| "Vile Fables For Progressive Children" Reviews/Comments [ 5 ] | Reviewed By: Rowan Seven On: October 03, 2010 19:50 EDT
Comment/Review:
[Continued from previous review] To list one example, Ryouga is abducted by the Musk and then he's shown in Japan again sparring with Ryu and Mousse without any explanation as to how the three of them met up and started training together or why Ryouga's back in Japan. I felt like I'd missed a scene or chapter somewhere. You also seemed to have a subplot going on between Kuno and Ukyo before apparently dropping it, and the smallness of Akane's roll is strongly felt, particularly because Nabiki and Ranma dating behind her back is exactly the type of situation she should have some part in. I feel like there's a certain "polish" missing in the way the story's structured that makes it harder to follow. Also, I think you might have made a mistake in setting the confrontation with the Veteran before the showdown with the Musk. I didn't feel connected to Ryu's paranormal SWAT team and so beyond a little concern about whether Ryu and Ryouga would survive unharmed didn't feel terribly excited about the battle, but because the Veteran was built up as such a huge and nearly unbeatable foe it killed a lot of the tension in the confrontation with Herb. If the protagonists overcame the Veteran, why should I worry about their odds against the Musk? Anyway, overall not a bad job but it seems like you lost control of the story at times. Better structure and a bit more subtlety could have been helpful here. Also, I wonder if the side-stories with Ryuu, the paranormal police force, and the Veteran were really necessary. I feel you could have made a lot of the same points about good and evil with Nabiki, and the story might have been stronger without so much going on. Just to name one suggestion, perhaps you could have told the same story about Nabiki and Ranma, developed Ryouga's side-story with the Musk more, and then brought the two together as Ranma's obsession with being the best takes a dark turn and Nabiki's efforts to use it to "break" him and sculpt him into the profitable boy toy she wants posing moral dilemmas for all of them? Regardless, thanks for introducing me to this story and sharing your talents with others.
| Reviewed By: Rowan Seven On: October 03, 2010 19:49 EDT
Comment/Review:
Let me compliment you on seeing your story through from beginning to end. Fifteen chapters of this length is quite the accomplishment, and the amount of material you covered is impressive. I tip my hat to you. Anyway, I suppose the best place to start is your depiction of Nabiki. In many ways, it was a refreshingly hedonistic and amoral characterization of the middle Tendo sister when the prevailing trend in Ranma 1/2 fan fiction seems to be to humanize her. My own knowledge of the series' canon is somewhat lacking so whether it's fully accurate or not is a question I'll leave to others, but your take on Nabiki felt believable and was consistent. The only real doubts I have are whether she'd actually take the chance of using Jusenkyo magic on herself since she's seen firsthand just how unpredictable magic can be, though I suppose the perceived payoff here might have justified risk taking in her mind. Also, while the "mental lobotomy" in the first chapter made me feel uneasy at first, the apprehension vanished after I witnessed Nabiki's new equilibrium. The sheer comedy in the exchange between Urd and Peorth as Nabiki transformed helped too. Your ruminations on good, evil, and morality also added an interesting intellectual quality to the story and gave the tale a metaphysical depth not often found in Ranma 1/2 fan fiction. The quotes used to preface each chapter were a welcome addition as well and helped set the mood. I can sort of see now how you might have thought my depiction of Jadeite was based in part on your work here, since we've both spent time exploring the motivations of a completely amoral character. I can assure sure that it was simple coincidence, though, but I do feel better having seen someone else draw similar conclusions when it comes to "villains." As for your work with the rest of the cast, there was more good than bad and I'm pleased you didn't demonize anyone, but the characters themselves seemed somewhat uneven. Ranma, Mousse, and Ryouga were - by and large - fine, and the only complaints I feel like making about them would be small and inconsequential in nature. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt with Ryu since your version of him gels with what I've seen elsewhere, and Akane - when she was featured - was wonderful. I'm actually a bit disappointed you didn't put her to larger use here. Shampoo's "punishing" of Ranma seemed a bit overboard for her in Chapter 7, but it was nice to see someone portray her as intelligent for a change. Taro was fine. Konatsu was entertaining and I could see him misguidedly following Kuno's advice, but your take on Ukyo seemed off to me. I have a hard time picturing her threatening Nabiki in the way she did, though to be fair she did join Shampoo in tossing bombs at the wedding so my reading of the character is probably somewhat inaccurate anyway. Most of your original characters, however, didn't make much of an impression on me, and the only one who grew on me was Hao Li. Kudos on capturing Ranma 1/2's cute but incredibly destructive and totally determined female foreigner vibe. With that said, this "unevenness" carries over to the rest of the fan fic as well. The quality of the writing ranged from mediocre to brilliant, and the dialogue was all over the place. You had some fantastic quotes and exchanges, such as Otto Schneider's dialogue in Chapter 9 which was a hoot to read, but in a lot of the scenes with the various evil cults, organizations, and entities Ryu and his organization dealt with the conversations felt more like lectures to me. I understand you wanted to make a point, but it might have felt more natural if you were more subtle about it. The structure of the story itself also felt disjointed to me. You covered a lot and had a large cast and plot to keep track of and you have my compliments for keeping the story as coherent as you did, but it still seems like certain things fell through the cracks. To list one example, Ryouga is abducted by the Musk and then | Reviewed By: Digital Dragon Productions On: August 27, 2008 04:31 EDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 8 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 9 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 9 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 8 of 10
Overall Rating: 9 of 10 Comment/Review:
Not a bad fic. I would have liked a few more scenes for Nabiki with having her good side win a few rounds and her feeling good about it. That aspect of her never seems to have a chance.
| Title: Nice
Reviewed By: lk3585 [MediaMiner Member] On: December 20, 2007 22:31 EST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 9 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 8 of 10
Overall Rating: 8 of 10 Comment/Review:
This was truly an original fic. Well thought out and delivered. The only problem I have is it seems more like a starter fic as far as the story is concerned, it just doesn't seem finished. Oh by the way good job with the crossover factor everything flowed well.
| Reviewed By: S Cubed [MediaMiner Member] On: November 23, 2007 23:55 EST
Comment/Review:
It was enjoyable. I've always had a soft spot for Nabiki-centric fics, even if those generally fall into the same portrayal of her. This was indeed a breath of fresh air, played fast and loose. All in all, a good rendition of how Nabiki and Ranma might play out against/with one another.
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