Battle Arena Toshinden Fan Fiction ❯ Falling ❯ Falling ( Chapter 1 )

[ P - Pre-Teen ]

Um, this story has a little Shonen Ai in it, so if you don't like that
go away. If you decide to read it, well, I hope you like it. When I
wrote it I was a little depressed, so don't expect anything too happy
(or well written...) but I think this kind of story is kinda typical
for me. (I so often tried to write a nice and happy story, but I
failed almost every time.) Anyway, while writing this I just noticed
(again) how bad my English is. Sorry, please try to look over it. ^^

Disclaimer: Unnecessary, you know I don't own them. (I wish I would...
well, almost.)

Falling

By Kia

An almost mechanical, female voice rung through the air. People were
rushing through the large hall, some in a hurry, some slowly and
relaxed, Talking, laughter and the nervous cries of little children
were everywhere.

Eiji looked out of the large window. The early morning sky above the
airport was blue, deep blue. Not a single cloud was in sight. It was
going to be a beautiful day. A beautiful day.

He didn't feel like it was a beautiful day. For him it was just the
day he had to say goodbye to his best friend.

Kayin was standing next to him, also looking to the sky. His bag in
his hands. He was going back to Scotland today. It was funny, they
probably wouldn't see each other in years and yet neither of them knew
what to say.

Eiji had a lot to say. He just couldn't find the words.

"I'm gonna call you once I'm home." Kayin finally murmured, still
looking out of the window. He had a strange look on his face, almost
smiling but at the same time he looked as if he was trying not to cry.
He looked pretty much like Eiji was feeling.

"Sure." he quietly said. He really much wanted to cry now. He really
much wanted to hug and kiss his friend. He really much cursed to fact
that they were in a public place.

He knew it had been stupid to fall in love with another boy, but it
wasn't something he had done by choice. It just had happened, and he
only had to look at the blond in front of him to know that, even it he
had a choice, he would do it again. It had been hard to keep it a
secret all the time. It was hard to love him, really, but it was worth
it.

Their eyes met for less than a second and Eiji's heart skipped a beat.
He knew Kayin felt the same for him, even if neither of them had ever
said it aloud, and the did have a quite strange but still great time
together since one of their fights once had ended with a kiss none of
them knew who had started but then again none of them had wanted to
end, but in the end, what meaning did those feelings have with
hundreds and thousands of miles between them?

Eiji rouse his hand and touched the glass. It felt cold beneath his
fingertips.

He silently thanked Sho for not being here. Otherwise he would not
have been able to really say goodbye.

He remembered that brief moment down in the hall, hidden in the
shadows where nobody could see them, their lips meeting all too short,
before they had to go out again, out into the light, into the public,
into the hiding of their feelings. He still wondered if his brother
knew about them. If he had been here even this last goodbye would have
been impossible.

But then again, if Sho had known something they'd probably been long
dead by now...

Another voice rung through the hall, asking the passengers of Kayin's
plane to go on board. The blond threw his bag over his shoulder and
together they slowly walked toward the point only people with a plane
ticked could pass in silence.

"Well, it'll be nice not to see your stupid face every day, for a
chance." Kayin grinned as they finally shook their hands at their
paring point. Eiji nodded.

"Yeah, and we now can finally live happily again, like we did before
you came." he replied.

Kayin just grinned once more and then he turned to leave, but his hand
refused to leave Eiji's strong fingers and they remained there for a
few more meaningful seconds, neither of them wanting to let go.

But in the end they had to.

A few minutes later Eiji stood by the window again, looking at the
shining white plane that was soon going to take his friend away from
him. It was too far away, too far to make out anything behind the
small shiny windows, but he knew that Kayin was probably looking at
him now, looking at him form inside that big white thing, and so he
rouse his hand in a vain attempt to wave.

His fingers touched the glass again. It still felt cold. So cold.

He tried very hard not to cry as he watched the airplane start to
roll, as it lost touch with the asphalt and finally disappeared into
the light of the early morning sun.

-^-^-^-

Five Years later:

Eiji stared at the ground. Just stared at the ground. He didn't see
the people rushing by them, didn't hear the voices coming out of the
boxes. He couldn't bring himself to rise his head and look at him, not
now, not ever. He remembered that day, years ago, when he also had
stood here, at the same airport, by the same window, beside the same
person whom he had then, like now, not been able to look at.

He had thought that day, that he could never feel that bad in his
entire life. He was wrong. This was worse. He had lived through so
many painful moments since then, and this was one of the worst. Right
now he could feel nothing but a cold, pain filled emptiness in which
he could very clearly feel a part of him die, to join another part
that was already dead for a long time. It was ending, he knew it,
somewhere along the way it had all started to slip through his fingers
and there was nothing he could do to stop it, and soon his hands would
be empty, as empty as his eyes that could not cry, weren't allowed to
cry the tears he had to shead for the ones he loved, and the ones he
had lost.

He had known for a long time that he was loosing Kayin, just like he
had lost his brother. He had known it but would not accept it, just
ignored the fact that he was slowly falling away from him until he was
finally out of reach, for him, for everyone and the world, even for
himself, but -

(Would I have been able to stop it?)

- deep inside, in some hidden and ignored corner of his mind he had
already known that it was going to end, that he had lost his friend
the very moment he had said goodbye to him, at the same airport, at
the same window, five years ago.

(But it's my fault, isn't it?)

He had known, that day, that it would never again be as it had been,
before he left, but he never would have thought the changes would be
so drastic. He and Kayin, they never again became that close, never
again became close to anyone. Their past still hung between them like
a shadow, something they both wanted to hold on to, but couldn't,
because it slipped through their fingers like sand, as much as they
wanted to keep it. Too much had been lost in those few fateful years,
too much had been destroyed.

They never talked about it, never mentioned it with a single word, for
it would have been wasted and could never reach across the gab that
had opened between them, but it was still there, always, always, the
words -

(I love you!)

- neither of them were able to say but that could still be heard deep
inside their hearts. Lonely hearts. Cold hearts. Empty hearts. A
hollow space where those words could ring through in endless
repetition, the eternal echo of a time that now was nothing but a
memory.

The gab became wider and wider, and he had tried so hart -

(I need you!)

- not to see it, but when Kayin had appeared on his doorstep only two
days ago without warning, looking tired and weary, he had known in the
very second he'd seen him that he had come all the way to Japan, all
the long and useless way to his best friend, his greatest rival and
only love to say goodbye.

He had said that he could not stay for long, only for a day or two. He
had said that he had to do something, somewhere and Eiji had just
nodded -

(Don't leave me!)

- and not asked. It was ending.

Kayin didn't have anything with him but a small bag with the few most
necessary things he'd need for a rather short journey. He didn't even
have his sword with him, he had left it with Naru, in Scotland, which
only meant that he would never need it again. Eiji felt sorry for that
girl, for she, too, had now to learn what it meant to be alone.

He was still staring at the floor. He knew Kayin was looking at him
with his weary eyes, smiling that little tired, sad smile of his Eiji
had seen far too often in the past two days, but he could not rise his
head to return his gaze, not yet.

He didn't even know -

(Don't leave me!)

-where his plane was going to. He'd only have to rise his head to read
the names of every city it would be stopping at, but -

(Don't leave me!)

- he didn't. It was useless.

He couldn't stop thinking about sand, and how it was slipping through
his fingers. How he could not stop it, no matter how hart he tried.
About how his hands would be empty by any second.

He rouse his head and looked at Kayin and he knew that he would never
see him again.

He was not smiling. He just looked at him, silently, looking
incredible tired, like an old man who knew that there was no time left
for him to live. No time at all. No time.

Eiji looked into his eyes and lost himself in the memory oft the time
they had when they were younger, a time that now seemed so incredibly
long ago, like another lifetime, and in the memory of the kisses they
had shared, in the middle of the night, hidden in the shadows where
nobody could see them. He looked into his eyes and knew that the
shadows behind them were too deep for anyone to ever see the secrets
that were hidden in it. Maybe it was better that way.

Neither of them spoke a word when a cheerful female voice came out of
the box high above their heads and told them that it was now time for
Kayin to go to his plane. Eiji just looked at him, memorizing every
detail and thought that after all that time, after all these changes,
he was still so very beautiful. He could not help but smile, and Kayin
smiled back, not a real smile but a honest one. Then he turned around
and went away. This time, he went alone.

Eiji just remained standing where he was, he did not follow him this
time and he knew that he was not expected to. He didn't even say
goodbye. He had already done that a long time ago.

So he just stood there, watching his friend walking away from him,
slowly, wearily, and tired, a man who had reached the end of his life
at the age of twenty-four.

He watched until he was around the corner and out of sight, and Kayin
never once stopped in his steps and he never once looked back.

Eiji looked out of the large window and saw the plane standing in the
distance. Again he could see nothing behind the shimmering small
windows, but this time he knew that Kayin was not looking at him, that
he was just sitting there in his seat, looking onto the floor, his
hair hanging in his face, closing him off to the world. To him. He
knew that he would not look out of the window until the plane was up
in the air and very far away from Japan. And just as it started to
move, Eiji turned around and left, not being able to stay and watch
this big white machine take his friend away from him, knowing that
this time he would not come back. So he left. He turned his back to
the cold glass and the painful sight behind it and walked away from
the window, through the hall and out of the airport, trying to stay
away from the crowd and hiding his tears in the shadows where nobody
could see them.

-end-

October 20^th, 2001