Card Captor Sakura Fan Fiction ❯ Akogare ❯ Chapter 4

************************************************ ***************************************

Akogare (Longing)

A CCS fanfic by Sakura

Standard disclaimers apply.

'Yokan' and 'Koko ni Kite' romanization and (terrible) translation for both songs mine.

Feedback will be very much appreciated.

******************************************************************* ********************

samishisa nara narete iru yo

umareta toki kara

demo me no mae ni

sashidasareta ude ni

omowazu kokoro yurete

I've been used to sadness

ever since I was born.

But seeing this arm holding out before me,

my heart flutters, unbidden.

- 'Yokan' (Premonition)

There was silence everywhere; the unnerving, deafening kind. It was there as soon as his eyes flew open and saw the whiteness drifting outside his bedroom window, then at the breakfast table when he reached for the papers over his morning tea, even when he stepped outside in the cold and walked to school with his glasses misting over. Now in the dim empty foyer of the school, he stood in front of his shoe locker and pulled off the gloves from his hands, wincing at the sudden chill.

He lifted the door of his locker, slightly taken aback by the sharp grating sound made by the rusty metal as it raised on its hinges. A glance at his watch told him that it was already 7:05. He reached for his school shoes. He was later than usual, which meant that Tomoyo had won the race that morning. He inwardly smiled at the thought, then raised an eyebrow as his fingers brushed against something unfamiliar. A small white envelope. He drew it out and squinted at it in the dim light, barely making out something written: To Hiiragizawa Eriol-sama.

Turning it around, he read aloud, eyes widening, "...From a secret admirer."

***

There was silence everywhere; the unnerving, deafening kind --- even in the music room where she sat on a chair by the window and gazed outside at the snow, and he, slumped forward on the piano, leaned his face against his arm and watched her.

"Winter is always like this, don't you think?" she mused aloud, reaching out a finger to press against the frosted pane and draw a circle. "So quiet. It's as if everything suddenly stops, suspended in the cold."

"The whole world, frozen to death," he remarked absently, his eyes trailing from her idle finger on the pane to the long, dark tresses swirling and dancing on her sweater, up to the graceful chin, the red lips, the delicate nose, the half-lidded violet eyes, the long lashes. Winter made her even more beautifully pale, and the warmth from the old rickety heater in the corner brought out a soft flush in her cheeks.

I will be waiting at the rooftop after class today, the letter had read. Please come.

Did Tomoyo write that letter? The handwriting on the letter was neat and precise, and judging from the occasional glimpses he got of her notebooks, it looked pretty much like hers. And she came before him that morning so she surely had enough time to slip it in his locker. Unable to help himself, he imagined himself eagerly running up the stairs after class, pausing at the final landing to look up and see those lovely violet eyes smiling down at him, and the heat suddenly rose to his face at the thought. The small sane voice in his head was livid. What are you blushing for, you dolt?

He quickly buried his face in his arms and felt like knocking his head against the piano. Twice.

"Hiiragizawa-kun?" he heard her call.

"I'm taking a short nap," he mumbled.

She laughed. "But you just got up!"

"I'm still sleepy."

"Good night then," she whispered. Then, softly, she started to sing a lullaby. His eyes flew open. Nobody had ever sung to him before, not even his mother, who used to tuck him into bed with nothing but an embrace that was too brief, too cold. But now Tomoyo was singing to him, and it was beautiful---

hitomi o tojite, kokoro no naka o mitsumeteru

dare o matsu no?

chiheisen no mukou kara

kikoete kuru koe o kiite iru

koko ni kite

You close your eyes and peer into the depths of your heart.

Who are you waiting for?

Listening to a voice drifting in from beyond the horizon:

come here.

and soon his eyes were closed and her soft, lilting voice had him foolishly dreaming of drifting on a midnight sea and sailing after the stars, entranced by the vision of her perched on the moon smiling down at him, holding out a pale hand and calling him Eriol, not Hiiragizawa-kun, but Eriol---

Then the first bell rang.

***

Sketched on the blackboard was a big umbrella, under which two names were spelled out in big characters:

Hiiragizawa Eriol - Daidouji Tomoyo

The people in the classroom murmured and giggled at the sight. That's right, haven't they been spending a lot of time together lately? Takashi-kun even saw them together in the music room early this morning. I bet they come to school early so they can have some time alone before the other students arrive. That's so romantic!

"What do you think?" Sakura worriedly asked. "Should I erase it before they see it, or--"

"It's too late for that now," Syaoran quietly said, and sure enough Eriol and Tomoyo were already standing there, stunned before the whole spectacle. The room fell silent as all eyes turned to them, awaiting their next move. Some people started murmuring excitedly among themselves.

Tomoyo then blinked and smiled weakly. "Good morning."

"G'morning, Tomoyo-chan," Sakura quickly responded. "Good morning, Eriol-kun."

Eriol didn't say a word.

He was still standing, eyes fixed on the blackboard. Without a glance at anyone, he calmly set down his satchel and walked to the front of the room, took the eraser and firmly removed the joke with swift strokes.

***

To Hiiragizawa Eriol-sama. You may not know who I am but I certainly know you, for I have been watching you for some time now. The truth is, I think you're one of the nicest guys in the whole school. You're always smiling and being kind to everybody, you're really smart, and you play the piano so well... I've always wanted to come up and talk to you and maybe tell you how I really feel about you, but I haven't summoned enough courage to do so until now.

If it's all right with you, please come up to the rooftop after class today. I will be waiting there.

From a secret admirer.

***

Unnerving, deafening silence.

Eriol lifted his eyes from the letter and looked around him. He was all alone in the classroom. The others had apparently gone out to eat their lunch someplace warmer. He didn't mind the cold as much as the others did; there were much more important things to worry about.

He glanced back down at the letter and sighed. He was starting to doubt the possibility that it came from Tomoyo herself. She didn't hint at anything special after class, and she wasn't exactly acting like she had the pre-confession jitters. Besides, he knew she didn't like him that way. He shook his head, folded the letter, and slipped it under his desk.

The umbrella didn't appear again on the blackboard after he had erased it, but somehow all he had to do was look at Tomoyo and there it would be, taunting him, laughing in his face. For her part, it seemed like she was thinking about it as well, for when he tapped on her shoulder once to return a pen she lent him, she positively jumped in her seat like a hysterical jack-in-the-box. Later on she didn't even look him in the eye when she asked him if he would like to go with them to the cafeteria for lunch. It was hard enough carrying on a conversation with all that jeering and whistling in the background.

Oh well, the whole mess was inevitable. They should've been more careful about their talking in the music room and their walking home together. After all, not everyone would understand that they were just being...well, friends. Close friends. That's all they were, weren't they? Just friends, he repeated in his mind, as if trying to convince himself.

That's right, Tomoyo loved Sakura; although whether she still did or not, he didn't really know. They never talked about it, and he didn't really feel like asking her. He didn't think he had the right to do so. But he secretly watched her every time they walked home with Sakura and Syaoran and she appeared to be back to her old self, often smiling at them, sometimes teasing them and laughing delightedly at the sight of their red faces...

Or maybe that was just how he wanted things to be. Maybe inside of her there was a Tomoyo he didn't know existed, a Tomoyo whose violet eyes still clouded over with pain---

You fool, scoffed the small sane voice in his head, the one that probably belonged to his other soul. Look at yourself --- moping over a girl like a lovesick puppy. This is beyond you, or have you forgotten? Loving just complicates matters. It is something you can definitely do without.

And he was right. Clow had never loved. His creations --- Cerberus, Yue, the Cards --- they were all crafted out of necessity, even boredom perhaps, and though he regarded them all with affection and took good care of them, he never loved them. Not deeply, not in the real sense of the word. He was a man who believed that nothing was worthy enough to deserve his heart. That was why he was never moved by the sight of seeing someone else cry, or never was he possessed by the urge to reach out and hold someone in his arms. He just sat back and smiled at the world, content, heart conveniently hidden from view.

And for a while he was exactly like Clow.

But then she came and he fell apart in shambles.

What else do you want to remember for the rest of your life? she had asked, curiously, and for a moment he was afraid he was about to come right out and say you, because he realized for the first time that it was true. And even if he were to be reborn again, he still wanted a reminder of her smiling face or maybe a fragment of her lullaby, and he will tuck it away, tenderly, into a secret place where no one, not even Clow, would be able to find it.

The other soul in him sighed, defeated. So you love her, then?

Yes, he replied, softly.

You know that she might not feel the same way.

Even so.

You won't regret this?

Never.

***

Sakura regarded Tomoyo with thoughtful green eyes in the mirror of the empty washroom.

"Tomoyo-chan, are you still mad about that thing on the blackboard this morning?"

"No," Tomoyo shook her head, running a brush down her long dark hair. "Actually, I wasn't mad at all."

"But you looked kind of shocked when you came in and saw it."

"It was pretty shocking at first, but it was really just a prank."

Sakura bent over the sink and splashed water on her face. "You and Eriol-kun are just friends, right?"

"That's right," she answered without thinking.

"But you two have been awful close lately so it's no wonder that they---" Sakura straightened up and wiped her face with her towel, "---well, you know. Although I can see that you really care about each other a lot."

Silence.

"Tomoyo-chan," Sakura hesitated, "it's probably none of my business but---"

She then turned to her best friend. "---what do you think of Eriol-kun?"

Tomoyo looked stunned for a moment, then burst out laughing. "What in the world are you saying?"

"Tell me," Sakura persisted firmly. "I want to know."

Tomoyo stared back, deciding to give in. "I think Hiiragizawa-kun's a very nice and gentle person."

"And?"

"And I think he has a great sense of humor."

"And?"

"Sakura-chan," Tomoyo laughed again, "just what is this all about?"

"I just thought that maybe..." Sakura's green eyes sparkled, "...well, maybe you and Eriol-kun can get together or something."

So that was it. Tomoyo's voice was oddly flat as she paused to pocket her brush. "I see."

"I've been watching you walk home together and I thought you looked perfect for each other," Sakura pointed out.

Tomoyo's face was blank. "Shouldn't we be heading back to the classroom now?"

Her best friend turned to her and caught her hands in her own. "Tomoyo-chan," her voice was soft, "I just want you to be happy."

Tomoyo stared. "But I am happy, remember? I told you before --- your happiness is my happiness as well."

Sakura's grip tightened. "Really? When Syaoran-kun came back to stay with me, did that honestly make you happy?"

Tomoyo was momentarily taken aback by her friend's sudden outburst. Staring into those green eyes, she realized with a pang that Sakura had read her heart and knew everything. Right from the start. The hurt that she thought she had finally sealed off months ago now started to seep back, slowly, painfully.

"Sakura-chan---" she whispered, but she gently cut her off.

"We've been best friends for years. We've been through a lot together and we probably know each other more than anyone else. Or at least for some time I thought I did," Sakura paused, "until I realized that I was being dense about a lot of things. Not just about Syaoran-kun and Yukito-san back then, but also about you."

Tomoyo looked away.

"I really should be apologizing now. Even though I know it wouldn't really help matters any, I just want you to know that--" Sakura's eyes started to fill with tears, "--I'm so sorry. You cared for me so much and I was so insensitive, I didn't give back as much as you deserved, and...I was such a jerk. I'm sorry, I really am..."

Tomoyo didn't move. After some time, she shook her head. "There's nothing to be sorry about, Sakura-chan."

"But there is," she sniffled, "a lot. So much! Back then, did you know how hard it was for me to see you looking so sad like that? You weren't laughing anymore; you were just sitting there, staring at your hands. I was so worried, but there was nothing I could do."

Those days spent alone in the music room, crying in secret --- Sakura knew them all. Tomoyo dazedly stared down at the floor while her best friend wiped the tears off with the back of her hand.

"But there was Eriol-kun. The first time I saw you together was when we went out for ice cream and I didn't really give it much thought, not until I saw you again and I was so surprised to see that you were actually smiling. It was him. Eriol-kun made you smile, he made you laugh, and even kid around like you used to." Through the tears, Sakura smiled faintly. "He brought the old you back, and I was so relieved. Then I thought, maybe--"

"But Hiiragizawa-kun and I are just friends." Tomoyo's voice was weak.

Sakura persisted. "But someday it may turn into something more, right? You can never really tell..."

Tomoyo's head was reeling --- this was Sakura smiling bravely through the tears, reaching out to hold her hand and telling her, gently, that yes, she knew she loved her. And she was sorry for not realizing it sooner. And she was sorry she wasn't able to love her back as much as she always had. And she was sorry she hurt her feelings.

But then she loved Syaoran-kun the most. Should she be sorry for that as well?

"No," Tomoyo whispered in turn, eyes stinging with tears, "because that makes you happy. I am happy because you are happy."

Sakura's hands reached up to frame her face, carefully cradling it between her palms as if she were very, very fragile.

"But Tomoyo-chan, happy people don't cry."

***

Silence --- the unnerving, deafening kind.

Eriol took off his glasses and slid them into his pocket, gently closing the door behind him with a click. He was right; the secret admirer was not Tomoyo but a girl from another class whose face he had probably seen somewhere before but didn't register in his mind. She had stood in front of him, hands nervously clasping and unclasping, voice wavering.

Hiiragizawa-kun, I like you very much.

And how he stared at the snow falling around them, wondering how something so beautiful could be so sad at the same time. He stood watching the gray sky for some time before it occurred to him that she was still standing there, waiting for his response.

He took a deep breath.

Well, I...

His dark blue eyes drifted back to her hopeful smile---

I'm sorry.

---and watched it fade away.

The memory made him wince as he walked down the stairs, back to the classroom to retrieve his books. Congratulations, that's one heart broken. After that humiliating ordeal he had bowed and decided to leave her alone, afraid that if he stayed a moment longer he would actually see tears.

A sob sounded out.

Was that the girl at the rooftop?

No, it sounded like it came from somewhere near him.

Eriol looked up and saw that he was standing in front of the music room. Gently moving the door back, he peeked inside and found Tomoyo sitting by the window, face buried in her hands.

Tears.

"Daidouji-san?" he asked softly, and she visibly stiffened. Without thinking he crossed the room to her side, knelt down and put a hand on her trembling shoulder. "What's wrong? Did something happen?"

She shook her head at that, violently.

Go away.

He drew back slightly, but his hand remained on her shoulder. "I know I shouldn't be asking you anything right now, but I just want to make sure that you'll be all right."

She took a deep breath. "I'm fine." Her voice was muffled from behind her fingers.

However unconvinced, he released her. "I'll leave you alone, then."

She didn't move.

"Daidouji-san, I'm leaving."

She looked up then, opening her mouth to say then hurry up , but she stared into his eyes --- now much more beautiful without the glasses --- saw her own tear-streaked face reflected in them and realized that he was lying, for the last thing he wanted to do was get up and leave her behind. But he had to go. Didn't he see that he wasn't helping matters any? But still he stayed there looking at her with those soft dark blue eyes until it was too late. She blindly reached out for him, buried her face in his neck and cried for all she was worth. His arms tightened around her in response and he gently pressed his face against her hair.

Outside, the snow continued to drift down --- white, shimmering, and endless.