Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ Eggman... on ICE!!! ❯ Eggman... on ICE!!! ( Chapter 1 )
Eggman... on ICE!!!
A triple team production by:
THE TRIPLE PEEPS
Apollo Alexandre, a.k.a. "Grand Master Shoma" (GMS)
Neusa Gaspar, a.k.a. "Judge Neusy"
Carlos Alexandre, a.k.a. "CMA" (CMA)
Judge Neusy: DISCLAIMER: Any characters mentioned in this story that are not the distinctive likenesses of anyone else--including, but not limited to, Sega, Sonic Team, Nintendo, Clamp, Nelvana, Namco, SNK, Capcom, Squaresoft, Disney, Arc System Works, Sammy, the people and companies behind the movie Grease, etc.--were created by us, and may not be used without our permission. All characters and distinctive likenesses not created by us are the property of their respective owners.
CMA: We highly recommend you read all our other fics (most importantly Cronies and Eggman Adventures) before reading this. Things will make... SLIGHTLY more sense. Not a lot, though... Also, we'd like to give out some special thanks to David Hackman (Majere/Supa Fly) for some very influential ideas he contributed to this fic.
Judge Neusy: Wanna hear some of our fics voice acted? Visit www.instantsonic.tk to hear Instant Sonic's voice acted takes on our stories.
14 days remain...
Eggman: Hello, good people, I am Dr. Eggman! And I want you to come to THE GREATEST SHOW ON EARTH! Better than that whore Jamie Salle and that pussy-whipped David Pelletier! This is EGGMAN... ON ICE!!!
[Cut away to a clip from the show. Eggman is skating around in a top hat, bow tie, sweat pants, and no shirt. Some hot female backup skaters are skating around too.]
Eggman: ♪♫ I am Dr. Eggman! ♪♫
Backup Skaters: ♪♫ He is Dr. Eggman! ♪♫
Eggman: ♪♫ EGGMAN! ♪♫
Backup Skaters: ♪♫ EGGMAN! ♪♫
Eggman [singing really fast]: ♪♫ DOCTORIVOROBOTNIKAKADOCTOR EGGMAN!!! ♪♫
[Back to the commercial]
Eggman: There's going to be lots of gliding across the ice, skating into the air, and so forth. With a special appearance from whoever the hell Knuckles's rap crew is!
[Cut away to a clip from the show. Knuckles's rap crew, dressed in baggy jeans, suggestive shirts, and baseball caps with Knuckles-style plastic dreads are skating and singing.]
Rap Band: ♪♫ Yo Yo Yo, we're the fighting freak Knuckles, and we on ICE! ♪♫
[Back to the commercial]
Eggman: If you want to see more if this, you're going to have to BEG! See EGGMAN... ON ICE!!! Coming soon to a fanfic near you! [shakes head in disgust] I think I've lost my touch. I hate advertising, now.
Announcer [catchy jingle]: ♪♫Pledge allegiance to Eggman!♪♫ <sparkle noise>
[Tails's house, where The Cronies are watching TV and have just seen the preceding commercial.]
Amy [confused look]: What's a... "fanned fic?"
Sonic [angry]: Stupid bitch, shut the hell up! I'm trying to watch [sees Eggman on the screen] AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! WHY IS HE EVERYWHERE I LOOK!?
Shadow: What are you talking about? The commercial's over and we're back to Bambi!
Tails [genuinely confused]: We were watching Bambi?
Knuckles [scratching his head]: Why is my rap crew there?
Rouge [losing it]: WHY IS EVERYONE ASKING QUESTIONS?
[Meanwhile, in Japan, at the Daidouji residence (MANSION more like it), Sakura, Tomoyo, Shaoron, and Meilin have also just seen the Eggman on Ice commercial.]
Shaoron [after a moment of silence]: ... You know, Sakura, we're going to be invited to that.
Sakura: I bet that Eggman-kun's already sent the invitations express to our houses.
Tomoyo [death glare at the TV]: I still don't like you, Eggy-chan...
[Suddenly, Eriol magically appears in front of the refrigerator and grabs a carton of milk.]
Eriol: I hope you don't mind, but I'm out of milk and I have no money.
Shaoron [angry]: GET THE HELL OUT!
Eriol: I'm gone. [magically disappears]
[Southtown. Geese Tower, 60th floor. Geese is relaxing tonight, watching TV with... Terry Bogard? Hey, it could happen!]
Geese [kinda confused]: Eggman on Ice? I MUST see this show and maintain my highly cultured reputation! [to Terry] Hey, Bogard! Get some mo' beer!
Terry [annoyed]: The beer is on the 49th floor! YOU get it!
Geese [suddenly stands up and breaks a table]: I'LL KILL YOU!!!
[Terry and Geese suddenly start fighting to the death, tossing about Power Geysers and Raging Storms like nobody's business.]
Geese [with Terry in headlock]: A moment, Terry. [calls out] HEY ROCK! WANNA GO SEE AN ICE SHOW?
Rock [from outside the room; by the way, this is teenage Rock, and we don't care if it doesn't make sense]: NO!!!
Geese: WELL TOUGH SHIT, PUNK, YOU'RE GOING ANYWAY!
Rock [from outside the room]: SOMETIMES I HATE YOU!!!
Geese: AND BRING THAT BLUE-HAIRED CUTE GIRLFRIEND OF YOURS, TOO!!! [to Terry, who's still in a headlock] I tell you, kids these days--
Terry: Can you let go of me--
Geese [subtly interrupting]: No.
[Jam's restaurant. It's closed and the only people there right now are Jam and Ky, and they just saw the Eggman on Ice commercial.]
Ky [blushing because he likes Jam but is shy]: Eggman? He used to serve in the Order. He holds the mythical blade Egg-seal.
Jam [likes Ky, but doesn't hide it, causing him to blush further]: You know Eggman? He visits the restaurant when he's in town.
Ky: That doesn't surprise me. Eggman seems to know everyone in existence.
Jam [getting excited]: Aiya! Think we'll get invites?
Ky [sipping his drink]: I think so.
Random Person A [suddenly appears; loud voice (read Cronies)]: WOW, THIS PLACE IS SO TASTY! AND YOU TWO MAKE SUCH A LOVELY COUPLE!
[Blood starts trickling from Ky's nose and he slowly passes out.]
Jam [to Random Person A]: I THINK SO TOO!!!
[Pop-Star. Kirby's yellow house. Kirby is trying to relax, but Meta Knight's goons are staying there and they won't leave for some reason.]
Kirby [annoyed]: Why aren't you people leaving yet!?
Meta-Axe [very bad mix of French and English accents]: Frankly, Kirby, your TV has my favorite Pay-TV channels available! Refer!
Meta-Chain [very bad mix of Russian and German accents; holding a marigold]: I think I've invented a new half-breed plant, a mix of da roses an' tulips! I call it a Rulip!
Kirby: That isn't a rose NOR a tulip! That's a marigold! One of MY marigolds!
Meta-Chain: YOU CANNOT PROVE IT IS YOURS!
Meta-Lance [very bad Australian accent]: Actually, mate, I saw you stealing Kirby's marigolds! In fact, he saw you stealing it as well!
Meta-Chain [angry; lunges at Meta-Lance]: I DO NOT LIKE YOU!!! [strangling Meta-Lance with chain]
[Suddenly, Eggman's Eggman on Ice commercial comes on. Kirby and Meta Knight's goons see it.]
Kirby: Good. Eggman will probably invite me, and then I can get the hell away from [points] all of YOU!!! In fact, let's end this right now! [pulls out the cellphone Eggman left him; dials up Meta Knight] Meta Knight!? Get your damn goons out of my house!
Meta Knight [standing behind Kirby]: Goons in the what now?
Kirby [jumps; turns around]: Ah! Why are you here!?
Meta Knight [as he speaks, a Spanish guitar riff like thing plays, like in Kirby Super Star]: Honestly, I'm just really bored. Eggman destroyed my ship, so I can't try taking over Dream Land anytime soon. And King Dedede hasn't hired me for anything lately. [Changes topic; music stops] Anyway, have you seen that Kirby anime? You're, like, a pansy in that!
Kirby [shaking head]: Don't even mention it.
Meta-Chain: Dah, and the boss sounds like me!
Meta Knight: Yeah, what's up with that?
[Eggman's Pad. Eggman is sealing invitations into Eggman-face-shaped-sealed envelopes.]
Eggman: Hmmm... who am I inviting? I need performers, so, Sonic and company, along with some others will get special "backstage passes," hehehe... Hmmm... being popular amongst the youth of Southtown would be nice... And who can forget Davis Motomiya and his sexy sister! Oh, and... [keeps talking]
10 days remain...
[Some time passes since the commercial, and various people are invited to see the premier of Eggman on Ice. Many are invited. Let's take a look at some of their reactions...]
[Bowser's palace. Bowser is opening up an envelope with an Eggman-face-shaped seal.]
Bowser [pulls out the invite inside]: Eggman on Ice, eh? You old dog, you finally went through with it! And that means... [angry] I owe you five bucks, you fat bastard. Well, I'm off! [to Mario] YOU STILL HERE? I'M LEAVING, HAVE FUN!
Mario [trying desperately to reach Peach, who's tied up over a pit of lava]: What? You can't-a leave yet! I can't-a reach her-- [falls over trying to reach Peach] WAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH--
[Did Mario make it? Eh, we'll find out later!]
[ACROSS secret headquarters below the city of F. Il Palazzo is sitting on his throne, bored out of his freaking mind.]
Il Palazzo [sighing]: I need a pick me up.
Excel [running into the room; speaking at approximately 180 words/minute]: YourmightyrulinessIlPalazzo! Excelbringsyouaninvitationofgreatimportance!
Il Palazzo: Give me that. [takes the Eggman-sealed envelope from Excel] Oh, and, Excel? You're dismissed. [pulls on the rope that opens the trap door that sends Excel plummeting to a watery hell below]
Excel [voice fading]: THANKYOUlordIlPalazzo... [splash noise]
Il Palazzo [reading]: Hmm, let's see... EGGMAN ON ICE!? That fat bastard, he won the bet! Hmm, who shall I bring with me? I think... Hyatt. But if I bring Hyatt, I somehow have to bring along Excel. But if I bring Excel, she'll bring Agent Menchi, whom Eggman might make a robot out of... I think I'll bring... [points] YOU.
Pedro [somehow there]: PEDRO DOES NOT KNOW WHY HE IS HERE!
Il Palazzo: Whatever, get ready.
[Meanwhile, on a Japanese city street, Akuma is standing on a not too busy street corner, reading his Eggman-envelope invitation.]
Akuma [low, breathless voice]: So, this is the path you took, Eggman. I remember you from... high school. I was a social recluse, and you taught me how to open up. Then, I made a friend. But, then, I killed that friend. And killed my brother. ... I think I'll go to Eggman on Ice, at least to say hello.
Batsu [loud, obnoxious voice; pointing at Akuma]: HEY, YOU! AKUMA! I CHALLENGE YOU TO A STREET FIGHT!!! IT'S ME@KICKINGYOURASS.COM, BABY!!! YEAH, BURNAGE!!!
Akuma [confused and irritated]: Burnage?
[Two full seconds later...]
[Akuma is walking away, leaving a bloody, bruised, beat-up Batsu convulsing on the ground.]
Batsu [still loud and annoying for some reason]: WOW, THAT WAS SO COOL!
Kyosuke [walks by, kneels by the broken Batsu]: My friend, you MUST stop these random challenges! You're running out of blood, and I don't know how much Hinata can keep giving you!
Batsu [on his knees; slowly getting up]: PISH-POSH! I'M AS YOUNG AS I'LL EVER BE, CUZ!
Kyosuke: What does that even mean!?
Batsu: WHO CARES!? [points to a blonde chick] HEY, YOU!!! CHALLENGE ME, YOU FAT ASS WHORE!!!
Samus [the blonde chick]: Boy, you should REALLY listen to your friend.
[ANOTHER two full seconds later...]
[Batsu is hanging off a tree branch by the elastic of his boxers. His boxers are the only clothing he has left; the rest was hideously destroyed.]
Kyosuke [trying to get him down]: I pity you, Batsu. She didn't even have her armor on.
Captain Falcon [walking by]: Heh heh heh, you called Samus a whore, didn't you? And it looks like you were fighting Akuma before that! Heh, you disrespectful youth these days! I love it! [sees Samus walking off] HEY, HOT ASS, WAIT UP!!!
Batsu [dazed]: Wha... huh... muh...?
Captain Falcon [catching up to Samus]: Hey, babe-face! [flashes his two Eggman on Ice tickets] What say we take in this ice show so we can make out like hot animal squirrels? [gets punched; re-aligns his jaw] C'mon! I'll keep the ass-grabbing to a, um, maximum! [sly voice] Be unique and different; just say YES!
[Yet ANOTHER two full seconds later...]
[Captain Falcon is embedded in the same tree Batsu's still in.]
Samus [flashes her own two Eggman on Ice tickets]: Falcon, I'll trust I WON'T see you there. [to Kyosuke] Hey, kid, you seem polite enough. Want to see this ice show with me?
Batsu [still on tree]: You won't leave me, right, cousin o' mine? [sees Kyosuke already by Samus] Oooh...
Captain Falcon: Man, what a woman! I can tell she totally wants to have mad passionate sex with me!
Batsu: Hinata won't give me some...
Captain Falcon: Won't give you some, eh? Hmmm... [starts rubbing chin in thought]
[What's Captain Falcon thinking? Maybe you'll see... later...]
[Inside Sephiroth: Tailor of Death...]
Cloud [walks in]: Sephiroth? Aren't you dead?
Sephiroth [concentrating on sewing]: Nope.
Aeris: Hi, there! Would you like a hot dog?
Cloud [all sentimental; near tears]: Aeris? I thought you were dead! We all missed you! Tifa and Yuffie the most, for some reason!
Aeris [poking Sephiroth's face]: Well, Cloud, after we died, Sephy wasn't crazy as much, and took our souls to... wherever here is! Isn't that right, Sephy?
Sephy [brushing away Aeris's finger]: Aeris, not in front of Cloud the Cross-Dresser!
Aeris: Cloud, you wanna come with Sephy 'n' me to Eggman on Ice?
Cloud: Did you say Eggman? I owe that guy one! Let's go!
[Roy (from Super Smash Bros. Melee) is taking pictures (with his handy travel camera) of the Southtown park.]
Roy [fascinated voice]: Wow, what magnificent oaks! The splendor of nature--.
Geese [walks by, along with Terry, Rock, and Hotaru]: ROY!!! You devil, where've you been?
Roy [confused]: Where have I been? Who might you be, good sir?
Geese [chuckles]: Heh, heh, always the joker, eh, Roy? [gives Roy a hug; pats Roy's back and secretly takes five dollars from him]
Roy [still looking confused]: Um, did you just take five dollars from me?
Geese [suddenly serious]: I own that tree.
Roy [turns around; sees "Geese's Tree" badly scribbled on the oak]: Oh. Fair enough.
Geese: Anyway, I got a shit load of Eggman on Ice tickets! Whaddaya say, Roy ol' boy? For ol' times sake?
Roy [still confused]: Um, I GUESS it's alright, but I have an Eggman on Ice ticket already, and I still don't know you--
Rock [offers his ticket to Roy]: You can have ANOTHER ticket--
Geese: ROCK! [slaps Rock in the back of the head] You're going with us so you won't skip school anymore!
Rock [freaking out]: I DON'T SKIP SCHOOL! I GET STRAIGHT A'S ALL THE TIME! I'M THE SMARTEST, MOST ATHLETIC STUDENT IN THIS TOWN! I'M A MODEL YOUNG PERSON! WHY DO YOU HATE ME?
Geese: Wait, you're right! Well, it's for ME skipping school then! AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO ME! I'M A BUM ON THE STREET!
Rock [losing it]: NO YOU'RE NOT! YOU OWN THIS CITY! ALL OF IT! EVEN THE SQUIRRELS!
Geese [thinking]: Hey, you're right! After I skipped school, I bought this two-bit town and killed some Bogard guy!
Terry [sad]: THAT WAS MY DAD!
Geese [blowing it off]: Oh, go on to the arcade and challenge some kids!
Terry [near tears]: THAT'S THE ONLY WAY I LIVE! [runs off crying]
Hotaru [shy, timid voice]: Um, Mr. Howard? ... You're evil.
Geese [hearty laugh; pats Hotaru's head]: HA HA HA, you'll make a fine mother for my son's children!
Rock [wide-eyed; three shades of red]: DAD!!!
Roy [to himself]: Even with all this information leaking out, I still have no clue who these people are! [happy] But they seem quirky! I'll tag along for now!
[Gedo High School...]
[Akira pulls out a few envelopes from her bag. She's visiting Gedo and grabbed her mail in a hurry. Amongst the envelopes is one with Eggman's face insignia on it.]
Akira [gasps]: Eggman? It's been so long! [holds envelope to her chest] I still remember when he used to baby-sit me! Sure, he always tried to take over the world, but he was so nice on the inside! ... He made me cookies!
Edge: Cookies in the what, now?
Akira: Oh, Edge! How's things?
Edge [shrugging, but also trying to impress Akira, who he's madly in love with]: How am I to know? I'm just a knife wielding maniac! [realizes what he just said and slaps his forehead] DAMMIT!!!
Gan: And I'm just overweight and under-liked!
Akira: Um, anyway, I came to see how things are here, but I think... [reviews the Eggman invite] ...I'm going to America for a while to see the premier of Eggman on Ice!
Edge [eyes light up]: Eggman!? DOCTOR Eggman!? Wow!!! I idolize that egg-man!!! How many tickets did you get!? Can I come, too?
Gan: I also idolize Eggman, the same way my good friends Sakura (Kinomoto) and Shaoron (Li) idolize Yukito! [waves] HI YUKITO!
Yukito [ALSO visiting Gedo; happy and cheery; charms all three of them]: Hi, Gan!
Gan [giggling]: Hehe, he said "hi" to me!
Akira [slightly dazed]: He's very charming, isn't he?
Edge [ditto]: He's pretty handsome for a dude! [does his "Edge laugh," then realized what he said] DAMMIT!!! EDGE, DON'T YOU EVER LEARN!?
Akira: Learn what, Edge?
Edge [blushing]: Um, nothing...
[Inferia. Farah's house. She just opened her talking Eggman on Ice invitation (hers is the only one that talks, by the way)]
Invite [Eggman's voice; speaking quickly]: Farah Farah Farah Farah Farah Farah come to Eggman on Ice Farah Farah Farah Farah Farah you're living a lie Farah Farah Farah Farah Farah Farah Reid should fuck you Farah Farah Farah Farah--
[At this point, Farah uses her Maximum Force (Hyper Triple Chi) in an attempt to destroy the invite. She takes out half of her house. The invite survives, and is still talking.]
Invite: Farah Farah Farah Farah Farah bring Reid and some friends Farah Farah Farah Farah am I annoying you Farah Farah Farah Farah--
[Farah steps on the invite, which prompts it to say "NO!" in Eggman's voice before its voice mechanism fails.]
Farah [eerily happy]: I'm going to go see Eggman on Ice! Then, I am going to KILL Eggman! I'll put him... ON ICE!!! [starts laughing maniacally]
7 days remain...
[A local ice rink/stadium. Eggman bursts in with guns drawn.]
Eggman [yelling maniacally]: OKAY! HOCKEY PRACTICE IS OVER, BOOYYYZZZ!!!
Little Girls' Hockey Team: But we're girls--
[The little girls start screaming as Eggman fires randomly upward (NOT at the girls, that would be cruel). Eggman thought ahead, and fired rounds that didn't reach the stadium's roof, so no collateral damage! The little girls scream and run off.]
Eggman [looking around]: This is PERFECT! The skating version of my life story couldn't possibly happen in a more fitting arena! ... I'm tearing this place down and making it bigger!
[The repaired Halberd has just landed on Earth. They were following Kirby's Warp Star, because they wouldn't let Kirby onto the ship. Meta Knight and goons leave the ship and meet with Kirby, who looks a little angry.]
Kirby [angry]: Why couldn't you guys let me on your ship? It was freezing!
Meta-Axe [French/English goon]: You're not allowed on our ship, Kirby! Refer!
Meta-Chain [German/Russian goon]: STOP SAYING "REFER!" [tries killing Meta Axe with his mace]
Meta Knight [holding onto Chain, trying to calm him down]: Whoa, calm down, there, Chain. Stop killing your fellow goons! [to Kirby] I need new goons...
Meta-Lance [Australian goon]: Um, we heard ya, mate!
Meta Knight: I know--
Aeris [suddenly looming above Kirby and the Meta gang]: Hey, little heads with hands and feet! They're so cute!
Meta-Lance: Crikey! You're a bleemin' giant!
Kirby: We're only about the size of their headsAAH-- [gets snatched up, along with Meta Knight's goons, into Aeris's arms]
Aeris [to Sephiroth, who also suddenly appears with Cloud]: Sephy, Sephy, look! Can I keep them!? The pink one matches me!
Meta-Chain [to Meta Knight; struggling to break free]: Help us, sir!
Meta Knight [death glare to Sephiroth]: ... It's been a while, Sephiroth.
Sephiroth: Indeed, Meta Knight. [pulls out Masamune] But now, you DIE!!!
[Sephiroth and Meta Knight start to duel. Because of the fact that Sephiroth is like eight times Meta Knight's size, and Sephiroth's blade is about the same height as Sephiroth himself, the fight looks very odd as the relatively puny Meta Knight parries the Masamune and tries to counter. During the middle of the fight, however...]
Aeris [screaming]: OHMYGOD!!!
Sephiroth [turns to Aeris]: What's going on!?
Meta Knight [also turns]: What seems to be the prob--oh, no...
Cloud [turns; sounds annoyed; flails arms up in defeat]: Oh for the LOVE of--
Aeris [squealing]: AREN'T THEY CUTE!!?
[Kirby has a pretty red bow on his head, but looks very unenthused. Meta-Chain is in a frilly pink dress, Meta-Axe is wearing a tiara, and Meta-Lance has a prim and proper bow tie.]
Meta-Lance: Actually, I think I'm the only one here who can maintain their dignity, mate!
Kirby [annoyed]: Quiet, you!
Meta-Chain: I'M A PRETTY PRINCESS GOON!!! DAAAAAAAAAH!!!
3 days remain...
[Akuma has just arrived at Station Square somehow. He's about to check into a hotel, when suddenly a huge beast-dragon type thing descends and blows wind all about. Akuma stands his ground.]
Akuma: That's TEN things, no pun intended, that have tried to kill me today.
[Suddenly, from atop the beast-dragon thing...]
Davis [from Digimon; squeals when he speaks; as giddy as Aeris (almost); really, really dumb]: HI, AKUMA!!!
Akuma [holding forehead in hand]: Oh, dear GOD no, not Davis again...
Davis [still atop the beast, who is Imperialdramon]: HEY, AKUMA!!! WANNA GO SEE EGGMAN ON ICE WITH US? JOIN ME AND MY CREW!!!
Tai [also riding on Imperialdramon; annoyed]: Davis, enough! You have to stop saying "hi" to everyone we meet from up here, especially Akuma! Remember what he did to poor Joe?
Imperialdramon: Even I'M afraid of Akuma!
Akuma: You damn well better be! But I'm not in a killing mood, today. I have my own Eggman on Ice ticket, thanks. Now be on your way!
Davis [hops off of Imperialdramon]: Oh, c'mon, Akuma! Turn that frown upside--
Akuma [preparing a super move]: Messatsu--
Matt [on Imperialdramon]: FLY! FLY!!! [Imperialdramon flies away, leaving Davis to die]
Davis [not realizing the situation he's in; waving]: BYE!!! ... wait a minute--
Akuma [stops the move]: ... Fine, Davis, you can stay in my room tonight. [low, serious, deadly tone] But if you annoy me, even for a second, thy spirit shan't--
Davis [annoyingly interrupting; flails his arms in the air]: I CALL FIRST BEDSIES!!! [runs past Akuma into the hotel]
Akuma: ... Shit.
[In an alley somewhere, Hotsuma (the new Shinobi) and Death: Beyond the Grave (Grave for short; he's from Gungrave) are having a very, um, intriguing conversation.]
Hotsuma [low voice]: So, Grave, how's things?
[Grave says nothing.]
Hotsuma: You got your Eggman on Ice ticket yet?
[Grave says nothing, but holds up two Eggman on Ice tickets.]
Hotsuma: You taking that Mika girl with the hot legs with you?
[Grave says nothing, but nods.]
Hotsuma: Are you saying "yes" to taking her to Eggman on Ice or "yes" to her having hot legs?
[Grave says nothing, but nods.]
Hotsuma: Yeah, I knew it was the legs.
[Juki and Shade (if you know the Triple Peeps, you know who these two Chao are) walk by.]
Juki [happy; cute]: Hi, Hotsuma! Can me and Shade come with you to Uncy Eggy on Ice?
Shade [happy; cute]: Yeah, we got tickets!
Juki: Wow, Hotsuma's a ninja!
Shade: I'm a ninja too!
Juki: No you're not!
Shade [angry]: No I'm NOT!!! [tackles and starts comically fighting with Juki]
Hotsuma [observing the Chao]: Looks like we're stuck with them.
[Grave says nothing, but nods.]
Hotsuma [picks up the two Chao and puts one on each of Grave's shoulders]: Let's go, everyone!
[Grave says nothing, but nods. He secretly likes cute things.]
Juki: Thank you!
Shade: You're a nice undead man!
[Several days before the big event, Eggman is... sitting at home on his ass, doing nothing. We should let you know that he hasn't started the script yet. At ALL. The stadium is ready, the invites all sent out, ads are EVERYWHERE, and he's even been contacted by several of his friends (like Bowser and Il Palazzo) who are staying at Station Square's hotel for the event, but NO SCRIPT!]
Eggman [lazily sprawled on his sofa]: Oh, fuck! I have to get to that script! IT'S A LIVE FIVE-HOUR SHOW!!! WHAT AM I THINKING!? I'M RUINED!!!
[Suddenly, Sora (from Kingdom Hearts, NOT Digimon) appears in Eggman's living room holding the Keyblade.]
Sora [looks around, confused]: Where'd Donald and Goofy go?
Eggman [indifferent and mean]: Fuck if I know!!!
Sora [taken back a bit]: Um, where's the keyhole for this world?
Eggman [being a jackass]: My apartment? Door's to your right. Don't let it cripple you on the way out. [grabs a spare Eggman on Ice ticket] Here, kid, see my show. Now leave.
[Sora leaves after grabbing the ticket.]
Eggman: Back to the script! [Goes back to lazing on the sofa]
[Fourteen hours later...]
Eggman [hasn't switched position; unshaven]: I am so screwed. ... [light bulb appears over Eggman's head; Eggman breaks it] Of course!!!
24 hours remain...
[Akuma's hotel room...]
Akuma [notices bubbles coming out of the bathroom]: What the fuck?
[Akuma opens the door to find Davis taking a bubble bath with a) FAR too much bubble bath solution and b) a rubber ducky and a little battleship.]
Akuma [disgusted]: Dear... lord--
Davis [happy and squealing as usual]: HIYA! [shows off a ducky] He's the Captain! ... [shows off the battleship] Of the Battleship!
Akuma [grabs the ducky away]: This is what I think of your ducky! [Akuma squeezes as the ducky makes a squeak noise, then opens his palm to find it just snaps back to its original shape. Akuma, starting to lose it, rips the ducky in half.]
Davis [slightly sad]: Aw, you killed the captain! ... But that's okay! [Giddy again; salutes] Captain DAVIS is here! [Starts splashing water everywhere with his arms as he makes stupid noises] POW! BAM! SWSH! WHOOO!!! BEEP BEEP BEEP!!!
Akuma [shakes head]: God, kill me now.
Davis: But you have so much to live for! [offers some suds] Want some bubbles?
[A few moments later, Davis (wearing nothing but a towel covering his, um, manhood) is running through the hotel halls, with Akuma in hot pursuit.]
Davis [panicking]: FINE, AKUMA, NEXT TIME, YOU'RE CAPTAIN!!!
Akuma: WHY DON'T YOU DIE!? STOP MOVING SO I CAN KILL YOU!!!
[Davis keeps running as he dodges the occasional Messatsu Gou Hadou and Tenma Gou Zankuu. Eventually, he loses Akuma and runs into none other than Sakura Kinomoto, just about to enter her own hotel room.]
Sakura [a little stunned because of Davis's towel]: Um, Davis! Um, hi--
Davis [happy]: HEY, IT'S YOU AGAIN! [turns on "pick-up voice"] How YOU doin'?
Sakura: Um, you're only wearing a towel--
Davis [interrupting; still sly]: So you noticed I'm only wearing a towel!
Shaoron [appears suddenly from behind Sakura]: Davis, I would kill you, but I think the man down the hall is about to!
Davis [turns around, sees Akuma about to shoot energy at our unsuspecting season 02 hero]: YIPES!!! CALL ME, BABE! [runs off, with a Gou Hadou in hot pursuit]
Shaoron [greeting Akuma as he runs by; bows]: Akuma.
Akuma [bowing slightly]: Shaoron.
Sakura: It's like everybody everywhere knows each other--
Bowser [yup, suddenly appears in the hotel hall]: Hey, you're Sakura, right?
Sakura [anime sweat drop; kind of scared]: Um, yes... who are you?
Bowser: I saw you at the house party Eggman threw... at your house. [offers his hand] I'm Bowser! Eggman's said many good things about you!
Il Palazzo [from behind Bowser]: Indeed. I am Il Palazzo, leader of the secret ideological organization of ACRO--um, er, a shopkeeper. Yes, I covered that up well.
Bowser [shaking hands with Sakura]: She heard ya, dude.
Il Palazzo [calmly]: ...Shit.
Pedro [Pedro's voice]: NOBODY HELPS PEDRO!!!
Sakura [stunned]: Mr. Pedro, is that you?
Pedro: Huh? Sakura? SAKURA!!! PLEASE, USE YOUR MAGIC TO BRING ME BACK TO MY SON SANDORA AND MY SEXY WIFE!!!
Sakura: I'd like to repay you for the time you helped me capture the Fly card, but I can't resurrect you, Mr. Pedro. I'm sorry. Although--
Pedro: NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! [gets Judo chopped in the back of the neck by Bowser]
Bowser: That ought to shut 'im up.
Sakura: Before I was interrupted, I was going to ask how he could possibly be dead if we can see him and hear him and stuff...
Il Palazzo [carrying Pedro]: Yes, the world is strange and the ignorant masses must be taught a lesson.
Sakura: By a shopkeeper?
Il Palazzo: ...Yes.
[Meanwhile, back at the bubble bath, the ripped rubber ducky...is back together? And... angry!?]
[In his hotel room, Ky is resting on his bed, looking at the ceiling. He's slightly worried because his hotel room has only one bed. It's a rather spacious bed, mind you, but Ky's the shy type, you see, and, well, Jam isn't. So Ky decides...]
Ky [thinking out loud]: I think I'll sleep on the armchair.
Jam [coming out of the bathroom wearing a rather... skimpy little evening gown]: What was that, Ky? I didn't hear you because I just came out of my rather hot and steamy shower.
Ky [turning seventeen different shades of red; his voice suddenly sounds like he's in the middle of puberty]: UM, I GOTTA SHOWER NOW! [runs past Jam like greased lightning]
Jam [happy; blushing slightly, as she likes Ky and knows what she's doing to him]: Okay! Hurry up to bed after! You can be my blanket! Tee hee!
Ky [from inside the bathroom]: Dear god...
[After showering/sorting through his thoughts, Ky dries up, then realizes he forgot his change of clothes beside the bed. Muttering a slight curse under his breath, then cursing when he realized he cursed, then saying "darn," he wrapped a towel around his down-there area (what's with the towels in this fic?) and quietly opened the door to find that... Jam was standing up, looking through the night tables. Like a ninja, Ky dashed at his bag, grabbed it, then skillfully--]
Jam [appearing beside him]: Hey, you! Cute towel!
[Ky, shocked like hell that a) she suddenly appeared beside him and b) she was so close to him with little more than a thin layer of fabric between his skin and hers, lost his concentration and fell on top of her. They're now on the bed, Jam on the bottom, laughing, and Ky on top, unable to move out of MORTAL FEAR.]
Ky [wide-eyed; trying hard not to look at Jam, but failing]: Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod, I'msosorry!
Jam [smiling seductively; pretending to pout]: Awww, how come?
[Suddenly, who should burst through the door but the hotel bellhop... Supa Fly, aka Majere? (SHAMELESS PLUG: Majere's a fanfiction.net author in our special thanks and our friend since like, forever; go read his stuff.)]
Supa Fly [half-Cartman; half-wannabe-hipster]: Whoa, Supa Fly shouldn't be seein' this! There's some hot 'n' heavy action heeyah! [pulls out a DO NOT DISTURB door handle thingy and hangs it] Now, Supa Fly ain't wantin' you disturbin' this here Do Not Disturb sign!
Ky [still cherry-red]: Um, we won't be needing that--
Supa Fly [interrupting]: Sure, whatever, Supa Fly doesn't care! Now you kids have fun, or Supa Fly'll be kickin' asses to and fro'! Now, Supa Fly has to deliver this champagne to a giant turtle! Chill! Get it? [leaves; closing the door behind him]
[Ky looks down to Jam; he's still in shock. Jam smiles back.]
Jam [slightly seductive]: Now you're not going to let that sign go to waste, are you?
[What happens next? Sorry, but we've got a scene change here!]
12 hours remain...
[The big day has finally arrived, and Eggman is being interviewed outside the re-built stadium--being shown live on television for some reason, by the way--by none other than Ran Hibiki of Rival Schools infamy. Her supposed brother--but maybe not--Dan Hibiki is the cameraman.]
Ran [being her normal, opportunistic, energetic, happy-go-lucky self]: Eggman, the myth, the legend! Soon this famous doctor's life story will be shown in this gripping skating twirling narrative of an ice show! We are fortunate today to be able to interview, one on one, the rotund one himself! [to Eggman] Thank you for your time, Dr. Eggman.
Eggman: Please, call me Dr. Eggman. And take back the "rotund" remark.
Ran [mentally perturbed, but not showing it]: Eggman--may I call you Eggman?
Eggman: Whatever turns you on, sweet cheeks.
Ran [looks confused for a moment]: Um, anyway, there's a ton of questions that the average Joe has wanted to ask you, Eggman. First, how old are you?
Eggman: Next question.
Ran: Are you Russian?
Eggman: That's a lie and you know it!
Ran: What do you use on your mustache?
Eggman: Mustache? [feels his mustache with his fingers] OH, this thing... Next question.
Ran: Were you popular in school?
Eggman: Yes, actually! [pulls out yearbook] This was me! [Shows a picture of a really handsome, well-built young man with orange hair and pitch black sunglasses.]
Ran [drooling a bit]: Um, that's not you!
Eggman: Look at the name, honey muffin. [The camera pans in to see the text under the photo: Valedictorian, star athlete, and all-around decent role model for our children, Dr. Ivo "Eggman" Robotnik.]
Ran [still in disbelief]: You were a doctor in high school!?
Eggman: Next question.
Ran: Um, why the name "Eggman?"
Eggman: I like eggs. Don't you? Next question.
Ran: So where did you get the inspiration for Eggman on Ice?
Eggman [getting contemplative]: Well, thunder thighs [NOTE: Ran isn't at all fat], I was sitting in the park one day watching some birdies eat. As I rained blows down upon them, I sez to myself, "Ivo, why the hell isn't there an ice show about your life yet, you sexy bitch?" Six months later, while eating some fat, I decided to do it!
Ran: Very rarely do we see the subject of an ice show play himself. Eggman on Ice will be about your life story then, right?
Eggman [almost laughing]: Fuck that! I'm just going to do random shit on ice and pass it off as my life! Many people will pop up, playing themselves just like me!
Ran: Really? Like who?
Eggman: That will be a surprise--
Dan [pointing the camera so the lens faces him]: SAIKYO-RYUU STYLE RUUUUUUUUUUULLLLLEESS!!!
Eggman [to Ran; again, Ran's not fat in the least]: A question for you, chubs. Are you two actually related?
Ran: We honestly don't know.
Sonic [with friends/Cronies; walks up to Eggman]: Okay, Eggman, why'd we need to be here six hours early?
Eggman: Good, Sonic, you're here! Get inside: you, Tails, Knuckles, Shadow, Rouge, Amy, and fat-ass Ran here are my main actors/skaters!
Sonic: Fine, whatever--[realizes what was said]: WWWWWWWWHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!?
Eggman [laughing]: Yeah, I guess I should have told you or something, eh? HAHAHAHA! [dead serious] I hope you can all skate.
Amy [raising hand]: Um, I can't skate--
Eggman [commander voice]: Tails, teach Amy how to skate.
Tails [knowing that this presents the chance for Tails to look up Amy's dress several times as she stumbled]: Yes, sir! C'mon, Amy, let's go!
Shadow [oblivious]: I'll help too!
Knuckles [with rap crew]: We'll supervise and chaperone and such.
[Tails gives Shadow and Knuckles the Glare of Death (tm).]
Sonic: Eggman, before we're forced to embarrass ourselves, and not protest simply because we're bored and really have nothing BETTER to do than skate in your ice show, I have a question.
Eggman: Next question.
Sonic: You seem to know everyone in existence, Eggman. Are you like Nabeshin or something?
Eggman [very confused]: ... What's a Nabeshin?
Sonic [thinking]: Hmm, I see... [calling] HEY, NABESHIN, GET OVER HERE!
Nabeshin [appearing from out of a bush in all his afro glory; smooth talker, and quite charismatic (if you don't know, he's from Excel Saga)]: Yo, Sonic, my main man! What's happenin'?
Sonic: Do you know this gentleman by the name of Dr. Eggman?
Nabeshin [cupping chin]: An egged... man? Sorry, Sonic, that doesn't ring a bell.
Eggman [to Nabeshin]: Hey, I don't think I know you! Name's Dr. Ivo Robotnik, but keep yourself alive by calling me "Eggman."
Nabeshin: 'Sup? Name's Nabeshin. And it seems as if I now know everyone ever, since I finally met you.
Eggman: Really? See, I've heard of everyone EXCEPT you. But now, I DO know you, so now, we're TIED!!!
Nabeshin [cocking an eyebrow and smiling]: Alright, then, Eggman, I propose a competition. You have a lot of people coming to Eggman on Ice tonight, right? As you greet some of the people coming, we'll see how many we know. And we CAN'T lie about it, either.
Eggman [anime gleam crosses his sunglasses]: You're on, my newfound friend. [shakes hands with Nabeshin, then laughs like Tomoyo] HOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!
Nabeshin [to Sonic]: Um, he's creeping me out.
Sonic: Yeah, I figured--
Eggman: YOU THERE, HIRED HELP!!! GET GOING!!! [whips Sonic with a whip]
Sonic: OW!!! [thinks] HIRED!? THAT MEANS PAY, RIGHT?
Eggman [low serious tone]: Don't make me whip you again.
Ran [looking at her reflection in a window]: I'm not fat...
[We should mention that the camera's been rolling this whole time. And who should see all of this except...]
[...Geese's group, including Rock, Hotaru, a mentally disturbed Terry, and the ever jubilant Roy.]
Roy [looking at a TV in a store window, just saw the "interview"]: Wow, what interesting people! Dr. Eggman's still got the old charm, I see! I can't wait to see that ice show! [blatant foreshadowing alert] I wonder if I'll run into any old friends...
Geese [being his pompous ass self]: C'MON, GANG, WE'LL TAKE THE BUS! IT'S CHEAPER THAN MY SEVERAL PERSONAL LIMOS!!!
Rock [yelling at Geese]: DAMMIT, DAD, IT DOESN'T MATTER! I BET YOU ALREADY CALLED THE BUS, AND WHEN IT GETS HERE, YOU'RE GOING TO GET ON AND SAY [imitating Geese] "ALRIGHT, PEOPLE, EVERYONE OUT! AND DRIVER, STEP ASIDE, CAUSE I'M DRIVING UP IN THIS BEEYOTCH!" [end imitation] I'M RIGHT, AREN'T I!?
Geese [patting Rock on the shoulder]: HAHAHA, EXCELLENT PLAN, ROCK! [the bus comes by] C'MON, ROCK'S GIRLFRIEND, LADIES FIRST!!!
Rock: SHE HAS A *NAME*, DAD!!! SHE'S NOT AN ANIMAL!!!
Hotaru [gently nudging Rock's arm and speaking to him softly]: That's okay, Rock. I don't have to have a name if it makes you fight with your father--
Geese [playfully elbowing Rock's ribs]: Heh, I bet she's an animal in bed, though, eh, Rocko boy?
Rock [turns five different shades of red; yelling desperately]: DAD!!! SHUT UP!!!
Geese [patting Hotaru's head]: Heh, you'll have a fine honeymoon with my son!!!
Hotaru [also heavily blushing]: Um, Mr. Howard, that's not appropriate right now, and the bus is driving away--
Geese: THE HELL IT IS!
[Geese runs in front of the bus, plants his feet, and... stops the bus with his bare hands. Then, he uses his Shinkuu Nage (the 360 arm motion Taichi-style throw) to throw the bus about half a block away. People run out of it screaming.]
Geese: DAMN, GEESE, YOU STILL GOT IT!
Terry [a little angry]: You could've killed people, Howard!
Geese: Oh, go cry on your father's shoulder!
Terry [sobbing]: But he's DEAD! [points] YOU KILLED HIM! [runs off crying]
Geese: DON'T FORGET EGGMAN ON ICE TONIGHT, TANYA!!!
Terry [yelling back]: MY NAME IS TERRY, AND I'M A MAN!!! [disappears around a corner]
Geese [doesn't speak for a moment after looking at the bus, then..]: ... ROCK, WHATSERFACE, AND ROY, I'M CALLING ONE OF MY LIMOS!!!
Rock [vein in forehead; suppressing murderous rage]: Urge to kill own father... rising exponentially...
Roy [jubilant as always]: Wow. Now THIS is interesting!
7 hours remain...
[Near the stadium, an orange dress-clad green-haired mysterious figure is thinking out loud...]
Farah [slightly crazy]: I can't believe it's finally going to happen! I can't believe I'm finally going to kill Eggman! [crazy laugh] HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Reid [usual self; seemingly unaffected by Farah's, um, condition]: Um, Farah, can we go down now?
Meredy: Meredy still didn't get Quickie back...
Keele: If you're stupid, say YEAH really loud.
[Keele slaps his forehead in disgust.]
Hotsuma [suddenly appears beside Farah]: Are you also going to see Eggman on Ice?
Farah [surprised]: AH! A ninja? [sees Grave] A gun zombie? [sees Mika, the woman with Grave] A... woman? Actually, that's normal. [sees the Chao] And what are those things?
Juki: We're not things! We're Chao!
Shade: Yeah, I'm glad I said that!
Juki: No I DIDN'T!!!
[Grave says nothing, but thinks the Chao are cute, so he pets them.]
Farah [charmed by the Chao]: Wow, after looking at those cute things, I almost don't want to kill Eggman anymore. I still WILL kill Eggman, but I won't make him suffer as much.
Juki: Lady's kinda scary...
Shade: Eggman's nice when you get to know him!
Hotsuma: You're going to try and assassinate Eggman? Young lady, I don't know what you think you know, but Eggman is a master of ninjutsu, taught to him by the famous original Shinobi, Joe Musashi, who'll ALSO be at Eggman on Ice.
Farah [smirking]: Ha, yeah right! That lard ass couldn't pull off any sort of ninjutsu technique--
Eggman [suddenly appears next to Farah]: Hi, Farah!
Farah [jumps 10 feet in the air, then turns to Eggman]: YOU!!! HOW'D YOU SNEAK UP ON ME?
Eggman: Ninjutsu, how else? [disappears in an explosion of smoke]
Farah [shocked]: Wow, that's... surprising. And it seems as if Eggman has allies for some reason. Hmm, I better re-think my Eggman killing plan... [looks at the floor and spies a set of keys with an Eggman-insignia key chain] Heh heh heh, perfect...
6 hours remain...
[The big night has arrived. Eggman, in his normal outfit, is greeting the many guests that have shown up and are waiting in the newly designed stadium's mezzanine. Nabeshin, in a tux, is also helping out his new friendly rival Eggman, and also pointing out people he knows but thinks that Eggman doesn't.]
Eggman [to a bandaged up Joe from Digimon]: Hey, Joe, good to see you! How's the Akuma-beating recovery coming?
Joe [trying to be optimistic]: Well, I *did* survive after all. I just live life one day at a time. Having only 75% of my original mobility isn't SO bad.
Nabeshin: That's Joe Kido. His Digimon is Gomamon.
Eggman: I know who he is! Remember, Akuma trashed him and mauled his little Digimon pet?
Joe [crying]: EXCUSE ME I HAVE SOMETHING IN MY EYE! [runs]
Eggman: Maybe he won't run into Akuma.
Vectorman [from behind Eggman and Nabeshin]: Eggman, Nabeshin, hello. Where's the freaking washroom?
Eggman: You're a robot, you don't need it!
Vectorman: Very well. I just wanted to be more human. Word. [walks off to chat up some ladies]
Eggman: Apparently, Nabeshin, you know Vectorman as well-- [sees Sora Takenouchi from Digimon (henceforth known as Sora T.)] HEY, SORA! DIDN'T YOU READ THE SIGN? [Eggman points to a sign saying "NO SORA'S ALLOWED!!!"]
Sora T. [dressed in a black gown thing, holding Matt's arm]: But, but you let in Sora from Kingdom Hearts!
Sora [walking in to the mezzanine as this is all happening; wearing his normal outfit]: Hey, Eggman, where's your bathroom?
Eggman: Down the hall that way. [to Sora T.] The sign says no SOR-RUZ. I'm allowed to have one!
Sora T. [angry]: But I was here first!!!
Eggman: Then I just don't like you! Go fuck Matt, you Tai-betraying harpy!
Sora T. [angry]: FINE!!! LET'S GO, MATT!!!
Matt [unmoving]: Um, sorry babe, but I wanna see Eggman on Ice.
Sora T. [near tears]: BUT I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME!!!
Tai: Sorry, Sora. Just like you did to me, Matt used you for sex!
Matt [cocky]: You weren't even that good! HAHAHA [he and Tai laugh away and give each other a high five, as Sora T. leaves in shame]
Tai [gives Eggman some money]: Thanks, Eggman! I've wanted to do that for a long time, ever since she... well... you know... [glares at Matt]
Eggman [pockets the cash]: No problem, Tai. I hated her ever since she became a bitch.
Matt [pulls out two beer cans]: Now we can have some beer--
Eggman [shoots the cans out of Matt's hands at incredible speed]: You're under age, Matt. And there's no drinking at this event anyway. Even *I* won't drink here.
Tai [cautious]: Matt, this is Eggman. Don't push him.
Matt [cocky]: Screw that! It's MY beer, and I'll-- [gets whipped in the face by Eggman's whip; you guessed it, he started crying] OOOOOWWWW!!! MAN THAT HURTS!!! IT BURNS!!! IT BUURRNNS!!!
TK [walking in with Kari; both are dressed to kill]: Oh, take it like a man, Matt! Ken whipped *me* in the face, and I didn't even flinch!
Matt [clutching face; tears streaming down his face]: You got whipped in the face?
Ken [beside TK; dressed sharply]: Yeah, I was... a bit crazy back then.
Eggman [holding whip]: Matt, stop your crying and get inside, ya big pussy! Otherwise I'll whip you again! [Matt and co. comply]
Nabeshin: By the way, Eggman, I know all those Digimon kids as well.
Eggman: Who doesn't?
Aeris [squeaky]: EGGY! LOOK AT ME AND SEPHY'S PRACTICE CHILDREN!!!
Eggman [to Nabeshin]: Once she starts talking she doesn't OH MY GOD, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO KIRBY!?
Kirby [dressed up in the red bow, cramped in a baby carriage with Meta Knight's goons, who are also still dressed from before]: Help me, Eggman--
Meta Axe: It's too cramped in here!
Meta Lance: I'm cold...
Meta Chain [very loud]: I WANT MORE MILK, MOMMY!!! [Kirby, Axe, and Lance look at him angrily] WHAT? WHEN IN ROME, RIGHT!?
Nabeshin [to Meta Knight; snaps with both hands and points]: Heeey, Meta Knight!
Meta Knight [mimics Nabeshin's actions]: Heeey, Nabeshin! How does the time fly?
[Sephiroth, Aeris, Kirby, and Meta Knight and goons walk on. Cloud, who was with the group, stays behind to talk to Eggman.]
Cloud [to Eggman]: So, how are things with Eggman?
Eggman: Eh, still trying to conquer my world. You?
Cloud: Alright, I guess. I still can't believe that Aeris and Sephiroth are both still alive, and apparently a couple.
Eggman: Yeah, that happens. The Cronies and I had to fight those two. You wouldn't believe the sort of violent tendencies Aeris has when someone other than her calls Sephiroth "Sephy." Uh-oh [looks around, doesn't see Aeris] Phew, I thought I was going to die.
Cloud [wide eyed]: Really? Wow, I guess it's okay that I ended up with Tifa then. [Serious] So, um, Eggman, you left before we could thank you for saving our planet.
Eggman: Don't worry about it--
Cloud: No, really! After Aeris died and you disappeared, I thought we were doomed. Then, when you came and blew up Meteor with your giant guns--no thanks to that traitor-spell Holy--you left before we could thank you!
Eggman: Nah, don't mention it, Cloud. I don't want to destroy worlds, just conquer them! So be ready! [Cloud and Eggman laugh together; Eggman turns deadly serious for a moment and grabs his whip] I mean it.
Ganondorf [from Zelda/Smash Bros.]: So THAT'S what happened in Final Fantasy 7.
Eggman [not realizing who it is]: Get going on in, you stupid OH SHIT, IT'S GANONDORF!!! Sorry, Ganondorf! I thought you were some Digimon punk!
Ganondorf [death glare]: Don't let it happen again.
Eggman: Seriously, dude, get inside. You're scaring me.
Cloud [intimidated]: Yeah, me too. [Ganondorf goes on in; Cloud stays] If it's all the same with you, Eggman, I'm going to stay out here and talk with you some more.
Nabeshin: So, Cloud, my man, who did that cutie Yuffie get together with?
Cloud: You'll never believe it: Squall Leonhart.
Eggman: Really!? That's like, so odd...
Celes [from Final Fantasy 6; walks into the mezzanine]: Hey, Eggman, do you remember me?
Eggman: Hi Celes. [shoves her aside hard] TERRA!!! [hugs Terra, also from FF6]
Terra [pats him on the back]: Alright, alright, let me go, Eggman, it's good to see you too! [Eggman lets go] You look good, Eggman.
Eggman: Thanks! So, how's the wanderer life?
Terra: Not bad, not bad. I still visit the orphans every once in a while. Thanks again for building homes for them. Guess what? Katrin and Duane named their child Eggman!
Eggman [excited]: Really!? Awesome! Now there's more Eggmen! [introduces Cloud to Terra] Cloud, this is Terra. Terra, Cloud.
Terra [politely]: Pleased to meet you.
Cloud [politely]: The pleasure is mine.
[Some more time passes. Eggman, Nabeshin, Cloud, and Terra are chatting as Eggman greets more various guests (and simply nodding to Grave), when who should walk in but...]
Geese [loud as usual but wearing a proper suit]: EGGMAN, YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!
Eggman [happy]: Geese, you dickwad! I guess you got my tickets!
Geese: Well, SOME of us [staring at Rock] were trying to duck out of it. Namely [points to Hotaru] Rock's ho!
Rock [fucking pissed off]: That's it, dad. You were warned. [kicks Geese in the head]
Geese [recovers]: HAHAHA, I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS FOR 15 YEARS!!!
Rock [continuing the fight]: I'M *17*, DAD!
Geese [fighting back]: Then YOU do the math!!!
Roy [impressed]: Wow, such powerful warriors! I have to get me a picture of this! [takes a picture with his handy cam]
Eggman: Get inside, all of you. Except you, Roy. Come join the conversation. We haven't talked in ages!
[As Terry, Geese, Rock, and Hotaru enter the stadium, Edge, Gan, and Akira arrive. By the way, all three are dressed in their normal outfits, except Akira doesn't have her jacket.]
Akira [squealing happily]: EGGMAN!
Eggman: Who the fu-- [smiles] AKIRA! [gives Akira a hug] Akira, you've grown into a fine young woman!
Akira [blushing slightly]: Thank you, Eggman... oh my god! Roy, is that you, pussy ass!?
Roy: Well if it isn't that slut Akira! [laughs and hugs Akira as a bug-eyed Edge watches]
Edge [bug-eyed and confused]: They just insulted each other and now they're hugging? Grr...
Gan [usual self]: Don't they make a cute couple, Edge?
Edge [whispering to Gan]: Um, no, idiot! *I* like Akira, remember?
Roy [laughing]: Ah, Akira, I can't believe you remembered our little play taunts!
Akira [laughing]: How could I forget? We are childhood friends, after all!
Edge: PLAY TAUNTS!? [jealous; to Roy, trying to make Roy look stupid] Hey, why are you wearing such gallant armor atop everyday clothing?
Cloud: I think it looks cool!
Terra [analyzing Roy]: I must agree, it makes him look both regal AND casual.
Eggman [jokingly]: And it's a bit of a turn on!
[Everyone except Edge starts laughing hysterically.]
Gan [laughing]: Heh, you suck Edge!
Edge [losing it]: HEY! [thinks of something else; pulls out his rusty knife] Well, he doesn't have a *lucky* knife! [exaggerated laugh] HAHAHAHA!!!
Akira [looks at Edge briefly, then back to Roy]: Hey, Roy, is that a sword you have?
Edge [matter-of-factly]: What.
Roy [genuinely modest]: Oh, this thing? [pulls out his jewel-adorned, quite majestic, NOT rusty, very shiny, and slightly glowing sword] It's the Sword of Seals. It's a fire-elemental blade of great power. [As Roy says this, the sword flames briefly, enough to dazzle without endangering]
Everyone except Edge [in awe]: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...
Gan [still in awe]: Two in a row, Edge! His knife is much better than yours! And well-kempt.
Edge [near tears]: Shut up, Gan! You're supposed to be my friend!
Terra [admiring the Sword of Seals]: That's a pretty cool sword, Roy. I, too, have a sword you may find intriguing. [Terra pulls out what appears to be just a sword's handle, when suddenly a blade of blue light appears where the sword would normally be] This is the Ultima Weapon. Like it?
Gan: Wow, Edge, you must be feeling insecure!
[Edge says nothing]
Cloud [a little surprised]: Ultima Weapon? And the way it looks; what a coincidence... [pulls out his own much larger and wider Ultima Weapon (the one from FF7)] This is *my* Ultima Weapon! Quite a resemblance, huh?
Gan: Holy cow, Edge, this must be the worst day of your life!
[Edge says nothing, his face twitching slightly]
Sora [from Kingdom Hearts]: Hey, Eggman, I STILL can't find your bathroo--OOOH, Ultima Weapons! [pulls out his Keyblade and attaches the Ultima Weapon key chain to change said Keyblade into a glowing blue Keyblade/sword hybrid] Here's mine!
Gan: Even a key-sword thing is kicking your ass!
Edge [comes to a realization]: Hey, I got it! There's still hope for crazy ol' Edge! [realizes what he said] DAMMIT! Anyway...
[As Roy, Terra, Cloud, and Sora compare enchanted blades, Edge throws a piece of paper into the air, swipes at it a couple of times, and catches it. We see that Edge carved quite a nice paper swan out of the paper. No one is watching him.]
Edge [cocky]: Heh, yeah, I rock! [angry when he notices that no one is... well, noticing him]
Eggman [wheeling in a large chunk of ice]: Oh, man, I've got to work out less! [that wasn't a typo] Hey, Roy, help me turn this ice into something artistic! We need a centerpiece for the mezzanine!
Roy [jubilant as always]: Sure, why not? [Suddenly, Roy's face turns deadly serious. He holds his sword at the ready and swings at the block of ice countless times within the time frame of one full second. The block of ice appears solid and unbroken. As Roy sheaths the Sword of Seals, the block of ice seems to shatter, only to reveal a perfect ice sculpture of Akira. Everyone (save Edge) applauds.]
Eggman: Brilliant, Roy! I'll put this in a special cold glass showpiece so it never ever melts! He's quite a catch, eh, Akira!? Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, and whatnot. Much better than Edge, I'd say! HJA!!! [Eggman walks off, wheeling away the Akira ice sculpture]
Edge [sad, but speaking out loud]: Dammit, he made Akira look hotter than she already is! [Edge looks around to find everyone staring at him, hearing everything he just said. Edge yells, desperately...] DAMMIT! DAMMIT! DAMMIT!
Gan [sparkly anime eyes; hands clasped]: Wow, Roy is my new best friend!
Edge: GAN! [pulls Gan away by the ear]
Eggman [he came back]: So, is Daigo coming, Akira?
Akira [sad look in her eyes]: Um, Daigo never really felt the same about you, Eggman. Not since... ... the incident...
Daigo [at the entrance; dramatic music playing]: Who said I wouldn't be coming?
Akira [surprised]: Onii-chan!
Eggman [waits a moment, then yells Daigo's name a la Ultraman dub while getting into a Dragon Ball Z style fighting stance]: DAIGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Daigo [ditto]: IVOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
[Eggman and Daigo started fighting at extremely high speed, rapidly countering and parrying each other's exaggerated martial arts moves. Suddenly...]
Pedro [out of nowhere]: LOOOOOOK OOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUTT!!! The Egg Carrier is going to crash! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
[Eggman and Daigo stop fighting long enough to see the Egg Carrier, being piloted by crazy Farah...]
Farah [crazy laugh]: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
[...about to hit the arena]
Cloud: That crazy bitch is going to kill us all! [sarcastically] Just like Meteor!
Terra: What should we do?
Daigo: Roy, protect Akira. Edge, Gan, get inside.
Edge [feeling betrayed]: Um, boss, shouldn't WE protect Akira--
Daigo [sharp tone]: Shut up, Edge.
Eggman [calm]: Don't worry yourselves, home boooooyyyyyzz. [Pulls out a remote control and hits a button. The Egg Carrier stops in place, then falls, destroying several buildings, and the hotel. From the rubble, all we see is a lone rubber ducky...]
Gan: Wow, you have a remote car starter?
Eggman: Of course! I wouldn't purposely drop my keys to tempt Farah to kill me with my own Egg Carrier without implementing some sort of fail safe plan. Would you?
Farah [crawling out of the Egg Carrier; somehow heard everything Eggman said]: SON OF A--
Eggman: C'mon, everyone, get to your seats! The show's about to start!
Sonic [sounds bored]: Um, Eggman, not that I give a shit or anything, but Ran and Dan have run off.
Eggman [pulling out whip]: THE HELL THEY DID!
[A few city blocks away, one high school reporter and one potential brother of said high school reporter are running as fast as they can.]
Ran [breathing heavily]: Hurry up, Dan, he's right behind us!
Dan: SAIKYOOOO-RYU RULES!!! [gets snatched by Eggman, who is using his whip while riding the Egg-Mobile] AAAAHH SAVE YOURSELF RAN!!!
Ran [she has every intention of leaving Dan behind]: THAT'S THE PLAN!
Eggman [yelling at Ran]: YEAH, WHY DON'T YOU COST THE CITY MORE MILLIONS OF DOLLARS IN STREET REPAIRS, ELEPHANT FEET!
Batsu [running towards the arena]: THAT'S SUCH BURNAGE!!!
Eggman: BURNAGE!? [whips Batsu in the face; Batsu stumbles and falls face first into the pavement as the chase continues]
Ran [yelling back]: I'M NOT FAT!!!
Eggman [yelling at Ran]: HEY, RAN, I GOT SOME ÉCLAIRS BACK AT THE STADIUM! LET ME JUST GET OUT THE HEAVY DUTY FAT-ASS WHORE WHIP! It reels in sharks! [pulls out a REALLY thick whip]
5 and a half hours remain...
[A few minutes later, Eggman is taking both Dan and Ran back to the stadium, where the show is...]
[...about to begin. In the seats, we see countless people from various universes chatting, taking their seats, or, in Pedro's case, crying about life/death. We see Bowser, Il Palazzo, and Pedro sitting together.]
Bowser: Wow, Eggman's got quite the crowd, here.
Il Palazzo: Yes, quite the outcome--wha, what the hell are you two doing on my shoulder pads?
Juki [on one shoulder pad]: These are great seats!
Shade [on the other pad]: Il Palazzy, do you want chips?
Il Palazzo [suddenly not minding]: ... I don't see why not. [takes the bag of chips that Shade offered]
Juki: Where's Uncy Eggy?
Bowser [laughs]: Heh, Eggy...
Shade: We're serious!
Pedro: IF ONLY SOMEONE COULD CALL PEDRO UNCY PEDRO, OR GRAMPY PEDRO!!! BUT NO MORE, FOR PEDRO IS DEAD!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Il Palazzo [ignoring Pedro; to the Chao]: Eggman should be on shortly, little creatures.
Juki: Hey, we're not "shortly," we're Chao!
Shade: Shortly Chao?
Juki: You don't GET IT! [pounces on Shade playfully]
Il Palazzo: Please, don't mess with the hair.
Davis: Wow, we got great seats Akuma!
Akuma [death glare to Davis]: Get the fuck away from me. I was able to tolerate you last night, but today, if you anger me, the souls of the dead shan't spare thee mercy--
Davis [squealing]: HEY, Akuma, I call first--
Akuma [scary tone]: DAVIS, IF YOU VALUE YOUR LIFE, DO *NOT* FINISH THAT SENTENCE!
Davis [silent for several seconds, then...]: ... Seatsies?
[Akuma grabs Davis by the collar and is about to throw the punch to end all punches, when...]
Davis [not worried]: Hey, Akuma, remember last night?
[Akuma is sleeping soundly, when he's awakened... by a flashlight being shone directly at his eyes.]
Akuma [snorting as he is suddenly awakened from his snoring slumber]: Wha-- WHAT THE--
Davis: Can Ducky and I keep this on, Akumie?
[Next, we see the rubber ducky being flung out the window, and landing unharmed at the hotel's base.]
Davis [kind of disappointed, but not really]: Wow, that was mean. Know what you need Akuma? A nice bubble bath! I'll get the boat!
[A vein appears on Akuma's forehead]
Akuma: Davis... it... is... four... in... the... morn--GAH!!!
Davis [turns on the room's light, causing Akuma to turn away suddenly]: What? Sorry, Akuma, I didn't hear you while I was turning on the light!
Akuma [muttering to himself]: Messatsu--
Davis: Remember? Good times!
[Akuma puts Davis down for some reason. As he takes his seat, he accidentally kicks up a rubber ducky that flies off and lands on the head of none other than...]
Geese [picking up the ducky that hit him in the head]: OH, A FIGHTING DUCKY, EH!? [Geese throws the duck straight up, then...] RAGING--
Rock [holding Geese back]: NO, YOU IDIOT, NOT HERE!
Geese: OH, YOU WANT TO FIGHT AGAIN, EH, BOY?
Rock: NO!!! THERE ARE *PEOPLE* HERE, DAD!!! AND, THEREFORE, YOU SHOULDN'T HURT SOME OF THEM TO DESTROY A TOY!!! IT'S CALLED COMMON SENSE!!!
Geese: I'll common sense YOU!!! [points to Hotaru] Is your slab of meat teaching you to disrespect your old man!?
Hotaru [still timid voice; very shocked]: Um, Mr. Howard--
Kirby [from the row in front of them; turns around and sounds angry]: Hey, keep it down back there!
Geese: OH, SO NOW PINKO HERE'S DISSING ME! [grabs Kirby and throws him far away]
Rock: DAD, STOP!
Terry: GEESE, GOOD GOD! YOU'RE JUST THROWING RANDOM RAGE EVERYWHERE! WHEN DOES IT END?
Geese: AFTER I HAD SEX WITH YOUR MAMA ALL THOSE YEARS AGO! THAT'S WHY I KILLED YO' DADDY!
Terry [crying]: SO YOU WERE "BLUEBERRY MUFFIN"!!! [runs off yet again]
Geese [yelling]: WITH CREAM CHEESE ON TOP!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!
Aeris [rage]: HEY!!! YOU THREW MY BABY!!! SEPHY, PUNCH HIM!!!
Sephy [vein in forehead; for once is losing his calm composure]: Aeris, they are NOT our children. They are beings that you're holding prisoner because you basically like to play "house," first with that Amy Rose girl, and now [points] with Meta Knight's Goons? This has to end, Aeris!
Aeris [trying to be serious]: Sephy, if you don't care about our children, how is this relationship going to work? Besides, I don't see YOU going out and working!
Sephy: I own a tailor shop, remember? WE BOTH WORK THERE!!!
Aeris: I won't have it! Now [holds up Meta-Chain] feed our baby!
Meta-Chain: Save enough money for me to go to college, da-da!!!
Sephiroth [mumbled angrily to himself]: Okay, just calm down, Sephiroth. She's *hot* and *dumb*. You can fuck her later. That's what you want, right? [As he continues, he grabs Meta-Chain by the top of the head and, while holding the goon in front with one hand, violently shoves the baby bottle in Chain's mouth.]
Meta-Chain: This milk is too hot, da-da!
Sephiroth [holds up his free hand and wills fire to appear]: Is it *still* too hot?
Meta-Chain [scared]: No.
Aeris: Don't intimidate our children, Sephy! [Doesn't see Meta-Axe miss an axe swing to her head; she turns back and starts cradling Axe] Aw, you're so cute!
Meta-Axe: I don't like you, mommy!
Aeris [ignores]: Sephy, Sephy, he said his first sentence! [sticks a pacifier in Axe's mouth] Soon, you'll be able to walk! But I'll never, ever, EVER let you go!
Meta-Lance [throws his weapon away]: Well, there goes our chances!
[Meanwhile, Kirby, after getting Aeris's shit off of him, has just regained control of his speeding body, and gently lands on... Sakura's lap.]
[For a few seconds, Kirby and Sakura just stare at each other. Shaoron looks on. Tomoyo isn't there, because she had to go powder her nose with Meilin. Yukito isn't doing anything.]
Kirby [first one to speak]: Um, hi!
Sakura: Um, hello. You're kinda cute. [thinks for a moment] Eriol didn't send you to kill me, did he?
Kirby [thinking]: Um, I don't think so--
Shaoron [pets Kirby]: Good enough.
Tomoyo [coming back to her seat, and sees Kirby; Tomoyo's angry]: YOU!!!
Kirby: AAH, CRAZY LADY!!!
Yukito [charming]: You should calm down, Tomoyo-chan.
Tomoyo [calming down]: Fine, whatever.
Kirby [charmed by Yukito]: Wow, mister, you're very charming! AND persuasive!
Yukito [petting Kirby]: Why, thank you, cute little pink thing that we know nothing about!
Kirby: Aw, he called me cute!
Yukito [walking off]: Pardon me; I'm going to get drinks for everyone!
[Yukito walks by Gan and Edge. The latter two are standing in a corner.]
Yukito [charming as ever]: Hi, Gan!
Gan [blushing]: Oooooooh, I get shivers when he calls me Gan!
Edge [ignoring Gan and Yukito, and watching Roy and Akira talking happily about whatever]: I don't get this "Roy" character. Look at him! He's stronger than me, faster than me, carries a bigger, more gallant blade than I do, uses weapons better than me, has nicer hair than me, manages to impress more people than I do, and even dresses better than me; casual, yet formal! DAMMIT!
Gan: Don't forget the hygiene bit!
Edge [angry]: HEY! I shower!
Gan [waving his hand in front of his face]: Well you smell like bum, anyhow.
Edge [mean]: Well YOU smell like sumo!!!
Gan [upset and saddened; near tears]: Well, that was just mean, Edge! ... ROY'S NICE!!! [runs off bawling and starts crying on Roy's shoulder; to Roy] He was so cruel! He thinks he should be better than you and he's in love with you!
Edge [flabbergasted]: WHAT!?
Roy [to Edge; handles this like a perfect gentleman]: Edge, I'm flattered, but I'm afraid I'm not interested. [puts a hand on Edge's shoulder] Please understand--
Edge [slaps off Roy's hand]: I do understand: I'M NOT GAY!!! [nobody hears this; Roy, Akira, and Gan have already left]
[SEMI-IMPORTANT AUTHORS' NOTE]
GMS: We've said this before, but we'll say it again: we have NO prejudices. Meaning, we have nothing against anyone of any race, color, or sexual preference.
Judge Neusy: So don't be TOO offended by this scene or any others.
[END SEMI-IMPORTANT AUTHORS' NOTE]
Daigo [out of nowhere; yelling]: EDGE!!!
Edge [nervous]: Boss! What'd I do?
Daigo [calm]: Edge, I heard that you've just admitted your homosexuality. I want to say that I'm proud of you. I couldn't understand, because I'm not gay myself, but if you need anything, I'm here for you. Remember, admitting this means you're no longer a boy; it's your first personal step to becoming... a man. [starts bellowing all of a sudden] HEY EVERYONE! [everyone looks at Daigo and Edge; Edge is beet red] THIS YOUNG MAN, EIJI YAMADA, ALSO KNOWN AS EDGE FROM GEDO HIGH SCHOOL OF JAPAN, JUST CAME OUT OF THE CLOSET!!! IF ANYONE GIVES HIM TROUBLE ABOUT IT, THEY'LL HAVE TO FACE ME!!! AND I WON'T HOLD BACK!!!
Edge [mentally broken, but appearing calm]: Well, thanks for the pep talk boss, but... I'M NOT GAY!!!
Daigo: Edge, I didn't hear what you had to say, because I'm hungry and I want some nachos. [takes off]
Edge: ... dammit ... now Akira won't love me... I bet that was ROY'S PLAN ALL ALONG!!!
[Looks at Roy with evil eyes; Roy smiles and waves with warm, kind, gentle, understanding-of-your-situation eyes.]
Edge [sulking, about to just give up and leave]: This sucks. [suddenly, he bumps into a boy who quickly walks off; Edge noted the unusual winged Patamon-type creature flying in the boy's wake; Edge looks down to see a note] Did that kid leave this? [reads it] "Meet me outside in ten minutes. I can help you." Hmm... note from a stranger in a strange place asking to meet him outside? I'd be stupid NOT to do this!
[Edge runs off but bumps into Ky. Ky is dressed in a formal getup similar to his normal outfit. Jam, arm-in-arm with Ky, is in a stunning Chinese dress. They're quite the couple.]
Ky [extending his hand to the fallen Edge]: Are you alright, sir?
Edge [angry]: Grr, watch where you're walking, Frenchie. [NOTE: Ky's French]
Jam [sizing up Edge]: Do you want to kick him, or should I?
Edge [scampers off]: I apologize, dude! I didn't know you were actually French! I gotta go!
Ky [confused]: Good for him. I guess.
Eggman: So, you guys memorized your lines?
Sonic: Um, no. There's nothing TO memorize!
Tails: All you gave us was "MAKE SOME SHIT UP!" written on an 8 by 11 sheet of paper!
Knuckles: Where's my rap crew?--
Eggman [points to the caged rap crew]: Cage.
Rouge: I have a feeling that this will be a waste of my life and my time.
Shadow: But Eggman said we can learn a lot by working together! ... That's a CROCK OF SHIT, EGGMAN!!!
Amy: Eggman, what were you thinking!?
Ran: When this is done, can I please go home? [whip cracks near her face; Ran's scared] I'll be good.
Eggman: Dan, get out there and get things started! Ran, handle the spotlights! Bob, film everything!
Bob [Scottish accent]: Ach, where the hell was I!?
[Ran goes off to her spotlight console. This is also a convenient excuse for us to not have to describe how the spotlights are happening. Just assume they work out as they should, dear reader. You still with us? We have been going on for quite a while, haven't we? Don't worry, though, the show starts... now.]
5 hours remain...
[The voices get gradually lower in volume as the crowd notices the lowering of the lights. Whispers about as Dan Hibiki, suddenly in a proper emcee's outfit, steps out onto the ice and is about to speak into the microphone.]
Dan [speaking clearly and properly, which is surprising considering said man's spastic yells]: Ladies, gentlemen, beings from other worlds, welcome to Eggman... on ICE!!!
[Cheering and applause, then it dies down]
Akuma [in the crowd]: Wow, Dan sure is quite the speaker. You learn something new every da--
Davis [squealing]: OOOOOOOOH, YOU KNOW HIM!?
Akuma [losing it]: Shut. Up. Davis.
[Back to our emcee for the evening...]
Dan: X number of years ago, an egg-shaped man was born upon this Earth. Losing the egged form as he grew, then regaining it after his very successful high school years for reasons unknown, he conquered... our hearts... and soon... the WORLD!!! GIVE IT UP, FOLKS, FOR DR. IVO ROBOTNIK, THE INFAMOUS EGGMAN!!!
[Again, cheers, as Eggman comes skating out... in a top hat, bow tie, sweat pants, and no shirt. As he skates, music starts to play, and as the music starts, hot female backup skaters (which Eggman kept hidden from Sonic and company for some reason...) skate out. Eggman and hotties start singing.]
Eggman: ♪♫ I am Dr. Eggman! ♪♫
Backup Skaters: ♪♫ He is Dr. Eggman! ♪♫
Eggman: ♪♫ EGGMAN! ♪♫
Backup Skaters: ♪♫ EGGMAN! ♪♫
Eggman [singing really fast]: ♪♫ DOCTORIVOROBOTNIKAKADOCTOR EGGMAN!!! ♪♫
[The song ends, and suddenly--]
Sonic and Tails [together]: STOP!!! We'll put an end to your evil ways!
[They start singing...]
Sonic: ♪♫ We will stop your evil ways! ♪♫
Tails: ♪♫ You know evil never pays! ♪♫
Eggman [aside]: This is the best they could come up with?
[Sonic and Tails continue for a while, until...]
Shadow [interrupting Sonic and Tails; sliding onto the scene]: ♪♫ I'M STILL ALIIIIIIIVE!!! ♪♫
Sonic and Tails [looking at each other confused]: ♪♫ HE'S STILL ALIIIIIIIVE!!! ♪♫
Shadow: ♪♫ STILL ALIVE-- ♪♫
Sonic and Tails: ♪♫ STILL ALIVE-- ♪♫
Shadow [singing fast]: ♪♫ fallingmilesfromspaceintotheatmosphereI'mstill ALIIIIIIIIIVE!!! ♪♫
[Song ends as Knuckles and Rouge skate out...]
Knuckles [holding a Master Emerald prop]: STOP! YOU CAN'T TAKE MY MASTER EMERALD!!!
Rouge: ♪♫ YES I CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANN!!! ♪♫
Knuckles [surprisingly good operatic singing voice]: ♪♫ NO YOU CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANN'T!!! ♪♫
Rouge: ♪♫ YES I CAN--♪♫
Knuckles: ♪♫ NO YOU CAN'T--♪♫
Rouge: ♪♫ YES I CAN--♪♫
Knuckles: ♪♫ NO YOU CAN'T--♪♫
Rouge: ♪♫ YES I CAN--♪♫
Knuckles: ♪♫ NO YOU CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN'T-- ♪♫ [stops singing] Hey, wait a minute!? [inspects his "prop"] ... THIS IS THE REAL MASTER EMERALD!!! EGGMAN, YOU SON OF A BI--
Knuckles Rap Crew [come out suddenly; rapping a new song, and also saving the show from Knuckles's sudden stop]: ♪♫ Yo, yo, yo, we the fighting freak Knuckles, and we freaking pissed!
Hey what th' hell is this
Everyone gathered round
Fighting freak Knuckles
Pounding things to the ground
Sonic's a speedy stroller
Tails's mood ain't gettin' thorny
Shadow the time controller
Amy here's just gettin' horny
Rouge is just a ho
That much bein' true
Biting off more than he can chew
Cause we just wanna get paid...
[Rap ends here.]
Amy [skating out as all but Sonic leave the rink]: ♪♫ I love you Sonic! ♪♫ [skates around Sonic once] ♪♫ I want us to get married! We should have children together, you and meeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! ♪♫
Sonic [improvising]: Um, ♪♫ Amy, I don't give a flying FUUUUUCK!!! ♪♫
Amy [much louder and more daring hip-hop singing]: ♪♫ Sonic, Sonic, Sonic, you're my hero, Sonic, Sonic, Sonic, you're my light of day... ♪♫ (it continues like this, but slowly gets more... disturbing and... X-rated...)
[Outside the stadium]
Edge [looking at TK]: You left that note?
TK: Yes. You see, Edge, I understand your pain.
Edge: No you don't! I saw you; you have a hot chick with you!
TK: But she's just with me out of spite! You see, thanks to Davis Motomiya--
Edge: That Eggman commercial kid?
TK: Yeah, that's him! Anyway, thanks to him, everyone thinks I'm gay. [This happened in Eggman Adventures 3, by the way] I tell people over and over and over that I'm not gay, but they don't believe me!
Patamon [on TK's shoulder; sarcastic]: Of course you're not gay, TK!
TK [angry]: SEE! SEE! EVEN MY PARTNER FOR LIFE DIGIMON DOESN'T BELIEVE ME! THEY DIDN'T EVEN BELIEVE ME WHEN I TOOK ADVANTAGE OF A VERY DRUNK DAVIS'S SISTER!!!
Edge: Actually, I believe you! You don't seem gay at all--
TK [angry]: What's that supposed to mean? You have something against gay people?
Edge: Um, no--
TK: Because, even though I'm not gay, I have nothing against *being* gay!
Edge: NEITHER DO I, STOP YELLING!!!
TK [calm]: Okay, good. So what's the plan?
Edge [angry]: YOU CALLED *ME* OUT HERE!!!
TK: Oh, yeah, right. So, the plan is to beat up Davis something fierce.
Edge: And then Roy!
TK: Roy? But... Roy's so polite and nice!
Edge [losing it]: GAH!!! Do you want me to cut that Davis kid or not?
TK: Hmmm... I suppose... but what does that have to do with Roy?
Edge [slapping his forehead repeatedly]: And people call ME dumb... Look, I'll cut up Davis, and you get your Digimon pal to lay some angelic smack down on Roy's ass!
Patamon: Um, I think my Angemon forms would lose against Roy.
Edge: He's not that damn good! ... Is he?
[Back to Amy's song on the ice, which has become very, VERY dirty...]
Amy [down on all fours, pretending to "hump" the ice]: ♪♫ I BET YOUR HUNG LIKE A HORSE, HUNG LIKE A HORSE!!! DO ME IN THE ASS, IN THE MOUTH, IN THE C-- ♪♫
Sakura [in the audience; to Shaoron]: Should we be listening to this?
Kirby [on Sakura's lap still]: They're teaching sex ed to younger kids every year.
Sonic [on the ice; screaming]: RAN! CUT THE LIGHTS AND MUSIC! I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!
[The lights suddenly die and silence envelopes the stadium, minus the audience's noises. Suddenly, a spot light appears on our emcee for the evening, Dan. Music starts playing, the exact same music as the beginning of the Opera House scene in Final Fantasy 6. By the way, the opera house scene was from said game and we only edited it to add Eggman (along with some other mods), so no crying "foul."]
Dan [dramatic voice, but not overly dramatic, it's just right]: The West and East... were waging war... Eggman, the West's great hero, thinks of his love, Maria. Is she safe? Is she waiting?
[Eggman skates out slowly, trying to look limp and hurt, when he's suddenly bombarded by several prop robotic Chocobos created by Tails. Sonic, Shadow, and Knuckles are riding them.]
Knuckles [calling back]: EAST RULES!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Eggman [slowly getting up]:
Oh Maria... [sees Matt in the crowd with a beer in hand, so Eggman, with lightning speed, whips him in the face from the ice; Matt cries out in pain, dropping his beer]
Pleeeeeeeease, hear... my vooooooooiiiiice!
How I long to conquer the world!
Sonic [from backstage]: That's not how the song goes!
Shadow [yelling so that everyone in the stadium can here]: He's ruining one of gaming's greatest moments! GET HIM!!!
[Suddenly, Sonic, Tails, Shadow, and Knuckles start beating on Eggman. Sonic, Shadow, and Tails are only pretending. Knuckles is really beating up Eggman for taking the Master Emerald. The spotlight slowly fades, and all is dark and silent again as the audience awaits the next scene.]
4 hours remain...
[Let's look at what's happening in the crowds, shall we?]
Hotaru [to Geese]: Mr. Howard, are you enjoying the show?
[Geese is snoring.]
Ganondorf: That Eggman's really going all out.
Roy [to Ganondorf]: I agree! He certainly put a great a deal of effort into this production! I'm impressed!
Gan [louder than he should be talking]: Wow, this is as interesting as watching Ganondorf transform into a pig-demon after getting his hands on the Triforce!
Ganondorf [shocked]: WHAT!? THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS!? SHIT! FUCK THAT, I'LL CONQUER HYRULE SOME OTHER WAY!!!
Gan [stoopid voice]: Oh no, I did bad!
Daigo [to Akira]: You can tell Eggman's wanted to do something like this for a while, eh, Akira?
Akira: Indeed. But he deserves this. His kindness often goes unnoticed by most.
Bowser: Focus, Eggman! FOCUS!!!
Il Palazzo: This is an ice show, you fool--STOP IT! [the last part was to Juki and Shade who, on their shoulder pad seats, were pulling Il Palazzo's hair.]
Pedro: Is the show over? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Juki and Shade[mimicking Pedro not-so-perfectly]: Noooooooooooooooo!
[Grave and Crono (yes, from Chrono Trigger) are sitting next to each other.]
Hotsuma: Dear god...
Mika: How are you liking the show, Grave?
[Grave says nothing, but nods.]
Mika [to Crono]: And how about you, Mr. Crono?
[Crono says nothing, but nods.]
Hotsuma [getting up and walking off]: I can't TAKE much more of this!!! I'm outta here!
[The show restarts as the lights come on again to reveal that somehow, some way, Eggman got a huge castle onto the rink for Celes to use in her Maria scene. The castle "prop" isn't preventing anyone in the audience from seeing Celes. In addition, the castle has been iced, so skating is possible. Yes, that's it...]
Celes [to herself before the scene starts]: How did I get myself into this again?
[FLASHBACK (two minutes ago)]
Celes [walking with Terra and Cloud backstage]: You wanted to see us, Eggman?
Eggman [gives Celes her old Maria dress and hands Terra and Cloud some clothes]: Get prepped Celes, you're on next!
Celes [shocked]: But I--
Eggman [pulls out a piece of paper]: Oh, relax, Celes, you can memorize this new modified Maria/Draco script in five seconds. [Holds paper in front of Celes's face] One two three four five you're done let's go. [Note that Eggman counted to five in about a second and a half; next he hands Celes the paper] Fine, study this as you're waiting. Now GO!
Celes: You owe me for this, Eggman. [leaves]
Eggman: Terra! Cloud! You'll be dancers in the scene following Maria's!
Cloud [giving up already knowing he won't win an argument with his old comrade Eggman]: You know what, Eggman? Yes. Yes I WILL be in that scene dancing with Terra.
Terra: I'd be happy to, Eggman!
Eggman: Good, good! Now... let's get to WORK!!!
Celes [to herself still]: I suppose I owe him for helping us escape Kefka's Tower and all... [reading over the "new" script] what's this!? Sonic dying!? Prince "Gersh?" Conquering!? How... odd... OH SHIT, I HAVE TO SING THIS!? [hears the music starting] Dammit, Eggman...
Bowser [really loud from the audience; everyone in the stadium hears]: JACK UP THE VOLUME!!!
Il Palazzo [really loud as well]: SHUT UP, JUST SHUT UP!!! SHOW SOME RESPECT!!!
Bowser [still really loud]: SORRY!!!
Dan [emcee/narrator; narrating to the audience]: The forces of the West fell, and Maria's castle was taken. Prince Gersh of the East took Maria's hand by force. But she never stopped yearning for Eggman...
Shaoron [in the audience; to Sakura]: That's SO wrong...
Kirby [on Sakura's lap]: It's sickening...
Celes [hearing the music approach that "magic point" where she's to start singing, and... it begins...]:
Oh my hero
So far away now
Will I ever see your smile?
Your love fades away
Like night into day
It's just a fading dream
I'm the darkness
You're the stars
Our love is brighter than the sun
For in the dark sky
You'll make Sonic die [Sonic backstage says "HEY!"]
Only you, my chosen one
Must I forget you?
Our solemn promise?
Will Eggman take over the world?
What shall I do?
I'm lost without you
Speak to me once more!
[Eggman appears next to Maria, with a rope tied around him. Thanks to strategic lighting, he looks ghostly, as he should for this scene.]
Knuckles [holding onto the rope from out of sight on the catwalk above and around the rink]: Dammit, he's so heavy!
Dan [helping Knuckles]: SAIKYOOOOOOOOOO!!!
[Back on the castle stage...]
Eggman [as the ghost]: Maria... [motions with his hands for Celes to come] Come to me...
[Eggman gracefully hovers around Celes as she skates around him. This continues for a while, then Eggman laughs hauntingly and is "supposed" to be lifted away... but isn't. He looks to where Knuckles and Dan are and points up desperately; they eventually lift him away rather abruptly as Eggman drops a bouquet of flowers. Celes picks it up and is about to continue...]
We must part now
My life goes on
This line has no meaning at all... [Celes is confused and irritated]
Ere I walk away
Let me hear you say
I meant as much to you
You touched my heart
This world should be forever yours!
Come what may
I won't age a day
I'll wait for you, Eggman...
Cloud [as Chancellor A; reading his lines without emotion or proper punctuation]: Prince Gersh needs a dance partner leave the past. Behind our kingdom is adopting the spirit. [Is about to walk off...] Oh, of the west!
Celes [whispering]: East! East!
Cloud [loudly]: What!? Look, I don't care! East, west, whatever! Sit here and sing! [leaves]
Celes [wondering what the hell she got herself into; skates to the end of the castle]: Look, a shooting star!
[Nothing happens for a few moments...]
Celes [LOUD]: OH, LOOK, A SHOOTING STAR!!!
Eggman [where Knuckles and Dan are, the catwalk]: Hey, you two, get the shooting [falls] star reaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!
[Suddenly, a shooting star does fall; it's Eggman falling like a rock. Before he hits ice, he floats to a gentle land, thanks to a hidden move from one Float card-wielding card mistress Sakura.]
Shaoron [to Sakura]: You know, he would have survived.
Sakura: I know.
[The scene ends and applause engulfs all.]
Geese [waking up]: BOOBIES! Whoa, what happened?
Rock [explaining quickly]: Apparently, after Eggman warded off the evil Sonic and company, he courted a lovely young lady named Maria from the West, and they think he's dead but he just fell out of the sky.
Geese [eyeing Rock suspiciously]: Rock, are you on drugs?
Rock [surprised as the accusation came out of nowhere]: ... NO!
Geese: Grr... Hotaru, give me the drugs.
Hotaru [surprised]: Um, Mr. Howard, I don't have any drugs on me.
Geese: So you admit that you DO use drugs, but that they aren't on you right now!
Hotaru [holding hands out]: That's not what I meant!--
Rock: Dad, you actually called her by her name!
Geese: OH, um, er, I... have to go... [runs off]
[Next scene, although if you played Final Fantasy 6 you already know what it is, is the dancing scene, where Maria (Celes) is dancing with Prince Gersh (yes, Gersh, and it's Random Person D). The Chancellor (Cloud) is dancing with someone that Eggman's "script" dubbed Hottie (Terra). Other extras are dancing with Sonic, Tails, Shadow, and Knuckles.]
Amy [enters as a soldier of the East]: The survivors of the West attack!
Random Person D: Impossible!
Knuckles [shoves Amy out of the way]: Holy crap, they ARE attacking!
Rouge [actually kicks Knuckles in the face as a representative of the West]: Take that, Eastern jackass!
Knuckles [gets up]: Oh, I'm beatin' into you, West-side style!
Rouge [fighting]: You're EAST!
[All, including Knuckles's rap crew, start mock-fighting (except Rouge and Knuckles, who are going at it for real) with Cloud, Terra, Sonic, Tails, and Shadow. Suddenly, Eggman breaks through the fighting crowd and they all stop fighting as he begins to sing...]
Eggman: Wait! [slight pause] ♪♫ Maria! ♪♫
Celes: ♪♫ Eggman, I've waited so long! I knew you'd come! ♪♫
Random Person D: ♪♫ Maria will finally have to become my queen! ♪♫
Eggman: ♪♫ For the rest of my life, I'll conquer the world... ♪♫
Random Person D: ♪♫ It's a duel! ♪♫
[Suddenly, Eggman pulls out a laser blaster and shoots Random Person D.]
Celes [wide-eyed]: Um, did you actually kill him?
Eggman: No worries, it was set to kill... oh, SHIT, IT SHOULD BE ON STUN! Wait, it is on stun, never mind... [looks up] Hey, what's that up there! [Shoots up, and a few seconds later... Ultros the giant purple annoying sentient octopus falls from above onto the ice.]
Ultros [groaning]: What'd you shoot me for? I was only watching this time! I was going to kill Terra and Celes AFTER the show!
Eggman: Terra, do you want to kill him or shall I?
Celes: What about me--
Eggman: QUIET, MARIA!!!
Cloud [pulling out his giant-ass Ultima Weapon]: Allow me. [Charges up Omni Slash and... well... let's just say that there isn't much of Ultros left anymore...]
Dan [as narrator]: Looks like Eggman and friend took care of Gersh's evil minion, Ultros! Later, Eggman left Maria because, as it turns out, she was a total freaking skank! [scene begins to fade out] Stay tuned, folks, for the next chapter begins in a couple of minutes!
Eggman [after lights fade]: Shit, could someone sweep up Ultros? Ran, you do it!
Ran [sad]: Since when did I become a janitor? I'm supposed to be a reporter!
[Davis is crying.]
Akuma [taken off guard]: What? What the hell is wrong with you?
Davis [crying]: It was so sad! She was such a skank, Akumie! [buries his face in Akuma's arm]
Akuma [slaps Davis away]: Don't TOUCH me, Davis!
Davis [suddenly giddy again]: You smell like death!
Akuma [asking people around]: Does anyone have any Ritalin I can give this hyper-ass kid? Anyone?
Sakura [petting Kirby]: You want some popcorn, Kirby?
Kirby [happy]: Sure! [Sakura drops some popcorn that Kirby sucks up]
Shaoron: Admittedly, he is pretty cute and all, but [pouting] I wanted some popcorn too!
[Sakura tosses some popcorn to Li who expertly catches it in his mouth.]
Eggman [out of nowhere]: Throw one here!
Sakura [she, Kirby, and Shaoron are surprised]: Eggman!?
Eggman: Now that I have your attention, come with me you three!
Tomoyo [dark voice]: Hello, Eggy-chan.
Eggman [equally void voice]: Hello, Tomoyo.
Tomoyo: You're looking well.
Eggman: You too.
Tomoyo: Alright, then.
Eggman: Tomoyo, I'm your father. Which is why you're acting evil right now.
Tomoyo [shock]: ... what... WHAT!? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Pedro [elsewhere]: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
Eggman: Yeah, it's true. [sinister] I wanted to name you Gertrude, so that everyone would hate you!
Sakura: Tomoyo-chan, he's not your father. The last time he called to check up on us, he told me that he was going to tell you this to make you crazier or something.
Eggman [disappointed]: Sakura, why'd you tell her? Oh, fair enough, she's your friend and all. See ya, Tomoyo! [walks off with Kirby in hand and Sakura and Shaoron following him]
Meilin: Tomoyo-chan, put down that sniper rifle. [trying to wrestle the sniper rifle away from her friend] Tomoyo-chan? Tomoyo-chan!?
[Backstage, the next scene is soon to start...]
Eggman: Sephiroth, are you done with our costumes yet?
Sephiroth: One second, Tomoyo's designs are hard to copy.
[Sephiroth is working on a star-themed blue outfit for Sakura (the one she wore at the *beginning* of the second movie). He just finished a regal knight-looking type outfit (with cape) for Li.]
Sakura [intimidated by Sephiroth]: Um, thank you Mr. Sephiroth.
[Sephiroth politely nods.]
Sonic: So, Sakura, how've you been since the Eggboy incident?
Sakura: Okay, I guess. The cards were restored, so I'm happy!
Eggman: Sakura, Shaoron, let's go! Kirby, guard Ran and make sure she works! [tosses his whip to Kirby]
Kirby [catches whip]: Alright, alright...
Ran [after Eggman leaves]: Now's my chance-- [whip cracks, nearly missing Ran's, um... face]
Kirby [demanding]: Quiet!
[Back on the ice, the next scene... begins! To the theme of the Japanese Card Captor Sakura song, Dreaming. We apologize to CCS fans in advance for this... Non-CCS fans may want to find this song first and listen to it. We might have a badly-done voice version of this on triplepeeps.com soon...]
[As the song begins, Eggman, Sakura, and Shaoron skate out, as Sakura creates scenery and action with the Create card.]
♪♫ It's alright, it's alright, it's alright, I will bring about miracles! ♪♫
Here we go!
♪♫ Here we go, here we go, here we go, spreading my wings! ♪♫
I'm sure that
♪♫ someplace, somewhere, I'll be waiting for the day to conquer the world! ♪♫
♪♫Do do do dreaming! Dreaming! And I'll conquer... all of the woooooorld! ♪♫
The Egg Carrier-shaped clouds, in the big blue sky...
The power about... to bubble from my hands!
I look like I am... going somewhere!
Conquering the wooooooooorld!
♪♫ It's alright, it's alright, it's alright, I will bring about miracles! ♪♫
Here we go!
♪♫ Here we go, here we go, here we go, spreading my wings! ♪♫
I'm sure that
♪♫ someplace, somewhere, I'll be waiting for the day to conquer the world! ♪♫
♪♫Do do do dreaming! Dreaming! And I'll conquer... all of the woooooorld! ♪♫
[Suddenly, a ship crashes through the roof of the stadium. Unusually, no one in the audience runs, as they think it's part of the act (it isn't). The ship lands on the ice next to Eggman, Sakura, and Shaoron. The ships doors open and hit Eggman as they do. Eggman looks annoyed.]
Eggman: OW! Grrr... who the fuck is ruining my ice show?
[Fifty space pirates (a la the Metroid series) come out and ominously surround our heroes.]
Sakura: Um, Eggman-kun, is this part of the show?
Eggman [looking around]: Um, er, sure it is!
Shaoron [knowing full well it isn't]: Oh, god...
Sakura [also knowing full well that this isn't part of the show]: Hoeee, I thought I was done fighting large scary things...
Eggman [confident]: Don't worry, they probably didn't come all this way to fight--
Space Pirate A [gruff alien-ish almost-demonic voice]: WE CAME TO FIGHT!!!
Space Pirate B [similar voice, but slightly different, like all the space pirates]: DR. EGGMAN, IT IS TIME TO DIE FOR DESTROYING OUR SHIP! [Eggman Adventures 4; go read it]
Eggman: Fine, fine. GET 'EM!!! [Charges forward]
Shaoron: Whatever. [makes his sword appear, and leaps into the fray, knocking space pirates left and right with his blade and spells]
Sakura [dodging several pirate guns and claws]: ARROW! [summons the Arrow card and knocks back several pirates]
[In the crowd]
Geese [paying close attention]: Wow, this is getting freaking interesting!!! YOU KILL 'EM, MAGICAL LITTLE GIRL!!! BOOYAH!!!
Space Pirate C [tapping Hotaru on the shoulder, speaking timidly]: Um, excuse me, I believe you're in my seat.
Hotaru [frightened]: Um, Rock? Mr. Howard?
Rock [to Space Pirate C]: Hey, buddy, get your own damn seat!
Space Pirate C: But this is a good seat and, um, I don't want to die down there...
Geese [grabs Space Pirate C]: Be a man, space boy! [throws the pirate back into the melee happening on the ice]
Space Pirate C [flying off]: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO--
Pedro [elsewhere in the crowd]: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
[Back on the ice, Sakura, Shaoron, and Eggman are slowly getting overwhelmed. They've gathered and are behind the barrier of Sakura's Shield card; it isn't stopping Eggman and Shaoron from firing out, though.]
Eggman [his last gun ran out of ammo just now]: What? I'm actually out of ammo? I never run out! Stupid gun! [throws the gun at a space pirate]
Space Pirate D [gets hit by gun]: OOOOWWWWWWW! [passes out]
Eggman: Sakura, skate behind them and use Erase! Shaoron and I will cover you! [jumps on a space pirate's back and starts biting said pirate's head]
Space Pirate E [freaking out as Eggman bites him]: AAAAAAH!!! COBRAS! COBRAS!!!
Space Pirate F: UH OH, FELDMAN'S HAVING NIGHT TERRORS AGAIN!
Sakura: His name is Feldman? [skates past pirates distracted by Eggman and Shaoron, and dodges the ones shooting at and/or taking swipes at her; summons Erase...] Take out the space pirates! ERASE!!!
[Ghostly snake-like tendrils surround all the space pirates on the ice and... well... makes them disappear violently]
Space Pirate A: MY LIFE'S FLASHING BEFORE MY EY-- [dies]
Space Pirate B: I WAS WRITING THE UNIVERSE'S GREATEST NOVEL-- [dies]
Space Pirate C [running away]: I WANTED A PLACE TO SIT DOW-- [dies]
Space Pirate E [swatting at nothing]: COBRAS! COBRAS! [dies]
[The rest of the 49 space pirates all vanish from existence. Wait a minute... 49!?]
Space Pirate X [digging through a cooler and find a watermelon to eat]: YES! [bites it] OH, THAT'S SO CRISP!
Kirby [with whip]: Hey, what are you doing in there?
Space Pirate X: OH C'MON, [Kirby readies whip] YOU'RE NOT GOING TO EAT ALL THAT WATERMELON-- [gets whipped in the eye] OOOOOOOOOWWWW!!! IT STINGS!!! IT STINGS!!!
Kirby: C'mon, Mr. space pirate, Eggman should have some work for you!
Space Pirate X [cupping eye]: AS LONG AS IT ISN'T PHYSICAL LABOR-- [Kirby readies whip again] I'LL BE GOOD!!!
[Applause. Dan comes out and announces again.]
Dan [proper emcee voice]: Thanks folks! This is the end of the first half of Eggman on Ice! We'll be taking a forty-five minute intermission now, so please relax and be back for the second half of Eggman... ON ICE!
[Applause again, as the lights come on and Ran and Space Pirate X prepare to clean up the ice. Oh, and Eggman already repaired the roof. Don't ask how.]
Space Pirate X: I HATE THIS WORK.
Ran: Tell me about it.
3 hours remain...
Samus [wearing a gown; talking to Kyosuke in the mezzanine]: So, how's your school going?
Kyosuke [sad]: Well, I left school. I'm three grades ahead of my level, so it's okay. I needed to get away after Batsu and I were forced to kill my possessed brother Hyo.
Samus [not expecting that]: ... ... This is why I don't talk a lot. But at least you're polite about it. Not like--
Mysterious Well Dressed Handsome Man: Hello. Which way to the concessions?
Samus [blushing slightly]: Oh, um, that way!
Mysterious Well Dressed Handsome Man: Thank you kindly, my lady. [bows and walks off]
Kyosuke [smiling slightly]: Have a crush, Ms. Aran?
Samus [covering it up]: No, no, don't be silly! On a totally unrelated topic, I'm going to get something to drink! You coming?
Kyosuke [shakes head]: Nah, I have a feeling that if I hang out here, I'll catch something interesting in the making.
Samus: Fair enough. See you. [she walks off]
[Just as she does so, Kyosuke spies Meta-Axe and Meta-Lance making a break for it. Kyosuke follows them.]
Kyosuke: Hey, where's your mace-wielding companion?
Meta-Lance: He insists on staying in the death trap, mate! He's a bleemin' fool if ya ask me!
Meta-Axe: We're looking for Sir Meta Knight! Have you seen 'im?
Kyosuke: 'Fraid not. [stops following them] Good luck!
Meta-Lance: Thanks, tall freak!
Meta-Axe: Don't worry, you'll get a girlfriend sometime within the next... forty years.
Kyosuke: What!? [to himself] Am I that boring?
Meilin [dragging Tomoyo away]: C'mon, Tomoyo-chan, you have to get some fresh air!
Tomoyo [kicking and screaming]: NO! MY RIFLE!!! SNIPEY-CHAN!!!
Kyosuke [to the girls]: Um, hello.
[Meilin and Tomoyo both faint from boredom. They're napping peacefully on the mezzanine floor.]
Kyosuke [getting scared]: Oh my god! I have to change or I'm going to be lonely for the rest of my life! Who can help me?... EGGMAN!!!
Eggman [right beside Kyosuke all of a sudden]: What's up, Kyosuke?
Kyosuke [shocked]: Whoa, Eggman, I didn't see you there! You used to be a player before, right?
Eggman: USED TO!? [slaps Kyosuke in the face] I still am, you younger-looking moustache-less version of me!
Kyosuke [holding face]: Okay, okay! So what advice can you give me?
Eggman [puts his arm around Kyosuke]: Be a Sega character! If not, then be yourself! This mysterious loner business is only good if you're in an RPG! Even, then, look at the lively characters! Vyse from Arcadia is polite and somewhat quiet, and he sleeps with at LEAST two chicks a night! Who taught him? [points at himself] Eggman! So, to sum things up, just relax and have some fun with it! But don't be disrespectful, otherwise I'll kill you! [pulls out gun] And I'm serious!
Kyosuke [grateful and scared]: Um, thank you very much, Dr. Eggman! I'll take that to heart! [Eggman's nowhere to be found] Dr. Eggman? Dr. Eggman!?
[Near the concessions, Samus has caught up with the handsome stranger.]
Mysterious Well Dressed Handsome Man [exceptionally polite without going overboard... like Roy!]: Well, looks like we meet again!
Samus [starting to flirt]: Indeed. And how do you know Dr. Eggman, Mr., um--
Mysterious Well Dressed Handsome Man: Raptor. Peregrine Raptor. I'm a... school teacher at Tomoeda Elementary in Tokyo. Pleased to meet you! [bows casually]
Samus [holds out her hand to take his]: Samus Aran, bounty hunter. The pleasure is mine.
Peregrine: A bounty hunter? How's the trade these days?
Samus: Okay, I guess. If it wasn't for lecherous fellow bounty hunters like Captain Falcon, it'd be perfect! Although I haven't heard from a space pirate in ages--
Space Pirate X [walking by]: OH, UM, HELLO SAMUS! ... ... THIS IS TOTALLY AWKWARD RIGHT NOW! TRUST ME, I'M NOT PLANNING TO KILL YOU! I'M DOING HONEST WORK THESE DAYS! STARTING TODAY! WELL--
Kirby [cracking whip]: GET GOING!
Knuckles [elsewhere; eating soft pretzels]: Yeah, we're hungry!
Space Pirate X [bows]: GOOD DAY SAMUS! [to Kirby] RIGHT AWAY, KIRBY SIR! [looks up] SERENITY NOW, SERENITY NOW, SERENITY NOW...
Peregrine: Wow, maybe the universe is starting to shape up for a change.
Samus: Yeah, maybe... [flirting some more, clearly interested in this handsome, polite, steady-job-holding man] Care to join me for a few drinks after the show?
Peregrine [smiling sincerely]: I can hardly wait!
[As Peregrine and Samus continue to talk...]
Shaoron [walks by; sees Peregrine]: Hey, it's sensei!
Sakura: Yes it is! But he seems so different without his--
Peregrine [to Samus]: One moment, Samus. [to Shaoron and Sakura] Konnichiwa, children!
Sakura: Um, it's evening, Ca--
Peregrine [suddenly]: Konbanwa, children! Gomen ne and such!
Shaoron [narrow eyed]: Um, you're scaring me not acting like your usual self--
Samus [interrupting]: Well, young man, people don't often act the same way when they're not working.
Sakura: She's right, Shaoron-kun!
Shaoron [still cynical; whispers to Sakura]: Even him, Sakura? You KNOW what he's like!
Sakura [whispering back]: Could it be the hel--
Peregrine [all of a sudden]: If you'll pardon me a moment. Samus. Shaoron. Sakura. [walks off]
Edge [outside; fighting stance with knives; facing Davis]: Time to get cut, punk!
Davis: OOOOOOooooo, a thug!
[Edge dashes at Davis and takes a swipe... only to have it skillfully blocked by Davis!? What?]
Edge [backs up a bit]: What? I don't suck THAT bad!
Davis [giddy]: Yeah, but I don't suck either! My mom, she said, "Davis, dammit, stop breaking shit around the house!" So she had the idea to put me in martial arts, and I learned everything at record speed!
Edge [looks up]: Good one, God.
[A few minutes later, Davis, relatively unscathed, walks off, leaving Edge in a... trash can.]
Akuma [to Davis]: My god, Davis, that was amazing!
Davis [giddy]: Akumie, Akumie, let's get candy!!!
Akuma [has a plan; puts his arm around Davis]: Now, Davis, see that group of people over there? [points to the Digimon crew]
Davis [usual self]: Yeah!
Akuma [reassuring tone]: Good! Good! Now, they are YOUR friends, kay? Got that?
Akuma [shoving Davis]: Now go hang out with YOUR friends! GO!
[Davis walks to the group and starts chatting... Akuma scrams.]
[Meanwhile, Daigo throws out a banana peel and notices that it lands on... Edge.]
Daigo [worried; picks up Edge]: Dear god, Edge, what have you been doing?
[In Edge's point-of-view/hallucination...]
Daigo [singing (think Beauty School Drop Out from Grease)]:
Your story's sad to tell
A teenage punk-do-well
Most mixed up, dumb delinquent
In the school!
Your future's so unclear now
What's left of your rep now
Can't even get a trade-in
On your knives!
[All the crossover characters in this fic up to this point are singing in Edge's hallucination.]
Ky [prim and proper]: ♪♫ La
Geese [obnoxious]: ♪♫ La la la
Knuckles [um, Knuckles]: ♪♫ La la la
Sakura [good singing voice]: ♪♫ La la laaaaaaaaa!
Kirby [cute]: ♪♫ La la la la la la
Space Pirate X [demonic]: ♪♫ LA LA LA LA LA LA
Pedro [too loud]: ♪♫ LA LA LA LA LA LA LAAA!
Gedo High Edge
No graduation day for you
Gedo High Edge
Skipped your mid-terms, flunked everything!
Well at least you could have taken time
To get off your ass and clean up
After spending all my dough
To have the doctor fix your wounds up!
Daigo [continuing]: ♪♫ Eiji get moving!
Akira [nice singing voice]: ♪♫ Eiji get moving!
Daigo: ♪♫ Why keep your crappy hopes alive? ♪♫ What are you proving?
Roy [gallantly]: ♪♫ What are you proving?
You've got no dreams, neither the drive!
If you go for your diploma
You could actually be of use
Turn in your rusty knife and get your ass to class!
Hotsuma [not enthused]: ♪♫ Laa la--
Farah [decent]: ♪♫ La la la la la la LA!
Daigo: ♪♫ Gedo High Edge!
Shadow [off key]: ♪♫ Gedo High Edge!
Daigo: ♪♫ Hangin' around the corner store ♪♫ Gedo High Edge!
Cloud [not singing; doesn't care]: Hello, Edge.
It's about time you knew the score
Well they couldn't teach you anything
You think you have such good luck
But realize you have no friends now
Because you're... such a dumb fuck!
Edge [totally lost out in left field]: Huh? What?
Daigo: ♪♫ Eiji don't sweat it!
Samus [very good singing voice]: ♪♫ Don't sweat it!
Daigo: ♪♫ You're not cut out to compete with Roy ♪♫ Eiji forget it!
Captain Falcon [over-doing it]: ♪♫ For-get it!
Daigo: ♪♫ Who wants their hair done by a slob--
Edge [confused]: Um, but I'm not a hairstylist-- [gets interrupted]
Now you're such a jerk, your knife is warped, and still Roy's better than you...
Wipe off that stupid look and get your ass to class
Eiji don't blow it
Don't put my good advice to shame
Eiji you know it
Even Dear Eggman sez the same
Now I've called the shot, get off your pot, I really gotta fly
Gotta be goin' to that ice show iiiiiiiiin the skyyyyyyyyy
Edge [STILL confused, but sort of learning]: Um, you're not dead!
Daigo: ♪♫ Gedo High Edge
Vectorman [monotone robot voice]: ♪♫ Gedo High Edge
Daigo: ♪♫ Get your ass to class... ♪♫ Gedo High Edge
Terra [nice]: ♪♫ Gedo High Edge
Daigo: ♪♫ Get your ass to class... ♪♫ Gedo High Edge
Ganondorf [gruff and loud]: ♪♫ Gedo High Edge
Daigo [very nice]: ♪♫ Get your ass toooooooo claaaaaaassssssss... ♪♫
[Edge sees Eggman, Bowser, and Il Palazzo, all chibi with wings, holding a ribbon that says "Eggman on Ice" in bright, bold letters.]
Bowser: You're hallucinating again!
Il Palazzo: Not a good sign--
[Next, the three collide into a pile of man, turtle, wings, and pain.]
Eggman [whining]: Ooooooow, my neck!
Daigo: Edge... Edge...
Edge: What did you just say, boss?
Daigo [angry]: I said to get your ass back inside, dumb ass! The show's about to start!
Edge [getting up]: Oh, right!
2 and a half hours remain...
Akuma [taking his seat]: Finally.
Davis [already beside him]: Welcome back, Akumie!
Akuma: Hey, Davis. [realization] DAVIS! DIDN'T I POINT OUT YOUR FRIENDS?
Davis [thinking]: Yeah, but they told me to sit with you! They said you were lonely! And they said that I should help those that are lonely--
Akuma [slapping forehead]: Who told you that?
Davis: Hmm, Joe.
Akuma [evil smile]: Is Gomamon feeling better?
Davis: Well, yeah, sure he is!
Akuma: Remind me to kill Gomamon when we get back to Japan. I have a feeling that you'll be coming with me.
Davis [happy]: Consider it done!
[Elsewhere, others are taking their seats...]
Reid [calm as usual; looking around]: Where'd Farah go? I have a leopard-print bikini for her to try on!
Keele: She told me that she was going "undercover."
Meredy: Meredy thinks that it isn't good!
Keele [annoyed]: You can say "YEAH" in English, now, Max.
Aeris [cuddling Meta Chain to the point that he can't breathe]: And I will love you and squeeze you and stroke you and choke you and...
Meta Chain [freaking out]: I CANNOT TAKE THIS ANYMORE! [ditches the baby garb and runs off]
Aeris [crying]: But, baby, come back!
Sephiroth [puts his hand on Aeris's shoulder]: Let him go. In the future, he'll look back on this day and remember the proud "mommy" that, well let's face it, damn well tried to kill him.
Aeris [happy; hugs Sephiroth]: You're a good father, Sephy!
Sephy [drooling]: I'm even better in the sack!
Aeris: Pardon me?
Cloud [holding head in pain]: AAAAAAAAAH!!! MENTAL IMAGES!!!
[Terry takes his seat.]
Geese [loud and obnoxious as usual]: DAMN, BOGARD, YOU GOT A BLADDER CONTROL ISSUE OR A DEAD FATHER OR SOMETHING!?
[Terry ignores this.]
Hotaru [angry]: Mr. Howard, seriously, that's enough!
Geese [looks at Hotaru funny]: Are you coming on to me?
Rock [surprised]: DAD, NO!
Geese [fatherly voice]: Now listen here, woman, I may be 110% man, but that's my SON you're thinking of cheating on! And with his OWN FATHER! SHAME!!!
Hotaru [almost in tears]: But, no, Mr. Howard!
Geese: But nothing! If you betray my son, I'll... I'LL... [Geese backhands... Terry]
Terry [holding face]: OOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW!!!
Geese [threatening]: Now that was a warning slap, you harpy! [Geese sits back down, calmly]
Rock [to Hotaru]: Um, I have no idea whether I should be mad for him accusing you of cheating, or happy that he defended me...
Hotaru: Maybe we better just sit.
Rock: Good enough for me--
[Geese is snoring.]
Il Palazzo [the Chao are pulling his hair]: Ow ow ow ow ow ow OW OW OW!!! STOP IT, YOU LITTLE HELLIONS!!! [to Bowser] The [pull] ow Chao are [pull] ow getting restless [really hard pull] OW!!! THAT'S IT, NO ICE CREAM AFTER THE SHOW!
Juki [sad]: But we wanted ice cream--
Bowser [loud]: YEAH, WE WANT ICE CREAM!!!
Il Palazzo [confused and irritated]: Am I the only adult here? Fine, after the show.
Bowser/Juki/Shade [polite/cute/Bowser]: Thank you!
[At freaking long last, the show's about the begin anew! The lights dim, the spotlights come back, and... there's a TREE in the center of the ice!]
Dan [narrating]: After his zany life, his torrid affair with Maria, and many, many threesomes--
Eggman [backstage]: I had sex?
Dan [continuing]: --he began wandering amongst the stars. Soon, he met a new ally... [spotlight appears on the ice, right on...] KIRBY!
[People cheer the popular Nintendo hero.]
[Kirby skates off and then on skates, wearing Eggman garb, Matt LeBlanc (Friends). He's playing Eggman for some reason, and only in this scene.]
Sakura [backstage]: Um, Eggman-kun, why is he playing you?
Eggman [leaning down to hear her]: Only for this scene. I want to confuse the audience.
Shaoron [also there]: And why do you still need us backstage?
Eggman [serious]: Do you sense something?
Shaoron: NO-- [concentrates for a moment] wait... Yes! Yes I do! There's something... evil in this arena.
Eggman: Yes, and I may need you two to help me destroy it. Will you do it?
Sakura and Shaoron: Hai!
Space Pirate X: HAI!!!
[Upon hearing that, Shaoron jumps eight feet into the air; Eggman catches Shaoron.]
Sakura [happy]: Oh, don't be scared, Li-kun! He's cute!
Space Pirate X [blushing and giggling demonically]: hehehehe OH MY!!!
[Back on the ice, the scene being shown is straight from Triple Peeps' original chapter of Eggman Adventures ("My Pop-Star Adventure!").]
Matt LeBlanc [as Eggman; overly dramatic]: My god, someone's going to attack Kirby! I knew I shouldn't have left that experienced adventurer alone!
Kirby [backstage]: Eggman, that's actually what you said?
[Back on the ice, Matt LeBlanc skates into the tree on center ice.]
Matt LeBlanc: Ow, my face. [a person's face shows on one of the prop tree's holes] What the?
Random Person D [playing Wispy Woods; stupid sounding high voice, just like Wispy Woods in our fic]: Haloo! I am Wispy Woods! I'm going to fight you now!
Matt LeBlanc: Get out of the way! Kirby's in danger!
Random Person D: Haloo! WOOOOOOO!!! [starts throwing prop apples]
[Matt LeBlanc catches one and throws it back.]
Random Person D: WOOOOOO!!!
Matt LeBlanc: I don't have time for this! [pulls out an ACTUAL flamethrower and starts burning the prop tree]
Random Person D [actually suffering]: WOOOOOO!!! IT'S BURNING! IT'S BUR-- [the prop tree turns to ashes]
[All are in shock as they saw Random Person D get burned to nothing.]
Sonic [backstage]: Eggman, you actually killed him!
Eggman [calm]: Don't worry! There's a trap door under the ice! He's fine!
Knuckles [backstage; calm]: Oh, yeah, I forgot to build the trap door.
Eggman [still calm]: I thought you would, idiot, so I made him an asbestos suit.
Random Person D [rising from the ashes, like some sort of gay phoenix]: I'M OKAY!
Matt LeBlanc [to the crowd]: He's okay, folks!
[The crowd starts cheering as Matt LeBlanc leaves, carrying Random Person D. Eggman skates on with Kirby.]
Kirby [reading lines from Eggman's script]: Wow, Eggman, you sure are great.
Eggman [pleased]: Why, thank you, Kirby! You're my friend, too!
Kirby [continuing to read]: Who are your two best friends, Eggman?
Eggman [to the crowd]: Well, it would have to be my two best buds since kindergarten, Bowser and Il Palazzo!
[The spotlight shines on the crowd, where a smiling Bowser and a surprised Il Palazzo are the spotlight's target. Juki and Shade start waving, and Pedro isn't there at the moment.]
Eggman [excited]: Come on down, you two, you're both in the next scene!
Bowser [giddy]: YAAAAAAAAAY!!!
Il Palazzo [not enthused]: NO, EGGMAN!!!
Eggman [appealing to the crowd]: Oh c'mon, you fuckers! Do you want to see these two perform?
[The crowd goes nuts.]
Il Palazzo [getting up]: FINE, WE'RE COMING DOWN!
Juki and Shade [sitting in Bowser and Il Palazzo's seats]: We keep seats warm!
[As Bowser and Il Palazzo leap over the walls in front of their front-row seats...]
Il Palazzo [suddenly gaining skates and courage]: Maestro!
[The music changes to... something that sounds like Forgot About Dre?]
Il Palazzo [rapping fairly quickly]:
Nowadays everybody wants to talk
Like they got something to say
But nothing comes out
When they move their lips
Just a bunch of gibberish
Other than that
They forgot about Egg!
[Now the music sounds like Tenacious D's Tribute.]
Il Palazzo [shocked]: But I wasn't finished--
Eggman [shoving Il Palazzo out of the way]: You had your turn!
Bowser [not singing, as much of Tribute is spoken]: This is the greatest man in the world... Dr. Eggman. Long time ago me and Illy and Eggy here, we was hitchhikin' down a long and lonesome road. All of a sudden, there was a large... bus... in the middle... of the road. And the bus driver said, "HEY, GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY, YOU DAMN HOBOS!!!" We looked at each other, we stood our ground. And needless to say... we made that bus explode!
[A scene using the Create and Return cards (by Sakura) showed the audience what happened that day. Eggman started shooting at the bus, whilst Bowser breathed large flames. Il Palazzo used a gun and shot orbs of power from his hands. The bus and its driver... did not survive.]
[Meanwhile, in the crowd...]
Daigo [to Akira]: You see good in him?
Akira [to Daigo]: He's just rebelling against a corrupt transit system. That bus driver probably had it coming.
Daigo [confused]: Probably, Akira?
[Akira smiles sweetly. Daigo... doesn't understand.]
Ky [to Jam]: I remember when Eggman joined the Order. He ran off with the Egg-seal, and we never saw it again. Later, we discovered that he was given the Egg-seal, but wanted to "confuse me."
Jam [to Ky]: You're cute when you're serious!
Ky [blushing]: Um, anyway, perhaps we should OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL IS EGGMAN DOING!!!?
[Back on the ice, we see that a part of Eggman's outfit caught on one of Bowser's tail spikes, then ripped off, leaving our favorite egg-shaped evil scientist quite naked.]
Bowser [shocked]: YOU TOLD US YOU WERE WEARING UNDERWEAR THIS TIME!!!
Il Palazzo [also shocked]: WE'VE UNLEASHED THE BEAST!!
Eggman [clueless/naked]: What? [looks down] Oh, shit! I know how to get the crowd back on my side now that I'm all flabby, sweaty, and naked; back flips!
Il Palazzo [hiding his eyes]: NO, EGGMAN!!!
[As Eggman performs graceful back flips, saying "HUP!" as he performs each one, most of the crowd looks away in disgust.]
[In the crowd...]
Daigo [to Akira, but looking away from the ice]: What about now, Akira? That's pretty fiendish!
Akira [not fazed]: You have to admire Eggman's courage for trying to salvage the show.
Roy [also unfazed]: Agreed! What valiant intentions!
Ganondorf [near tears]: GAAAAAAAAAAH!!! I'VE LOST MY INNOCENCE!!!
Edge: Yeah, even more so! [to Gan] Hey, Gan, see how I zinged powerful evil Ganondorf-- [Gan's run off; Edge turns around to see... angry powerful evil Ganondorf] DON'T MURDER ME!!!
Shaoron [covering eyes]: Is it over yet?
Sakura [also covering eyes]: I don't know! YOU check!
Shaoron: SCREW THAT!!!
Geese [watching the whole thing]: I wish I wasn't awake right now.
Rock [ditto]: Agreed. For once.
Terry [feeling like a smart ass]: Heh, what's wrong, Geese? You prefer the sight of fat naked men!? Fat naked EGG men!?
Geese: THAT'S WHAT YO' DADDY SAID WHEN I WENT DOWN ON HIM!!!
Terry [tears]: SO YOU WERE "VACUUM SALESMAN?" [runs off crying]
Hotaru [deeply disturbed]: This is getting deeply disturbing...
Geese [hearty laugh; having the time of his life]: HAHAHAHAHA!!! [playfully elbowing Hotaru] Hey, Hotaru how about I get him for your stagette party? He and I will show you and your girlfriends a wild and crazy time!
Rock [tearing gaze away from flipping Eggman]: DAD, ENOUGH!!!
Meta Knight [shaking head in shame]: This is not honorable...
Sephiroth: Why am I here?
[Back on the ice, Eggman just finished his 49th back flip, and is about to do one more, when he lands, face first, with his ass in the air.]
Tails [to Amy; backstage]: Amy, can I look under your skirt to get the memory of... [points to Eggman] THAT... out of my head?
Amy [angry]: NO! Go take Eggman this uniform! [hands Tails a replacement Eggman outfit, but Tails shoves it back at her]
Tails: No way in hell I'm going near... THAT. YOU go put that on his icy naked body!
Space Pirate X [on a walkie-talkie]: UM... BURN THAT ICE.
1 and a half hours remain...
Dan [to the audience]: And now, while Eggman gets into something more appropriate other than... naked... please give a warm multi-verse welcome to *NSYNC!!!
[The crowd cheers as *NSYNC comes on stage. They prepare to talk...]
Justin: Greetings, folks!
Lance Bass: Before we begin, allow me to say that we and Dr. Eggman have finally KILLED the Backstreet Boys!
[Crowd cheers madly. Check Cronies 4, found under our section at FanFiction.Net, or soon on triplepeeps.com, for more details on how *NSYNC knows Eggman...]
Sephiroth [eying Lance Bass with murderous rage]: YOU!!!
[Back when we wrote Cronies 4, we had heard that Lance Bass was to voice a Squaresoft "favorite" in Kingdom Hearts. In said Cronies chapter, we assumed that "favorite" was Cloud Strife. Turned out it was Sephiroth that Lance voiced, and rather well, actually. Note that CMA is STILL not a big *NSYNC fan... But we digress; Sephiroth was rather angry that Lance did this, even though they sound almost alike...]
[ANYWHO, *NSYNC does It's Gonna Be Me. As they sing, Sephiroth slowly makes his way to the ice, then he's on stage. *NSYNC stops singing at the sight of Sephiroth drawing his long-ass katana.]
Sephiroth [loud enough for the crowd to hear]: TIME TO DIE, BASS!!!
Lance Bass [starting to run]: OH, NO, NOT AGAIN!!!
JC: Guys, what should we do?
Justin [cupping hands over mouth]: GET 'EM, SEPHIROTH!
Chris: WRONG ONE!
Joey [unenthused; doesn't care]: Guys, I think we should actually help him. BY SUCKING-- I MEAN, SINGING!!!
[They start to sing a little song we like to call Veni Veni Bye Bye Bye; it's a mix of Sephiroth's operatic themes and *NSYNC's Bye Bye Bye and Gone. We apologize in advance.]
*NSYNC [singing as Lance Bass desperately dodges Sephiroth's blade]:
Veni, veni, bye bye bye!
Ne me mori faci-GONE!
[It goes on...]
Sephiroth [grabbing Bass by the collar and about to kill him]: Any last words?
Lance Bass [trying to reason]: C'mon, Sephiroth! I jumped at the chance to voice you when Squaresoft asked me! I mean, you're so cool! And our voices sound so much alike!
Sephiroth [realization that he DOES sound just like Lance Bass; lets him go]: Oh my god, I DO sound like him! I'm losing my individuality! WHO AM I!!!?
*NSYNC: ♪♫ SEPHIROTH!!! ♪♫
[Sephiroth screams and runs off.]
[In the crowds...]
Akuma [confused]: Why are YOU sitting here, as well?
Terry [sad]: I needed to get away from Geese...
Akuma [sad]: First I'm stuck with a hyper-ass little kid, and now I'm stuck with a whiny-ass little man. Lovely.
Davis [in Akuma's face]: ISN'T IT? [drops some chocolate ice cream on Akuma's lap]
Akuma [shock]: GAAAAAAH THAT'S COLD!
Davis: Aw, nothing gets chocolate out! See? [Davis turns around and his whole BACK is, like, one big chocolate stain]
Akuma [rage]: Messatsu--
[Back on the ice, Sonic and Shadow skate out, flatly reading lines from a sheet of paper.]
Sonic [no emotion]: Oh, my, god, Shadow, look at his ass. It is so big.
Shadow [confused as to why this is written how it is]: He looks like one of those... rap guy's girlfriends? [scans ahead a bit; cannot believe this] YOU'RE A STUPID FUCK, EGGM--
[Suddenly Eggman starts singing, skating out in the dancer outfit from Final Fantasy Tactics (yes, the female dancer). He's singing Eggy Got Back, a... spin-off of the actual Baby Got Back.]
Eggman [shaking ass]:
I like my arse and I cannot lie!
You other brothers can't deny
That when Eggy ain't got that itty-bitty waist
And my round thing in your face
You get SPRUNG!
Wanna make it rough
Cause, you know, my butt ain't stuffed!
Deep in the pants you're wearin'
You're hooked and you can't stop starin'!
Oh baby, I'm gonna conquer!
Ladies, let your guys scronk ya!
The Cronies tried to warn me
But my arse makes me so horny!
Oooh, sandpaper skin!
Don't kick me in the shin!
Well, use me, use me
'Cause I'm no average groupie
You seen me dancin'
The fuck with romancin'
I'm DRY! DRY!
AND THE SMALL ANIMALS WILL DIE!
I'm tired of all you teens
Not doing the nasty thing!
Take your average Eggman and all that
And you know I pack that much back!
So, fellahs! [Bowser/Illy say "YEAH!"] Fellahs! ["YEAH!"]
Does your pal Eggy have that back!? ["WE GUESS SO!]
Whaddaya mean? I'm the roundest thing here!
Kirby, no offense to you!
EGGY GOT BACK!--
[Mercifully, Eggman's interrupted when a yoyo beans him in the head. Out skates none other than everyone's favorite cute little hot girl, until they figure out she's actually a MAN, Bridget from Guilty Gear X2.]
Bridget [sorta happy]: All right, I got him! That Farah lady's gotta pay up, now!
Eggman [murderous rage]: FARAH sent you? Time to get beat, BOY!!! [Eggman grabs the yoyo and, with one mighty (eggy?) pull, send Bridget flying... to the catwalk on the roof]
Shadow [confused]: That was a man? I'm gonna wash my eyes!
Sonic [explaining]: Name's Bridget. He's a bounty hunter. Apparently Farah hired him to kill Eggman. I guess he's not getting paid for this one.
Bridget [hanging from catwalk, tied up in his own yoyo strings; no one can hear him]: Um, a little help? ... Hello? ... Anyone? ... God?
Eggman [this is to the tune of Look at Me, I'm Sandra Dee from Grease]:
Look at me, I'm Eggy-chan
I have guns that are bigger than
That man's <expletive bleeped out [how?]> and I don't give a f- <bleeped out>
WATCH IT! Why do you hate me?
I was brought up instantly [What!?]
Won't come across
With my guns and my lust--
Cronies/Space Pirate X/Kirby: ♪♫ You are the Eggy-chaaaaan! ♪♫
I shoot birds, I get drunk, I give off a nasty funk
I get ILL from Sonic's brand of justice!
KEEP your FILTHY paws off my silky drawers!
[no longer singing; ranting quickly] What kind of sick fuck goes around doing that, going around pulling down people's silky drawers and what not?
♪♫ [continuing to sing]
As for you, Sonic's crew
You stop me, I irritate you!
You have no guts and Amy has no BUST! [Amy looks embarrassed; ignore the fact that she has quite the sizable chest for her size]
Cronies/Space Pirate X/Kirby: ♪♫ You're just the Eggy-chan! ♪♫
[As the song continues, let's look at some of the other bodies and what they're doing...]
Geese [to Rock]: Rock, I bet you have so much sex, you put the "ho" in "Hotaru."
Rock [not expecting this at all; trying to watch the show]: Dad, seriously, random observations aren't good all the time.
Geese [stunned]: They're not? [looking around] WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME?
Rock [pissed]: Oh, for FUCK'S SAKE, DAD, SHUT UP!!!
[Near the concessions...]
Edge: So, did you take out Roy like we planned?
TK: Actually, he was nice! I didn't have the heart. Besides, a) Patamon couldn't take him, and b) apparently you can't take Davis.
Edge [embarrassed]: Keep it down! YOU should have told me that your Davis friend knew complex and powerful martial arts!
TK [genuinely confused]: What!? He knows martial arts!? Eh, whatever. See you later, Edge.
Edge [grabs TK's shoulder]: WHOA whoa, there, Teeks. I *attempted* to beat the crap out of Davis. YOU should ATTEMPT to kill Roy for me!
TK: Actually, Edge, Patamon was honest-to-goodness gonna Digivolve and fight Roy, but then Roy came up to me, instantly recognized me for some reason, and showed me how to prove to Kari--and Yolei, and Sora, and Mimi--that I'm NOT gay! I'm gonna get laid for days at a time! [counting on fingers] Kari tonight, Yolei tomorrow, Sora AND Mimi TOGETHER the day after! [shakes Edges shoulders] TWO WOMEN, DUDE! Roy can help you, too!
[Edge gives a death glare to TK.]
TK [slightly nervous]: Well, um, er, I'm off! [he's off]
Edge [about to leave the stadium, defeated, but then, he looks serious, and looks around]: Dark power? Here? If Yukito's here, Sakura must be here too! She probably sensed this already... I have to find her--
Peregrine [walking by with Samus]: Howdy, young man!
Edge [looking at Peregrine for a moment, then...]: OH MY GOD! YOU'RE PHOENIX FROM THE NEW F-ZERO GAME! I LOVE THAT GAME!
Samus [confused]: It isn't out yet...
Peregrine [mad at the mention of Phoenix, but not showing it]: Samus, is that a squirrel?
Samus [looks away]: In here?
[Quickly, Peregrine elbows Edge in the head so fast that not even Edge sees it coming. The blow was perfect; only slight bruising and no blood. Edge is unconscious on the floor.]
Peregrine [picks up Edge]: Oh my god, this boy needs a doctor!
Samus [looking over Edge]: Let's take him to Eggman! I have a backstage pass!
Dan [to Ran]: So are we related or not?
Ran [to Dan]: Shut the fuck up, Dan.
Tails [bored]: So, what are your hobbies?
Space Pirate X: I ENJOY READING AND A GOOD BATH NOW AND THEN. I'M ALSO SURPRISINGLY TIDY.
Peregrine [running in, carrying Edge]: Where's Dr. Eggman?
Sakura: Edge-kun! What happened to him?
Peregrine [lying]: He collapsed.
Samus: Look, he's coming to! [to Edge] You okay, boy?
Edge [groggy]: Oh, my cranium... [sees Sakura; speaks in a panic] SAKURA! There's dark forces something bad's gonna happen I don't wanna die!
Sakura [with Shaoron]: We know, Edge-kun.
Shaoron [to Edge]: Didn't I tell you that magic practice would pay off someday?
Edge [confused; scratching head]: I study magic? Maybe THAT'S why I have this picture of me casting Thunderbolt. [shows a picture of Edge casting Thunderbolt on a slab of wood that explodes into flames]
Samus [looking around]: Where'd Peregrine go?
Sakura [to Shaoron]: Maybe he's stronger with the helm--
Shaoron [interrupting]: Just what I thought, actually. We may need his power.
[To the audience...]
Akira [to Daigo]: I have to use the lady's room. I'll be back.
[After she leaves, and as the song continues, a large monitor starts to show scenes from Eggman's life (some are from our fics). Including...]
* Taking out an aviary (along with the birds) with Il Palazzo and Bowser.
* Throwing small animals at a bear; said bear is eating the animals being thrown (Cronies 5).
* Destroying a bus (Eggman on Ice; scroll up a few pages).
* Taking over the Moon Kingdom with Il Palazzo and Bowser.
* Drinking Tails's milk and running to the mall's bathroom as others desperately ran out (Cronies 5).
* Sneaking into the Cronari (Cronies 2).
* Stealing Quickie (Sonic Iron Chef).
* Backhanding Tails in the face for no apparent reason.
* Doing naked back flips (again, scroll up; actually, don't).
* And more...
[Back on stage, the song has "melded" into the tune of to the Reprise version of Look at Me, I'm Sandra Dee...]
Shadow [singing]: ♪♫ Eggy, you must start anew... ♪♫
Tails [wasn't he backstage?]: ♪♫ Don't you know what you must do? ♪♫
Knuckles: ♪♫ Hold your head high-- ♪♫
Space Pirate X [again, wasn't he backstage?]: ♪♫ TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND SIGH!!! ♪♫
Sonic [sounding unusually... evil]: ♪♫ Goodbyyyyyyyyyyyyeeee to Eeeeeeeggy-chaaaaaaaaaaaan!!! ♪♫
Sakura [impressed]: Wow, Sonic's a good singer!
Sonic [right beside her]: I'm a good singer?
Sakura [looks at the Sonic beside her, then at the one on the ice]: Wait a minute; if you're here, who's that?
[The "Sonic" on the ice pulls out a gun... and SHOOTS Dr. Eggman!!! The crowd gasps... all is tense...]
[The fake Sonic unzips its Sonic costume (life like in every way) to reveal... Farah!]
Farah [maniacal laugh]: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I DID IT! I KILLED HIM! I HAD TO MYSELF, NO THANKS TO THAT [looks up] SHITTY BOUNTY HUNTER!
Bridget [voice barely audible]: Sorry...
Eggman [gets up; slaps gun out of Farah's hand]: OOWWWWWWWWW!!! Farah, that fucking hurt! Why'd you fire a rubber bullet at me, anyway?
Farah [losing it]: Rubber? WHY AREN'T YOU DEAD!?
Shadow [to Farah]: Wow, how'd you stuff that giant orange dress into that smallish Sonic outfit?
Sonic [skating out]: YOU THOUGHT THAT WAS ME? SINCE WHEN COULD I SING LIKE THAT?
Farah [skating off]: I'll be back for you Eggman! You win this round, but the war isn't over!
Eggman [waving happily]: Bye Farah! See you later!
Akira [taking her seat again]: Did I miss anything?
Daigo [shaking head in shame]: Nothing.
30 minutes remain...
Rouge [bored]: So what's the next scene, Eggman?
Sonic [angry]: And it better be decent and whole-assed!
[Eggman points to a giant tub of grease, then points to himself.]
Tails [frightened]: Oh dear god.
Eggman [rips off all but his (newfound) boxers]: GREASE ME UP, KNUCKLES AND RAP CREW!!!
Knuckles [with the crew]: All right, guys, dig deep.
[To the tune of Greased Lightning from Grease; also there's an Eggmobile on the ice...]
Knuckles: Why this mobile is automatic...
Knuckles's Rap Crew: It's systematic, yo!
Space Pirate X: IT'S HYYYYYYDROMATIC!!!
Sonic [regretting what he's going to say]: Why, it's greased Eggman!
Eggman [greasy and only in boxers and skates; slides onto the ice]: ♪♫ Get ready for something that will conquer all the world! ♪♫
Rouge: ♪♫ Keep talking, UGH [grossed out], keep talking! ♪♫
Eggman: ♪♫ Now you'll see all my dastardly plans come unfurled! ♪♫
Shadow [getting WAY too into this]: ♪♫ I HEAR THE MONEY! OH, I HEAR THE MONEY!!! ♪♫
With you fools all in my hands, I shall conquer all the lands!
You know that it ain't shit when I say "Don't touch my tits!"
It's Greased Eggman!
Go! Go! Go!
Go Go Go Go Go Go Go Go!!!
Eggman: ♪♫ Go Greased Eggman, you're burning up the floor oh my! ♪♫
Others: ♪♫ Greased Eggman! Go, Greased Eggman! ♪♫
Eggman: ♪♫ Go Greased Eggman, you're killing things left and right! ♪♫
Others: ♪♫ Greased Eggman! Go, Greased Eggman! ♪♫
Eggman: ♪♫ It is my dream... to make them SCREAM... for Greased Eggman! ♪♫
Go! Go! Go!
Go Go Go Go Go Go Go Go!!!
Eggman [with tail lights on his boxers all of a sudden]: ♪♫ I'll get some egg-shaped tail lights and thirty inch guns, oh yeah! ♪♫
Others [pardon us, this is difficult to type...]:
Ooo Ooo Ooo!
Oo Oo Oo Oo Oo Ooooo!
Eggman [somehow holding a coffee mug and cannons in an instant]: ♪♫ A coffee mug holder and dual twin cannons, oh my! ♪♫
Ooo Ooo Ooo!
Oo Oo Oo Oo Oo Ooooo!
With new radars, spikes, and flames
I will soon get all the dames!
You know that Reid ain't braggin' when he says Farah's a pussy wagon
[In the crowd...]
Reid [to Farah]: Babe, did you and Eggman used to go out or something?
Farah [murderous rage]: Shut. Up. Reid.
[Back to the ice...]
Eggman: ♪♫ Go Greased Eggman, you're burning up the floor oh my! ♪♫
Others: ♪♫ Greased Eggman! Go, Greased Eggman! ♪♫
Eggman: ♪♫ Go Greased Eggman, you're killing things left and right! ♪♫
Others: ♪♫ Greased Eggman! Go, Greased Eggman! ♪♫
Eggman: ♪♫ It is my dream... to make them SCREAM... for Greased Eggman! ♪♫
3 minutes remain...
[Eggman and much of the cast, including Sonic and crew, Sakura, Shaoron, Kirby, Bowser, Il Palazzo, Dan 'n' Ran, Terra, Celes, Cloud, *NSYNC, and the rest of the performers, are all on the ice as the crowd's cheers die down.]
Eggman [announcing]: Thank you, thank you! Thank you all for coming out tonight! The show's almost done, but it wouldn't have been possible without... me.
Il Palazzo [beside Eggman]: This was a waste of my time! I could have been conquering Spain right now!
[The crowd laughs at this.]
Il Palazzo [confused]: I'm serious.
Eggman [to Sonic]: Sonic! Why don't you say a little bit about me?
Sonic [put on the spot]: What? Um, fine! I've known Eggman for a long, long time. We have the same birthday, you see. He gave me bombs for a present once. I gave him health food.
Eggman: I flushed that down the toilet!
Sonic: Likewise. Anywho, Eggman may be a scientist, a communist, an asshole, a conquistador, a camera man, a budding commercial director, a porn star, a communist, but he is NOT a pervert.
Eggman: Quite true!
Bowser [confused]: You were a porn star?
Eggman [dodging the question]: We have a few minutes left, so I figured I'd do a scene from Macbeth!
Knuckles [freaking out]: NO YOU FOOL! THAT'S BAD LUCK!
Eggman: Oh, fuck, it works. [spotlight shines on him] Fair is foul and foul is fair! Hover through the fog and filthy air!
[Suddenly, the rubber ducky appears on the ice. It starts to glow with evil power...]
Eggman [focused]: Sakura, Shaoron, is this the evil force?
Edge [next to Sakura]: That's the thing that I sensed!
Tails [surprised]: The rubber ducky?
Knuckles [angry]: I TOLD you that play was cursed! But NO! NO ONE listens to dumbass Knuckles! Fuckers! Now you ALL deserve to die!
[The ducky starts to freakishly mutate and growl grossly...]
[In the crowds...]
Nabeshin [panicking]: That thing... it's ready NOW? It's too soon!
Akira: Why is Edge down there?
Daigo [thinking]: Hmm... he's either there because he had advance knowledge of this strange duck... or that dumb fuck is going to get us all killed!
[The ducky starts glowing more and roaring madly as it explodes. From it emerge a burning-skeleton-type demon (Steel God A), a metal-knight-type demon (Steel God B), and a zombie-dragon-type demon (Steel God C). Each one is metal-clad and several stories tall. The motivation for this comes from the song Steel Gods of the Last Apocalypse by Rhapsody. For maximum effect, find the song and listen to it as you read this.]
Geese [freaking out; everyone can hear him]: HOLY SHIT! IT'S THE STEEL GODS OF THE LAST APOCALYPSE, COME TO INFLICT REVENGE UPON THE EARTH FOR DESTROYING THE LANDS FROM WHENCE THEY CAME!
Rock [confused]: Pardon me?
Geese [pissed]: DESTROY MY PLANET, WILL YOU? C'MON, BOY, LET'S KICK SOME DEMONIC ASS!
Rock [to the crowd]: OKAY, PEOPLE, I DON'T THINK THIS IS AN ACT! I THINK WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO FIGHT THOSE THINGS!
[Back on the ice...]
Steel God A [pointing at Eggman]: YOU ARE THE REASON FOR OUR SUFFERING, HUMANS!
Eggman [annoyed]: It's rather rude to point, you know!
Tails [freaking out]: Eggman, don't provoke the giant apocalyptic demon!
Eggman [making shit up]: Relax, maybe they didn't come to fight--
Steel God B: WE'VE COME TO FIGHT!
Steel God C: WE WILL KILL ALL HUMANS AND RETURN THIS WORLD TO NOTHING!
Geese [on the ice]: C'MON!!! [runs at the demon]
Rock: EVERYONE, WE TAKE THEM OUT BEFORE THEY HAVE THE CHANCE TO DESTROY US! THEY CAN'T BE AT 100% YET! CHAAAAARRRRRRGE!!!
[And with that, the battle begins. The crowd begins the assault on the gods A and B. God C flies up towards the roof and breaks through it, swallowing the hanging Bridget on the way up.]
Steel God C: COORS!
Tails [looking up]: ANYONE WHO CAN FLY, CHASE THAT DRAGON!
Knuckles: That thing swallowed that incredibly sexy chick! I'm with you!
[Tails, Knuckles, Kirby, Sakura, Nabeshin, and some of the others that can fly do so and start attacking god C.]
Geese [running up god A's arm launching blasts where he can]: That's right, giant bitch! You like it! YOU LIKE IT!
[Akira and Daigo perform their respective Skull Auras on one of god A's feet. Reid and Keele blast up the other foot. Geese is at the face pounding away until, eventually, god A disintegrates.]
Steel God A: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH I REGRET NOTHING!
Geese [landing]: Who's the man? WHO'S THE MAN?
Rock [still fighting]: Dad, there's two more!
Geese [laughing]: HAHAHAHA you like to ruin my fun, don't you!?
[Steel God B starts glowing and sends out little slime humanoid warrior things (lots of 'em). With Earth's forces deterred by these things, god B is able to throw some smack down around.]
Steel God B: MY MISSION IS GENOCIDE! [shoots eye beams at the warriors]
Akuma [fighting slimes]: Davis, these things keep coming! Cover me while I try to attack the Steel God itself!
Davis [saluting]: Sure thing, Cap'n Kumie! My mama, she said, "Davis, if steel gods start attacking you, kick 'em once for mama!"
Akuma [angry]: YOUR MAMA NEVER SAID THAT!
Davis: I know...
[Another part of the arena...]
Sephiroth [calm]: Ultima.
[Big 'splosions. Elsewhere...]
Roy [fighting off like fifteen slimes at once; slowly but surely he beats them all]: Awesome! I'm glad to see I can still swing this thing around!
[Roy senses something and looks back to see a slime about to hit him. Unable to react in time, Roy then sees a knife pierce the slime, then several more knives in succession.]
Edge [knives in hand]: Alright, there, Roy? [throws knives at the god's shin]
Steel God B [in pain]: OW! THAT'S MY SHIN DAMMIT!
Juki [worried]: We're surrounded!
Shade [looks around at the seventy or so slimes surrounding them]: Someone help!
[Suddenly, Grave lands next to the Chao, picks them up, and has them hide in his coat. Then, after a moment of silence, Grave goes ballistic, breaking into his shoot-everyone-and-everything-around-him-until-there's-nothing-but-bodies-a nd-death shooting gun dance. He hits each slime exactly 49 times *before* they hit the ground. The seventy or so slimes are reduced to... one. It tries to run, but Grave had his rocket launcher ready. May the slime rest in peace.]
Roy [throws Edge the Sword of Seals]: Edge! We have to end this! Throw this at the jewel on his forehead; it's probably his weak point!
Edge [taking aim]: After this, I'm going to try hard in school! If I hit this dead-on, it's good luck! [throws the sword and hits his mark; the god kneels in pain]
Ky [about to strike]: Now's our chance! [attacks] RIDE THE LIGHTNING!
[A bunch of our heroes strike the weak point but the god still survives. Suddenly, out of nowhere...]
Vyse [from Skies of Arcadia]: PIRATE'S WRATH! [with two mighty skull slashes, Vyse arrives late but in full force as the second of the Steel Gods evaporates, defeated]
Eggman [waving to face]: Vyse! What took you?
Vyse [blushing]: Sorry I missed the show, Eggman! It's hard to get away from all that sex.
Eggman [laughing]: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You said hard and sex in the same sentence!
Vyse: Um, Eggman, I hate to interrupt you as you talk about me--
Eggman [annoyingly interrupting]: Why, thank you Vyse! Oh shit, Farah's surrounded by some leftover blob-things! [throws a gun to Farah] FARAH, CATCH!!!
Farah [smiling evilly as she catches the gun]: Thanks, tubs! [kills slimes, then starts shooting at Eggman with little hesitation]
Eggman [dodging]: Gah, that crazy broad! I wonder why she hates me so...
[The last god isn't going down so easy.]
Tails [slightly hurt; carrying Shaoron]: This isn't working, people! Nabeshin, Meta Knight, take out its left wings! Knuckles, Rouge, can you guys try taking out the right?
Tails: Shaoron, can you shoot lightning at his face repeatedly? Just pretend he was sent by Eriol!
Shaoron [readying some lightning]: He probably was sent by Eriol. [fires]
Tails [clearly in command]: The rest of you, just assist where you can!
[As they assist, Sakura uses the Shield card to protect everyone. Shaoron fires lightning. Meta Knight, Nabeshin, and some others take out the left wings. Knuckles and Rouge start fighting/making out in the sky; somehow, this takes out the right wings. It falls onto the ice below. Suddenly, from all over the god's body, guns emerge.]
Eggman [disappointed]: I HATE seeing such a trademark character trait of mine ripped off!
Steel God C: FACE MY GUNS, PATHETIC LIFE FORMS! [it starts firing, causing our heroes to shuffle out of the way]
Peregrine [leaping into the air; readying a flaming bird punch]: Peregrine... KNUCKLE!!! [the dragon reels; Peregrine prepares a flaming kick] Peregrine FOOT!!! [connects again, then readies a jumping explosive grab] Blue Jay DIVE!!!
Samus [dodging guns and punching/kicking them where she can (she has no armor right now)]: Those attacks sound familiar.
Peregrine [knocked away by the dragon's tail]: OW! I cannot do this any longer! I must reveal my true power! Now where's that helmet?...
Sakura: Sensei, catch! [Sakura throws a familiar looking helmet to Peregrine]
[Peregrine catches the red helmet with a yellow falcon's crest and puts it one. And, in a heartbeat, the kind, noble Peregrine turns into the more powerful but far less tactful Captain Douglas Jay Falcon. If you actually didn't see this coming... well...]
Captain Falcon [after equipping the helmet; to Samus]: Hey, Sugar Tits! I'd like to dip THOSE in my coffee!
Samus [dreams shattered; in shock; very, very pissed]: It can't be. You motherfu--
Captain Falcon [trying to be noble]: Look out, Samus! [pushes Samus out of the way of a blast while secretly copping several feels] Falcon... PUNCH!!! [deflects the blast with his bare hands]
[Another part of the ice...]
Jam [firing lasers back at the Steel God]: When does this thing die?
Terry [firing Power Waves from a distance]: I wonder the same thing about Geese all the time...
Aeris [Limit Break]: Great Gospel! [heals everyone and makes them invincible]
Eggman [sarcastic]: Wow, thanks, Aeris, that would have been useful BEFORE!!!
Cloud [casting magic]: It was the same thing back in Midgar.
Hotsuma [slashing away at the beast]: What took you so long, Joe?
Joe Musashi [the original Shinobi; was watching the show from the catwalk above the arena]: I had a good seat. For the most part...
Pedro [realization]: Pedro just remembered: he kicked That Man's ass! Pedro isn't dead: he just forgot! [fires a Dragon Ball blast at the creature] NOW PEDRO WILL SHOW YOU MUCH WRATH!!!
Tai [being a lazy ass eating popcorn as WarGreymon fires Terra Forces at the Steel God]: This is a good show, Eggman!
Eggman [angry; firing guns]: You lazy Digimon punks! You don't have to do REAL fighting! Except Davis...
Davis [bugging Akuma]: Akumie, watcha doing?
Akuma [annoyed; firing blasts at the dragon]: Not now, Davis--
Davis: Akumie, why are you shooting stuff?
Akuma [losing it]: Davis, this is important--
Davis: Akumie, can you make me a rope just like yours?
Akuma [grabs Davis]: CAN YOU NOT LISTEN, YOU LITTLE SHIT--
Davis [unfazed; pointing at the incoming dragon tail]: Dragon tail! [doesn't move until the last second, when Akuma pushes him out of the way] Thanks, Akumie! You want me to bust this thing's ass?
Akuma [still fighting]: Please do!
[Davis then roars and starts massively pummeling the dragon, surprising everyone.]
Matt [in awe]: Holy cripes... [worried] Where'd TK go?
Tai [disappointed]: He left with the girls. He might be a while.
Matt [pissed]: And you didn't stop him?
Tai [indifferent]: Meh.
Vectorman [shooting]: Yo yo yo, is this like my third line in this whole damn fic?
Sonic [running around, attacking when he can]: Hey, look at me! I'm Sonic the freaking Hedgehog, and I'm barely the main character in the Cronies fics! You're LUCKY you get three lines!
Shadow [assisting Sonic]: I barely speak and I'm the funniest guy there! No worries!
Ganondorf [not helping]: I'm Ganondorf! When do I get my own spin-off series?
[Crono appears, but he doesn't talk; he just uses spells and techniques.]
Supa Fly [remember him]: Demons, schmemons! I fightin' tougher shit gettin' mah car startin' in the mornin'!
Il Palazzo [guns/balls of power]: No one takes over MY world!
Bowser [breathing fire]: Eggman owes me big money for my time...
Amy [making an observation]: Why are we having casual conversation as we fight an apocalyptic Steel God? [readies hammer] Hey, Sonic, if I knock him out, will you marry me?
[Before Sonic can answer, Amy clubs the dragon in the head with her hammer. The dragon roars in pain and collapses. Everyone stops fighting/firing.]
Sonic [after a moment of silence]: OH, NO, NONONONONO, THAT'S NOT RIGHT! The Steel God's faking it!
Steel God C [getting up]: I'M IMPRESSED YOU SAW THROUGH MY FAÇADE! BUT NOW, I WILL DESTROY EARTH!
Eggman: ROY! EDGE! LET'S USE TRIPLE TECH: FLAMING... SOMETHING!!!
[Eggman pulls out a flamethrower and ignites Roy's Sword of Seals. Roy fires an Eggman-enhanced flame spell at Edge, who absorbs it into his knives. Edge throws the knives up, where they sparkle and then rain down on the Steel God.]
Steel God C [dying]: AAAAAARRRRRGH!!! THE RUST! THE RUST! IT BURNS INTERNALLY, AND NOT BECAUSE OF.. THE... FLAMES... DAMN YOU... RUST... [falls over]
Edge [kicks the dragon a couple of times]: I think it's dead--
[Steel God C then proceeds to scare the hell out of Edge and everyone by violently spitting out Bridget. Then, the final god evaporates.]
Eggman [triumphant]: Um, well, I guess that's the end of Eggman on Ice, people! Thanks for joining my empire! [many people glare at him] Yeah, when you came in you joined my empire. [glares continue] OKAY, FUCKING FINE! YOU DIDN'T! BUT YOU DID SAVE EARTH! KUDOS TO YOU ALL!
[The crowd cheers as Knuckles runs over to the hurt Bridget.]
Knuckles [worried; kneels over the fallen Bridget]: Pretty sexy lady, are you all right?
Shadow [about to tell Knuckles that Bridget is a guy]: Um, Knuckles--
[Sonic holds his hand in front of Shadow and shakes his head, preventing Shadow from saying anything.]
Shadow [evil]: Oh, I got you! [trying to hide his giggles]
Knuckles [picks up Bridget]: C'mon, cutie, let's get you to a hospital. [leaves]
Rouge [evil]: When he finds out, I'm going to laugh.
Joe Musashi [to Eggman]: Dr. Eggman, I saw the whole thing from up in the catwalk. Including the back flips. My view was... perfect. Never will I be able to forget that view. When I meditate... I will cry.
Eggman [asshole]: That's good to hear.
Mario [arrives]: OH NO! We're-a too late!
Bowser [surprised]: You lived? How?
Mario: Edgar-a saved my life!
Il Palazzo [annoyed]: Oh, Edgar ALWAYS saves people's lives!
Edgar [from Final Fantasy 6/arm around Peach]: Heya! Sorry I missed things, Eggman! I was busy picking up this hot dumb royal blond!
Peach [happy]: I don't listen to what people say!
Mario: Oh yeah, and he-a conquered the Mushroom Kingdom!
Bowser [slapping forehead]: Oh no! Now there's more work for me... wanna join my army, Mario, so we can at least get Peach for one of us?
Mario [remembers Mario RPG]: I'm not falling for-a that again! I remember how-a you tried to kill me after-a Smithy!
Bowser [annoyed]: I TOLD you, I wanted to steal your girl! GOD!
Captain Falcon [to Samus]: So, babe, how about those drinks? How many would you say it takes for you 'n' me to do "the squirrel?"
[After a well-placed groin kick, Captain Falcon goes flying to the horizon.]
Captain Falcon: MY NUT SACK!
Kyosuke: So I guess he wasn't the dreamboat you thought he was, eh?
Samus [angry]: Shut up. If I could only get his helmet off--
Kyosuke [panic]: HOLY DEAR FREEZING HELL! I THINK BATSU'S UNDER THE RUBBLE! [runs]
[As the following scenes play, the song being sung is to the tune of Wonder Boy from Tenacious D (we call ours Wonder Roy). The person singing it is none other than Yukito.]
Yukito [singing on the street outside the ruined arena, guitar in hand]:
High above the Eggman show
Castle made of stone.
There it's Wonder Roy
Nothing much to say
When you're high above the Eggman show!
[At the hospital, Knuckles has just discovered what Bridget is, thanks to a not-so-innocent grope. He's bleaching his hands. It burns, but he doesn't care.]
Knuckles [desperate]: Must bleach hands until burning!
What is the secret of your power?
Won't you take me far away
From that Dr. Eggman?
[Joe Musashi is meditating on a mountain. His eyes open... and a single tear flows... for the back flips have infected.]
Yukito [speaking, not singing]: Now it's time for me to tell you about Young Nasty Edge, archrival and nemesis of Wonder Roy. With powers not-at-all comparable to Wonder Roy! What powers, you ask? I dunno, how about the power of knives? That'll do some shit for ya! It's cutting up shit, Holmes! Well, how about the power to kill a Steel God from two yards away... WITH FLAMING RUST!!! That's pyrokinesis, boyz! How about the power... to burn you?
[Samus is talking to Sonic.]
Samus: So are you up to it?
Sonic [thinking]: Sure, why not? I was suspicious of "Peregrine" in the first place. I wonder if the helmet controls his behavior...
Samus: Whatever you can do. He was nice without it...
[Later, we see Falcon sans helmet (Sonic took it).]
Peregrine [thinking out loud]: I shouldn't be mistreating women! They are our equals and sometimes our superiors!
[As Jam walks by, Sonic sticks the helmet back on. Almost instantly, Falcon's hands are on Jam's breasts. She gawks.]
Captain Falcon [gasping, but not removing hands]: I am SO sorry! Normally I talk to women before I grab their tit--
[Falcon goes flying into the sunset, courtesy of one angry Jam...]
Yukito [singing again]:
History of Wonder Roy
And Young Nasty Edge!
A secret to be told!
A gold chest to be bold!
And blasting forth with three part harmony! YOW!
[Bob is adjusting his award for the filming of Eggman on Ice/Steel Gods Diverted by Crowd of Super Powerful People in his new apartment. His roommate... Space Pirate X!]
Space Pirate X [washing dishes]: YOU KNOW, THESE MACARONI STAINS WON'T WASH THEMSELVES!
Bob [complaining]: Ach, be quiet! I'm fixin' the roof!
Space Pirate X [sarcastic]: OH, YEAH, THE ROOF! I HOPE YOU DO AS GOOD A JOB ON THAT AS YOU DO GETTING YOUR HALF OF THE RENT PAID EVERY FREAKING MONTH!
Bob [screaming]: WE HAVEN'T EVEN BEEN HERE A MONTH!
Space Pirate X [screaming back]: SOMETIMES I THINK YOU DON'T CARE! [runs off crying]
What is the secret of your power?
Won't you take me far away
From that Dr. Eggman?
[Akuma's Island. Akuma is shadow-boxing when he sees the shadow... of Davis!?]
Akuma [panic]: No... NO... NOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Davis [with a suitcase]: Hi Akumie! My mama, she says, "Davis, you need to find a place of your own someday!" So I says, "Okay, bye!" And she says. "Not now, idiot... but if you must, farewell!" So now I'm here!
Akuma [slapping forehead]: Fine. Since you are here, you will fight to live. Life will be difficult-- [hears a crashing noise]
Davis [just broke one of Akuma's statues]: You know, that valuable-looking statue was pretty flimsy!
Akuma [teleporting towards Davis]: Shungokusatsu!!! [grabs Davis]
Davis [fascinated]: Ooooooh, you smell like onions! What's this move?
[A white flash. What happened to Davis?]
Yukito [speaking again]: Well, Wonder Roy and Young Nasty Edge joined forces. They formed a force the likes of which have never been seen. And they called themselves... The Best of Friends.
Roy [joining in]: That's right: ME! And EIJI!
Edge [joining in]: That's me!
Roy and Edge [together]: We're now The Best of FrieeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEENDS!
Come fly with me, fly!
What is the secret of your power?
Won't you take me far away
From that Dr. Eggman?
Take my hand, Young Nasty Edge!
And we'll kill!
Bring out your rusty knives!
There's the dragon!
SLICE ITS THROAT AND GRAB ITS SCROTE!
YOU TAKE THE HIGH ROAD, I'LL TAKE THE LOW!
There... the crevasse... fill it... WITH YOUR MIGHTY JUICE!!!
Eggman [just heard this]: ... ... What the fuck was that? Get off my property, Yukito! I don't need you here charming man, woman, and/or child alike!
Yukito [charming]: Oh, Eggman, I'm sorry! I didn't mean any harm!
Eggman [mad crush]: I'm sorry, Yukito, you said something? I got lost in your eyes...
Kyosuke [digging through rubble]: Batsu! BATSU! WHERE ARE YOU? DAMMIT, SAY SOMETHING STUPID!
Batsu [faint voice]: Cuz, when the tough gets going, tough gets tougher!
Kyosuke [shame]: That's it, I'm outta here. [leaves]
Batsu: Cuz? CUZ!? [Let's just assume Batsu made it out alive.]
Tomoyo [waking up; surrounded by rubble]: Wow, what a nap. What happened?
Meilin [already up]: Tomoyo, I have a feeling we should just get up and go.
Eggman [staring over the rubble]: I'm clearing this rubble and turning this place into a park. Where those who walk by will know of the final battle for Earth's fate.
Tails [beside Eggman]: That's very noble of you, Eggman. How long before you destroy it and make it into the Final Egg II?
Eggman: Two weeks.
Authors' Final Thoughts
Wow. I mean, like, wow. It's been like a year in the making, but Eggman on Ice is finally... done. Real life intercepts our fanfic efforts; I work odd hours and the others are busy too. But, in the end, as long as you enjoy this, that's what counts. Take care, y'all, and see you in Cronies 7 (or Sonic Iron Chef 2, whichever comes first). We promise it will be much shorter and sooner in coming out.
[Grand Master Shoma]
To all those who made it to these credits... kudos. It probably took you more than the minimum of two sittings to read it all, but wasn't it worth it? I cannot wait to tell you that we will always keep coming up with up-to-the-minute humor. Ciao.
What the hell?! Why are the other peeps making it sound like this is our last fic being made!? They have to lighten up... This is like, if we are grading the "high school of fanfiction". ... Wasn't this great? Yay for everyone!!! This was soooo funny to type! Hehehehehehheheh!!! This is Triple Peeps magic! EEEeee...
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