.hack//SIGN Fan Fiction ❯ What would Kite and Balmung do? ❯ I am insane ( Chapter 1 )

It was just like any regular day…well sort of… Kite was logged into the world one day to sigma server and was bored as hell.

After a few hours of random wandering around, he decided to raise some gruntys. And so he had been doing that for the last half hour.

"I'm hungry, I want a golden egg. Oink!"

"You ate nine of those already!" Kite said.

"I'm hungry, I want a golden egg. Oink!"

"Why do you say oink? Aren't you a cow?"

"I'm hungry I want-"

"I know what you want. You're a cow! Cows don't say oink."

"Oink."

"No. Cows say moo."

"Um, oink."

"No. Moo."

"Oink."

"Moo! Moo-oo!"

"Mmmm oink!"

"Goddamnit! Hey!" Kite exclaimed, seeing Balmung walking by. "Hey, Balmung, help me go find some golden eggs for this cow."

"Oink!"

"Um, Kite, are you feeling well?"

"Who cares, come on."

"But I'm doing stuff," Balmung said.

"I just added you to the party!" Kite said after a few noises.

"Damnit, I was doing stuff."

"Come on."

"I'm gonna go shop," Balmung said, and started to run off.

"No you're not!" Kite said, grabbing Balmung's arm. "You always shop. You spend five hours shopping, run in a circle, say `I'm going over here now,' stand there for twenty minutes, and then do it all over again. Come on."

"No," Balmung said, and walked off.

"Oh, for-Everybody gather!"

"Yes!" Balmung said. "No, wait, I didn't mean that-man, I hate you."

"Whatever Sir Fruitypants, let's get to the gate."

"Hey, what did you just call me?"

"Okay, let's see, I think the golden eggs are in Rising His Melody."

"Umm," they both said.

As they stood there, trying to ignore the innuendo of the world, the Chaos Gate swung on, smacking Balmung in the head with part of the frame.

"OW!" Balmung yelled, falling over. "I'm fine," he said, standing up and brushing himself off. "OW!"

"Balmung, get up," Kite said.

"Okay, ow!" he said, falling over again.

Kite sighed. "Come on." Kite grabbed Balmungs' arm and dragged him through the portal.

* * * * *

"Okay-ahhh!" Balmung said, falling over.

"What now?" Kite asked.

"I tripped on my shoes," Balmung said. "Be one guard."

"For what?" Kite asked. "The sand? Ooo scary-ahhh! Holy mother of-"

"I told you to be on guard," Balmung said.

"you couldn't have warned me?"

"I did warn you!"

"You couldn't have warned me better?"

"Uh, Kite," Balmung said, pointing forward. "Monster."

After a rather uneventful monster battle, Kite found a glowing magic pool.

"Hey, great, I needed one of these," Kite said, and proceded to empty his pockets into the pool.

"Kite, what're you-" Balmung asked, cut off as Kite shoved him into the pool.

A second later, Balmung was thrown out of the pool.

"We don't work on players!" Grandpa said, rising out of the pool.

"But I need to upgrade him," Kite complained. "He's a moron!"

"Hey!" Balmung complained.

"And don't throw your trash in here!" Grandpa said. "At least separate recycables next time." With that, grandpa flew off.

Kite shrugged and walked off.

"Pay attention Kite," Balmung said, after a rather monotonous half hour.

"Can't you say anything better?"

"Okay, Balmung said. "Peace is but a shadow of death, desperate to but forget its painful past. Though we hope for promising years after shedding a thousand tears-"

"Look just forget I said anything," kite said. "How many RPG's do you play?"

"Uh, lessee, sixty…carry the two… that's was at work and doesn't count… That one had a sequel…"

"Look, never mind. There aren't any golden eggs here, so let's go someplace else.

* * * * *

Later, in what was known as Bursting His Holy Ground, Kite and Balmung stood in the snow.

"We are never discussing the places we go," Kite said.

"Okay," Balmung agreed.

"Hey, look, cherries," Kite exclaimed, and began gathering them.

"Uh…" Balmung said. "You did not just pop those cherries, did you?"

"Yes, I did," Kite said, then flinched at what he said. "No, I didn't. Look, shut up!"

"Actually…" Balmung said.

"Look, you tell me to be on guard one more time I'm going to put these daggers-"

"No, can you do me a favor and make sure no monsters show up for a few minutes?"

"Um, okay…" Kite said, and Balmung ran behind a rock.

Five minutes later, Kite had lost his battle stance and was bored.

Five minutes after that, Kite started whistling.

Five minutes after that, Kite was interrupted from teaching himself how to juggle by very loud swearing.

"You need help over there?" Kite asked.

"No! I'm fine!"

Kite ignored Balmung and grabbed his daggers and went to see what the hold up was. He found Balmung standing in his usual bored and haughtly stance and action as if nothing had happened. Kite wondered how Balmung could act so nonchalant with half the feathers ripped off one of his sleeves.

"What?" Balmung asked.

"Is that a feather is your skirt?" Kite asked.

"It got caught in the fly, I don't want to talk about it," Balmung said angrily, and stalked off.

"Fly?" Kite asked, looking around. Balmung's name had been written in the snow. Kite went a bit white. "I didn't know you could do that in this game. Hey! Balmung!" he yelled. "Let's go find the dungeon, that' where the golden eggs are!"

* * * * *

Several monser battles later, they were in the dungeon, disarming a treasure chest.

YOU RECEIVE SUMMON WATER!

"…ewww…" they both said.

"Moving on," Kite said. He randomly chose a direction and started running down the hall in search of the elusive eggs.

"Let's go," Balmung said, following him.

"We ARE going, you idiot!" Kite said. "Hey, Balmung, why don't gruntys grunt?"

"Kite…"

"Yeah?"

"Shut up."

"You shut up."

"You shut up."

"You!"

"You!"

"You!"

"Monster!"

"What-hey, we're trying to have a civilized conversation here!" Kite yelled.

"Ugh!"

"Hey, no dying!" Kite yelled at Balmung as he slashed at the monster.

Balmung fell on the floor and didn't get up.

"You idiot!" Kite yelled, dealing another slash to the monster, which collapsed to the floor and dicintigrated.

"You idiot!" Kite yelled, resurecting Balmung."

"I'm fine-ow!" Blamung said, getting punched in the face by Kite.

"That's for dying!"

"What, you're gonna kill me cause I died?"

"Yeah, now hold still!"

* * * * *

"Are you sure we aren't lost?" Balmung asked.

"Of course we're not lost. I know exactly where we're going," Kite said.

"Kite, we're going in circles!"

"I know what I'm doing."

"Just check the map."

"I don't need a stupid map. Come on, we just go this way," Kite said, spinning around and smacking into a wall. "Oh, fuck you."

"Don't you need to take my pants off for that?"

"Shut up."

"Hey, Kite, are you prepared?"

"WHAT?" kite asked.

"What? What'd I do now?"

"Did you just ask me if I had condoms?"

"Are you calling me a pervert?"

"Okay, okay, I jumped to conclusions. Just, what the fuck are you talking about?"

"Do you have condoms?" Balmung asked.

"What in the-no! No, I do not have condoms."

"That's okay, I do."

"Why do I care-how the fuck did you get those?"

"What did you think I was shopping for?"

"Oh for fuck's sake! Let's just go!" Kite yelled, smacking into another wall.

"would you PLEASE check the map!"

"I don't need a map!" Kite exclaimed. "I'm a man."

"Yes, well, so am I, but you don't see me breaking my nose on every single wall."

"Well, I do see you dying every five seconds and wearing a miniskirt!"

"That's it!" Balmung said. "You're dead!"

"No," Kite said. "YOU'RE dead!"

The two jumped at each other, slashing furiously, but so completely tangled up after five seconds, neither could really aim.

"Hey! Don't put that there!" Kite yelled, slashing

"Not the hair! Not the hair!" Balmung screamed. "And get your foot out of my skirt-ahh!"

"I'm trying!" kite said. "Ow-ow! Get your elbow out of my eye! Hold still so I can kill you"

The two continued to slash, stab, and attempt to pry themselves off for a better attack, but their efforts were in vain.

Eventually, a monster wandered by and joined the fray. Their slashing, biting, punching and struggling soon defeated it, though very much by accident.

After more struggling, the two managed to disentangle themselves, only to find their fight had resulted in nothing more than slashing each other's clothes off.

"Hey!" Balmung yelled, covering himself with his wings.

"Oh, don't be a prude!" Kite said. "I'm naked too."

"Yeah, like I wanted to see you …. I… uh…"

"Hey, I'm up here!" Kite yelled.

"So you are."

"HEY! Okay, that's it, you ARE gonna die!"

"Taste the sword of justice!" Balmung yelled, jumping on kite.

"Would you get off!"

"That would be the point."

"Balmung, knock it-whoa, that IS a nice sword of justice."

"Take that!"

"That was a good hit."

"This is nothing!"

"I can still go on."

"How's this?"

"You cannot hurt me!"

….and so it went on

* * * * *

"Good Kite," Blamung said, as they used a sprite ocarina. "Sit, stay."

"Ha Ha, Balmung."

"Have a golden egg."

"WHAT?"

"You don't like golden eggs? They're really good."

"You had one all this time?"

"Yeah, I had a bunch."

"But… but… Why did you think we went on that stupid useless quest?"

"'Cause you made me?"

"AAAAAH!" Kite yelled. "Just… Just go away. Go shopping. Go save. Go jump off a bridge, just get away from me!" Kite stomped over to the grunty.

"I'm hungry, I want golden eggs. Oink!" the grunty said.

"Say moo first."

"Oink."

"Moo."

"Oink."

"Moo!"

"Oink."

"MOO!"

"…oink?"

"Moo, goddamn you! Moo! Say moo! How the fuck hard is that? Just say Moo!"

"Oink."

"Oh for the love of god. Here's your damn golden egg now just change into something useful." Kite tossed the grunty a golden egg and it stated eating.

"I'm hungry, I want golden eggs. Oink!"

"AAAAAH!"

"…moo?"