Bubblegum Crisis Fan Fiction / Gundam Wing Fan Fiction / Tenchi Muyo Fan Fiction / Fan Fiction ❯ The New Celebrity Jeopardy ❯ Night 1: Priss, Trieze, and Woody Woodpecker ( Chapter 1 )

Celebrity Jeopardy

by Dark Wizard

DISCLAIMER: All characters are copyrighted property of their respective owners.

(Music plays in background as audience applause and lights come up. Alex Trebek goes to his podium looking extremely peeved.)

ALEX: Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. As you all know we've switched from having games with real celebrities to ones starring fictional, pop-culture icons in hopes that we could get some quality and seriousness back to this program. (laughs) Fat chance. Let's look at the contestants and their scores. In the lead is Bubblegum Crisis heroine Priss with zero.

PRISS: Piss on me, Trebek.

ALEX: …sure. In second place is Gundam Wing villain Trieze Khushrenada with negative $6500.

TRIEZE: It would appear as though I have failed, but every battle has its share of failures. Wars are like that. For every victory one can have a thousand defeats. This hardly seems efficient, but the true problem is our obsession with efficiency. We treat failure in anything as a sign of weakness or unworthiness. But by doing that, we are in effect looking down on our humanity, on our very being. We shouldn't do that, for it only further disenfranchises the thousands of brave soldiers who fight with every bit of strength in their mind, their body, their soul but still cannot overcome an enemy who is simply too powerful. We should instead look at the fact that they fought with all they had, for it shows that they were weak but refused to be held back by that weakness.

ALEX: Mr. Trieze, I swear to God that if talk like that again I will seriously hurt you. And finally, in last place is cartoon idol Woody Woodpecker with negative $17,000 dollars.

WOODY: Well Alex, looks like I've met my Waterloose! Hu-hu-hu-ha-ha! Hu-hu-hu-ha-ha! Huhuhuhuhuuu!

ALEX: I never imagined that you'd be as stupid as you are annoying. Let's look at the categories. And they are:

*Potent Potables

*Famous Character Themes

*Shoes

*The One-Dollar Bill

*Giant Weapons that start with Gund (eyes Trieze)

*The third day of the Week

*Arts and Leisure

and finally,

*Spicy foods.

Ms. Priss, you're in the lead so you go first.

PRISS: Aww, f*** it! I'll take motorcycles for 500.

ALEX: That's not a category.

PRISS: Why the f*** not? Piss me off! Oh, fine! I'll take Arts and Leisure for 200!

ALEX: And the answer is: This outdoor activity involves bathing in the sun.

(buzz)

ALEX: Yes, Mr. Woodpecker?

WOODY: What is a death bath?

ALEX: No.

WOODY: Why not? You ever tried bathing in the sun? What else could it be?

ALEX: No! Anyone else?

(buzz)

ALEX: Mr. Trieze.

TRIEZE: It can only be sunbathing, a very relaxing activity that I find quite refreshing. For even in war, one must have time for rest. Having to face the horrors of war are perfectly suitable pretences for a long vacation.

ALEX: No, you have to answer it in the form of a question. Ms. Priss?

PRISS: What the f*** do you want, Trebek?

ALEX: (taken back) I…I thought you might want to answer the question.

PRISS: Answer this, asshole! (Gives him the finger)

ALEX: The answer was sunbathing. Mr. Trieze, you would have gotten it right if you hadn't insisted on giving a meaningless lecture in the process. Ms. Priss, the board is still yours.

PRISS: I'll take motorcycles for 300!

ALEX: Mr. Trieze, why don't pick the category.

PRISS: What?

TRIEZE: At last, the first phase begins. I'll take…a tragedy! I am struck with indecision!

ALEX: That won't be the only thing you'll be struck with if you keep acting like that, Mr. Trieze. Here, let's make it easy for you and choose Giant weapons that start with Gund for 600. And the answer is: These highly powerful "Mobile Suits" are armored with a space-made alloy.

TRIEZE: ….hmmm….

ALEX: (Stares at Trieze with disbelief) There were five of them, Mr. Trieze. You built a sixth, as I recall.

(buzz)

ALEX: Ms. Priss?

PRISS: Why the f*** does this moron get the board?

ALEX: Ms. Priss, I would really prefer not to argue it right now.

PRISS: Don't give me that bullshit, Trebek!

(buzz)

ALEX: Mr. Woodpecker.

WOODY: What is a gundrop!

ALEX: Mr. Woodpecker, there's no such thing. It sounds like you're playing on the word gumdrop.

WOODY: Exactly! Ain't I a comic genius! Hu-hu-hu-ha-ha! Hu-hu-hu-ha-ha! Huhuhuhuhuuu!

ALEX: Time's up. Mr. Trieze, what have you been smoking?

TRIEZE: What are you implying, Alex?

ALEX: I'm implying that you're using some kind of mind-altering drug, because that's the only explanation as to why you didn't get that question right! The answer was "Gundam" for God's sake!

TRIEZE: With such glib and unspecified, uninspired clues such as the ones you gave me, what right do you have to judge my personal activities?

ALEX: …Someone shoot me now.

(buzz)

ALEX: Yes, Ms. Priss you can the friggin board back!

PRISS: About f***ing time! I'll take motorcycles for 800.

ALEX: You just never learn, do you? Mr. Woodpecker, the board is yours!

PRISS: F***!!!

WOODY: I'll take Famous Character Themes for 300.

ALEX: And it's our Audio Daily Double. The clip you are about to hear will give you the clue and you should give the appropriate answer.

(Clip plays the theme song of Popeye)

(buzz)

ALEX: Mr. Woodpecker.

WOODY: Who is Mr. T.

ALEX: No, it's not Mr. T. Anyone else, please.

(buzz)

ALEX: Mr. Trieze.

TRIEZE: This little man, singing this song about himself…he is the perfect example of what a soldier should be like. Clear-thinking with a full view of the situation but able to balance it with the necessity of living life, with being happy. Oh, it's beautiful, I tell you, beautiful!

ALEX: …No, Mr. Trieze.

(buzz)

ALEX: Ms. Priss?

PRISS: Who is Renegade?

ALEX: For the love of God, Ms. Priss, we have nothing related to motorcycles! Nothing!

PRISS: What do you have against motorcycles Trebek?

ALEX: Nothing, it's just that…

PRISS: Asshole! You're just another one of those fascist creeps who don't give a shit and penny about the likes and desires of the modern day world!

TRIEZE: Such can be dangerous. Refusal to accept the new can only lead to the eternal reign of the old, leaving a world that has no future, only an ongoing past.

PRISS: Shut you're f***ing hole soldier boy!

ALEX: Thank you, Ms. Priss.

PRISS: Same goes for you, Trebek!

ALEX: You're all wrong. The answer was Popeye. It was the theme song for Popeye.

WOODY: No it's not! I happen to personally know Popeye! And that's not his theme music!

ALEX: What is it then, Mr. Woodpecker?

WOODY: Dun-dun-dun-dun, dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun! Dun-dun-dun-dun…

ALEX: You know what, let's just go to Final Jeopardy! And the category is…(reads card) ok, I think this is much too difficult for you. Just put down where you're from.

(music begins in background)

ALEX: It could be an animated series, or Hollywood, or Japan for some of you, or you could even put down a drawing board. Just write where you're from.

(Music ends. Priss slams down her pen looking extremely PO'd, Trieze continues writing, and Woody begins playing with his pen.)

ALEX: Time's up, so let's see what you put down. Mr. Woodpecker wrote "Japan," and he wagered "700 million yen." My God…

WOODY: What's wrong with that answer? You said some of us were from Japan.

ALEX: Mr. Woodpecker you just don't seem to realize what a total dumbass you are. That's very sad. Now onto Mr. Trieze, who's still writing his answer but we'll look at what he has so far. He wrote: "Where am I from? Where is everyone else from? How can we base identity with our origin? Yes, it is true that our places of origin can impact us; however, they do not determine us. This kind of judgement is…," I think we've all heard enough. Mr. Trieze, you should be ashamed of yourself, you can't even tell us where you're from in a mere thirty seconds.

TRIEZE: Time, time is the greatest and deadliest enemy a soldier can have. Time is…

ALEX: Mr. Trieze, please shut up. And last and certainly not the least, Ms. Priss, tell us where you're from. I'm guessing the fiery depths of Hell, but you wrote…(astonished) "Bubblegum Crisis." Dear God, this is amazing! Are we recording this?

PRISS: Just hurry up and cut to the goddamned chase Trebek!

ALEX: Yes, of course. Your wager was: "Motorcycles rock, so f*** you Trebek!"

(Priss smirks and flips him the bird on both hands.)

ALEX: Well that concludes Celebrity Jeopardy. I'm going to speak to my producer and demand to know what I did to deserve this.