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| "15 Honeydew Lane" Reviews/Comments [ 9 ] | Title: FFARG: Review of Prologue & Chapter One
Reviewed By: Dee-chan [MediaMiner Member] On: August 09, 2005 10:36 CDT
Comment/Review:
The prologue seems really unnecessary as it was re-written completely in the first chapter. While the plot about a youngster moving never ceases to entertain me, there were a few grammar errors such as forgetting commas for direct address. Another thing to watch out for is the flow of the story. Some areas were very repetitive, using one word like "door" again and again rather than opening the thesaurus for a synonym or using a pronoun. Also, if BLOWING became BLEW, this sentence would make more sense: As he looked out the window of the family car, his black hair blowing in the wind as the car whizzed down the road passing by the beautiful countryside. "15 Honeydew Lane" has an interesting plot, but it could do with a read through and a polishing. Best wishes and thanks for submitting to ffarg! :cDee
| Title: FFRG chapter 7
Reviewed By: Kellen [MediaMiner Member] On: June 30, 2005 15:39 CDT
Comment/Review:
Hey hon, and thanks again for submitting to the FFRG. It's always a pleasure, and I really do still like where this story is, and has gone. (Even though I haven't been the one reviewing lately! :o) ) I've noticed a couple of things that you still need to work on. Grammatically, you're a little weak. Some, I'm sure are just typos, such as forgetting ending punctuation on a speaking line. You need to watch your verb tense. These sentences in particular need work. "He takes a peek around inside to see she was asleep. Edgar stepped quietly inside, not wanting to disturb her." Takes should be took. Just watch to make sure you stay in the same tense throughout. There's a few places where you use a comma to join two thoughts together, when it should be two sentences. For example, "That's great Nicolai, is he outside waiting for you?" should be two sentences with the period after Nicolai and "Is he outside…" a new sentence. Just watch these things, and whenever possible, add a little description. I enjoy reading your story, but it seems bare to me. A little more detail might make all the difference in the world. Cheers, Kellen
| Title: FFARG ch6
Reviewed By: SisiXIII [MediaMiner Member] On: June 21, 2005 14:19 CDT
Comment/Review:
Well I just *had* to ponce on this! ^^ As you go through I still say that more description would flesh things out for you, such as describing Trey's movements as they arrive at the community centre, is he pointing, flourishing a hand motion, or simply walking ahead. Or perhaps where you go into what Edgar feels a bit more closely. "Edgar felt a bit down by the news, but he was happy that Nicolai is slowly but surely making a friend." 'Is' just happens to be a present tense word in a past tense story. This should be 'was' dear; I love the fight between the dogs. All in all I like your writing, it's very simplistic but it's a pleasure to read. You have no real problems with grammar and that's mainly because (I think) you're not running around trying to use anything you don't know how to use fully (which is very, very good.) Just a bit more description here and there. Keep writing I can't wait for the next one!
| Title: FFARG chapter five
Reviewed By: Sidhe (Sisi) On: June 15, 2005 20:47 CDT
Comment/Review:
Why look, a familiar face. ^^ In your first sentence you have, "He turned to see it was the alligator he met in the park," Even if you left your last chapter with a cliff-hanger, you should still make sure your readers don't have to look back in chapters to find out, so being more descriptive. "It" isn't very descriptive. You also say that you character strengths to be pointed out or discussed and I've seen no problem with them thus far but another thing I would mention along with a lot of reviews I give, if you go deeper into what your character thinks and feels your characters seem more real and tangible. As for any mistakes ""Nicolai, here's you're special."" I believe you're looking for "Your" the -re is a contraction for "You are." Just remember those sentence starters I told you because that's about all I found disagreeable with this story. Keep up the good work
| Title: FFARG
Reviewed By: Sihde (Sisi) On: June 05, 2005 20:17 CDT
Comment/Review:
Overall, this was quite cute; I *love* the idea of a basketball playing alligator. One thing I noticed first off and through the whole story (Coincidentally the one thing my English teacher ever did try to teach us about writing) was that your style is not very broad at all. There are at least seven different ways to start a sentence and if you vary your structure in sentences by changing how you start them and adding in semicolons and all those nice things it keeps drawing in the reader anew and doesn't get bland. Using the character's names only needs to happen when you feel the reader may have trouble differentiating who is thinking or doing what. (Oh and it's Khaki not, "kaki") If you read through your stories once or twice to make sure you don't miss things like the second quotation mark things normally go better. ["Come on Nicolai, this is your chance. I am so nervous thought Nicolai?] Also, you have a lot of vivid imagery that you could describe so much better and more well… Vividly. Such as the basketball playing alligator. Better insights into your characters can be shown by delving into how the character feels, thinks and sees the situations they are in. Though, I will keep in mind that when you submitted this you indicated that it was a children's story by genre. You've kept in line very well with the reading levels of younger children and what they know of grammar. (Not like a seven year old knows what a semicolon is)
| Title: FFARG Reveiw Ch 3
Reviewed By: Dumas1 [MediaMiner Member] On: May 23, 2005 23:25 CDT
Comment/Review:
This is an interesting little story with great potential so far. Did you intend the title to be 'An Unwanted nightmare...?' As Halo pointed out, you tend to confuse similar words and there are a lot of missing words. Also, a comma is required before the name or title of someone directly addressed. Like so: 'Good morning, Mrs. Robinson.' There is also a brief passage that got repeated, beginning at 'Oh for heaven and parmesan, what are you two nattering about?' I think you've kinda forgotten to indicate just what Leon and Edgar are. Lucy is a cat, but you never directly say what the other two are. Overall, this is a very interesting story that could be a great one with a little work.
| Title: FFARG Review Ch. 3
Reviewed By: Chibi Halo [MediaMiner Member] On: May 19, 2005 14:31 CDT
Comment/Review:
Thank you for submitting your piece to FFARG. You have a cute idea that could use a little bit of extra work. Your prologue didn't set up your plot very well. Is this the thoughts from your main character's head or something being written in a journal? You need to better define the plot of your story. By the time I read to chapter three I was left confused as to why you have the animals of the city talking and walking about. There seemed to be an unexplained plot hole concerning the family pets' sudden ability to speak to the family. I've also noticed that some of your scentences don't flow very well. You have words missing from them that could make them work better. Plus, you have the tendency to lump together lines of dialouge from two different speakers into one paragraph. A new paragraph needs to be started for each new speaker. I've also noticed that you tend to mix up words that sound alike. You used "they're" to show posession when "their" is the proper word to use. Plus, there are times when you forget to use a coma where needed. When beginning a scentence with a word like "meanwhile" you need to place a coma after it. It would be good if you get a second pair of eyes to go over your story and help you work out the kinks in your piece. You have a good idea that could be made even better with a little bit of editing.
| Title: FFARG
Reviewed By: Kellen [MediaMiner Member] On: May 09, 2005 13:18 CDT
Comment/Review:
First of all, I do like where this story is headed, and it seems to be on the right track. There seem to be too many paragraph breaks. The first four paragraphs, plus the first part of the fifth should be one paragraph. It seems to mess with the flow of the story when it's broken up so much. Conversely, every time a new person speaks, there should be a paragraph break. (Confusing, I know. :o) ) Also you seem to have some trouble with grammar rules regarding speaking characters. "…minutes." she…" should be "…minutes," she…" When "tagging" a speaker, a period shouldn't be used unless you are in actuality starting another sentence. Exclamation points and questions marks, however, are used without commas. This is right: "…Heather?" he asked…" There are a few places where a little more description might be great… For instance, what kind/color of dog is Edgar? Otherwise, you've done very well. Nicolai seems very melancholy about the move, and I think you've pegged him quite well. Not that you've made him predictable by any means, but he seems very consistent, which is a wonderful thing. Cheers, Kellen
| Title: FFARG review-Chapter 1
Reviewed By: Sari-15 [MediaMiner Member] On: April 30, 2005 18:35 CDT
Comment/Review:
I wasn't quite sure which chapter you wanted to us to review, so I started with chapter one. I am not quite sure what type of a plot you have created, since I have only read chapter one. Your goal for the first chapter is not just to have someone read it, but keep them entertained so they will continue on to chapter two. This chapter just didn't seem to grasp me and pull me in with the emotions. Sometimes you need to start further into the story, by dropping your characters into a setting that will catch attention. For instance Nicolai (which I want to write Nikolai since that is my husbands name ^^;) could have the worst first day of school in the history of first days at new schools. You could cover the fact that he just moved there in that scene, making chapter one unnecessary. An important rule of thumb is, if it isn't necessary to the plot, get rid of it. As hard as it is throw out chapters, sometimes it is necessary. You had really strong dialogue and stayed in one point of view which was great to see. Some beginning writers have difficulty with that. I just would like to see more description in your writing, use your five senses. I want to see things through his eyes, not for the author to tell me what he sees. Great start. Thanks for submitting to ffarg.
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