Beyblade Fan Fiction ❯ Injury ❯ Rei speaks ( Chapter 2 )

Title: Injury; Rei speaks

Author: Kameko-chan

Pairings: Kai/Rei

Warnings: Dark-ish. Unhappy ending.

Notes: Gah, this one's even weirder than the last. Seriously, don't ask. Just don't ask. Rei's POV.

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I'm not sure why I stopped loving you.

It wasn't like when I fell in love with you, where it hit me hard and fast and left me in a wonderful daze. No, falling out of love was different; it was slow, it was painful, it was as though something drained away my soul. And yet I can't remember why, I can't remember what triggered this onslaught of apathy. Why? I try so hard, but I can't think of why. Maybe I suppressed it. Maybe it didn't happen. Maybe I'm just an asshole.

Everyone always says, "It's not you, it's me." Everyone says it, in some desperate stab at comfort, but I can't, because I don't know who it is. Maybe something about you makes me hate you. Whose fault would that be, yours or mine? What good would it do, anyways? These labels, the blame game, it's all just in a vain attempt to make sense of something senseless. The reality is madness.

You're dying inside; I can see it happening right before my eyes, day by day. Every time I look, your eyes get a little duller, your voice gets a little softer, your movements a little more listless. If I don't free you from this prison, one day you'll do it yourself. I know it, I've seen that desperate pleading when you've looked at me, on those rare days when you've got enough energy to manage it. Let me go, you plead, let me go before I leave another way. I can't take this life much longer.

I often wonder why I haven't woken up one day to find an empty apartment. Do you really still feel so attached to me, so tethered, so trapped? Why? Once again, I can't find reason, and maybe I'm not supposed to. I haven't given you any reason to stay, and yet you do. I have no reason to stay, and yet I do. Could it be love? Or is it simply because neither of us has anywhere to go? Your family is dead, and I'm too ashamed of what I've become to go back to mine.

You still look beautiful when you sleep, you know. I wonder what you could be dreaming of to look so peaceful there, awash in moonglow. A life away from me? A life with me? Hell, are you just dreaming of a life? Anything would be better than what we have now. I know, because I've dreamt the same things.

I idly trace your strange blue tattoos, whose origin you wouldn't speak of even when we were talking. You smile, for the first time in years I see you smile, and you lean in gently to the touch. I shiver and pull away quickly, and you look slightly disappointed before you resume your usual sleeping countenance.

God, even after everything I put you through... you still love me, don't you? I know it in an instant, and it scares me. My head swims. A thousand questions you've voiced though your gaze haunt me. A hundred whys I can't answer burn through my brain.

Why are you here?

Why don't you leave me in peace?

Why don't you kill me and get it over with?

Why don't you love me any more?

"But I do."

The words slip out before I can stop them. I clamp a hand over my mouth and watch you carefully, but all you do is give a little sigh and roll over. I relax.

Love you? Ha, that's rich. If I truly loved you, I'd have left a long time ago. Shit, if I loved you, we wouldn't be in this situation, right? I'd be happy, you'd be happy, and everything would still be sunshine and rainbows, like in the old days. I can't love you. I refuse to believe that I love you.

Why am I still here, then? Why haven't I moved on with my life, found someone I can love?

Why, why, fucking WHY?

I feel a tug as your fingers latch onto my hair while you sleep. Subconsciously, I begin to untangle the strands from your grasp, replacing the sleek black hairs with my fingers. Our hands entwine easily, like an old dance we both know too well.

I look at your hand clasped in mine.

Oh, shit. I do love you. In fact, I love you a LOT. Damn it, Kai, I love you too much. I love you so much that I just can't handle it. I love you so much that I had to stop loving you altogether, just to cope.

So, that's the answer to that why. All this time I've put you through hell, and for what? Because I can't cope with my feelings? Because I'm a selfish jackass? I hate myself. I love you.

How do I fix this?

Run.

I've known from the start. I love you too much for it to ever work. We'll never work, because I don't have the strength to love you, I don't have the courage. I'm a coward. If I love you as much as I think I might, then I should leave you to pick up the pieces of the life I threw to the floor and ground under my heel. I should let you find someone to help you sweep up the dust.

Strange. The thought of you with someone else doesn't anger me. Doesn't make me feel anything, really.

Love is strange.

It's happening to quickly. I'm packing away my life in a single suitcase with barely a second thought and it's for you, Kai, all for you. The apartment's spinning, or maybe that's just my mind.

I'm packed, I'm ready. I look at you one last time. You're still asleep, still with that same peaceful look that hasn't seen daylight in years.

I wish we could have worked.

I love you.

Of course, you can never know that.

And I'm gone.

***

Kai knew as soon as he opened his eyes that the other was gone. Rei's very essence had seeped out of the tiny apartment; not even his scent lingered to remind Kai of what had been his life for the last three years.

He was bewildered. He couldn't believe it. After all this time...

"I'm free."

Tears fall.

"I love you, too."

~FIN~