Crossover Fan Fiction / Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction ❯ Lack of Sanity ❯ In Search Of... ( Chapter 1 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Lack of Sanity by JuwelsImplied: (Tseng x Reeve) (Rufus x Reno) (Cid x Vincent)Disclaimer: Final Fantasy VII is property of Square Enix.Warnings: Humor, Implied Yaoi, “Violence“, Language, Crossover, AU (Alternate Universe)Summary: Sanity comes at the highest of prices…

Reno gives a long, dragged sigh as he drinks his poison from his emergency flask. Its only for use in critical situations, but this was very urgent, according to Reno, anyway. He had just finished his first pack. Sitting in the lounge for so long made him grow bored. Once done, he caps the flask and attempts a free-throw into the nearest wastebasket. He missed.

Reno: “Rude’ll get it.” (He shifts in his seat. He’s lost track of time of how long he had been laying there as there was no work to do.) “Won’t be much longer ‘till the Turks are extinct.” (He slowly closes his eyes and falls into a deep sleep.)

He could hear a loud, annoying sound, kind of like a horn. He wasn’t too sure. It sounded like it was saying words, but horns can’t talk… It was getting louder now, coming closer and closer and-

A Voice: “Reno!”

Reno: “That hurts!” (He opens his eyes to consciousness. The first thing he saw was Tseng’s angry face.)

Tseng: “I’m glad. Now what the hell did you do here? I thought you were addicted to booze, not masturbation.” (Turns around to walk a couple of paces.)

Reno: “Only with a good-looking broad.” (Reno notices that his pants are unzipped, and finds out that he’s missing something.) “Where’re my shorts?”

Tseng: “I wasn’t even aware that you wore any.”

Reno: “I’m flattered. I never knew you tried to find out.”

Tseng’s face reddens at the comment. It was a good thing his back was turned or Reno would have had a field day with him.

Tseng: “Not the point.” (He turns slightly around to make sure Reno wasn’t doing anything worse than what he already had.) “Did you dress up yet?”

Reno: “Why? Miss my pretty face?”

Tseng: “Don’t get smart. Are you done?”

Reno: “Yeah, man.”

Tseng turns around the rest of the way to see Reno in the same position he had been when he first came in. The difference? He was clothed.

Tseng: “You have noticed that you drink too much, right?” (He moves closer to Reno.)

Reno: (while giving a quizzical look) “Yeah…”

Tseng: “Have you also noticed how you do crazy things when under the influence, such as this?”

Reno: “What makes you think I don’t do this at home?”

Tseng: “Just answer the question.”

Reno: “What is this? Law & Order?”

Tseng: “Reno.”

Reno: “You’ve got to lighten up, man. If you would have had all that booze in your system, you’d feel great, too.”

Tseng: “Masturbating?”
Reno: “Reminds me of a great joke.” (Reno stops Tseng as he goes to protest.) “No, come on, listen. If a wealthy woman named Cathy Bates were to have a son, their servants would address him as ‘Master Bates.’” (Reno starts to laugh.) “Get it? Master Bates, Masturbates?”

Tseng: “I fail to find that amusing.”

Reno: “Damn, forgot you’re preset for stern mode.”

Tseng: “You have no idea why I’m even having a conversation with you?”

Reno: “Because you’re lonely?”

Tseng: “I’ve just come from a meeting with Rufus and the other high positioned idiots in this company-”

Reno: “So now Reeve is an idiot?”
Tseng: “Not the point!” (Tseng could tell that Reno was enjoying the reddening that was starting to uncover on his face. It gave Tseng this pleasurable, swollen feeling, and it wasn’t only limited to his face.) “Among other matters, we’ve discussed your, how shall I put it, ‘inappropriate’ behavior.”

Reno: (shoots up from the couch) “You were talking about me behind my back?”

Tseng: “It’s called a ‘meeting’, Reno.” (Tseng even went out of his way to gesture little air quotes in case Reno was paying attention. He might not have caught the sarcasm. Liquor does that to him.)

Reno: “I thought we were friends.”

Tseng: “Business partners. We’re business partners, Reno. Now, for my point-”

Reno: “I thought that wasn’t the point.”

Tseng: “What wasn’t the point?”

Reno: “The point you were trying to make.”

Tseng: “Which one?”

Reno: “The one with the point.”

Tseng: “This isn’t the point!”

Reno: “Then stop giving me points! You’re scaring me.”

Tseng: “Ugh! Now I lost my train of thought.”

Reno: “Mine left hours ago.”

Tseng: “Yours never even gave signs of life. Now I remember-” (Walks in front of Reno and puts both hands on his shoulders.) “We’re sending you on a vacation.”

Reno: “Will you be supplying me with a surfboard, or should I bring my own?”

Tseng: “Funny. It’s not that kind of vacation. It’s the kind where you leave for a few months and come back a new man.”

Reno: “Trim Spa?”

Tseng: “No.”

Reno: “Strip Club?”

Tseng: “No.”

Reno: “Gay Bar?”

Tseng: (gives a long sigh) “We’re sending you to an AA group in downtown Midgar.”

Reno: “What?!” (Reno shakes Tseng off and begins to pace around the lounge, throwing his arms in the air.) “How could you? Sending me away to a strange place like the AA! Do you know what they do to people there? It’ll be murder!” (Stops pacing to face Tseng.) “What’s the AA?”

Tseng: (with an unchanged expression) “Alcoholics Anonymous.”

Reno: (gives a big gasp) “How could you?”

Tseng: “It’s for your own good.”

Reno: “You think I have a problem?”

Tseng: “Problem would not be my word of choice. ‘Significant distress’, maybe.”

Reno: “Is that some kind of disease?”

Tseng: “Get packing Reno.”

Reno: “You’re serious about this, right?”

Tseng: “Do I look otherwise?”

Reno: Reno looks Tseng up and down. “You look like you want to knock up Reeve.”

Tseng: “Get out.”

Reno: (Stands up straight and salutes.) “Sir!” (Reno then proceeds to march out of the lounge.)

Tseng sits himself on the couch as Reno scrambled out of the room. Tseng remembering what had happened on the couch, gets up and stares off into space. Just as his mind was rendering itself to total darkness, Reeve pops into his mind.

A Voice: “Uh, Tseng?”

Tseng: “Yes, dear?” Oh, shit. (He noticed who he had just addressed “dear” to. Reeve. What a coincidence.)

Reeve: “I, uh, hope I’m not disturbing you. It’s just that you and I were supposed to talk over some matters, and, well, I thought you had forgotten.”

Tseng: “Oh, no, of course not. It was just about to knock on you-I mean-you door! Haha! Knock on your door.” (Silence.) “We should get going.”

As Reno gets off the train (his car is in for repairs because of an accident while under the influence) he notices a familiar face.

Reno: “Rude?” (walks over to him)

Rude: “Hey, Reno.”

Reno: “What’re you doing here man?”

Rude: “Rufus and Tseng thought you were a bad influence on me, so they sent me to go to the AA with you.”

Reno: “Going with me to this meeting contradicts the whole concept of you getting help.”

Rude shrugs.

Reno: “Alright then. We leave!” (notices a bar on the other corner) “Right after this short intermission.” (gets dragged away by Rude)

As Rude and Reno are walking away from the train station, they notice a familiar face. They both fan away smoke as they move closer to Cid.

Reno: “If I were you, I’d leave before Rufus could find me.”

Cid: (blows a smoke ring) “Why? Are you two going to be doing the nasty out in the street?”

Rude gives a chuckle.

Reno: (turning red) “Very funny.”

Cid: “I know. Leave me alone now. Get lost.”

Rude: “We are.”

Cid gives Rude a look.

Reno: “We have no idea where we’re going.”

Cid: (drags on cigarette) “What’re you looking for?”

Rude: “The AA meeting.”

Cid: “This day just gets worse.”

Rude: “What do you mean?”

Cid: “I’m going there also.”

Reno: (gives Cid a look) “But you don’t drink!”

Cid: “Glad you were able to figure that out all by your lonesome! I’m looking for the SA.” (Reno and Rude stare back at him, confused) “Smokers Anonymous.”

Reno & Rude: “Ooohhhh.”

Rude: “But you just said that you’re looking for the AA.”

Cid: “Yeah, AA and SA decided to merge together.”

Reno: “Why?”

Cid: “No clue. Last meeting they were saying some fancy shitty words, but who was actually listening?”

Reno: “Just for the record- why start seeking help now?”

Cid: “Let’s just say that being with Vincent has its demands.” (takes another drag)

Rude: (while eyeing Cid’s cigarette) “Correct me if I’m wrong, but if you’re with the SA, aren’t you supposed to be quitting?”

Cid scowls as he discards his cigarette. All three start walking in what looks like an undetermined direction.

Reno: “Please tell me you know where you’re going at least.”

Cid: “Nope. I’m letting my male intuition guide me.”

Reno: “Life makes sense until you talk to Cid.”

They walk around for a long while.

Reno: “Is the male intuition kicking in yet?”

Cid: “Still waiting.”

They walk around some more.

Rude: “How about now?”

Cid: (snaps) “Would you have some fuckin’ confidence in me and shut up!”

Rude: “Sorry.”

After what seemed like forever, the three men find themselves in front of a building with a sign hanging above the front doorway saying: “AA, SA, AM, and other sort of counseling.”

Reno: (jumps up and down) “It’s right here!”
Cid: “No shit. Would you like your treat now or later?”

Rude: “I wonder what ‘AM’ stands for?”

Their attention is caught by some screaming that was coming from the door. There, they see a tall, black man holding a guard by the collar.

Reno: “I think I just found out.” (He, Cid and Rude walk over to the other men.)

Cid: “Barrett! How’s it going?”

Barrett: “How do ya think its going? This retard won’t let me in!”

Reno: (to Rude) “I wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that he’s hanging by the collar.”

Barrett: (lets go of guard and faces Reno) “Whacha say, fool?”

Reno: (hides behind Rude) “Hide me!”

Cid: (deciding to cut in) “Barrett, save it for the meeting. The counselor’s will love it.”

Barrett: (looking calmer) “True.” (turns back to the guard on the floor) “That’s if this punk feels like letting us in!”

Guard: (getting up from the floor) “I’m sorry, sir. I had no idea you were here for the meeting. I thought you were a thug or something…”

Barrett: (with rage) “It’s ‘cause I’m black, right?!”

Guard: (shields himself with his arms) “Please don’t hurt me!”

Cid: “Let’s get out of here before you get into an eve shittier mess.”

Reno, Barrett, and Rude follow closely behind Cid as he enters the building. The group starts to walks up a long staircase. After what seemed like forever, they finally get to the floor that has arrows and the same banner from the front door. The tenth floor. Barrett can be seen sweating to death, hardly able to catch all of his breath. As they search for the meeting room, an elevator bell dings.

Barrett: (going crazy) “There was an elevator?” (turns to Cid) “There was an elevator?!”

Cid: (coolly) “I know.”

Barrett: “Then why didn’t you tell me?!”

Cid: “You never asked.”

As Barrett starts to tear his hair out, Irvine comes out of the elevator.

Cid: “This day still keeps getting worse.”

Cid walks over to the front of a room and enters, dragging a reluctant Barrett along. In the room, there is a circle of chairs in the middle. Cid sits Barrett down on a chair before the big man can collapse.

Cid: “Look at it this way: You got in some exercise.” (Barrett shoots him a nasty look.) “Look at me like that again and you’ll never live to see another fuckin’ day.” (Barrett looks away as Cid seats himself down on the opposite end of the circle.)

Barrett: “I wonder what Vincent is doing?”

Cid: (sighs) “Me, too. I hope he’s still in bed, naked, with no blankets on, waiting for me to get home and fuck--”

Vincent: (appears in front of Cid) “I thought we talked about that vulgar language of yours.”

Cid: (jumps out of chair) “Vince!” (He goes to kiss him, but the other man backs away.)

Vincent: “I told you, no more of this until you get better.”

Cid: “What am I, dying?”

Barrett: “You will be if you keep smoking that pot.”

Cid: “B, do us all a favor and head on back to the hood.”

Barrett: (gets up) “What chu trying to say?”

Cid: “Do you have time?”

Three people come into the room before Cid and Barrett could start landing punches on each other.

We now switch to the other three men, who are outside in the hallway, exactly where Cid and Barrett had left them.

Irvine: (as he’s walking over to Rude and Reno) “What’s wrong with him?”

Reno: (shrugs) “I don’t know. Up until today, scientists are still wondering why his heart hasn’t given way.”

Rude: “I don’t recall you ever smoking or drinking.”

Irvine: “Nope.”

Reno: “Would you like to elaborate on that?”

Irvine: (laughs) “It’s kinda embarrassing.” (Reno and Rude step closer) “You see, Selphie was tired of me looking at other women, so she sent me here.”

Reno: “Never thought I’d live to see this happen. You can’t take the whore out of a man, just like you can’t tell a man ‘No’ when he wants his five more shots of liquor.”

Irvine: “That’s exactly what I said, except for the alcoholic part.”

Rude: (sees three people enter the room Cid had gone into) “We should get going.”

Reno: “Alright. Let’s go.”

(Reno, Rude, and Irvine follow after the three people. In the room, three more people come in, and with everyone seated in the circle of chairs, they are all in this order:

Vincent keeps sneaking peeks at Cid. He doesn’t stop, even though Cid doesn’t look back. Counselor #3 takes notes.

Cid can be seen blowing smoke rings, well, in his imagination anyway. Counselor #2 takes notes.

Irvine, right away, begins to stare at the pretty-girl’s crossed legs from across the circle. His eyes follow as she crosses and uncrosses her legs.

Reno starts to rock back and forth as he continuously murmurs the different names of beers. Rude is just sitting there, waiting for the meeting to begin. Counselor #1 takes notes.

Barrett, seated between two chatty men, becomes easily annoyed by them.

Guy #1: (to Barrett) “What do you call yourself?”

Barrett: (unwillingly) “….Barrett.” (the two guys smile at him.) What? (they keep smiling.) (sighs) “What do you two call yourselves?”

Guy #1: “Nicholas Blake.”

Guy #2: “Nicholas Goon.”

Both Nicks: “No relation.”

Barrett: “Right…”

Counselor #1 stands after some minutes.

Counselor #1: (clears his throat) “May I please have everyone’s attention? (everyone keeps doing their own thing) (in a louder voice) “I said: Can I please have your attention!!” (everybody looks up at him)

Barrett: (in a quiet whisper) “I thought I needed Anger Management classes…”

Counselor #1: “Now that I have everyone’s attention--” (stops briefly to see that Vincent is eyeing Cid and licking his lips. He then proceeds to hit him in the head with his papers.)

Cid: (gets up) “Would you like to take this up with me?” (Counselor #1 gives him a shiny lighter. With a happy smile, he sinks back into his chair.) “Carry on.”

Counselor #1: “Thank you. Now, as I was saying, my three colleagues and I are glad you were able to take time away from your busy lives to come to this meeting…”

Vincent: (thinking) The minute we get home, I’m stripping Cid and myself down. Then, we’ll take shower together. I’ll wash his erection, bathe it down with my tongue, send tingles up his spine, play with his-- Damn. I forgot I’m on a sex strike.

Cid: (thinking) This guy can talk more crap than I can. Once he shuts up, I’m trying out this new lighter on my secret stash. Fuck. I forgot I’m here to quit.

Irvine: (thinking) G-d, that girl is good-looking. I can’t wait ‘till she uncrosses her legs again. I’ll get to see if her panties are Pretty Pink. Pink is such a kinky color… Oh, forgot about Selphie.

Barrett: (thinking) Man, when is that ass going to shut up! He talks more crap than Cid does. And these two guys! I feel like throwing them out the window! Nah, can’t do that. Counselors’ll think I’m even crazier. Shit.

Reno: (thinking) Budlight, Heineken, Vodka, Budweiser, Coorslight…

Counselor #1: “… and that concludes my introduction. Now, for the fun part!”

All Guys that Were Thinking: “Ugh….”

Counselor #1: “For the rest of the day, each person will split up with their counselor to receive treatment. We will stop at 7pm, and continue this everyday for the next 4 months until you guys get better, or whichever comes first. So, lets go! (no one moves, only the other three counselors) “I said lets go!!”

Reno, Rude, Cid, Barrett, Vincent, Irvine, and the two Nicholas’s stand up, not knowing where to go. Counselor #1 takes Rude and Reno by the hands to a bar in the left corner of the room. Counselor #2 motions for Cid to follow him to the left corner with a couch and window. Counselor #3 pulls Vincent into a small room with a chair and comfy couch. Irvine follows the pretty-girl to another small room inside, leaving Barrett to stay with the two Nicholas’s.

N. Goon: “I think they forgot about us.”

Barrett: “No shit.”

N. Blake: “They told me that this would happen. Our counselor will be here in a couple of hours. No worries, though. We’ll have lots of fun--” (in sync with N. Goon) “Together!!”

Barrett groans and then proceeds to put his head in his hands.