asked, confused. He looked over to Naruto for an explanation but only found the blonde waving his middle finger in Sasuke's direction, and he himself being dragged off by the arm.
"This is going to be one hell of a day," Sasuke growled, pushing himself away from the wall.
---
The shop, as it turned out, was nothing more than a crack between two larger clothing outlets. Multi-coloured spandex and aerobics tube socks littered the place, and Sasuke was having a hard time getting his eyes to accept the colour overload. If his retinas survived this, he was sure nothing could ever blind him. Beside him, Naruto stood stunned, gawking.
"This is..." Naruto's voice was barely audible.
"... hell on earth," Sasuke finished in a whisper.
There was a confused look, before Naruto launched himself head first into the fires of hell. Sasuke shook his head, and tried to block out the heated debate on whether Naruto should buy the standard leotard or the custom-made one.
"But Naruto, the custom-made one is so much better!" Lee gestured to his own green ensemble. "Both Gai-sensei and I wear it. It's very durable!"
"I know, but I need something to wear now. I don't want to go through Sasuke's closet again."
He ignored the comment and wondered whether it was time to drag Naruto out of the place or let the situation play out. Sasuke was told by Jiraiya that his 'precious student' must not get anything leotard-like, otherwise he was going to die a painful death. But right now, a painful death was better than listening to Lee go on about how free it felt wearing a leotard. Sasuke shuddered.
"It would only take a few days."
"But I need clothes now."
"Youth today, so impatient...." A voice chided from the back of the store.
All three teens turned to the source of the voice, Sasuke's and Naruto's jaws dropping while Lee bounded happily to greet the man behind the counter.
"This is Maito-san, Gai-sensei's father," Lee introduced proudly.
Lee might as well have said he was Gai's love child. The corners of Sasuke's eyes twitched. If Gai's eyebrows were huge then his father's were ginormous. No... gargantuan... no... something so much bigger, his mind just couldn't process what he saw. Normal, naturally shaped brows were replaced with abominable imitations of two bloated, hairy caterpillars. They squirmed and writhed and it was almost amusing watching the wrinkled eyelids struggle to lift with each blink.
He violently shook himself and tore his gaze away. It couldn't be possible to have those and not go insane with the urge to shave them off. Beside him, Naruto was completely speechless. It seemed the blonde was having more trouble wading through the shock than he did.
"Sas - " Naruto tried to form a coherent sentence, but failed miserably; his brain was ensnared by the twitching, wiggling mass of shaggy, grey hair.
"And this is Uzumaki Naruto and Uchiha Sasuke."
At the mention of his name Naruto shook himself out of his stupor, only to find his eyes going back to the eyebrows on their own accord. It was as if the brows had some sort of hold over him, like magic or some forbidden jutsu. Gai's father had magical eyebrows that could perform forbidden jutsus! He had to warn Sasuke.
"So what can I get for you people? Something dynamic to express your youthful personalities, yes?"
Naruto struggled to find his voice, opening and closing his mouth like a fish. Sasuke briefly wondered if the shock of seeing the fount of Gai's genes was the last straw for Naruto.
"Oh Maito-san, don't mind Naruto," the taijutsu specialist clapped his hands together in joy. "He's just overwhelmed to finally meet the father of such an extraordinary man!"
Extraordinary... was a nice way of putting it. Sasuke coughed discreetly and watched Lee launch into an explanation of what Naruto wanted; well, what Lee wanted Naruto to have.
"All right, let's get your measurements. Naruto-kun, you will never want to wear those unsightly clothes ever again!" Maito-san beamed, light pinging off his toothy-grin.
Naruto nodded numbly, trying to get his skin to stop crawling. Was this such a good idea? Did he want humongo-brows coming near him? But it seemed he didn't have a choice, because minutes later, Maito-san was jotting down numbers and muttering to himself.
"Lee, why don't you show Naruto-kun what we have. But I must say, you are rather... petite. Why when I was your age..."
Sasuke turned to hide his smile, and Lee coughed into his hand.
"You - " Naruto roared, red-faced.
"Come on, Naruto! This way!" Lee hastily dragged the boy to where rolls of fabric were being displayed. "Look!" Lee waved one of the samples in the blonde's face. "This stuff's great!" More waving.
There was an indignant huff, and Naruto tore his murderous gaze away from the old man and focussed on picking out something.
Leaning against the wall, Sasuke watched in quiet amusement. Petite... He smirked. Even after this many years, Naruto was still shorter than most, if not all, of his friends. Along side with being short, Naruto was also scrawny. Sasuke cocked his head to the side and studied Naruto's back. It almost seemed like Nature had stopped midway, backtracked, and decided to go down a whole new path during Naruto's growth; instead of a handsome and well built young man, Naruto looked vulnerable and fey-like. Talk about Nature screwing with you, Sasuke chortled.
He absently batted at the hand dragging something soft and smooth across his cheek. "What the hell do you think you're doing, moron?"
"Isn't it nice?" Naruto was bright-eyed and excited, the 'petite' comment forgotten.
"Hn." Sasuke shrugged nonchalantly. Maybe Nature did intend to make Naruto a girl...
Naruto rolled his eyes and turned back to Lee. "I'll have this. Now colour..." Tapping a finger to his lips, he scanned the colour range and stopping on orange.
Lee grinned. "Is orange your favourite colour? It compliments your eyes."
Naruto nodded distracted. "I miss my orange outfit..."
Sasuke snorted. "It also makes you look like a carrot," Sasuke said under his breath, evading a vicious jab to his ribs.
"Screw it. I'll have orange!" Naruto cheered, as Lee and Maito-san giving the thumbs up sign. "Pervert-senin can go to hell if he doesn't like it!"
"Are you seriously going through with this?" Sasuke asked cautiously.
Naruto looked at him in confusion. "Of course. I need clothes."
"Not that you idiot," Sasuke said with a sigh.
"Then what?"
"Forget it. Come on."
"Wha - ?" But Sasuke didn't wait for Naruto to finish and grabbed the flailing arms.
"Don't worry Naruto-kun, I'll make you an ultra good suit!" Maito-san exclaimed doing the 'nice-guy' pose.
Naruto found himself entranced until Sasuke yanked him out of the place. "What about Lee?"
"What about Lee?" Sasuke asked distractedly, dodging several people while marching down the street.
"We can't just leave him there with humongo-brows!"
"Humongo-brows?"
"Yeah! Whatchamawhozit-san! Those eyebrows are evil!" Naruto waved his arms about, ignoring Sasuke's you-are-out-of-your-mind look, "They perform some jutsu that entrances you!"
"I don't ever want to see you drunk, Naruto," and Sasuke meant every word. If over grown, out of control eyebrows could make Naruto like this, what would alcohol do?
"What?! Argh! I swear if he had normal eyebrows, he wouldn't have customers. They draw you in, and just when you thought you would get your clothes - BAM - they strike!"
At this point, Sasuke wasn't sure whether Naruto was talking about the eyebrows or some clever carnivorous plant. However, either one didn't bode well.
"I don't want a bloody custom-made one! I just want something to wear. Now!" Naruto yanked his arm free. "Or would you rather I frolic around in my skin?"
Sasuke was about to answer - honestly he was - but images flooded his mind before he could open his mouth. It wouldn't be such a bad idea, would it?
"You're actually thinking about this?!" Naruto managed to choke out, cheeks flaming.
"No!" Sasuke glared and turned his head to the side, trying to hide the pink tingeing his cheeks.
"I can't believe this!" Naruto crowed. "Uchiha, frickin', Sasuke wants to see me, me of all people, naked!"
To say that he wasn't surprised by the exclamation was a lie. He had expected Naruto to yell, scream, and promise bodily harm because he was being a pervert, but he hadn't counted on this. To make matters worse several dozen heads regarded them curiously. Growling, he grabbed a fistful of Naruto's top.
"Shut up!" he hissed.
"Admit it Uchiha, you want to see me naked!" Naruto singsonged, completely ignoring Sasuke's words.
He twitched and shook his blabbing soon-to-be-dead friend, but that didn't seem to deter Naruto. On the contrary it seemed to cause the "you want to see me nude!" exclamations to become louder and more shrill. More heads turned. Face already red, he fisted the black top and fled the gathering group of observers. He hoped Naruto would accidentally swallow his tongue and suffocate.
"Shut the fuck up! We'll get your bloody clothes! Just shut up!"
"Oh but that still doesn't clear up one itty-bitty fact." Naruto tapped the side of his head in thought, "Now... what was it?"
Sasuke gnashed his teeth together. He hated how the stupid idiot loved every single minute of this, gloating in the joy of irking him. He briefly entertained the thought of just throwing Naruto over his shoulder and carrying the blonde like a sack of potatoes into the market, but he quickly pushed that idea aside. It would look even worse than what Naruto was doing right now.
"Oh I remember! You want to see me naked!" Naruto shrieked.
Sasuke stiffened and glared at anyone who dared to look at them funny. The blonde ninja managed to twist himself out of Sasuke's death grip and smoothed a hand over his abused neck. He straightened and stared at the taller boy, wicked amusement dancing in his eyes.
"You know, Sasuke..." Naruto's voice was a sultry whisper.
Don't look! Don't you dare look! Sasuke's mind raged. But his head was already lifting. He had to make sure the fine line between reality and dream hadn't merged. His breath hitched. Naruto peered up at him through sooty lashes; Sasuke's stomach plummeted off a forty-storey building.
"All you have to do is ask..." One of the straps 'accidentally' slipped off a pale shoulder.
Blood gushed up his face. Sasuke did nothing but stare in disbelief as Naruto choked on his own laughter, walking towards the market.
-
With a deft sway of his hips, he bumped the front door shut and dropped the various shopping bags, along with a package that was left at his doorstep, onto the table. It had been a good day, overlooking the little incident at Humongo-brow's store, and he had managed to buy enough clothes and instant ramen to last for several months. He grinned in glee, sauntered into his kitchen, and boiled some water. Ramen sounded very good right now. Grabbing one of the older cup ramens from the cupboard, he opened it and dumped steaming water in as soon as the kettle started whistling.
Three minutes past with much anticipation. And now that the wait was over, he ripped the paper top off and breathed in the good, healthy aroma of ramen (never mind that it was a month past its expiration date). He purred and dug in. After a day of looking for clothes, carrying said clothes, and fighting off Humongo-brows' evil jutsus, ramen was a fine reward. He should have gone to Ichiraku, but he needed to go easy on his wallet after this spending spree. He took another absent slurp and looked thoughtfully at the array of clothing. There were a variety of coloured T-shirts and shirts, some even had his trademark spiral while others lay there looking dull and tame. Along with the spiral he had wanted a toad (one that resembled Gamabunta), but the stalls only had frogs and the piddly little things would have offended the boss; he didn't want to be trampled underfoot by a giant toad because of such a stupid thing. He continued to chomp down the noodles and disregarded the standard loose black slacks and mesh tops. Within the pile of clothes he uncovered a khaki-coloured denim jacket, nodded at it in approval, dumped it aside and fished out what he considered the best buy of the day. He would have hugged the orange three-quarter cargos close to his chest if he wasn't already hugging the cup ramen. He had missed his orange outfit and he still hated the old pervert for making him burn it. He sighed mournfully, but immediately perked up. Pervert or no pervert, no one was going to stop Uzumaki Naruto from wearing orange!
Smiling happily, he slurped up the remaining mouthfuls of ramen and drank the broth. His stomach satisfied and sated, he put the cup down and absently tapped the last package on the table with his chopsticks. Someone must have dropped it off while he was gone. But who...? Sasuke had left in a huff after his little display, so it couldn't be him. None of the others knew he was back yet, which eliminated the 'welcome back' present idea. So who could it be from? The pervert? Kakashi-sensei? Or Iruka-sensei? He had picked up his keys the other day; maybe he had left something else behind and Iruka-sensei decided to return it? It was a reasonable assumption but something told him that wasn't it.
He tapped his chin with his chopsticks and eyed the package. What could it be? Opening it wouldn't necessarily mean he was going to get bitten in the ass. What are you afraid of, Uzumaki? Certainly not a little package! He dropped the chopsticks and ripped it open. The corners of his lips lifted into a vulpine smile, never once noticing the small note drifting to the ground.
Author's note: all right.... that's it for now. And one question before I go... is it just me, or is the hee-ness (funniness in normal speech) rapidly draining away from this fic? Okie... I know I haven't replied to any reviews in the previous chapters... 'cos that's just how lazy I've become... but some of these are just too hee to not reply to.
Tracy-kin: how did I get this idea? Haha... should I say don't ask? Or would saying 'I'm a perverted person by nature... it comes naturally to me' sound better? No... makes me sound like watching porn is one of my hobbies... which, by the way, is not true. I'd be killed before I get anywhere near that stuff...
Haruya:okie... your question was rhetorical... -grins- but doesn't stop me from answering. I'm dumb, yes. Shaq stop smirking! Sasuke's getting into these horrendous situations because he has angered the fangirls... well... me and Shaq... and I'm sure there are plenty out there too. He beat the crap out of Naruto (I'm sorry if this spoilt it for people who haven't read that far into the manga), and left the poor boy! Outrage I tell you!!! Now he's paying the price!!! MWHAHAHAHA!!! Who said fangirls had no power!
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