D. Gray-man Fan Fiction ❯ I've Got A Lovely Bunch of Coconuts... ❯ I've Got A Lovely Bunch of Coconuts... ( One-Shot )

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Author's Note: Okay, don't ask where this one came from. I have no idea. It just randomly bit me. I don't even particularly LIKE this song. Also, this takes place more along the lines of the anime, where Allen has had at least one or two missions with Lavi already to his credit.

Disclaimer: I do not own any part of "D.Gray-man" or its characters. It all belongs to the brilliant Katsura Hoshino-sensei. I'm just playing in the sandbox of this beautiful and complex world.

Warning: This isn't supposed to make a whole hell of a lot of sense, so don't take it too seriously. It's just a bunch of cracked ideas tossed like a salad.

Credits: "I've Got A Lovely Bunch of Coconuts" was composed in 1944 by Fred Heatherton. It has been covered countless times, but the version I'm choosing to use is the Monty Python version. And yes, I know, this makes it totally anachronistic. But you know what else? This is an imaginary end of the Nineteenth Century. So I'm going to pretend that it's around. So there.

"I've Got A Lovely Bunch of Coconuts..."


There were times that Allen Walker really questioned whether Lavi was much of a good friend or not. True, he was a very skilled Exorcist for the Black Order, and he worked well with anyone within the Order -- even the sour-faced and anti-social Kanda Yuu -- and it was true that he was a wealth of information, and could be counted on to be able to gather information very quickly and efficiently. After a couple of missions with the cheerful young man, and having spent some of his free time inside the Order in with him, Allen rather enjoyed being on missions with Lavi in tow; Lavi always kept things lively and yet he could be counted on in a fight.

Nevertheless, there were times that Allen wished he'd never met the crazy redhead.

This was one of those times.

"Who spiked Lavi's drink?" Science Department team leader Reever Wenhamm murmured, his eyebrow arched in inquiry. He glared at Komui Lee, the overseer of the Science Department and the dispatcher of the Exorcists. "Shitsuchou?"

"Huh?" The Supervisor blinked in complete incomprehension. "Do what now?"

Lavi was singing quite loudly, and had a ring of people around him. Of course, it wasn't the fact that he was singing that was so bad. Nor was it even the fact that he was singing badly, like a raving drunk (though he'd only been drinking flavored water). What was bad was WHAT he was singing, which was pure, unadulterated crap. Upon hearing confirmation from Allen that he was British, Lavi had started singing the most bizarre song. Why the song had anything to do with Allen being British was something that no one could figure out, of course, because he was singing about coconuts.

"I've got a lo-ve-ly bunch of coconuts, there they are a-standin' in a row! Big ones, small ones, some as big as your head! Give 'em a twist, a flick of the wrist, that's the what the showman said!"

Allen rather wanted to crawl in a hole right now. Why'd he have to tell Lavi that he was British anyway? That idiot redhead seemed determined to make him commit suicide out of sheer humiliation!

"Let me know when he starts doing a strip tease," the elderly Bookman said wearily. "Then I'll pound him flat. But for now, leave him be."

Allen's jaw dropped open; even Lenalee looked a bit mortified. "He does that?"

"No, but I wouldn't put it past him. You'll have to forgive him, he gets a little wound up after tough missions, and he likes to cut loose, especially if he gets an audience. He's still a kid, after all."

"Um," Allen hesitated. "He said he's eighteen..."

"And compared to everyone but you, that's a kid," Reever said gently, ruffling Allen's white hair affectionately. Normally the team leader was more reverent with Exorcists, even Allen, but right now he was a couple of sheets to the wind and his tongue had loosened a bit. Allen didn't mind; he liked being treated like an equal. It seemed that these welcoming parties were all about the camaraderie, about making a new Exorcist feel a sense of belonging to the Order.

Right now the head chef Jerry was cornering Arystar Krory, the new Exorcist for whom this party was. The chef was trying to pry a list of favorite dishes from the flustered Romanian, who was confused because he had never even heard of most of the dishes that Jerry was listing off. Not that that deterred Jerry in the least.

Lavi appeared out of nowhere and hooked his arm around Allen's neck; "C'mon, Allen, sing with me! I've got a lo-ve-ly bunch o' coconuts. Every ball ya throw will make me rich! There stands me wife, the idol of me life, singin' 'roll a-bowl a ball, a penny a pitch!'"

Allen twisted out from underneath Lavi's grip. He wasn't sure if Lavi was in fact drunk (though he didn't recall seeing him partake of any alcohol, and most of the alcohol in the Order's building was so diluted that it was pretty hard to get intoxicated off it; Allen had learned that from listening to some of the Finders complaining about the watered-down alcohol.) but this wasn't amusing in any case. He really was not in the mood for this tomfoolery.

Fortunately, Lenalee rescued him by bringing him a small plate of mitarashi dangos and steering him over to the table where Krory was being swarmed by Jerry and some of the science department. The baron looked like he was on the verge of panicking; Lenalee and Allen's abrupt arrival in the midst of the gawkers and pests came as a clear welcome relief.

Lenalee sat down at the table with a serene expression -- the kind that said "I'm in a good mood, but push my buttons and I'll plant my foot where the sun doesn't shine!" -- and folded her hands in her lap, fixing Krory with an encouraging smile. Allen pulled up beside her and tucked right into the dangos, wondering how she'd discovered this was his favorite.

"Don't let them bother you, Krory-san," Lenalee said brightly, shooing the Science Department geeks away. "They're not normally this intrusive; they just love to hobnob with Exorcists when the opportunity arises."

Krory made a gesture of negation at the honorific. "Just Krory is fine. And thank you, Lenalee-san."

"If I can call you Krory, you can call me Lenalee. We're nakama, there's really no need for those formal honorifics. Of course, Allen-kun's another story, since he's such a little kid!"

She grinned when Allen choked on the dango he was eating.

"I'm not that young!" Allen retorted. "You're only a year older than me, Lenalee!"

Krory's eyes were focused on Lavi, who was trying to get one of the kitchen workers -- a pretty young blonde with bright green eyes and a shy smile -- to dance with him. (He wasn't succeeding very well, being that she was painfully shy.) "This is a dumb question, but... what are coconuts?"

"Disgusting, is what they are," Komui said as he maneuvered over to stand behind Lenalee.

"Komui-san, that's not very nice!" Allen protested.

"Nii-san actually has a point -- they are pretty disgusting," Lenalee laughed.

Krory maintained a completely befuddled expression, looking from face to face for an explanation. Finally, Komui obliged. "It's a kind of tropical food thingy, kind of a cross between a nut and a fruit. Or something. It's about yea-big -- " he held his hands about a quarter of a meter apart -- "and hairy, and when you split it open, it's full of some weird milk-like substance, and it's disgusting. I have no idea why anyone would want to eat that."

Allen rolled his eyes. "Komui-san has never had a good one; they aren't that bad, once you get used to them. They're tricky to open, but once you get them cracked open, they're really good. They're quite sweet if they're fully ripened. The meat from them is used in recipes, you know, Komui-san."

Komui harrumphed. "Doesn't make the thing any less disgusting. Raw meat is disgusting while cooked meat isn't."

Krory looked confused; "Coconuts have meat? Then they are animals?"

Lenalee started laughing so hard, she leaned back and bumped against her brother. "No, it's not an animal. It's a kind of fruit, in a manner of speaking. I'm sure Jerry has one somewhere in his various pantries."

"A fruit with meat? And why is it called a nut?" Krory's naiveté was endearing, though the extent of it did rather surprise Allen.

Komui raised an eyebrow at the baron. "I'm pretty sure we have a book somewhere in the library that can answer all those questions for you."

"Heeeey Allen, I'm getting killed over here! A little help please?"

Of course, Lavi had to interrupt now. Allen planted his forehead into the table in frustration. He started counting to a hundred, to try and cool his impromptu temper. It wouldn't do for him to strangle Lavi.

Fortunately, Bookman intervened just then, delivering an expert smack to the young redhead's abdomen and knocking the wind out of him. "That's quite enough out of you." Grasping Lavi's orange scarf, the old man began dragging his protégé after him out of the room. Lavi protested at first, but as his breath was constricted by the scarf, he gave up fighting and grudgingly followed.

The welcoming party quieted down considerably with Lavi's abrupt exit. After about another half hour or so, with the party winding down anyway,  Allen's exhaustion got the better of him and he took his leave. He grabbed another plateful of food to tide him over until morning and headed for the stairs. Timcanpy crawled down from the top of his head and onto his shoulder, and he got the feeling it was eyeing the food on his plate.

"Mine, Tim. You had time down there, you could've eaten something while you were down there," Allen shielded his plate with his hand as he shouldered his room door open. The golem seemed put out and lifted off his shoulder, taking wing as if insulted. It continued to circle in the air as Allen dressed down for bed. Just as Allen was about to climb into bed and tuck into his late-night snack, Timcanpy abruptly rotated in air and opened its mouth, starting its projection mechanism...

"I've got a lo-ve-ly bunch of coconuts, there they are a-standin' in a row! Big ones, small ones, some as big as your head! Give 'em a twist, a flick of the wrist, that's the what the showman said!" Lavi's voice filled the room. "I've got a lo-ve-ly bunch o' coconuts. Every ball ya throw will make me rich! There stands me wife, the idol of me life, singin' 'roll a-bowl a ball, a penny a pitch!'"

Timcanpy had recorded Lavi's idiot performance, and it was playing it back to Allen as revenge.

And worse? It was on repeat. "I've got a lo-ve-ly bunch of coconuts, there they are a-standin' in a row! Big ones, small ones, some as big as your head! Give 'em a twist, a flick of the wrist, that's the what the showman said! I've got a lo-ve-ly bunch o' coconuts. Every ball ya throw will make me rich! There stands me wife, the idol of me life, singin' 'roll a-bowl a ball, a penny a pitch!'"

"ARGH!" Allen slammed his pillow over his head in an attempt to block it out, but there was no way he was going to be able to. It was too loud and too obnoxious.

"All right, Tim, take what you want. Just, for the love of all that is holy, stop that!"

The noise abruptly stopped as the golem happily came floating over and settled itself on the edge of the plate and dug right in.

Shishou would give me a golem with an appetite as big as I have. Dammit, Shishou. When I find you, I ought to punch you!